Housemates from Hell - Lolcalfs way too close for comfort.

[CharcoalChkn]

Had some pretty interesting characters share a house with me through the years that I found through house/room share websites, also inspired by the happenings in the Luna Slater thread recently.

Share your awful housemate stories.

We had a leaking facuet at a joint a little higher than were it meets the bench top. Ask housemate if he can stay home and watch it and call a plumber to come check it out before it gets worse, he agrees. I come home from work, no plumber in sight, but water all over the floor, walk up to the faucet to check it out, found this fucking retard used STICKY TAPE to try and stop the leak. When asked why he didn't call the plumber, he said he didn't know who to call.

Calls me up at work one day, tells me my cat threw up a kidney (I am not kidding he used that wording), I panic and rush home thinking there must be blood or something for him to say something so wild. I get home, it's a furball.

Housemate gets a mini fridge and leaves it near his room, I kinda let it chill there and never look at it since it's not my business what goes in there. 4 months go by, we have a routine inspection coming up, I ask everyone to clean up their respective areas, don't worry about the bathroom, kitchen and lounge, I'll take one for the team there. Literally I was asking for bare minimum effort from the both of them and I would do the heavy lifting. I go to vacuum the area near his room where the fridge is, notice the fridge is unplugged (oh please, god no) open that bad boy up and am greeted with about 10 or so containers of left over fast food and about 5 different ecosystems growing in there, notice there is a puddle of mould growing under the fridge, from that rank shit being left in there so long and trying to escape. So now I'm pissed, go into his room to assess what exactly the damage is, reeks of dirty socks, half eaten food every where and a mountain of uber eats bags and carboard to rival Chantal. I absolutely lost my shit, there was no way I'm getting hit with a deduction on the bond because of this failure of a human being.

Last story from this house, I buy a new washing machine for everyone to use, perhaps my fault for not establishing rules, but you would think people with common sense and respect for other peoples belongings would not a) put their work boots in a washing machine after b) pouring an entire bottle of Dettol in there at c) 1:30am in the morning when someone's bedroom is next to the laundry. Even after running some ratty towels through the machine a few times to try and get it all out the first load of clothes I put through after had a lingering of Dettol and feet sweat on them

House shares, never again.

Please indulge me with your worst.

 

[Mojo Thief]

I'm going to be careful with what I say to avoid powerleveling, but I had a roommate in college who was the very embodiment of insufferable autism. This guy had absolutely no social skills, and made zero effort to rectify that because he believed he was the smartest man on the planet and would talk condescendingly to absolutely everyone. If we had a show on TV, unless it was the one TV show he liked, he would stand there and blurt out about how shit it is because of some trivial shit, which always circled back into how his favorite show was the best show ever. This would happen all the fucking time; if he saw something he didn't like, he felt the need to open his mouth as if he were trying to troll us like on 4Chan (he was an avid Channer, which would explain some things).

He would play video games all through the night, and he would hoot and holler the typical autist gamer catchphrases ("get rekt!", "git gud scrub!") at maximum volume, completely ignorant of the fact our house had thin walls and the rest of us sleep at normal hours. I would tell him to knock it off, and he would, for about half an hour. He would also overfill the rice cooker with too much rice and too little water, leaving us with a mess of rice mush on top, crunchy, uncooked rice on the bottom, and a countertop covered in starch, and he would always make this pot at the ungodly hours of the night and leave it overnight for it to get moldy in the morning (how stupid do you have to be to fuck up rice?).

In typical gamer autist fashion, his room smelled like rotting food and ass, and since it was next to the stairs I had to smell it every morning.

Now, this guy defined himself with a particular hobby. He was obsessed with a certain card game (fill in the blank, they're all black holes for autism), and everything (doesn't matter what, could be another, very similar card game, it could be a movie, it could be a video game, it could be cooking) compared unfavorably to it in his mind. He obsessively collected cards, and watched YouTubers who claim to engage in speculating in the card market. This retard was convinced he could build a portfolio on trading cards.

