Skitzocow Connor Murphy - Body Building Youtube Superstar turned Drugged Out Peepee Guru who Drinks Cum for the Health Benefits
- Thread starter HiramTheGrift
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- Apr 21, 2013
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2021
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2020
Holy shit, there's random.txt for days in that manifesto. And I'm only looking at the portions Real Gay Autist's posted. This shit is gold in and out of context:
Also, shoutouts to him being nice enough 10 months ago to try to keep us on the same thought as him:
His last step for his big gay plan is amazing:
He's probably driven too far off into psychosis land to ever grab reality without medication, and its sad. I shudder to think what his jumbled up brain plans are now. I may say his words are gold, but seeing someone so young being fucked by his mind and choice to do psychedellic drugs is so sad. I laugh to cope with the knowledge he might not make it more than 10 years due to how out of it he is.
Also, shoutouts to him being nice enough 10 months ago to try to keep us on the same thought as him:
It would be a cute touch if this man wasn't lost to the wind.
His last step for his big gay plan is amazing:
To be honest, I think the people who said Mr. Murphy's brain has lost the division between youtube and real life. This is a line you'd say if you were a youtube douche, but I think Connor means it in an actual brace of the backlash instead of the "lol haturrs" thing, it was just worded as such.
He's probably driven too far off into psychosis land to ever grab reality without medication, and its sad. I shudder to think what his jumbled up brain plans are now. I may say his words are gold, but seeing someone so young being fucked by his mind and choice to do psychedellic drugs is so sad. I laugh to cope with the knowledge he might not make it more than 10 years due to how out of it he is.
I was going to ask if those missing letters are part of some puzzle but even if they are I'm going to guess this shit will be some moon logic. Also his parody poetry sucks.
benutz
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2020
They told me that you had gone totally insane.
And, uh, that your methods, were unsound.
Connor has gone to that great big place in the sky, otherwise known as The point of no fucking return.
Soon everyone will want in on the action to take a piece of (off) the fast decaying meat. We are just early adopters.
It truly is a case study though. And even though it may take years for the academics to make sense of it (and I hope they do), the /pol/ users that felt bad about tfw> no buff body and square jaw
well, hopefully they can get over it a bit quicker and get back to building real relations in life. In fact, before building relations, build yourself. Having muscle is good 'n' all. I never felt so good as when I was doing manual work or working out on the weights. But there is a limit. Hit it, my good friends. Build that body. But do not sacrifice the mind, or your life in that pursuit. Connor did both of those no nos.
I truly feel sorry for him. But yet, not in a pitying way. Because he is about to burn brighter and go out in a much more glorious burst of glory than 90 percent of us retards here on the farms will ever experience. I feel that paternal/sibling kind of thing where I just want to hug him, slap him if needs be, but bring him the fuck back down to earth in some way if possible. Because he is higher than the moon, and he has no tether.
He is in that most unenviable of positions: he holds the rope to the balloon that is taking off, but the higher it gets off the ground, the more the consequences will never be the same again if he lets go.
DMT is a helluva drug to fuck with. At this point he's not even dealing with the drug. He's just dealing with his brain's response to how the drug induces whatever in his bio-chemistry.
All hallucinogens are anti-addictive. DMT, Psilocybin, LSD, Serotonin - all one molecular 'snap' away from each other, and all of them have locks in the brain that these keys can unlock. DMT is produced when we fall asleep and is related to REM sleep pattern. I've never done DMT but I have experienced the Machine Elves that Terrence McKenna talked about. Massive fan of McKenna btw. Don't think he was a great guy. More a warning. Like Leary et al.
I take a NASSA for major depression. This helps me sleep. It also fucks with my serotonin levels and this fucks with the DMT available in my brain, causing me to trip out with the best of them when I wake up in the morning. DMT, Serotonin, all mess with sleep paralysis, fear parts of the brain, and also auditory hallucinations. I'm not a doctor, but I've lived it and I've researched it more than any mother fucker alive.
It is why I will never do Ayahuasca. Not least because I don't trust those fucking charlatans in the rain forest. Sorry, not sorry, don't need that shit in my life. I only take what I need to sleep so I can function. Get back to me when you only had 2 fucking hours sleep a night for 2 fucking weeks and you can't even fucking think let alone walk. I've tried every fucking SSRI et al in existence. None work. But if you get unconventional there are wonderdrugs out there with very low toxicity that can help you. Pharmacodynamics and Pharmacokinetics are a thing.
Pharmacokinetics is the study of how an organism affects a drug, whereas pharmacodynamics (PD) is the study of how the drug affects the organism. Both together influence dosing, benefit, and adverse effects, as seen in PK/PD models.
Different drugs affect different people in different ways, and they also affect them differently at different times depending on how their brain chemistry is at the time.
As has already been stated in this thread. The mind is a very fragile thing. It can break and fracture in a million different ways. But it is surprising the fault lines that perpetuate it, and when it does break, well, a lot of the time those ways are kind of familiar. Lots of tells with Connor's break with reality.
Connor needs serious professional help. I doubt he will ever be the same again. But maybe that was the intent/is a good thing. His ego is/was so fragile it just could not take the full force brute attack of ENLIGHTENMENT!
To see oneself as others see us. Fuck that is brutal. And when theat self is already a bit of a cunt to begin with, well...
