I think 4 years is a fair amount of time to say something regarding who I was from the perspective of who I am now.
Simply put, I was a depraved, disingenuous, irrational, immature, unlikable asshole who deserves to be mocked relentlessly and should never have any influence over anyone ever. During my absence, I experienced a lot, came to terms with a lot, and let go of a lot in order to move on from a shitty life of being a shitty person, but I can't fully move on from my past without first publicly stating what I've learned from it, since many of my wrongdoings were done publicly or called out publicly, and my last video was pretty tone-deaf and didn't quite address just how much of a fucking nightmare I truly was. I don't expect this post to be taken seriously at all, considering how dishonest and hypocritical I was, as well as how much of a walking punchline I am, but there are some fairly serious topics that will be addressed, and however people feel about this post is fully warranted.
I basically did everything wrong that you could possibly do wrong on the internet. The unbelievably cringey content I made, both on YouTube and as fetish art, was the least of my problems, but all of my problems combined just paints a picture of someone with virtually zero redeeming qualities:
- I was consistently disrespectful and inconsiderate towards everyone I was ever in contact with, be them friends, fans, mutuals, or complete strangers.
- I craved validation and acted out in childish and problematic ways when I didn't get enough of it.
- I had a regressive and politically incorrect sense of humor, which evolved into a regressive and politically incorrect outlook on the world.
- I constantly incited needless drama wherever I went, both on the internet and in real life.
- I didn't know when or how to shut the fuck up or ignore things that were better off ignored.
- I deceived and betrayed people out of spite, fear, and jealousy on several occasions.
- I couldn't handle criticism or admit when I was in the wrong, which was all the time.
- I said and did random shit for legitimately no reason other than to make people think I was crazy... which in and of itself is pretty fucking crazy.
- I started a long-distance relationship with a 17-year-old fan when I was 21 with no regard for the blatant power imbalance.
That last one might be the most controversial, considering it's the only aspect of my past behavior where I saw the legality of the situation being questioned. I told myself it was okay because of the legal age of consent in New York and Canada, where each of us were, and said a lot of dense shit online defending it. I wasn't socially aware or emotionally mature enough to realize how completely inappropriate and irresponsible it was for me to engage in that kind of relationship, let alone with a fan of my work. Legality is nowhere near the bar for human decency, and I was nowhere near a decent human being. The fact that I didn't recognize my own moral bankruptcy is inexcusable, and the fact that, before that relationship, I creepily expressed romantic feelings to another 17-year-old when I was 20, is an inexcusable pattern. I was able to break out of that inexcusable pattern when I was 22, but it doesn't change how verbally abusive I was towards those 17-year-olds, made worse by the fact that I remember straight up insulting people who expressed concerns, be it concerns about the relationship, or any and all other aspects of my behavior or personality. The potential influence my behavior and personality had on those who knew me personally, and those who watched my content, is impossible to make amends for. There are tons of other instances of me being creepy, cringey, and/or cruel that plenty of people have recounted online, and out of all the instances, I find the ones where I actively tried to humiliate other people who did nothing to me, just to make them feel how I felt, to be the most unforgivable.
I wasn't just a cringey degenerate. I was a horrible person who treated people horribly, and I deserve both everything I got and whatever I get.
I didn't fully realize how much of a scourge I was until 2016 and didn't start taking responsibility for it until 2020. During those 4 years, I was aware of my own toxicity, but still couldn't contain or mitigate it very well, even after seeking professional help. As such, I continued to lose friends, make enemies, turn friends into enemies, hurt people, offend people, and just generally bring out the worst in people, just as I've always done. For the vast majority of my life, I often felt like I just didn't belong in the human race, and suffice to say, I behaved and was rightfully treated that way for the vast majority of my life. From childhood to adulthood, in addition to being a complete joke of a human being, I was a corrupting influence who irritated everyone around me, and people often went to great lengths to either get rid of me or make it very clear that they wanted me gone, until eventually, I wanted me gone too. I wasn't actively suicidal, but I did just stop caring about my life, and I wanted my life to just stop. It's thanks to the people I currently have in my life, who have made sure to both call me out on my bullshit and treat me with way more respect and forgiveness than I probably deserve, that I was able to start my life over, and begin feeling and behaving more like an actual human being than I ever did before. I still struggle with undiagnosed mental health issues, but I'm learning how to keep those issues from manifesting as toxic behavior, which is better than how I used to be. That said, I obviously still need professional psychiatric help. I currently can't afford therapy or medication, but once I can, I'll be looking into both. I'm not seeking forgiveness, redemption, sympathy, or external validation of any kind, and all I'm trying to do now is live with, and for, myself.
I'm still a degenerate, I'm still socially inept, I'm still emotionally stunted, and I'm still overly sensitive. Those traits aren't as extreme as they once were, and I'm better at keeping them from negatively effecting other people, but they're still traits I have. They're too deeply rooted for me to ignore, and while I am doing all I can to mitigate them, it's mainly out of self-preservation. I've always had some amount of self-preservation, but I've never had any amount of self-respect, which made giving and receiving respect nearly impossible. I've been on the giving and receiving end of a traumatic amount of disrespect throughout my life, and it took a lifetime of being hated, rejected, humiliated and ostracized for me to realize and accept that I am the problem. That's why, although I don't expect or deserve any respect from anyone else, right now I just want to become someone I can respect.
That's about all I wanted to address. I'm alive, I'm a garbage human being, and I'm trying to be less of one each day.