The straw that finally broke the camel's back for me with this asshole was one night when I was making dinner (we had a bunch of people in the house, plus often their SOs, so we'd make communal dinners) for everyone. The bare minimum you have to do is thank the cook, which for a person with even the slightest modicum of decency should be a no-brainer. This guy comes in after we've all started eating and starts helping himself to the food. Not once does he thank me. Annoyed, I said "You're welcome." He proceeds to throw the food in the trash, and says "I will not engage in this." I cussed him out and forbade him from every eating my food again unless he apologizes.

It was very satisfying posting the note that he had to move out at the end of the school year. Seeing this weasel spaz out gathering his things in a panic was a great payoff to the shit he gave the rest of us. Also, he never apologized for the food incident. Wherever he is, I hope he's been kicked somewhere he never has to interact with a human being ever again.

 

[Caesare]

which always circled back into how his favorite show was the best show ever.

So what was the show?

I hope people keep posting more of these. I like reading stuff like this. They have a subreddit that is entirely stories like this, and since it's redditors complaining about roommates, and redditors, being what they are, for them to complain about someone else's actions, it has to be beyond horrible stuff. Cuz you know redditors can put up with a lot, giving their own hygiene deficiencies, so the stories are always stuff that any normal person would have at most murdered another human being over, at the very least, would have kicked the person out or moved out if that wasn't possible.

Cowardly redditors though, they'll be like, "My roommate has a hoard in his room, dead cats, rats, etc. Should I maybe speak to them about this?"

I don't have any good stories to add because I never had roommates. I don't get how you have a roommate and then invite your significant other over. So you're trying to have a nice, romantic evening and there's just some dude there the whole time? What if the roommate wants to have theirs over and they want to have sex? You just have to listen to that while you're trying to sleep? Sounds awkward and uncomfortable, no thanks.

My only "roommate" story involves an old girlfriend that lived with me for awhile. I'd be out of the apartment and come back to the lights being out because she somehow blew the fuse. I'd ask what the hell she kept doing, but always got the same answer, "I don't know. It just went out all of a sudden."

One day, I notice when she gets out of the shower, she starts blowdrying her hair, not in the bathroom like a normal person. No, She'd go in a bedroom and sit at the desk to start blow drying her hair. Of course the fuse blows out and I explain to her that the blowdryer uses a lot of voltage and you can't use it on a regular electrical outlet. I show her the special looking outlet in the bathroom and explain that those are made for higher voltage, for blowdryer use. "But I don't like blow drying my hair in the bathroom!" Too bad retard. I'm not gonna go outside and fuck with the circuit breaker every time you feel like drying your hair.

 

[hotcheetospuffs]

During college, I lived in a small apartment with a fun but crazy girl who stopped going to class and had a quick descent into madness. She was too lazy to go anywhere so her mother mailed her nonperishable food in boxes. Her room became so messy, knee deep in trash and junk, that she no longer slept in her bed but on a pile of clothing in her closet. I had a new kitten that would stare at her door for hours. Turned out there were mice in there. I went in the room when she wasn't home and found the mess to be horrifying and strange. Overturned furniture, half-smoked nail polish-covered cigarettes, a bowl of dry cake mix with a spoon in it stuffed in a half-open drawer, dry spaghetti sticking out of a the margarine tub she was dipping it in and worst of all about 7 slurpee cups all filled with stale urine. I have no idea what she was saving it for, but it stunk so I dumped it all down the sink for fear it would spill or that she would douse my things with it since we had begun fighting over the mess. I asked the landlord to put a lock on my bedroom door and I moved out a month later. Her family came and cleaned up the mess for her and bought her all new things to ruin. Last I heard she ended up burning down the flat she was living in by leaving food on the stove. The fire killed her cats and she was badly injured. I assume she's on disability now getting the free ride she always wanted.

 

[CharcoalChkn]

One day, I notice when she gets out of the shower, she starts blowdrying her hair, not in the bathroom like a normal person. No, She'd go in a bedroom and sit at the desk to start blow drying her hair. Of course the fuse blows out and I explain to her that the blowdryer uses a lot of voltage and you can't use it on a regular electrical outlet. I show her the special looking outlet in the bathroom and explain that those are made for higher voltage, for blowdryer use. "But I don't like blow drying my hair in the bathroom!" Too bad retard. I'm not gonna go outside and fuck with the circuit breaker every time you feel like drying your hair.

