Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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I learned the hard way to not lightly troll an autistic furry with anger issues. Hell, I didn't even know he was until I was halfway in. This is from a while back, so my memory about it isn't the best.

The backstory is I drew certain Pokemon and this guy latches on hard. He asskissed me a lot and it was creepy most of he time and goofy the other times. Of course he noticed I was good friends with this other Pokemon artist and his questions to me was very direct and transparent in his intentions. Also begging. Lots and lots of begging. "How can I be good friends with you like [artist]?" "Please teach me to draw [a certain Pokemon]!" Honestly, the first few times I tried to help him with his problems because I like to help people..and I'm too nice for my own good.

After those few times helping him ended up in vain he started getting on my nerves even more. My replies to his questions became more sarcastic and flippant. It wasn't until something snapped in his pea-sized brain that he did a 180 on me.

"omg ur was teh worst. ur art sucks. fuck off u lesbian fuck head!!1" (Yes, he used "lesbian" as an insult, he's gay btw)

I blocked him....well, he blocked me first.

Then he went after my friend, his intentions clear as day to them. "muwahaha i will get u 2 hate [Galaxy] too!" My friend humored him for a while and after a while he also started getting on my friends nerves. At that point, my hands were clean of ever dealing with the furry but I supported my friend while he tried to get into the nitty gritty of what made this furry "tick." His friend was also dragged into playing therapist as well.

Nothing really went well as you can imagine. I don't know if they still talk, but I can assume the angry furry hasn't changed and is suckering other nice people into his web of autism.

Don't do drugs while pregnant, kids.
 
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Alright, I feel like I'm ready to tell another story about Benito, the fatty who eats lard and stole food from the homeless.

(Part I: I stole food from the homeless)
(Part II: It's not cool whip, it's lard)

Now, Benito has the ability to self-generate so many "Yo mamma so fat" jokes it's not even funny. I mean, this is the guy who at one point would somehow gain up to 50 pounds a year without even trying. I sort of explained why he got so fat so fast in part II, but damn boy, he has some real exemplary examples of how to be a fat sonnavagun.

Right then, let's start off with how much food he can stuff down his gob, because seeing Benito eat is one part miracle and infinite parts nightmare. I'm not joking; Benito is one of the messiest fucking eaters I've ever seen or heard. Yes, heard. He will make loud noises of pleasure as he eats, you can hear the fucking utensils drop from dozens of feet away, and he'll lick his plate clean. I really can't understand this desperate and disgusting eating habit outside of chromosomal damage, and I kind of don't want to either. But I got off track, let me get to the true horribleness.

One of my favorite personal examples was the time he went to a restaurant that had one of those eating challenges. If you're unfamiliar with the notion, many restaurants in the US hold a challenge for being a fat person; basically you stuff yourself silly on a gimmick meal and you will win a prize. Usually said prize is that meal gets comped, you get a coupon, and you get your mug put in a hall of fame. Failure means you usually have to pay for the meal. Does that make sense? Good, because here comes the everlasting terror.

Okay, so the burger joint that Benito and gang went to had a challenge; I don't really remember its name, but I do know it was easily the largest burger I've ever seen. It was eight pounds of pure beef, with about a pound more of the condiments, buns, and extra components thrown in. This would essentially feed most people for several days. I forget if there was a timelimit involved, as not all restaurants have one, but if there was one, Benito gave no fucks. He scarfed that thing down in about fifteen minutes like it wasn't a problem. Now, to give you an idea on why that's horrible, if you somehow weren't horrified already; that burger weighed as much as some newborn infants. So if you apply that in mind, then that means that should he have chosen to, Benito can quite easily eat multiple babies.

Yes, I said multiple. You see, he won the challenge easily, got his face on the wall, hooray. Then, after all was said and done, he asked for another one. Yes, he asked for another eight pound burger. His parents, who I might describe in a side session of these stories, looked shocked that he'd want more food after that, and the waitress' response was one part "What?!" and a dozen parts "Eww!". Naturally his parents refused to buy him another one, but the fact he wanted eight more pounds of flesh down his gullet makes me wonder if Benito is why some vegans are so damn militant.

To further ram home how fucking fat he is, I'll tell one more story. Okay, this one happened while my buddy Cole and I were in a skype call. It was around 3am, because neither of us had shit to do that day or yesterday. Well, that and there was enough snow that neither he and I had any obligations for today. Well anyway, all of a sudden Cole heard knocking. At three AM. He goes to look out his window, as the room he had at his parent's house faces the front door, and low and behold, it was Benito, in his pajamas, in the snow. Baffled, Cole asked him what the fuck he was doing here, because as mentioned 3 AM. His response? "I want cookies!", because apparently he gulped down all of his snacks and didn't want to wait until morning for his parents to get some.

Cole tells him to fuck off, because it was three in the fucking morning, and we went back to skyping together. Eventually, we both were ready to hit the hay, and were going to go to bed, when Cole apparently looked out his window, it being early morning. He was then baffled, horrified, and amused to see Benito eating the snow on the ground. Apparently the fucker was so hungry he decided to eat the snow off of his own lawn, to fill the emptiness of his gut. He then continued to do this until his dad caught him and yelled at him over this. By that point, he ate a dozen feet of snow or something like that, which I calculated to be a couple of pounds worth of water.

And that's the story of how much shit Benito can shovel down his throat. Next time, I'll probably tell you about his hygiene, which is also a travesty.
 
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Wackymodder84. Where do I begin with this guy?

This guy is infamous within the Gundam community. Really is. His hateboner for Gundam SEED Destiny is legendary. According to him, he's watched Destiny in it's entirety 47 times, saying that each time he watches it he finds something new that's wrong. He made an hour-long video for his redesign of the Destiny Gundam.

From what I can gather, this guy loved SEED until it started going to shit. He went into Destiny with hopes that they would fix those problems and at first, it looked like they did. But then Destiny went to shit even harder and Wacky ends up spending 10 years of his life bitching about it. Hell, he thought the HD Remasters would fix many of the problems despite Director Mitsuo Fukuda ( a lolcow in his own right I'll touch upon sometime in the future) saying Destiny is perfect the way it is and how it's wrong to alter or add scenes (with regards to Super Robot Wars Z's attempts to fix it). He's long since called for them to reboot the Cosmic Era timeline.