Things is, ok, Connor might have been a bit of a pretty boy chasing clout and cunt in that regard, but he didn't molest children, he didn't steal anyone's life savings. He seems a pretty down to earth and boring kind of dude really when you strip the rest away. Be happy with that. Surround yourself with a handful of other blokes like that (I'm a lot like that tbh fam) and have fun shooting the shit, helping others while you can, and if you get to slay some top tier puss along the way, then all good my good chad! Not got Connor's body, and if he gets top choice, well so fucking what, some of us do OK anyway and don't really care about that shit, because we got us some real wimminz in our little lives that help us get by. He just never fitted in.
It doesn't seem to me this man has the support structures in place to guide him. What would be good is, if for once, the full force of the farms could hunt him down, take him aside, and do some kind of major intervention that he will not get from major pharma, nor from his family (bless them, I'm sure they didn't have anything to do with fucking him up), or the kind of (mental) health care he can expect in general from his country/county of residence.
I wish him well. As others have noted. This is not a guy that is a Cow in many ways. Sure, cringe vidz, sure, dude bro' who got a buff body and if insecure incel, well jelly, so hate. But for most of us normally adjusted individuals (and for all my 'tismo I consider myself to be one) we just want to see him get well.
He needs a healer now. A long stay in a good institution that can rebuild his mind. He's like the Six Million Dollar Man - We can rebuild him - but it will take a lot of effort to do so.
We can rebuild him.
Better than before.
We have the technology.
And, uh, that your methods, were unsound.
Connor has gone to that great big place in the sky, otherwise known as The point of no fucking return.
Soon everyone will want in on the action to take a piece of (off) the fast decaying meat. We are just early adopters.
It truly is a case study though. And even though it may take years for the academics to make sense of it (and I hope they do), the /pol/ users that felt bad about tfw> no buff body and square jaw
well, hopefully they can get over it a bit quicker and get back to building real relations in life. In fact, before building relations, build yourself. Having muscle is good 'n' all. I never felt so good as when I was doing manual work or working out on the weights. But there is a limit. Hit it, my good friends. Build that body. But do not sacrifice the mind, or your life in that pursuit. Connor did both of those no nos.
I truly feel sorry for him. But yet, not in a pitying way. Because he is about to burn brighter and go out in a much more glorious burst of glory than 90 percent of us retards here on the farms will ever experience. I feel that paternal/sibling kind of thing where I just want to hug him, slap him if needs be, but bring him the fuck back down to earth in some way if possible. Because he is higher than the moon, and he has no tether.
He is in that most unenviable of positions: he holds the rope to the balloon that is taking off, but the higher it gets off the ground, the more the consequences will never be the same again if he lets go.
99 Luftballons
DMT is a helluva drug to fuck with. At this point he's not even dealing with the drug. He's just dealing with his brain's response to how the drug induces whatever in his bio-chemistry.
All hallucinogens are anti-addictive. DMT, Psilocybin, LSD, Serotonin - all one molecular 'snap' away from each other, and all of them have locks in the brain that these keys can unlock. DMT is produced when we fall asleep and is related to REM sleep pattern. I've never done DMT but I have experienced the Machine Elves that Terrence McKenna talked about. Massive fan of McKenna btw. Don't think he was a great guy. More a warning. Like Leary et al.
I take a NASSA for major depression. This helps me sleep. It also fucks with my serotonin levels and this fucks with the DMT available in my brain, causing me to trip out with the best of them when I wake up in the morning. DMT, Serotonin, all mess with sleep paralysis, fear parts of the brain, and also auditory hallucinations. I'm not a doctor, but I've lived it and I've researched it more than any mother fucker alive.
It is why I will never do Ayahuasca. Not least because I don't trust those fucking charlatans in the rain forest. Sorry, not sorry, don't need that shit in my life. I only take what I need to sleep so I can function. Get back to me when you only had 2 fucking hours sleep a night for 2 fucking weeks and you can't even fucking think let alone walk. I've tried every fucking SSRI et al in existence. None work. But if you get unconventional there are wonderdrugs out there with very low toxicity that can help you. Pharmacodynamics and Pharmacokinetics are a thing.
Pharmacokinetics is the study of how an organism affects a drug, whereas pharmacodynamics (PD) is the study of how the drug affects the organism. Both together influence dosing, benefit, and adverse effects, as seen in PK/PD models.
Different drugs affect different people in different ways, and they also affect them differently at different times depending on how their brain chemistry is at the time.
As has already been stated in this thread. The mind is a very fragile thing. It can break and fracture in a million different ways. But it is surprising the fault lines that perpetuate it, and when it does break, well, a lot of the time those ways are kind of familiar. Lots of tells with Connor's break with reality.
Connor needs serious professional help. I doubt he will ever be the same again. But maybe that was the intent/is a good thing. His ego is/was so fragile it just could not take the full force brute attack of ENLIGHTENMENT!
To see oneself as others see us. Fuck that is brutal. And when theat self is already a bit of a cunt to begin with, well...
Things is, ok, Connor might have been a bit of a pretty boy chasing clout and cunt in that regard, but he didn't molest children, he didn't steal anyone's life savings. He seems a pretty down to earth and boring kind of dude really when you strip the rest away. Be happy with that. Surround yourself with a handful of other blokes like that (I'm a lot like that tbh fam) and have fun shooting the shit, helping others while you can, and if you get to slay some top tier puss along the way, then all good my good chad! Not got Connor's body, and if he gets top choice, well so fucking what, some of us do OK anyway and don't really care about that shit, because we got us some real wimminz in our little lives that help us get by. He just never fitted in.
