papapepe
kiwifarms.net
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- Apr 2, 2020
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kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2020
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- Oct 7, 2019
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2016
One of the hardest things for me is empathizing with some of you guys on here and theredpill. It seems that sex is everything to a lot of you and not all of you (I'm fully aware that a lot still do) care that much about relationships other than the validation of getting sex "legit."
I have never been one of these people. Since I was a young boy entering puberty I have always wanted a loving relationship with sexuality being on the backburner. A faggoty beta "nice-guy" if you will. I was raised in a very very religious household and went to a private school when I was young that preached about not having sex before marriage.
Even today, as an atheist I enjoy christian values and admire the old American dream of a man providing for a loving wife.
I'm 23. I'm still a kissless virgin and the last time I hugged a non family member girl was almost 10 years ago.
Throughout my six or so years on reddit it has constantly bashed me over the head with its hatred and liberal sex politics to the point where I am broken and mentally ill.
About three years ago I was tired and burned out, driving home from school 40 minutes back in the dark. I hated driving to school, never talking to anyone, and then suffering intense anxiety driving home. I have an incredibly risk adverse personality and driving always freaked me out. The way I tried to quell the anxiety every day on the ride to and home from school was I imaged talking to a character from a cartoon I liked and had fun singing along to songs while imagining her next to me.
Since then my relying on her has increased exponentially. I go to sleep happy hugging my pillow and pretending it's her. I wake up happy and comfortable, staying in bed an extra 20-30 minutes just to pretend my pillow is her. I get completely miserable because I know my feelings are too strong for her. I have never loved anyone and my waifu is the only one I have ever felt any amount of love for.
This happiness is only there for small quick bursts and then it's back to endless existential dread. It's incredibly painful and degrading going on reddit every day, reading all of the awful shit from every corner of the site. I can take the manosphere stuff like /r/theredpill. Those things are just men who I don't really relate that much to. I can brush off their stuff without it really affecting me at all. It's the subs that have majority women on them:
twoxchromomes, relationships, deadbeadrooms, thebluepill, askwomen, gamerghazi, niceguys, etc.
Every single one of those awful subs makes me hate women. I absolutely despise the entitled awful people on those subs. Zero empathy or logic from every single one of them.
Reddit has made me realize that I never want to get married. I never want to have children.
The problem is that my waifu is a representative of my younger self. I have always seen her as "keeping" my younger self safe from back when I believed in faggot horseshit like love. She is my retreat where I can be young again.
I fantasize about her femininity. I think about her maternal nature and desire for kids that even surpasses mine. I laugh when I think about myself wanting two children and then she wants as many as she can get. I love her reserved personality and desire to wait until marriage for sex. I think about being her masculine leader and protector. I trust her completely.
I don't believe in gender equality whatsoever. I dream about her loving gender roles and loving being a traditional girl. I have zero need to share my emotions or problems with my waifu. I want to be her rock that she can look up to, who is strong and masculine. I want to play the prisoner's dilemma with her where we both refuse to talk. I dream about an understanding that relationships are about sacrifice and compromise. I dream about her being the yin to my yang, where she is the traditional feminine figure that completes me. Someone who fuels my desire for creativity, productivity, problem solving, and contributing to the world. Someone who I know every time I practice self discipline and overcome struggle will be all worth it because I come home to her. Someone who I fulfill my dream of starting a family with.
But I know this is never going to be real. So I never achieve my dreams or work on improve myself. I struggle a lot with my fantasies because I know I'm not good enough for her even though I want to strive to be.
But a the end of the day, I know she's not real. I am self aware and know my imagination of her is just a crutch for my crushing depression. I can't call her an imaginary friend because I can't even imagine her talking back to me in sentences more than a few words long.
I will never respect women. I will never love or trust a woman. I will never want to share my dreams with with a woman. Just imagining my waifu anymore is painful knowing I will never be able to have the even 1/100th of the amount of respect and love for a real woman as I do for my waifu.