Trust me, Destiny is shit but Wacky's hateboner is way too strong. This guy, he claims to get DEATH THREATS from die-hard fans of the show (The Church of Jesus Yamato) because of the shit he says. He claims to be a champion of good writing but defends Build Fighters Try saying it's an homage to G Gundam (a series which did had great writing writing. I've even seen someone express disbelief at this since Wacky insulted them for liking G Gundam). From my own experiences with him, he seems to call a character a Mary Sue if he doesn't like them (unless they were a parody). He's the type who yells that you have to PAY ATTENTION in order to understand Gundam Reconguista in G (which is true, but he comes off as ridiculously hostile about it).


tl:dr Bad fan is bad.
 
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There's this guy who used to be in my social circle, I wasn't friends with him but some of my friends were which is why he was there. He was a tranny, though he took no steps in validating his female identity. He just kept his masculine appearance, and expected us all to refer to him as "her, she, etc." Me and my other friend found him annoying so we eventually drove him out of the group with near constant Mrs. Doubtfire and Silence of the Lambs references. Anywho, the reason why I consider this person a lolcow is because he was batshit fucking insane. He was, like, 30 years old, still lived with his parents, and did nothing around the house. His parents did his laundry, cooked his meals, etc. Amazingly, he actually did have a job: he worked at a grocery store. He had an evening shift and he didn't know how to drive, so his mother would have to leave her home at 12:00-1:00 at night to go and get him, bring home, and then cook him a meal. He was a massive conspiracy theorist, too. He believed, among other things, that the earth was flat and that the government was trying to trick people into thinking it was round because...I honestly have no idea. He also believed that he was an alien in a past life (something which was backed up by him going to a fortune teller or something, and her saying that this was his first time on the planet; he was real into spiritual junk), and that the Illuminati had him marked for death because of all the stuff he was saying (because, you know, there's no threat like a 30-year-old tranny who lives with his mother). I swear to god this is all true. If anybody doubts me, I have Skype messages to back it up. It's a shame that he's not more active online because otherwise he could potentially be the next huge lolcow. He's certainly insane enough.
 
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Adamska said:
Alright, I feel like I'm ready to tell another story about Benito, the fatty who eats lard and stole food from the homeless.

(Part I: I stole food from the homeless)
(Part II: It's not cool whip, it's lard)

Now, Benito has the ability to self-generate so many "Yo mamma so fat" jokes it's not even funny. I mean, this is the guy who at one point would somehow gain up to 50 pounds a year without even trying. I sort of explained why he got so fat so fast in part II, but damn boy, he has some real exemplary examples of how to be a fat sonnavagun.

Right then, let's start off with how much food he can stuff down his gob, because seeing Benito eat is one part miracle and infinite parts nightmare. I'm not joking; Benito is one of the messiest fucking eaters I've ever seen or heard. Yes, heard. He will make loud noises of pleasure as he eats, you can hear the fucking utensils drop from dozens of feet away, and he'll lick his plate clean. I really can't understand this desperate and disgusting eating habit outside of chromosomal damage, and I kind of don't want to either. But I got off track, let me get to the true horribleness.

One of my favorite personal examples was the time he went to a restaurant that had one of those eating challenges. If you're unfamiliar with the notion, many restaurants in the US hold a challenge for being a fat person; basically you stuff yourself silly on a gimmick meal and you will win a prize. Usually said prize is that meal gets comped, you get a coupon, and you get your mug put in a hall of fame. Failure means you usually have to pay for the meal. Does that make sense? Good, because here comes the everlasting terror.

Okay, so the burger joint that Benito and gang went to had a challenge; I don't really remember its name, but I do know it was easily the largest burger I've ever seen. It was eight pounds of pure beef, with about a pound more of the condiments, buns, and extra components thrown in. This would essentially feed most people for several days. I forget if there was a timelimit involved, as not all restaurants have one, but if there was one, Benito gave no fucks. He scarfed that thing down in about fifteen minutes like it wasn't a problem. Now, to give you an idea on why that's horrible, if you somehow weren't horrified already; that burger weighed as much as some newborn infants. So if you apply that in mind, then that means that should he have chosen to, Benito can quite easily eat multiple babies.

Yes, I said multiple. You see, he won the challenge easily, got his face on the wall, hooray. Then, after all was said and done, he asked for another one. Yes, he asked for another eight pound burger. His parents, who I might describe in a side session of these stories, looked shocked that he'd want more food after that, and the waitress' response was one part "What?!" and a dozen parts "Eww!". Naturally his parents refused to buy him another one, but the fact he wanted eight more pounds of flesh down his gullet makes me wonder if Benito is why some vegans are so damn militant.

To further ram home how fucking fat he is, I'll tell one more story. Okay, this one happened while my buddy Cole and I were in a skype call. It was around 3am, because neither of us had shit to do that day or yesterday. Well, that and there was enough snow that neither he and I had any obligations for today. Well anyway, all of a sudden Cole heard knocking. At three AM. He goes to look out his window, as the room he had at his parent's house faces the front door, and low and behold, it was Benito, in his pajamas, in the snow. Baffled, Cole asked him what the fuck he was doing here, because as mentioned 3 AM. His response? "I want cookies!", because apparently he gulped down all of his snacks and didn't want to wait until morning for his parents to get some.

Cole tells him to fuck off, because it was three in the fucking morning, and we went back to skyping together. Eventually, we both were ready to hit the hay, and were going to go to bed, when Cole apparently looked out his window, it being early morning. He was then baffled, horrified, and amused to see Benito eating the snow on the ground. Apparently the fucker was so hungry he decided to eat the snow off of his own lawn, to fill the emptiness of his gut. He then continued to do this until his dad caught him and yelled at him over this. By that point, he ate a dozen feet of snow or something like that, which I
calculated to be a couple of pounds worth of water.

And that's the story of how much shit Benito can shovel down his throat. Next time, I'll probably tell you about his hygiene, which is also a travesty.
Click to expand...

@Adamska, please tell us more about Benito. This is the funniest (and most horrifying) stuff I've read all week.
 