It doesn't seem to me this man has the support structures in place to guide him. What would be good is, if for once, the full force of the farms could hunt him down, take him aside, and do some kind of major intervention that he will not get from major pharma, nor from his family (bless them, I'm sure they didn't have anything to do with fucking him up), or the kind of (mental) health care he can expect in general from his country/county of residence.
I wish him well. As others have noted. This is not a guy that is a Cow in many ways. Sure, cringe vidz, sure, dude bro' who got a buff body and if insecure incel, well jelly, so hate. But for most of us normally adjusted individuals (and for all my 'tismo I consider myself to be one) we just want to see him get well.
He needs a healer now. A long stay in a good institution that can rebuild his mind. He's like the Six Million Dollar Man - We can rebuild him - but it will take a lot of effort to do so.
We can rebuild him.
Better than before.
We have the technology.
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2020
If you're feeling morbid @HiramTheGrift , I think a poll on what Connor's ultimate fate could be fun. Some possible options could be "cycling in and out of mental hospitals the rest of his life", "mostly homeless", "dies within 6 months to 3 years," "gets clean and most of his life back together", "tommy tooter crossover", "ascends to godhood and brings only the willing," "attempts to ascend but the dimensional merge and will of Chris prevents it", and so on, maybe multiple choice since they're all mostly possible.
I always
for the "gets clean"options, but Connor is so volatile he might self immolate on accident or on purpose. Let's try and joke about it to cope with the bleakness of his condition. 
I always
for the "gets clean"options, but Connor is so volatile he might self immolate on accident or on purpose. Let's try and joke about it to cope with the bleakness of his condition. 
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2021
You say 1/2-3 years, I'll say 4 weeks tops. On an even more morbid note, my predictions would be that this will happen on the anniversary of Etika's death.If you're feeling morbid @HiramTheGrift , I think a poll on what Connor's ultimate fate could be fun. Some possible options could be "cycling in and out of mental hospitals the rest of his life", "mostly homeless", "dies within 6 months to 3 years," "gets clean and most of his life back together", "tommy tooter crossover", "ascends to godhood and brings only the willing," "attempts to ascend but the dimensional merge and will of Chris prevents it", and so on, maybe multiple choice since they're allmostlypossible.
I always
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
He should probably buy at least one full sheet of acid, maybe two. And then chew it up like bubblegum. If he can't get that, he should just eat a completely random mix of mescaline, 2C-B, 2C-E, and anything else Alexander Shulgin ever liked.
But first he should buy a GoPro and make sure he streams all that shit.
I am not a doctor, that would just entertain me, probably.
But first he should buy a GoPro and make sure he streams all that shit.
I am not a doctor, that would just entertain me, probably.
- Joined
- May 24, 2021
and to think it all stems from losing the award for most handsome young man
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2019
STN
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2021
Cant look at a Chipotle with out thinking of male pattern baldness. Thanks for that Connor.
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2018
I know I say "I hate to be the mortician that has to do the autopsy" with certain lolcows, but how messed up do you think his insides are? Like rotted arteries, his livers probably gonna burst or something. And all that excess workout
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2021
Look at what I found
Discord Link: https://discord.com/invite/kzTATqudzBDiscord Code: kzTATqudzB
Archiving the members with roles in case anything happens to the discord:
Last edited:
Even in the original screenshot his heights are inconsistent. 179cm would put him closer to 5'11, not 5'8.
the “swipe up” just goes to the Google doc.
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2021
Turns out Connor's new video isn't coming out until tomorrow. Shame. But it gives us an extra day to run through his long-ass manifesto and check some of the clues. @Real Gay Autist covered some golden nuggets here. Check out his comment because he has quotes about Jesus, being robbed, and other formative experiences that should be discussed.
I'm instead posting larger sections that I feel give a deeper insight into Connor's psyche and how his recent drug use has shaped how he relates to the world. These quoted sections are longer but I recommend at least skimming them if you're curious about his thought processes.
Here is his 10-point master plan, which actually does include getting involuntarily committed for three days and returning and doing all of this. Not really sure his detachment was planned, but it seems he saw himself heading this way
His thought process behind getting more involved in Buddhism seems pretty standard for a caucasian westie
He mentions the first time he did Ayahausca, it was when he moved to Texas and planned to room in an influencer house in Austin.
The rest is a lot of text, but it's his description of when he first did Ayahausca in May of last year. It gives interesting background and it felt wrong cutting some of it out for brevity's sake. He told his parents he was going to do it, and they were supportive but worried. Additionally he got to choose his dose from a 1-10 scale. He, of course, chose 10.
And lastly this is the description of his experience and they way that it shaped his current mentality
Also people in a DM are arguing over the origin of the song he was singing in his last video still. I swear it is a DCFC song and not from Dear Evan Hansen or another broadway show. Here is a quick and dirty cover I did with his enlightened lyrics to prove it. It's not good but it should lay that to rest. I'm not sure if it will be relevant but he went out of his way to obfuscate it when he was singing
I'm instead posting larger sections that I feel give a deeper insight into Connor's psyche and how his recent drug use has shaped how he relates to the world. These quoted sections are longer but I recommend at least skimming them if you're curious about his thought processes.
