bad standup jokes

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NQ 952

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tell your worst. I'll start.

How do you meet a hot girl?
Wait for Summer.
 
Ah yeah, so I just recently been introduced to this uh, autistic, uh, boy- this autistic teenage boy here. (Removes mic from stand, starts to pace stage) And uh, and we sai- you know, I was introduced, so he opened up to me right away. And then I- and then- later, like I- later at this picnic, this community picnic, he uh, I see him- I see him- (Uses hand gestures to signal eye contact) I see him over there and he wants to find- he wants to meet himself a lady, so he's hanging out over there. (Stops, giving a confused look to the audience, waits for laugh) And I don't see him talking to the ladies, he just uh, he's just uh, smiling and being silent. I mean, he ain't gonna go anywhere unless he talks to- unless he talks to ladies, (Gives a knowing look to the audience) but then again that's part of the autism right there. He just tends to blank out when he's not introduced to people. Because he's scared of the uh, unknown. (Dramatizes the word Unknown) That's very common amongst the autistic people. And I'll tell you something else. Today's society where everybody is glued to their computers and Internet and all that, they're definitely closing themselves off from society. (Waits for laugh) It's like they're becoming autistics themselves! (As audience laughs, he puts the mic back in the stand) I mean, if they're definitely not glued in front of their computer they're definitely about as blank as that au- that little teenage boy was. (Bass line, freeze-frame)

Not the strongest Episode of the series, I must say
 
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I say, I say, I say, what do you call an underage dwarf?

A miner!
If only it were true.
 
I'm going to assume my joke is terrible due to other saying it is terrible.

A poor old lady was walking across the road on a windy and rainy day, when all of a sudden, a STRONG gust of wind inverts her umbrella and simply flies away from her grip in the opposite direction.
 
Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?

Because it was ARRRRRRGH-rated!
 
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