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drtoboggan said:
I must hear more about Aunt Turd Kicker.
Click to expand...

Okie doke.

Well, Aunt Turd Kicker was an alcoholic for years until this last year when she started vomitting up blood so she's been trying to be sober so she doesn't die. This isn't really funny, but it helps explain the next part. She has a hard time eating right now, because she literally only consumed her calories from alcohol for years. (The turd kick also happened sober, FYI) I'll also note she has that "late middle-aged woman who smoked to much" voice.

I was visiting my grandma recently and Aunt Turd Kicker stopped by. She kept complaining that she'd lost so much weight that her boobs were gone and her ass looked like a saggy elephant. She was wearing one of those jumpsuits and was trying to lift her pant leg up so I could see how wrinkly her ass looked while her husband just covered his face in the corner. She couldn't raise it high enough and in her frustration, proceeded to pull down the strapless jumpsuit, show me her tits and turn around so I can properly look at her butt while going "See?! I'm fucking disgusting."

She then went on to tell us how she can't sleep shirtless anymore because her new cat tried to suckle on her nipple while she was napping.
 
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I'm still not sure if I should gather more info and asks the mods for a thread for the specific person I'm going to talk about (or if he has been talked about previously), so I'm just going to post a bit here and let you guys decide if it's worth or not.

Crappy artists are always fun to poke at, especially when they sperg. But this special snowflake doesn't gets the message, no matter how many times he gets shit thrown at him he still manages to ignore and go on with his crappy art.
By crappy art I don't mean Dobson type of crappy, I actually mean an abomination like this one:
324rewfdg4.png
And if you think I'm being a dick and I'm making fun of a kid or I grabbed a drawing from ages ago, well no, this guy is in his late 20's and the previous image is one of his most recent ones, THIS one is old (4 years ago):
ase3qwdq23dqwsd.jpg

Oh yeah, I think I forgot to mention something, he calls himself "Master of MSPaint" which speaks volumes of the kind of shit you can expect from his works.
But I'm not done yet, as any picky bad artists, he goes absolutely ballistic against any type of critique (even if it's a nice one):

Random guy: I don't wanna be rude. Tomboy??? But she a Scientist in The original comics The 03 got it right
Potential lolcow: do i look like i care i hate her 2003 nerdy self she was so lame her news girl and her konoichi is way more cooler and i love tomboys
Random guy: But why did they change her into a reporter??? The 03 version of april was from the comic having her as the turtles freind and advisor help and in the end she leans self defence. Things change
Potential lolcow: Because nobody thinks she's sexy as a scientist news girls are more better let along it was the 80's news girls are better
Random guy: Probearly the tv company saw the comic and decided to change it. Eastman and laird loathed the 80s Version
Potential lolcow: Nope we love the 80's version more sexier u got terrible taste

He's a mean person, that's established... now what?, well, lets board his ego next.
This guy thinks his images are so fucking cool he decided to make PORN. Yep, that's right, he draws porn and "sexy" images. Really bad porn is anything but good, but it's worse when you decide to upload it into a page were users aren't exactly the nicest persons around and asspats are non existant, like Paheals Rule34. That's when shit hits the fan, he didn't upload just 3 or 4 images, he uploaded 119 images and received shit in every single image.
You would think he might get the message that he isn't good and he is not really improving (have I mentioned he ignores and even attacks other artists who tries to give him helpful tips?). But nope, he still thinks his art is so amazing he decided to start a Patreon, oh yeah, a Patreon where people pays him to do his shitty drawings, and not only that!, he even opened a Facebook page because he wants TO SELL COMICS. Goldenknight 2.0 in the making?, probably.

I'm pretty sure I'm still missing some details (he likes furry and MLP so god knows what I'm missing from those) and if I dig deep enough, I might be able to get better stuff but for now, that's what I remember from this guy who is still active in his dA.

Oh, almost forgot, most of his chimps out are still available so anybody can read them and believe me, they are hilarious.
 
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Right then, I'm in the mood for another set of tales featuring Benito, the fat piece of shit who steals food from the homeless and eats lard. For those who don't feel like scrolling back (understandable), I've compiled my previous works here:

Part I: I stole food from the homeless
Part II: It's not cool whip, it's lard
Part III: I must consume your newborn child

Right then, Benito's hygiene. Now, this is something that should be somewhat familiar ground for you guys. Many manchildren and broken people have nasty hygiene problems. Usually this is out of an inability to care or a sense of laziness; they just have a lack of will or have some aversion to effort. But Benito takes it pretty damn far; the only guy here that I know for a fact is worse than him is Nick Bate. Yes, I just compared Benito to the guy who rubs his own feces on walls and masturbates to it. Now thank the Allfather he isn't that bad, because with all the butter he secretes from his shit diet and other problems, adding feces would probably create the same types of gas that the Germans used at Ypres in WWI.

The culminating reason why he stunk like this is because of one amazing fact: until he was 18 years old, he had no idea that you had to use soap to get clean. I am not shitting you; he genuinely didn't know that to get clean, you used soap to scrub off dirt and kill bacteria when you bathed or showered. How do I know this? Glad you asked!

Alright then, this was during the summer, and summers tend to get nice and toasty in this neck of the world. Benito, who might I add also rarely bathes and showers anyway, was stinking of sweat, rancid butter, and filth. It was to the point where his parents forced him to shower, because he was stinking that bad due to the heat. So he goes to the shower and a few minutes later came back down. Despite showering he stunk just as bad as he did last time, maybe even slightly worse. Disgusted by this, his mom asked him if he used soap, since she was suspecting that he just halfassed a shower. His response? "You use soap?". I genuinely don't get how you don't learn this life lesson; you'd think you'd know this because a teacher or parent or something would show him. But hey, I guess this will just lead into the next part where I begin to talk about how fucking stupid Benito is.

Anyways, back on point to Benito's BO. His body odor is the stuff of legends, mainly because it has the horrible ability to both simulate a decaying corpse and linger for extended periods of time. These are not exaggerations either. Once, when he was outside in a small field near the neigborhood, he took a rest underneath a tree; his fatness making doing simple things hard. The exertion clearly made his stench worse, because a few minutes later a vulture that was flying a bit away began to circle the area Benito was resting. I shit you not; an adult turkey vulture was actually circling Benito, seeing him as a dying creature. As for his stench's lingering effects, Cole and a buddy of his actually set up a scientific experiment that lasted for about 40 months covering his stench.