Here is his 10-point master plan, which actually does include getting involuntarily committed for three days and returning and doing all of this. Not really sure his detachment was planned, but it seems he saw himself heading this way
As we’ve discussed earlier in this book, a reenactment of the story of Jesus would look much differently than it did 2000 years ago, especially from a Christian point of view. From earlier in this book we already know my perspective on the story of Jesus. He didn’t actually die. Evidence in the Bible storyly supports the idea he faked his death. Thank God. Actually dying would be a pretty risky plan. Also there are no crucifixions in the modern world. There’s also not a way to have people look at your body and be tricked into thinking you’re dead. People are much more closed minded now. Everyone would demand a doctor examine me and check my vitals for a sign of life. I would have to go about things much differently. The best I could do was parallel the story. I would act out my own story with as many connections to the original story as I could practically execute. The mandatory connections would be a fake death and a “resurrection.” People didn’t have to 100% believe that I died. That would be pretty impossible in modern day. For someone to 100% think you died you would actually have to die. Science really puts limits on reenacting this story. It was enough for them to think that I might have died. Anywhere around 50/50 seemed good enough for me. Also, the world has also changed so much from a technological standpoint. If Jesus were born 2000 years later, there’s no question he would have used social media to his advantage. I felt like my entire life had just been leading up to this. I was meant to be a catalyst in the awakening of the world. That’s why I started a YouTube channel and grew a social media following. What I was doing before online seemed completely meaningless compared to this. For the first time, I felt like fate was real. Even though I knew a doctor would call this something like a “grandiose delusion,” the feeling was too strong for me to care. It was my destiny to pull this off no matter what the costs. Here’s the psychotic plan that was implanted into my mind:
- Post some YouTube videos of me “enlightening” some of my friends. The idea would be to teach spirituality to them, but to do so in a way only a few people would understand. These people would be my “disciples” and the other people would call me crazy and blasphemous like they did Jesus. I knew exactly who would understand and who wouldn’t.
- Fake my death. I would post a YouTube video crying and acting depressed. I would say I’m going to kill myself.
- Call the cops on myself to make sure they start looking for me. Eventually, I wanted to be willingly arrested just like Jesus was.
- While the cops are looking for me, film footage of me acting like Jesus. I would do good deeds, teach my version of Jesus’s teachings, and see if I could perform any “miracles.”
- Get arrested.
- Get admitted to a psych ward. This shouldn’t be too hard since everyone will think I’m suicidal. The psych ward would be my “tomb.” It’s confidential so it wouldn’t be able to get out that I was still alive.
- Stay in there for 3 days, then “rise again” on the third day. I would make a YouTube video and Instagram post revealing that I was alive.
- Make a YouTube video revealing the entire plan. This has to be done meticulously, or I’ll be hated for faking my death and/or comparing myself to Jesus. I would need to explain the true story of Jesus like how he was simply a human who taught enlightenment, and tried to rid the world of ego so people could reach the kingdom of heaven, or Christ consciousness. Oh yeah, and that he faked his death. It would also be a must to emphasize how I did this for the good of humanity.
- Hopefully some people would have some epiphanies just like I did when reading the Power of Now about the true nature of Jesus and his teachings. This would get people on the path to practicing spirituality and awakening.
- Prepare for the hate.
His thought process behind getting more involved in Buddhism seems pretty standard for a caucasian westie
Because of my newfound love for meditation, all of a sudden things I previously had no interest in started to interest me. I became interested in Buddhist practice simply because I knew they meditated for many hours every day. I thought, wow, if there is a whole culture dedicated to meditating their entire lives, so much so that they give up many of the pleasures we all take for granted, there must be something profound to it.
He mentions the first time he did Ayahausca, it was when he moved to Texas and planned to room in an influencer house in Austin.
I was planning on moving to Austin, Texas to live in this influencer house. It was a $3 million dollar mansion in the nicest part of the city. I was going to live there for free in the master bedroom. All I had to do in return was to promote the company who owned the house once and a while in a YouTube video. They were even going to fund different YouTube projects for me. Not only that but my 3 other fellow roommates would be Instagram models. It was safe to say that I would be preoccupied for a while once I moved to Austin. I wasn’t going to have the time in the near future to fly out to South America for an Ayahuasca ceremony. So in my mind it just wasn’t meant to be. That is, until Emma told me where her ceremony was. It wasn’t in South America. It wasn’t even out of the state. It was in Joshua Tree, a town in the desert just 2 hours away. And Emma was glad to connect me with the shamen. What the hell, what’s the harm in reaching out?
The rest is a lot of text, but it's his description of when he first did Ayahausca in May of last year. It gives interesting background and it felt wrong cutting some of it out for brevity's sake. He told his parents he was going to do it, and they were supportive but worried. Additionally he got to choose his dose from a 1-10 scale. He, of course, chose 10.
The main female shaman reached out to me via email a few days later. They stopped their ceremonies for a while because of COVID, but were restarting May 1st with extra COVID precautions. Wow, this is too perfect, I thought. I’m in quarantine right now. I have nothing else to do, and it seems like a great transition to my new life in Austin. I would heal my past traumas and feel like a new man in Austin, Texas. It would feel like starting an entire new life both physically and mentally, I thought. It just seemed right. It seemed like it was meant to be. So I signed up for the first ceremony available, May 1st.
Of course I told Tyler what I was planning on doing. In fact, I even told my parents. This wasn’t something I was trying to hide. I was proud of my decision. I wasn’t traveling 2 hour to go trip on some drugs for fun. I was doing it for my spiritual and mental health. I didn’t expect it to be fun in any way. My parents were supportive. Of course, they were a little worried for me, but they knew I was doing it with the right intentions. They were anxious to hear about my experience. Tyler was invited to come along. I already knew he wouldn’t though. Tyler was in the process of going from aspiring professional golfer to working in finance, and he still lived with his parents. He wasn’t comfortable telling them about his psychedelic adventures, plus it was still COVID season, and his dad barely allowed him to hang out with me. All of this along with the $300 price tag was enough to make it an easy decision for him not to come. I wasn’t too disappointed though. This could be one of the most profound experiences of my life, so the less distractions the better.