Different house, different housemates.

Housemate blew the fusebox every other week because she wanted to use the hairdryer in her room, had a crappy cheapo super market power board my pc + peripherals were plugged into. Blew my power supply up after one too many incidents (granted, my fault for keeping things plugged into that piece of shit lol), but she refused to use the hair dryer in the bathroom even though myself and our other housemate continually nagged her.

Other housemate in this house was a total retard about doors. He had an elderly cat with hip problems from a big fall a few years prior, I had a young kitten at the time, fucker would forget to close the front door pretty frequently (I don't even know) had my cat get out a few times, the other one was too old to care to make a break for it, we lived next to a busy highway leading directly into the city. I'm surprised either cat survived that house.

I think I only lasted there 4 months, thankfully didn't have my name on the lease so I could just up and leave when I wanted.

 

[BlaireWhitesBottom]

I'm going to be careful with what I say to avoid powerleveling, but I had a roommate in college who was the very embodiment of insufferable autism. This guy had absolutely no social skills, and made zero effort to rectify that because he believed he was the smartest man on the planet and would talk condescendingly to absolutely everyone. If we had a show on TV, unless it was the one TV show he liked, he would stand there and blurt out about how shit it is because of some trivial shit, which always circled back into how his favorite show was the best show ever. This would happen all the fucking time; if he saw something he didn't like, he felt the need to open his mouth as if he were trying to troll us like on 4Chan (he was an avid Channer, which would explain some things).

wait this is NOT a retardation containment zone for you guys? like i post on here to get it all "out of my system" so to speak lol its crazy to me that anyone would say anything IRL that they did on 4chan.

 

[Mojo Thief]

So what was the show?

I'd tell you, but I don't want to risk the possibility one of my ex-roommates having an account here and piecing two and two together from what I've already divulged. We all hated the bastard so they'd probably get a laugh out it, but I'd prefer this account stay anonymous.

I will say this guy was an early alt-righter and active on 4Chan, and when we'd put anime on during our dinners he'd stand there and shout "weeaboos! Weeb shit!"

So take whatever was popular on /pol/ in the mid 2010s that isn't anime and that'll be your answer.

Spoiler: Here are some examples

I've never even been on /pol/, so I have no idea what those schizos like

wait this is NOT a retardation containment zone for you guys? like i post on here to get it all "out of my system" so to speak lol its crazy to me that anyone would say anything IRL that they did on 4chan.

When you have the social retardation wrought by autism combined with a delusion that everyone else is a troglodyte that exists for your own amusement, the line between interactions on the web and real life become blurred.

The thing with this guy is that he would never dare act like this in public. It's only when he'd come home that he act like a complete dickwad. Maybe he truly did see us as his own personal IRL 4Chan board.

I don't even really know what 4chan is. I know it's a website but I've never used it nor known even a single person who used it. Though I've seen funny things people have posted here that supposedly originated from there so I support it. That's really paranoid though, to think that your former roommate has an account here and won't name a popular (im assuming) tv show.

I understand if it sounds paranoid, but the events of the past month (and the autism-powered super sleuths on this very site) should have affirmed the importance of preserving your anonymity on this site. I just want to shitpost in peace.

 

[Caesare]

I'd tell you, but I don't want to risk the possibility one of my ex-roommates having an account here and piecing two and two together from what I've already divulged. We all hated the bastard so they'd probably get a laugh out it, but I'd prefer this account stay anonymous.

I will say this guy was an early alt-righter and active on 4Chan, and when we'd put anime on during our dinners he'd stand there and shout "weeaboos! Weeb shit!"

So take whatever was popular on /pol/ in the mid 2010s that isn't anime and that'll be your answer.