You see, Benito sat down in the buddy's couch one day and left his stench on it. Curious, the guy didn't decide to get rid of it with cleaners and the like. He wanted to see how long it would take for it to dissipate. By the end of the experiment, the smell slowly faded over the course of about 2 years, surged for reasons unknown for a few months, before tapering off again. We lost contact with the guy a few years ago unfortunately, so the experiment was held off. Either way, Benito takes such poor care of his body that his presence in international zones is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Right, next time I get to talk about how stupid Benito is.
 
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Alright, with this personal cow he makes me both mad and laugh at the same time. I don't know if the mad part nullifies him being a lolcow, but he's certainly got all the traits a lolcow has. He's like a mini Chris, and I can definitely see him being a (even bigger) laughingstock in the future.

So, I'm currently in high school, (probably too young to be on this forum in fact) and I just wrapped up my 3rd year. Throughout High School I've been in a special program for people on the Autism spectrum who have difficulty with their schoolwork. As a result I've met quite a few oddballs, some acting more autistic than others. There's been bad hygiene, bad manners, anger management problems, overall there have been varying levels of autism, sometimes reaching to the point of discomfort but nothing out of the ordinary. But this guy named Mark just takes the big fat autism cake. Mark came in to the program halfway through the year, right after Christmas/New Year break. Literally the very first thing he said when he entered the classroom was "WELP, I AM OFFICIALLY A MAN NOW", not understanding the implications of that sentence. I don't know about you other Kiwis, me and pretty much everyone in the room interpreted that as him telling everybody he had sex. The teacher then spent the next 20 minutes trying to explain to him the implications of that, but to no avail. And despite this terrible first impression it only went downhill from there.

Since I'm sleepy and don't feel like writing alot of coherent paragraphs Ill just list stuff off

-He's a dick
-He threatened to throw things at people, like books and even jewelry he claimed cost over 100$
-He acts like a 10 year old
-He once wet his index finger with his saliva and attempted to stick it in my ear when he was angry
-He's always saying weird catch phrases, attempting to be cool but it just makes him look like a prick
-He is a complete tool, seems like he just gets his opinions from stuff on the internet
-His favorite characters are the dark and edgy ones, like Shadow the Hedgehog and the evil version of Pit from the Kid Icarus series
-Constantly complaining about silly game characters like Animal Crossing's Villager, Wii Fit Trainer and Wario being in Super Smash Bros.
-Literally zero self-awareness
-Insists he doesn't have any form of autism despite it being the most obvious thing
-He just isn't very intelligent
-Once tried to antagonize one of my friends by saying my friend had no friends, despite 5 of them, including me being in the same damn room
-He got pissed off and flipped me and my friends off nearly every day
-Unsurprisingly he's totally obsessed with Sonic and Pokemon. If you ever DARE to crack a joke about Sonic or the suffering state of his franchise Mark will swear he'll beat you or some shit like that.
-He will threaten to beat you up even though he isn't physically strong
-He constantly threatens to hit you and says "THINK FAST"
-Is transphobic, possibly homophobic
-He's adamant about his religion, he just comes across as dumb when he talks about stuff like evolution because has has absolutely no idea what he's talking about
-He is completely desperate to make connections with people but he's only proven he is incapable of making friends with anybody. If he continues on this path I can only see him getting out of high school completely lonely and depressed.

Some other stuff to note is that his voice is completely grating. I can't really describe it. The best I can describe it is if Jay Geis' BOOMING voice was toned down in terms of volume and then given Chris' weird nasally intonation. If he wasn't so unlikeable I think his voice would still make me want to punch him. And back in April the school hosted parent-teacher meetings and I saw him mom there. She looked really unhappy, and even when I got a glimpse of her talking to the teacher she seemed really disappointed when talking about her son.

The very last thing he said to anyone before getting on to his taxi was telling me I'm a total asshole and flipped me off. Keep it classy, Mark.
 
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Segue said:
-He's a dick
-He threatened to throw things at people, like books and even jewelry he claimed cost over 100$
-He acts like a 10 year old
-He once wet his index finger with his saliva and attempted to stick it in my ear when he was angry
-He's always saying weird catch phrases, attempting to be cool but it just makes him look like a prick
-He is a complete tool, seems like he just gets his opinions from stuff on the internet
-His favorite characters are the dark and edgy ones, like Shadow the Hedgehog and the evil version of Pit from the Kid Icarus series
-Constantly complaining about silly game characters like Animal Crossing's Villager, Wii Fit Trainer and Wario being in Super Smash Bros.
-Literally zero self-awareness
-Insists he doesn't have any form of autism despite it being the most obvious thing
-He just isn't very intelligent
-Once tried to antagonize one of my friends by saying my friend had no friends, despite 5 of them, including me being in the same damn room
-He got pissed off and flipped me and my friends off nearly every day
-Unsurprisingly he's totally obsessed with Sonic and Pokemon. If you ever DARE to crack a joke about Sonic or the suffering state of his franchise Mark will swear he'll beat you or some shit like that.
-He will threaten to beat you up even though he isn't physically strong
-He constantly threatens to hit you and says "THINK FAST"
-Is transphobic, possibly homophobic
-He's adamant about his religion, he just comes across as dumb when he talks about stuff like evolution because has has absolutely no idea what he's talking about
-He is completely desperate to make connections with people but he's only proven he is incapable of making friends with anybody. If he continues on this path I can only see him getting out of high school completely lonely and depressed.
Click to expand...

Give examples.

Segue said:
So, I'm currently in high school, (probably too young to be on this forum in fact) and I just wrapped up my 3rd year. Throughout High School I've been in a special program for people on the Autism spectrum who have difficulty with their schoolwork.
Click to expand...

