You know what hacks me off? Pencils.
The bane of my fucking existence.
There are an Imperial buttload of reads why they are the worst writing utensil ever invented.
1.a That fucking point gets duller faster than a kid drinking from the tap at Flint, MI.
1.b Sharpening that abomination against civilization is either going to give you repetitive stress injury, using the "traditional" hand crank method. OR it is raping my our wallets by making us buy an electric sharpener. God forbid you have to use one of those kiddy sharpeners. shudders
1.c These infernal devices have clearly been made to break every time you are almost to a fine point in the machine. Obviously this is a result of Robber Barons run rampant.
2. These apparatuses have clearly been endorsed by thieves and counterfeiter, they are easily erasable. I mean, what if you have to write a check? Or sign a contract? Clearly the "pencil" is against the very principal of legal law. But what about the laws of nature?
3. Pencils are disposable by design and necessitate the cutting down of trees to form their "bodies." YOu people have to understand, every pencil made directly contributes to the deforestation of the Amazon. Thereby crushing ecological diversity, and causing global warming.
4. Finally, there is one last point of the crimes of the writing utensil known as the pencil. I speak of course of the highest of torments. The color, if you can call it that, of the residue on paper. A naive blind person may inevitably ask: "what is wrong with it?" and I say: "IT IS FUCKING GREY!" Gray on white paper, instead of the proper black or blue. I don't know how people can stand to live in a world where that exists.
5. A quill is obviously better, it maintains its point, can create a variety of strokes to liven up the text. It is also reusable and refillable. It comes naturally from the feathers of large bird who no longer need them. Clearly, one who is close to nature must appreciate its advantages over the pencil.
6. Ballpoint pens are of course disposable, a great evil I grant you, but they can be used for far longer than the pencil and can be recycled. So it is a net positive.
7. Of course the true and honest utensil of writing is the glorious, God-given, fountain pen. It isn't for losers. unlike the disposable wooden stick.
In conclusion, Banning the pencil is not only a good idea, it is a moral imperative!
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This post has been made by: The Fountain Pen Foundation for the Advancement of Humanity.