So, the afternoon of May 1st I packed up some water, a pillow, and a blanket and began the two hour drive to Joshua Tree. As I arrived at the house it was pretty close to how I imagined it. It was a small, low, rectangular house that resembled a shed to me more than it did a house. Outside was the most stereotypical white trailer you could think of. This place had “hippie” written all over it. None of this bothered me, though. At least for the night, this was the vibe I was going for. I was ready to embrace my inner hippie. I parked in the driveway, walked to the backyard, and was greeted by the three shamen and two other girls sitting in on the ceremony. Two of the shamen were guys, but besides that, I’d be the only guy in this ceremony.
Everyone seemed relatively normal considering the circumstances. The only thing abnormal was how happy and positive they always seemed and how well they treated everyone. They all seemed rather intelligent. No one seemed to be missing any nuts and bolts as I halfway expected. These were real functional people who just had a deep spiritual side. As soon as I greeted everyone one of the guy shamen showed me the backyard. Yard probably isn’t a good term to use here. We were in the middle of the desert, but it was absolutely stunning. The back of the house had an incredible view. We were at a high point, and out in the distance below us you could see the entire city of Joshua tree to the right. To the left were giant clusters of beautiful reddish rocks and desert foliage. This was exactly the place I wanted to do something like this. A natural sanctuary. I was shown the actual ceremony circle on the left side of the backyard near the rocks.I got to pick my seat and chose one on the left so I had a scenic view of the city and the tall mountains behind it. About an hour later, it was time to begin the ceremony.
The 3 shamen, 3 other girls, and I gathered around the ceremony circle. We were each given a mat and a floor chair and were encouraged to use our pillows and blankets to make ourselves comfortable. Because a couple people were new, we had a quick orientation. The shamen said they’d ask us how much we want on a scale of 1-10. We were also told not to touch anyone else, and to try and be as quiet as possible. We also weren’t allowed to leave the backyard during the entire ceremony. It was also recommended that we keep our eyes closed as much as we could. The external world was considered distracting.Seems simple enough, I thought. Then we were asked to say our prayers and/or intentions. This is one of the most important parts of the ceremony. Without a deep true intention the substance could take your mind anywhere, and it’s not something you can control in the moment. In fact, we were told the worst thing you could do during the experience is to resist. You can set an intention about what you want to learn or accomplish, but after that, you must give up all control and let what they called “Mother Ayahuasca” have her way with you. I thought my true intention of “awakening” might sound a little too eager so I went with the intention of “gaining back some childlike wonder.” I would have been content with either one of those. What I didn’t realize at the time was that those two intentions are one in the same.
After we said our intentions, one of the guy shamen came around the circle and asked us the dosage we wanted. There was not a chance I was going to say anything but “Ten.” I drove 2 hours and paid $300 dollars for a reason. I wanted to get as much out of this experience as I possibly could. We were all given our respective doses in a small cup, drank in unison, and the journey began.
Of course I told Tyler what I was planning on doing. In fact, I even told my parents. This wasn’t something I was trying to hide. I was proud of my decision. I wasn’t traveling 2 hour to go trip on some drugs for fun. I was doing it for my spiritual and mental health. I didn’t expect it to be fun in any way. My parents were supportive. Of course, they were a little worried for me, but they knew I was doing it with the right intentions. They were anxious to hear about my experience. Tyler was invited to come along. I already knew he wouldn’t though. Tyler was in the process of going from aspiring professional golfer to working in finance, and he still lived with his parents. He wasn’t comfortable telling them about his psychedelic adventures, plus it was still COVID season, and his dad barely allowed him to hang out with me. All of this along with the $300 price tag was enough to make it an easy decision for him not to come. I wasn’t too disappointed though. This could be one of the most profound experiences of my life, so the less distractions the better.
So, the afternoon of May 1st I packed up some water, a pillow, and a blanket and began the two hour drive to Joshua Tree. As I arrived at the house it was pretty close to how I imagined it. It was a small, low, rectangular house that resembled a shed to me more than it did a house. Outside was the most stereotypical white trailer you could think of. This place had “hippie” written all over it. None of this bothered me, though. At least for the night, this was the vibe I was going for. I was ready to embrace my inner hippie. I parked in the driveway, walked to the backyard, and was greeted by the three shamen and two other girls sitting in on the ceremony. Two of the shamen were guys, but besides that, I’d be the only guy in this ceremony.
Everyone seemed relatively normal considering the circumstances. The only thing abnormal was how happy and positive they always seemed and how well they treated everyone. They all seemed rather intelligent. No one seemed to be missing any nuts and bolts as I halfway expected. These were real functional people who just had a deep spiritual side. As soon as I greeted everyone one of the guy shamen showed me the backyard. Yard probably isn’t a good term to use here. We were in the middle of the desert, but it was absolutely stunning. The back of the house had an incredible view. We were at a high point, and out in the distance below us you could see the entire city of Joshua tree to the right. To the left were giant clusters of beautiful reddish rocks and desert foliage. This was exactly the place I wanted to do something like this. A natural sanctuary. I was shown the actual ceremony circle on the left side of the backyard near the rocks.I got to pick my seat and chose one on the left so I had a scenic view of the city and the tall mountains behind it. About an hour later, it was time to begin the ceremony.