Over9000.jpg
 
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Adamska said:
Right then, I'm in the mood for another set of tales featuring Benito, the fat piece of shit who steals food from the homeless and eats lard. For those who don't feel like scrolling back (understandable), I've compiled my previous works here:

Part I: I stole food from the homeless
Part II: It's not cool whip, it's lard
Part III: I must consume your newborn child

Right then, Benito's hygiene. Now, this is something that should be somewhat familiar ground for you guys. Many manchildren and broken people have nasty hygiene problems. Usually this is out of an inability to care or a sense of laziness; they just have a lack of will or have some aversion to effort. But Benito takes it pretty damn far; the only guy here that I know for a fact is worse than him is Nick Bate. Yes, I just compared Benito to the guy who rubs his own feces on walls and masturbates to it. Now thank the Allfather he isn't that bad, because with all the butter he secretes from his shit diet and other problems, adding feces would probably create the same types of gas that the Germans used at Ypres in WWI.

The culminating reason why he stunk like this is because of one amazing fact: until he was 18 years old, he had no idea that you had to use soap to get clean. I am not shitting you; he genuinely didn't know that to get clean, you used soap to scrub off dirt and kill bacteria when you bathed or showered. How do I know this? Glad you asked!

Alright then, this was during the summer, and summers tend to get nice and toasty in this neck of the world. Benito, who might I add also rarely bathes and showers anyway, was stinking of sweat, rancid butter, and filth. It was to the point where his parents forced him to shower, because he was stinking that bad due to the heat. So he goes to the shower and a few minutes later came back down. Despite showering he stunk just as bad as he did last time, maybe even slightly worse. Disgusted by this, his mom asked him if he used soap, since she was suspecting that he just halfassed a shower. His response? "You use soap?". I genuinely don't get how you don't learn this life lesson; you'd think you'd know this because a teacher or parent or something would show him. But hey, I guess this will just lead into the next part where I begin to talk about how fucking stupid Benito is.

Anyways, back on point to Benito's BO. His body odor is the stuff of legends, mainly because it has the horrible ability to both simulate a decaying corpse and linger for extended periods of time. These are not exaggerations either. Once, when he was outside in a small field near the neigborhood, he took a rest underneath a tree; his fatness making doing simple things hard. The exertion clearly made his stench worse, because a few minutes later a vulture that was flying a bit away began to circle the area Benito was resting. I shit you not; an adult turkey vulture was actually circling Benito, seeing him as a dying creature. As for his stench's lingering effects, Cole and a buddy of his actually set up a scientific experiment that lasted for about 40 months covering his stench.

You see, Benito sat down in the buddy's couch one day and left his stench on it. Curious, the guy didn't decide to get rid of it with cleaners and the like. He wanted to see how long it would take for it to dissipate. By the end of the experiment, the smell slowly faded over the course of about 2 years, surged for reasons unknown for a few months, before tapering off again. We lost contact with the guy a few years ago unfortunately, so the experiment was held off. Either way, Benito takes such poor care of his body that his presence in international zones is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Right, next time I get to talk about how stupid Benito is.
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Moar
 
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I spend a lot of time in an obscure offshoot of bungie.net called Sep7agon which is a small but active community of wannabe trolls, circle jerkers and some lolcows. One lolcow who stands above all is completely irrational, constantly has drama, will never admit wrongdoing and subjected someone who she was in an online relationship with to emotional blackmail and abuse for several months. During her relationship with this guy she demanded access to his social media profiles and was constantly accusing him of disloyalty and constantly had emotional episodes in which she'd spill out her emotional guts to anyone who would take a moment to listen. I happened to be one of the people who she ranted to and out of my morbid curiosity and hunger for drama I listened to her rant and played the role of amateur internet therapist for a while. If you'd all like I can go into more detail.
 
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AnotherForumUser said:
I spend a lot of time in an obscure offshoot of bungie.net called Sep7agon which is a small but active community of wannabe trolls, circle jerkers and some lolcows. One lolcow who stands above all is completely irrational, constantly has drama, will never admit wrongdoing and subjected someone who she was in an online relationship with to emotional blackmail and abuse for several months. During her relationship with this guy she demanded access to his social media profiles and was constantly accusing him of disloyalty and constantly had emotional episodes in which she'd spill out her emotional guts to anyone who would take a moment to listen. I happened to be one of the people who she ranted to and out of my morbid curiosity and hunger for drama I listened to her rant and played the role of amateur internet therapist for a while. If you'd all like I can go into more detail.
Click to expand...

By all means; it's why I'm dividing my Benito tales into chunks. Speaking of which...

Part I: I Stole Food from the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Cool Whip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume Your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?

So this next section will tap into just how stupid Benito is as a person. Now I'm not exactly sure how Benito ranks in terms of whether or not he has an intellectual disability. I say this because he has told people that when he had his IQ tested he cheated and got 100 on it. All I do know is that that statement implies one of two things. The first is that Benito is so stupid that even with cheats he only scraped bare average, which implies he might be exceptional in the traditional sense as well as the lolcow sense. The second, and I'm a bit more inclined to agree with this one, is that you can't exactly cheat an IQ test, so Benito is rock fucking stupid to think he managed to pull that off. Either way, this is a portent of things to come in this post.

Benito is amazingly lazy and stupid, regardless of having an ID or no. To give you an idea, during a unit on the 100 Years War, he had a question on a quiz where you had to write down five famous people from that particular era. Now I personally find that to be a fairly easy question to answer, but I know that it is possible for people to be unable to fill in all of the spots. I do get that; history isn't the forte of a lot of people so I can expect some level of incomplete/wrongness. But Benito goes five levels past that level of stupidity and goes into his own world.

I to this day perfectly fucking remember what he wrote. The five people he wrote for that quiz were: 1. Jeanne d'Arc, 2. George Washington, 3. Abraham Lincoln, and the other two spots were left blank. So of the bunch, he only got one right, and two of them were American presidents. So, using this question as a metric for Benito's grip on history; the 100 Year War was fought between America and France from the 1700's to the 1800's, with the French being lead by the immortal Witchqueen Jeanne d'Arc. Or alternatively Washington and Lincoln were sent back in time by the Doctor on accident and they fought for the English in the war.

Another perfect example of Benito's stupidity actually ties in a bit with his Weebishness, which I've yet to get into. He honestly believes in all of the katana myths. I'm not fucking kidding; he once said that Japan would've been far more likely to win World War II if they handed more katanas to their men. He thought that said fucking sword could slice through tank barrels and shit. Nevermind all of the reasons why this is stupid and wrong; he thinks you can win by bringing a big knife to a gun fight.

