Booze Reviews - Where drunk and pretentious kiwis review spirits, wine, beer, cyder and artisanal jenkem

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Judge Holden

Judge Holden

The Immense and Terrible Flesh
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 12, 2013
Been mulling over making this thread for a while, but ever since i found i could get tiny lil taster bottles of booze if i spend £20 on amazon (which i do. a lot) I decided to start a booze review thread where we kiwis can use our expertise in chugging litres of cheap store brand hooch to give cultured and sophisticated analysis of different alcoholic beverages.

While obviously this is gonna be a free for all, I will try to keep a basic structure in how I analyse the drinks (which totally wasn't stolen from actual booze review sites)

1) APPEARANCE - how close to fried piss does it look
2) NOSE - the aromas you get when you do that pretentious glass smelling shit
3) TASTE - its taste on the tongue
4) FINISH - aftertaste and lingering aromas
5) CONCLUSION - whether the shit is worth buying in my opinion

And to start us off, I have the infamous CRYSTAL HEAD VODKA created by Ghostbusters alumni Dan Aykroyd, made famous by nearly killing Larry King live on air, and driving Mike Stoklasa into further depths of alcoholic depravity.

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Frankly this is a shit idea to start with because i dont like vodka even as a mixer, let alone neat but given 99% of the vodkas i ever had have been cheap as shit, perhaps this fancier more high quality brew will bring me around.

(btw this and other reviews will be typed live as I go through the process of tasting)

APPEARENCE
fmDnasm.jpg

Well here it is. In the bottle it looks like water, and in the glass it looks....like water. Its fucking vodka what do you expect?!

NOSE
sniffing from the bottle I caught the aroma of very weak hand sanitizer with a hint of citrus. pouring some into the glass increased the citrus notes as well as a touch of vanilla. Honestly it smells like somewhat tasty disinfectant.

TASTE
Well moment of truth here

*takes first sip*

oooh. Thats...thats not too bad. None of the crappy chemical overtones I associate with vodka, and a variety of flavours coming through strong. I am getting berries, citrus...

*takes second sip*

...very slight touch of watermelon, more vanilla, and some peppercorns

FINISH
Very nice long afterburn, nothing too strong, and i think im getting a sour lemon hit now with some prune (!?)

CONCLUSION
Well...this is the first vodka i ever had that I actually liked. It was smooth, tasty, and actually managed to be subtle enough for me to enjoy tasting it rather than chugging it till shitfaced. Strongly recommended for both vodka fans and faggots like me who dont like vodka as a rule. I will probably buy a full size 70cl bottle next time it goes on sale.
 
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One of Crystal Head's gimmicks is that it's "filtered through Herkimer diamonds".

Herkimer diamonds are actually just quartz, but there is a bunch of new-agey bullpoop floating around about them being "healing crystals".

So basically Crystal Head vodka is Canadian corn vodka that's poured over(not filtered, because glass rocks do not a filter make) magical glass rocks, and then put in a silly bottle.

Tito's is a fantastic corn vodka that's about a quarter the price of Crystal Head, but it doesn't come in a TOTALLY AWESOME bottle that'll wow the rubes.

Spend your money as you see fit.
 
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I just tried the Cystal Skull vodka along with some smirnoff shit vodka in a blind taste test and there is a pretty substantial difference in quality. However given the fact that i am far from a vodka connoisseur it probably is just a decent quality vodka in a nice bottle. Either way it was £3.95 so i dont mind too much, since i still get a pretty lil skull bottle to keep my jizz in.

Anyway, since I got a few bottles of this shit on the extra cheap during the post christmas sale, here is my second review.

HAVANA CLUB ANEJO RUM

APPEARENCE
HFjcniQ.jpg

(yes, i am using the mini skull bottle for my reviews. fuck you thats why)

Erm...yeah. Its ambery orange, though it looks somewhat artificial

NOSE
Florally, fruit peely, slightly pissy. A bit like somebody mixed ribena with a mediocre cider

TASTE
*first sip*
it tastes like second hand cheap cigar smoke. With some random spice and a touch of blackcurrant.
*second sip*
smoke without soul. it tastes like dime store rum with some powdered cigar leaves.

FINISH
Prune. With cheap aftershave. obnoxious aftertaste

CONCLUSION
Only get it if its on super cheap sale, and then only use in cocktails where other, better flavours will dominate the drink. This was actually rather unpleasant.
 
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Taaka vodka is fucking awful.
Their gin is pretty bad as well.
So of course it's my brand of choice, cos it's cheap.
 
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I recently made a new drink and I actually kind of like it. I call it a "Whitesburg Lemonade" after the town of Whitesburg, Kentucky.

It consists of equal parts Jim Beam White Label bourbon, Country Time Lemonade, and Canada Dry Ginger Ale. Overall, it tastes sweet and gives you a nice buzz.

And yes, I know that Jim Beam is made in Clermont, which is in an entirely different part of the state than Whitesburg.
 
If you don't like Vodka but want to get plastered, mix it with Coca Cola. I learned this through one of Cr1tikal/penguinz0's drunk livestreams, and it actually works. Just tastes like coke. I usually do 1/5 vodka, but once I poured more in and it didn't seem to make a difference in taste.
 
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Whatisgoingon said:
If you don't like Vodka but want to get plastered, mix it with Coca Cola. I learned this through one of Cr1tikal/penguinz0's drunk livestreams, and it actually works. Just tastes like coke. I usually do 1/5 vodka, but once I poured more in and it didn't seem to make a difference in taste.
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That's kind of the appeal of vodka, it doesn't taste like anything. Hence it mixes well with other things and takes on the taste of it.

But when you become a Chad you start demanding nothing but Barrel Strength whiskeys.
 
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I just discovered that I like Mike's Hard Lemonade unironically and now I feel bad.

My brother bought a six-pack of it today and I was surprised at how good it tasted.
 
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Syaoran Li said:
I just discovered that I like Mike's Hard Lemonade unironically and now I feel bad.

My brother bought a six-pack of it today and I was surprised at how good it tasted.
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I have the same shameful feeling about Strongbow Hard Cider.
 
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Lizard Pope said:
Taaka vodka is fucking awful.
Their gin is pretty bad as well.
So of course it's my brand of choice, cos it's cheap.
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That shit sucks, just pay a few more bucks/scrounge up a few quarters to buy better cheap vodka.

Syaoran Li said:
Strongbow is decent, but Bold Rock is the best hard cider I have ever had.
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The best cider is the kind which is packaged like wine. If it looks like a wine bottle, but says cider/cidre on it and says its from somewhere in France like Normandy then odds are it'll be pretty good.
 
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Any opinion on varieties of absinthe? It's such a douchey hipster beverage I don't trust reviews from just anyone.
 
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