The 3 shamen, 3 other girls, and I gathered around the ceremony circle. We were each given a mat and a floor chair and were encouraged to use our pillows and blankets to make ourselves comfortable. Because a couple people were new, we had a quick orientation. The shamen said they’d ask us how much we want on a scale of 1-10. We were also told not to touch anyone else, and to try and be as quiet as possible. We also weren’t allowed to leave the backyard during the entire ceremony. It was also recommended that we keep our eyes closed as much as we could. The external world was considered distracting.Seems simple enough, I thought. Then we were asked to say our prayers and/or intentions. This is one of the most important parts of the ceremony. Without a deep true intention the substance could take your mind anywhere, and it’s not something you can control in the moment. In fact, we were told the worst thing you could do during the experience is to resist. You can set an intention about what you want to learn or accomplish, but after that, you must give up all control and let what they called “Mother Ayahuasca” have her way with you. I thought my true intention of “awakening” might sound a little too eager so I went with the intention of “gaining back some childlike wonder.” I would have been content with either one of those. What I didn’t realize at the time was that those two intentions are one in the same.
After we said our intentions, one of the guy shamen came around the circle and asked us the dosage we wanted. There was not a chance I was going to say anything but “Ten.” I drove 2 hours and paid $300 dollars for a reason. I wanted to get as much out of this experience as I possibly could. We were all given our respective doses in a small cup, drank in unison, and the journey began.
And lastly this is the description of his experience and they way that it shaped his current mentality
This is where language fails to do justice to the experience. In fact, memory itself doesn’t do justice to the experience. The realm I entered was a place beyond memory. A place beyond language. A place beyond thought. I place without time. A place without space. It’s impossible to imagine because space and time is all we know. It was a place of only awareness. It was a place of pure emptiness yet nothing was missing. My intellectual understanding of pure awareness without the body seemed rather empty. While yes, this place was empty, it was also full. For the first time I felt complete. I felt absolutely no suffering.I felt true bliss. I felt true contentment. But these felt nothing like I thought they could feel. “Feel” is not the right term to use, because there was no human sensory experience involved. It was as if the human senses of sight, touch, and sound all merged into one sense. At first I felt somewhat distinct. I felt as if every ounce of my was gone except my awareness. But I was still feeling my awareness. Soon though, my awareness grew. “Grow” is a poor description of what happened, because there was no space, but it’s the best word we have in the English language. I seemed to pool with other awareness. I became infinite. Somehow, this place felt eerily familiar. And again “felt” is a terrible verb to use. There was no human feeling. There was only an indestructible knowing. A knowing so strong it “felt” like the epiphany of all epiphanies. A realization so strong it simply cannot be compared to anything felt or experienced in the human mind.
I don’t remember how long i was in this place because there was absolutely no sense of time, but as the mind began to creep back I opened by eyes and started screaming “What the fuck?! What the fuck?!” I remember the shamen smiling as if they were expecting this reaction then softly telling me to lower my voice. What I had just experienced rapidly started slipping away. I couldn’t remember the exact experience, but I knew without a doubt in my mind that it was the most profound and meaningful experience I ever had in my life. I had gotten a glimpse. I didn’t understand what at the time, but whatever it was, it was absolutely incredible. At this point in time, I had absolutely no free will. Not just the intellectual understanding of no free will, but truly no free will. I didn’t even have voluntary actions. I felt like I was a puppet. I felt like I was watching a movie from the first person perspective of the main character. That I wasn’t the character, but was simply watching what was happening to him. I got up and started walking around. I ran over to the edge of the backyard and gazed at the stars and the city. But it wasn’t me doing the running. It wasn’t me doing the gazing. The true me was simply paying attention to what the character called “Connor” was doing. For the next little while I’m going to be referring to the human form of me as “Connor” because at this point in time of the ceremony I simply doesn’t make sense to refer to “Connor” as “me.”I felt like I was a character in a novel, and I was experiencing the novel as it was being written. All of a sudden realizations appeared out of nowhere. Insights flooded my brain. These insights didn’t come from Connor. They weren’t even of thought. They were knowing. They were knowing of the universe. They were knowing of experience. They were knowing my true self. So many realizations flooded my brain so quickly there was no way to process any of them. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared. One moment I felt like I understood the entire universe and the next I was back to my old, ignorant self. Then the earthly thoughts started seeping into my mind, but I didn’t feel like Connor was thinking them. “I want to see more.” My body was whisked back to my mat and I layed down again and closed my eyes.