A third good example of Benito being a stupid fucking person is how he admitted in public he had a micropenis. Yes, he admitted this outloud, in public. So here's the situation: it was a lull in the classroom, the class had a ten minute break due to it being a block structure. Some kids were making fun of this celebrity they didn't like, and Benito being the lonely fuck was listening in. Eventually the guys start making fun of the celebrity's masculinity by accusing him of having a one inch pecker. Benito, through autism, thought that having a once inch cock was normal for humanity, so he brags, outloud mind you, that he was gifted with a 2.8 inch penis. Yes; he was proud that he had a dick that is incapable of penetrating the vagina to copulate. At least he was until the group began laughing at him.

Another fun example of his stupidity was the time he turned in fanfiction for an English final project. The school had two finals that Seniors had to do. The first was a generalized research project. The second was an English one. The English final project was that you had to write an original short story. It couldn't include characters from pre-established works, and it had to be done in an APA like format. There was no need for research, or an abstract. You didn't even need the running head. It was a pretty easy project really. But Benito, dumb dumb Benito, instantly looked at these requirements and instantly went 'I know, I'll write a fucking fanfiction for Gundam!"

Right then, so we've established that Benito's idea of original work includes fanfiction, how else can he fuck it up? He does so by not formatting it at all. He just typed it up in wordpad and printed it out, making it look shit in the process. So he takes this final project in, proud of the effort, and is crushed when the teacher refuses to even grade it after doing a quick skim. I will now write what happened word-per-word.

Teacher: "I can't accept this."

Benito: "But why?!"

Teacher: "You didn't follow a single guideline that I have laid out."

Benito: "But wouldn't it make for a great story tho-"

Teacher: "No."

Benito, hurt by the teacher's mean words, proceeded to spam this rejected piece until the teacher got fed up and graded it zero on the spot for failing to meet shit. Because he failed that assignment, Benito couldn't graduate high school again, and rather than try again, dropped out.

This leads to my final story I feel like talking about Benito today. So he does eventually get accepted into a liberal arts college after he gets his GED (which he barely passed and got by the way). This liberal arts college is shit by the way, they only require that you get a 45% to pass any subject. Yes, you heard me; you can pass without getting even half the shit you do right. My buddy Cole joked that the motto of the Dean for that place was "Why do my students need to understand half the information when I don't even have half a brain?" for a reason.

Well, anyway, with that in mind he was taking a class that was deemed impossible to fail. This was because the class just had you read whatever book you wanted to read, and you'd get a 100% if you just came every day of class and did that. Yes, you could get away with reading comic books and get a perfect score there. Hell, if you just wanted to sleep, you'd still fucking pass; just showing up is worth 50% of the grade, putting you 5% above passing. You understanding how Benito failed that class now? That's right, he refused to show up multiple times in a row. This gets even stupider when I state this: He was driven to school by his parents, and he had no way to get back since they'd leave him there until class was over. So he had no real way to get home, so he had no fucking excuse to not show up to that class. The best part was how horrified the teacher presiding over that class was, because he only ever had one student ever come close to failing that class before Benito, and that was because they got into a bad accident and physically couldn't show up.

Next up is you guy's choice. I got a variety of stories on Benito so tell me what exactly you want to hear about him, otherwise, I'll just write on whatever topic comes to mind.
 
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Adamska said:
By all means; it's why I'm dividing my Benito tales into chunks. Speaking of which...

Part I: I Stole Food from the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Cool Whip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume Your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?

So this next section will tap into just how stupid Benito is as a person. Now I'm not exactly sure how Benito ranks in terms of whether or not he has an intellectual disability. I say this because he has told people that when he had his IQ tested he cheated and got 100 on it. All I do know is that that statement implies one of two things. The first is that Benito is so stupid that even with cheats he only scraped bare average, which implies he might be exceptional in the traditional sense as well as the lolcow sense. The second, and I'm a bit more inclined to agree with this one, is that you can't exactly cheat an IQ test, so Benito is rock fucking stupid to think he managed to pull that off. Either way, this is a portent of things to come in this post.

Benito is amazingly lazy and stupid, regardless of having an ID or no. To give you an idea, during a unit on the 100 Years War, he had a question on a quiz where you had to write down five famous people from that particular era. Now I personally find that to be a fairly easy question to answer, but I know that it is possible for people to be unable to fill in all of the spots. I do get that; history isn't the forte of a lot of people so I can expect some level of incomplete/wrongness. But Benito goes five levels past that level of stupidity and goes into his own world.

I to this day perfectly fucking remember what he wrote. The five people he wrote for that quiz were: 1. Jeanne d'Arc, 2. George Washington, 3. Abraham Lincoln, and the other two spots were left blank. So of the bunch, he only got one right, and two of them were American presidents. So, using this question as a metric for Benito's grip on history; the 100 Year War was fought between America and France from the 1700's to the 1800's, with the French being lead by the immortal Witchqueen Jeanne d'Arc. Or alternatively Washington and Lincoln were sent back in time by the Doctor on accident and they fought for the English in the war.

Another perfect example of Benito's stupidity actually ties in a bit with his Weebishness, which I've yet to get into. He honestly believes in all of the katana myths. I'm not fucking kidding; he once said that Japan would've been far more likely to win World War II if they handed more katanas to their men. He thought that said fucking sword could slice through tank barrels and shit. Nevermind all of the reasons why this is stupid and wrong; he thinks you can win by bringing a big knife to a gun fight.

A third good example of Benito being a stupid fucking person is how he admitted in public he had a micropenis. Yes, he admitted this outloud, in public. So here's the situation: it was a lull in the classroom, the class had a ten minute break due to it being a block structure. Some kids were making fun of this celebrity they didn't like, and Benito being the lonely fuck was listening in. Eventually the guys start making fun of the celebrity's masculinity by accusing him of having a one inch pecker. Benito, through autism, thought that having a once inch cock was normal for humanity, so he brags, outloud mind you, that he was gifted with a 2.8 inch penis. Yes; he was proud that he had a dick that is incapable of penetrating the vagina to copulate. At least he was until the group began laughing at him.