Spoiler: Here are some examples

I've never even been on /pol/, so I have no idea what those schizos like

I don't even really know what 4chan is. I know it's a website but I've never used it nor known even a single person who used it. Though I've seen funny things people have posted here that supposedly originated from there so I support it. That's really paranoid though, to think that your former roommate has an account here so won't name a popular (im assuming) tv show.

 

[Grub]

Kicked a dude that lived with us out after he hadn't paid any rent for 3 months. He never came back for his stuff. There'd been a smell coming from his room for like a month. Finally went into his room to clean/see what was going on. Holy fuck the mountain of garbage. Old meat packages, fast food packages. Everywhere all over his bed, on the floor stacked higher than his bed a literal wall of pizza boxes several columns wide that stretched to the ceiling. I can't even describe how disgusting it was.

He'd carved out a human shaped section of the bed where he would lie down or whatever. There on the bed, right around what would have been crotch area was a bag. It's where the smell was coming from. I touched the bag. It exploded in a cloud of flies and maggots. It was a bag of month old sushi that had deteriorated to brown mush. He had piss bottles lining the shelves and his dresser. One of them had semi melted into the top of a microwave he'd been using to cook pork chops and shit.

It gets worse though. He had several giant black dildos lying around, he was one of those super homophobic kind of dudes, constantly bad mouth faggots and stuff, he had several sex dolls that were successively grosser and more used. Seems like he just used one until it got too gross then would buy new ones. Stacks of old porno magazines lying on the bed.

I couldn't do it. It was too much. We ended up just moving and leaving his shit there. Put a note with his name and phone number on the door explaining the atrocity that was that room belonged to him and left. I feel bad for whoever ended up going in there and cleaning that up.

 

[CharcoalChkn]

This is about the last person I shared house with before I just said fuck it, paying the extra 100 a week is worth not putting up with all the bullshit other people bring.

Moved in, this guy had recently bought the house and needed someone to rent the spare room / side of the house. Was a pretty sweet deal, good rent, my own bathroom and garden area, close to work and shops. No living area, that's fine I had enough space in my room for my desk, a couch and tv, and the glass wall/door could make the garden somewhat of a living area in the warmer months.

Things were pretty chill for the first few months, kept out of each other's hair for the most part, was kind of annoying when guests would come over they would use my ensuite bathroom instead of the master bathroom if I wasn't home, also weird, but whatever.

A few passive aggressive remarks about a spec of oil being on the splashback and I didn't clean properly, okay mother fucker I'm not your maid, sorry I missed a spot when cleaned up my mess and also yours.

What pissed me off though was when he got a girlfriend, I didn't mind her staying over at all or anything like that, we're adults, what I did mind was a month time period where he was overseas and didn't tell me he gave the house key to her, had a near fucking heart attack while in the shower and could hear someone walking around the house.

After he returned from overseas she was having family trouble, I could tell it was coming, he let me know that she "might" move in, but it won't be until at least another "month". Not really what I signed up for, I don't like living with couples but I'll see how it goes.

That "month" turned out to be "tomorrow".

A week later, "Oh she was wondering if she could have your spot in the garage and you can use street parking and get a permit." Bitch? I'm paying rent and she's not, fuck off. I said no and it was all out passive aggressiveness from here on out.

This dude was such a little fag he just hinted that he wanted me to move out like "Oh, maybe next year we want our own space..." I had an inkling their relationship wouldn't last long but I saw a nice apartment listed a few streets over, I applied and got accepted right away, moved in two weeks later.

They broke up 3 or so months later and this guy had the gall to ask me to move back in when my lease is up, lolno. I want to feel welcome in my own home, not like I'm going to get asked to move out every time you bring a girl home.

Not a really crazy story, just so many people I've lived with seem to have no regard for those they share their space with.

 

[The Emperor Skeksis]

My past housemates were just annoying in the normal ways. But there was one guy, one fucking guy, Victor, who was incapable of locking the toilet door. I have seen that man's dick and ass so many times I lost count and it was awkward every time.

And just typing this out I realise it might have been his fetish. Whelp.

 

[Fungible penis]

The /badroommates subreddit is entertaining, if only for 'There but for the grace of God common fucking sense go I' and/or reading about bad things happening to bad people.