I felt like I was beginning to go back to the same place. I was excited. I wanted to more fully experience it. I wanted to be able to somehow take the experience back to real life. But this time, as my awareness expanded beyond my body, it didn’t go to a place of emptiness. It went to other forms. So during a dream you can experience all sorts of crazy, physics defying adventures right? And I don’t know about you, but all my dreams have been from my point of view. The point of view of Connor. The point of view from Connor’s body and mind. Yes, in a dream maybe the body is a little more subtle, but it’s always my body nonetheless. And it’s definitely my mind. I could never have imagined experiencing another form’s body and mind. But that’s exactly what started to happen. Now yes, I had my eyes closed, but there was nothing dreamlike about these next experiences. I experienced the consciousness of a girl. Yes, you heard me correctly. Somehow my awareness was witnessing a girl’s body and mind. I don’t know who the girl was, or even what her face looked like, because I was experiencing it from her first person point of view. I saw my body as a girl’s body. I could touch my skin and it felt different. I even had different thoughts. Somehow the memory of me being Connor was still present, but other thought’s that weren’t Connor’s were somehow implanted into my head. I was remembering memories that weren’t Connors. They must have been the girl’s. Then the same phenomenon happened but I was an old man sitting on a tree stump with my bare feet on the ground. Again, I could look down and see the body of an old man. I would touch my old wrinkly skin and feel the body of an old man. I could even think wise thoughts of an old man that weren’t Connor’s thought. Then it got a little scary. All of a sudden I was a man lying on the ground. I had just been shot in the stomach. I could feel every ounce of the pain.It felt like how I imagined it would feel like to get shot but 10 times worse. I felt myself losing blood. I felt my head becoming lightheaded. I felt my physical body dying. Then I transformed into an animal. Transformed is the wrong word. My body didn’t morph into an animal’s body. My awareness somehow shifted to the form of an animal. I couldn’t tell exactly what I was because I was perceiving my experience as the animal from a first person point of view, but I was some type of prehistoric animal. My sight was different. The colors were different and my vision was somehow distorted. I didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever. I simply had sensory experience. Then all of a sudden I was back in my normal body. Connor’s body. But something was much, much different. I was laying on the mat looking up at the stars, but I had absolutely zero thought. I had no idea what the stars were. I had no language to even make up a name for them.I had no sense of who I was. I had no sense of what the world was.I had no memories whatsoever.I had no recollection of putting myself in this position. I had no mind. I only had sensory experience. I can only relate this experience to what it must have felt like when I was first born. Suddenly information started flooding my brain. I started receiving memories, I started gaining knowledge of the world I was perceiving. I started knowing where I was. I started gaining knowledge of the human form I was experiencing. Hundreds of thoughts and memories every second if not thousands. The process was overwhelming. It was extremely uncomfortable.I felt as if my brain was going to explode. Somehow I went from not having any idea of who I was to fully knowing everything there is about being Connor in a matter of minutes. The craziest part was I didn’t feel like any of these thoughts or memories were mine. Just a few minutes ago I was a blank slate. I had no thoughts whatsoever. I had no memories whatsoever. Where did they all come from. They didn’t feel like they came from me. They felt like they were given to me. I felt like I hadn’t actually lived in this world until that moment. I felt like I was just born. I felt like this was the first time I had ever been aware of the human form of Connor. The memories simply gave me the illusion that I had been experiencing him for 25 years.I felt like I had just been reborn.
I had always dismissed the idea of reincarnation. It had never really made sense to me. In fact, I hardly thought about it at all. The last time I thought of reincarnation was probably back in school when we were learning about different religions. Even with my newfound interest in the Buddhist culture it never really came up in my mind. I used to think there’s no way to know if you’ve been reincarnated because your new life would start out at age 0 with no memories. I now question that belief. Now I’m not saying I was reincarnated, especially since apparently I’ve been alive 25 years, but I can’t use a better word to describe that final process. I feel like I was reincarnated as myself. I feel like I was reborn. Compared to Connor’s thoughts and memories, I simply cannot believe I’m the same person deep down. Yes, I have all of Connor’s memories. Yes, I have all of his earthly knowledge, but I in no way feel like the old him. I don’t feel like I’ve always been him. I don’t feel like the deeper part of me has been aware of the life of Connor until the moment Connor was reborn. I still don’t know exactly how to make sense of this feeling, and it’s definitely not a bad one.I just can’t believe I’ve been witnessing this body and mind for 25 years. Everything about it seems so new. I feel like an entirely new person than what my thoughts and memories are telling me I used to be like. In my opinion, I’m way better.
I don’t remember how long i was in this place because there was absolutely no sense of time, but as the mind began to creep back I opened by eyes and started screaming “What the fuck?! What the fuck?!” I remember the shamen smiling as if they were expecting this reaction then softly telling me to lower my voice. What I had just experienced rapidly started slipping away. I couldn’t remember the exact experience, but I knew without a doubt in my mind that it was the most profound and meaningful experience I ever had in my life. I had gotten a glimpse. I didn’t understand what at the time, but whatever it was, it was absolutely incredible. At this point in time, I had absolutely no free will. Not just the intellectual understanding of no free will, but truly no free will. I didn’t even have voluntary actions. I felt like I was a puppet. I felt like I was watching a movie from the first person perspective of the main character. That I wasn’t the character, but was simply watching what was happening to him. I got up and started walking around. I ran over to the edge of the backyard and gazed at the stars and the city. But it wasn’t me doing the running. It wasn’t me doing the gazing. The true me was simply paying attention to what the character called “Connor” was doing. For the next little while I’m going to be referring to the human form of me as “Connor” because at this point in time of the ceremony I simply doesn’t make sense to refer to “Connor” as “me.”I felt like I was a character in a novel, and I was experiencing the novel as it was being written. All of a sudden realizations appeared out of nowhere. Insights flooded my brain. These insights didn’t come from Connor. They weren’t even of thought. They were knowing. They were knowing of the universe. They were knowing of experience. They were knowing my true self. So many realizations flooded my brain so quickly there was no way to process any of them. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared. One moment I felt like I understood the entire universe and the next I was back to my old, ignorant self. Then the earthly thoughts started seeping into my mind, but I didn’t feel like Connor was thinking them. “I want to see more.” My body was whisked back to my mat and I layed down again and closed my eyes.