Another fun example of his stupidity was the time he turned in fanfiction for an English final project. The school had two finals that Seniors had to do. The first was a generalized research project. The second was an English one. The English final project was that you had to write an original short story. It couldn't include characters from pre-established works, and it had to be done in an APA like format. There was no need for research, or an abstract. You didn't even need the running head. It was a pretty easy project really. But Benito, dumb dumb Benito, instantly looked at these requirements and instantly went 'I know, I'll write a fucking fanfiction for Gundam!"

Right then, so we've established that Benito's idea of original work includes fanfiction, how else can he fuck it up? He does so by not formatting it at all. He just typed it up in wordpad and printed it out, making it look shit in the process. So he takes this final project in, proud of the effort, and is crushed when the teacher refuses to even grade it after doing a quick skim. I will now write what happened word-per-word.

Teacher: "I can't accept this."

Benito: "But why?!"

Teacher: "You didn't follow a single guideline that I have laid out."

Benito: "But wouldn't it make for a great story tho-"

Teacher: "No."

Benito, hurt by the teacher's mean words, proceeded to spam this rejected piece until the teacher got fed up and graded it zero on the spot for failing to meet shit. Because he failed that assignment, Benito couldn't graduate high school again, and rather than try again, dropped out.

This leads to my final story I feel like talking about Benito today. So he does eventually get accepted into a liberal arts college after he gets his GED (which he barely passed and got by the way). This liberal arts college is shit by the way, they only require that you get a 45% to pass any subject. Yes, you heard me; you can pass without getting even half the shit you do right. My buddy Cole joked that the motto of the Dean for that place was "Why do my students need to understand half the information when I don't even have half a brain?" for a reason.

Well, anyway, with that in mind he was taking a class that was deemed impossible to fail. This was because the class just had you read whatever book you wanted to read, and you'd get a 100% if you just came every day of class and did that. Yes, you could get away with reading comic books and get a perfect score there. Hell, if you just wanted to sleep, you'd still fucking pass; just showing up is worth 50% of the grade, putting you 5% above passing. You understanding how Benito failed that class now? That's right, he refused to show up multiple times in a row. This gets even stupider when I state this: He was driven to school by his parents, and he had no way to get back since they'd leave him there until class was over. So he had no real way to get home, so he had no fucking excuse to not show up to that class. The best part was how horrified the teacher presiding over that class was, because he only ever had one student ever come close to failing that class before Benito, and that was because they got into a bad accident and physically couldn't show up.

Next up is you guy's choice. I got a variety of stories on Benito so tell me what exactly you want to hear about him, otherwise, I'll just write on whatever topic comes to mind.
Click to expand...

Any creepy stalker stories?
 
Since this is a long post (thanks, BTW for the information), I'm just going to focus on the bolded parts below the quote

Adamska said:
-The second, and I'm a bit more inclined to agree with this one, is that you can't exactly cheat an IQ test, so Benito is rock fucking stupid to think he managed to pull that off. Either way, this is a portent of things to come in this post.

-He thought that said fucking sword could slice through tank barrels and shit. Nevermind all of the reasons why this is stupid and wrong; he thinks you can win by bringing a big knife to a gun fight.

-A third good example of Benito being a stupid fucking person is how he admitted in public he had a micropenis.
Click to expand...
Point 1: One has to be that stupid to think they can get away with passing an IQ test like that. Hell, considering that this Benito fellow didn't know what the fuck soap was until he was 18. I'm pretty sure his real IQ is barely enough to even breathe.

Point 2: Oh of course he'd think that, he's been blinded by the weeb logic. Then again, I'd be thinking the same thing you are if he also thought a Longsword, Claymore or Sabre would also do the trick. As I'm pretty sure tanks are more than armored enough to survive anything short of a nuke or rocket launcher.

Point 3: Powerlevels, how do they work? No seriously, how the fuck did he think that was a good topic of discussion in public AT ALL? Fuck what I said in the first point, I don't think he even registers for an IQ. It's a miracle he even knows how to talk, walk and breathe. And I'm more than certain that he probably didn't even know those things until he was like 7-8.
 
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Adamska said:
Alright, I feel like I'm ready to tell another story about Benito, the fatty who eats lard and stole food from the homeless.

(Part I: I stole food from the homeless)
(Part II: It's not cool whip, it's lard)

Now, Benito has the ability to self-generate so many "Yo mamma so fat" jokes it's not even funny. I mean, this is the guy who at one point would somehow gain up to 50 pounds a year without even trying. I sort of explained why he got so fat so fast in part II, but damn boy, he has some real exemplary examples of how to be a fat sonnavagun.

Right then, let's start off with how much food he can stuff down his gob, because seeing Benito eat is one part miracle and infinite parts nightmare. I'm not joking; Benito is one of the messiest fucking eaters I've ever seen or heard. Yes, heard. He will make loud noises of pleasure as he eats, you can hear the fucking utensils drop from dozens of feet away, and he'll lick his plate clean. I really can't understand this desperate and disgusting eating habit outside of chromosomal damage, and I kind of don't want to either. But I got off track, let me get to the true horribleness.

One of my favorite personal examples was the time he went to a restaurant that had one of those eating challenges. If you're unfamiliar with the notion, many restaurants in the US hold a challenge for being a fat person; basically you stuff yourself silly on a gimmick meal and you will win a prize. Usually said prize is that meal gets comped, you get a coupon, and you get your mug put in a hall of fame. Failure means you usually have to pay for the meal. Does that make sense? Good, because here comes the everlasting terror.

Okay, so the burger joint that Benito and gang went to had a challenge; I don't really remember its name, but I do know it was easily the largest burger I've ever seen. It was eight pounds of pure beef, with about a pound more of the condiments, buns, and extra components thrown in. This would essentially feed most people for several days. I forget if there was a timelimit involved, as not all restaurants have one, but if there was one, Benito gave no fucks. He scarfed that thing down in about fifteen minutes like it wasn't a problem. Now, to give you an idea on why that's horrible, if you somehow weren't horrified already; that burger weighed as much as some newborn infants. So if you apply that in mind, then that means that should he have chosen to, Benito can quite easily eat multiple babies.