I felt like I was beginning to go back to the same place. I was excited. I wanted to more fully experience it. I wanted to be able to somehow take the experience back to real life. But this time, as my awareness expanded beyond my body, it didn’t go to a place of emptiness. It went to other forms. So during a dream you can experience all sorts of crazy, physics defying adventures right? And I don’t know about you, but all my dreams have been from my point of view. The point of view of Connor. The point of view from Connor’s body and mind. Yes, in a dream maybe the body is a little more subtle, but it’s always my body nonetheless. And it’s definitely my mind. I could never have imagined experiencing another form’s body and mind. But that’s exactly what started to happen. Now yes, I had my eyes closed, but there was nothing dreamlike about these next experiences. I experienced the consciousness of a girl. Yes, you heard me correctly. Somehow my awareness was witnessing a girl’s body and mind. I don’t know who the girl was, or even what her face looked like, because I was experiencing it from her first person point of view. I saw my body as a girl’s body. I could touch my skin and it felt different. I even had different thoughts. Somehow the memory of me being Connor was still present, but other thought’s that weren’t Connor’s were somehow implanted into my head. I was remembering memories that weren’t Connors. They must have been the girl’s. Then the same phenomenon happened but I was an old man sitting on a tree stump with my bare feet on the ground. Again, I could look down and see the body of an old man. I would touch my old wrinkly skin and feel the body of an old man. I could even think wise thoughts of an old man that weren’t Connor’s thought. Then it got a little scary. All of a sudden I was a man lying on the ground. I had just been shot in the stomach. I could feel every ounce of the pain.It felt like how I imagined it would feel like to get shot but 10 times worse. I felt myself losing blood. I felt my head becoming lightheaded. I felt my physical body dying. Then I transformed into an animal. Transformed is the wrong word. My body didn’t morph into an animal’s body. My awareness somehow shifted to the form of an animal. I couldn’t tell exactly what I was because I was perceiving my experience as the animal from a first person point of view, but I was some type of prehistoric animal. My sight was different. The colors were different and my vision was somehow distorted. I didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever. I simply had sensory experience. Then all of a sudden I was back in my normal body. Connor’s body. But something was much, much different. I was laying on the mat looking up at the stars, but I had absolutely zero thought. I had no idea what the stars were. I had no language to even make up a name for them.I had no sense of who I was. I had no sense of what the world was.I had no memories whatsoever.I had no recollection of putting myself in this position. I had no mind. I only had sensory experience. I can only relate this experience to what it must have felt like when I was first born. Suddenly information started flooding my brain. I started receiving memories, I started gaining knowledge of the world I was perceiving. I started knowing where I was. I started gaining knowledge of the human form I was experiencing. Hundreds of thoughts and memories every second if not thousands. The process was overwhelming. It was extremely uncomfortable.I felt as if my brain was going to explode. Somehow I went from not having any idea of who I was to fully knowing everything there is about being Connor in a matter of minutes. The craziest part was I didn’t feel like any of these thoughts or memories were mine. Just a few minutes ago I was a blank slate. I had no thoughts whatsoever. I had no memories whatsoever. Where did they all come from. They didn’t feel like they came from me. They felt like they were given to me. I felt like I hadn’t actually lived in this world until that moment. I felt like I was just born. I felt like this was the first time I had ever been aware of the human form of Connor. The memories simply gave me the illusion that I had been experiencing him for 25 years.I felt like I had just been reborn.
I had always dismissed the idea of reincarnation. It had never really made sense to me. In fact, I hardly thought about it at all. The last time I thought of reincarnation was probably back in school when we were learning about different religions. Even with my newfound interest in the Buddhist culture it never really came up in my mind. I used to think there’s no way to know if you’ve been reincarnated because your new life would start out at age 0 with no memories. I now question that belief. Now I’m not saying I was reincarnated, especially since apparently I’ve been alive 25 years, but I can’t use a better word to describe that final process. I feel like I was reincarnated as myself. I feel like I was reborn. Compared to Connor’s thoughts and memories, I simply cannot believe I’m the same person deep down. Yes, I have all of Connor’s memories. Yes, I have all of his earthly knowledge, but I in no way feel like the old him. I don’t feel like I’ve always been him. I don’t feel like the deeper part of me has been aware of the life of Connor until the moment Connor was reborn. I still don’t know exactly how to make sense of this feeling, and it’s definitely not a bad one.I just can’t believe I’ve been witnessing this body and mind for 25 years. Everything about it seems so new. I feel like an entirely new person than what my thoughts and memories are telling me I used to be like. In my opinion, I’m way better.
Also people in a DM are arguing over the origin of the song he was singing in his last video still. I swear it is a DCFC song and not from Dear Evan Hansen or another broadway show. Here is a quick and dirty cover I did with his enlightened lyrics to prove it. It's not good but it should lay that to rest. I'm not sure if it will be relevant but he went out of his way to obfuscate it when he was singing
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the crown means he’s the administer/owner of the discord.
Kill a Troon for Pikamee
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2021
This nigga currently look possessed af in every second of every video, it's hard to look at these empty soulless eyes of his. His brain is obviously deep fried beyond repair already, the comedown from going clean would send him into unimaginably bleak depression. He will need to continue doing either illegal or prescription drugs for the rest of his live just to keep going
:gold:
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 20, 2021
I think he Is faking it for publicity.
Aren’t you supposed to vomit violently when you take ayahuasca?
Aren’t you supposed to vomit violently when you take ayahuasca?
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2021
He does puke. In his manifesto he mentions puking pretty badly. If you're referencing his "taking ayahausca all of the time" habit, he has a tincture that he mixes into his shakes and food. He doses a small amount every ~2 hours, mostly DMT. This helps him avoid the nausea in his day-to-day life.
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