Yes, I said multiple. You see, he won the challenge easily, got his face on the wall, hooray. Then, after all was said and done, he asked for another one. Yes, he asked for another eight pound burger. His parents, who I might describe in a side session of these stories, looked shocked that he'd want more food after that, and the waitress' response was one part "What?!" and a dozen parts "Eww!". Naturally his parents refused to buy him another one, but the fact he wanted eight more pounds of flesh down his gullet makes me wonder if Benito is why some vegans are so damn militant.

To further ram home how fucking fat he is, I'll tell one more story. Okay, this one happened while my buddy Cole and I were in a skype call. It was around 3am, because neither of us had shit to do that day or yesterday. Well, that and there was enough snow that neither he and I had any obligations for today. Well anyway, all of a sudden Cole heard knocking. At three AM. He goes to look out his window, as the room he had at his parent's house faces the front door, and low and behold, it was Benito, in his pajamas, in the snow. Baffled, Cole asked him what the fuck he was doing here, because as mentioned 3 AM. His response? "I want cookies!", because apparently he gulped down all of his snacks and didn't want to wait until morning for his parents to get some.

Cole tells him to fuck off, because it was three in the fucking morning, and we went back to skyping together. Eventually, we both were ready to hit the hay, and were going to go to bed, when Cole apparently looked out his window, it being early morning. He was then baffled, horrified, and amused to see Benito eating the snow on the ground. Apparently the fucker was so hungry he decided to eat the snow off of his own lawn, to fill the emptiness of his gut. He then continued to do this until his dad caught him and yelled at him over this. By that point, he ate a dozen feet of snow or something like that, which I calculated to be a couple of pounds worth of water.

And that's the story of how much shit Benito can shovel down his throat. Next time, I'll probably tell you about his hygiene, which is also a travesty.
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Holy crap! He's like a real-life version of the guy in this F. Paul Wilson horror story.
 
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Surtur said:
Any creepy stalker stories?
Click to expand...

I unfortunately don't have a lot on his stalking habits. He did stalk my buddy Cole for years on end because he had this delusion that Cole was his best friend. He'd basically follow him wherever he went and would try and get things that'd allow him to play with Cole or join activities whenever he could because Cole also happened to be in those activities. It really didn't help that Cole was his next door neighbor, so it wasn't like he could easily just get away from Benito whenever he wanted. That obsession later on turned to a hatred when he finally realized that Cole didn't like him back after years of rejection.

It culminated in him stealing Cole and his dad's credit cards out of rage to try and run them up and ruin them financially. Fortunately he only managed to run up a few hundred, since neither card had a big amount of credit attached to them. He was also barred from coming on their property again and had to basically pay for all of the things he bought himself too.

I'll ask him to see if he can relate a story or two: it's one of the few things I'm glad to say I didn't experience.

Have a Pepsi said:
I want to hear more about his weebishness.
Click to expand...

Alrighty then, let me tell a few stories on Benito's weebishness.

Benito is a pretty big weeb. How big you ask? He personally got consoles that could play traditionally region-locked titles just so he could play Japanese games along with his English ones. He wasn't as bad as another weeb I've talked about in that regard, but he did do it for one big reason: Gundam games. Benito's autism is primarily towards this and Pokemon, them being his big two. His favorite Gundam is SEED, and he also really liked its sequel Destiny. His favorite character is Kira Yamato, probably one of the worst characters in the series based on logic. He fanboys over Kira so badly that in games where you pick your Gundam to fight as, he only ever picks the following three mechs: Strike, Freedom, and Strike Freedom. All three of these were piloted by Kira for those of you not into the mecha genre or have seen the show. His fascination with Kira Yamato is so bad that he actually revealed that he might be bicurious, though I do know for a fact he definitely likes girls.

Now why do I think Benito occasionally has homoerotic thoughts? He once spent about a half hour hypothesizing this anime character's penis size. No, I'm not kidding you. He was sitting in lunch with a few of his loser friends, and he was silent for a good chunk of that time. Then, right out of the blue, he pondered this question outloud. It was how Cole found out, since he could hear it from the further end of the table where he was chilling. This gets even funnier when you realize Benito comes from a more conservative family and is himself a young earth creationist.

As for his liking of girls, it loosely ties into his weebishness, since his ideal girl is very much a stereotypical anime girl trope. He in general prefers brunettes who tend to be quite shy and aloof. In fact, I can get you a pretty good example of that type of girl.

As an aside, let me further explain his Pokemon autism. Benito once had an idea, much in the vein of Mr. Enter; he had a desire to get every episode of Pokemon onto his computer, so he could review them episode by episode. Now, let me explain to you why this is both stupid and impossible. It's stupid mostly because of how many episodes he'd have to review before he could make it to the newest version of Pokemon. Unless he was devoted and worked like a machine (and he won't be, the boy is lazy), he'd never catch up. It's impossible because his computer is an obsolete junker that'd be unable to store all the episodes at once like he said he wanted to first.

Alrighty then, let's have one more story on Benito; I've told this one before, but it's still fitting. Now Benito and I rarely talked, namely because we didn't have a lot in common and I quickly found out what exactly Benito was. Either way, we were in a Skype chat, and we were going over favorite video games. I decide to bring up Hearts of Iron as a series, since strategy games are one of my favorite genres and the second game in that series was a favorite of mine. I was getting into how you could play any nation that existed at the time, and Benito instantly demands to know if Japan was playable. I answer yes, and I talk a bit about how it plays as a country (probably the most challenging major outside of France or Italy in my opinion). A bit after that, we part ways. I then find out that he bought that game (which cost $40 at the time) just because of Japan. He then immediately ragequit when he found out how painful the learning curve in HOI2 was.


Jewelsmakerguy said:
Point 1: One has to be that stupid to think they can get away with passing an IQ test like that. Hell, considering that this Benito fellow didn't know what the fuck soap was until he was 18. I'm pretty sure his real IQ is barely enough to even breathe.
Click to expand...

Oh, he actually has genuine problems breathing as is. He once said that breathing was hard even when he was sitting doing nothing. He also has the worst case of sleep apnea I've ever heard; he sounds like he's choking to death whenever he sleeps.
 
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