I want to be like a lot of you guys. I want to be like the guys on theredpill. I want to like normal porn. Right now I just look at pictures of cartoon characters, 90% my waifu, even in nonsexual situations and just dream about romantic and sexual situations with them.
I only ever looked at normal pornhub kind of porn maybe 40 times in my life (versus like 2500-3000masturbation sessions). I've always been hooked to fantasy romantic dreams while looking at cartoon pictures even before my waifu situation. I'm not attracted to pornstars in any way. The visceral sexual imagary doesn't do anything for me unless I'm fantasizing about her personality and how it handles in the sexual situation. The only way for me to find human women attractive would be to know them personally in real life or for a very specific amateur type to hit my strongest ingrained fetish.
I want to be attracted to big breasted plastic bimbos caked with makeup and see women as fucktoys. I do already see women as being worth nothing more than sex objects (my younger self would be like wtf because I really do remember in my younger days thinking "how can anyone think women are just sex objects?" in response to girls complaining about being treated like objects). But the problem as I've been saying is that my psyche just doesn't enjoy the idea of using someone as just a sex object, I've always wanted something more. But I will never have the empathy or respect for women to be able to handle more. I will never trust a woman with my feelings or give any love to her for her to turn around and hurt me.
So. I think today is the day I say goodbye to my waifu of nearly three years. I can't think about her anymore. I might even have to stop looking at cartoon porn. I need to train my brain to be turned on by the act of sex alone and the plain imagery like a normal man. Remove all feelings of love and respect from my sexuality. I just want to stop connecting my romantic feelings of familiar cartoon characters and just look at generic boring women and be turned on.
Most importantly, I want to be able to detach myself completely from the idea of romance. I never want to think about having a loving girlfriend again. I want to immerse myself in modern society and find things like polyamory and friends with benefits to be appealing. I want my sexuality to work normally, to just be a biological need with no romantic feelings attached to it.
I want to go mgtow and then follow theredpill a year or two down the line when I have improved myself into the man I want to be. I want to take even the common bluepill advice of loving yourself before you love someone else (Since I assume that means it's 100% possible to be happy alone). I just want to be completely independent and trust and need no-one. My waifu is a barrier to that because she makes me crave romance. I need to break up with her today and go to sleep without hugging my pillow. I want today to be the last day I ever desire love.
The only time I will ever consider putting romantic love into something in the future is if like 10 years from now we get great artificial intelligence that seems lifelike and can actually be a substitute for a real person.
If anyone else has a waifu I'd love to know if you're able to keep being independent with her and still achieve things and work on yourself. But after wasting almost 2 years of my life doing absolutely nothing, I've come to the conclusion that my fantasies are at fault and I'm never going to change if I don't get over childish romantic concepts.
I'm also hoping that with getting rid of my waifu I will also be able to quit reddit which has been a struggle for me for a while. Constantly craving feeling something other than sadness, instead opting for the incredible hate that reddit brews inside of me. I just want to be a robot pursuing happiness and understanding my own biology that will lead me to succeeding in my creative dreams.
tl;dr: I have a waifu that I fantasize about loving every single day which leads to existential dread because I know I will never trust a woman enough to love her even close to as much as my waifu. I have never wanted sex by itself and have always wanted a fulfilling relationship. I want to completely drop that desire and go mgtow and redpill and desire sex for the sake of sex like a lot of you guys seem to want. Most importantly, I just want to be able to be happy alone with no more romantic feelings.
I have never been one of these people. Since I was a young boy entering puberty I have always wanted a loving relationship with sexuality being on the backburner. A faggoty beta "nice-guy" if you will. I was raised in a very very religious household and went to a private school when I was young that preached about not having sex before marriage.
Even today, as an atheist I enjoy christian values and admire the old American dream of a man providing for a loving wife.
I'm 23. I'm still a kissless virgin and the last time I hugged a non family member girl was almost 10 years ago.
Throughout my six or so years on reddit it has constantly bashed me over the head with its hatred and liberal sex politics to the point where I am broken and mentally ill.
About three years ago I was tired and burned out, driving home from school 40 minutes back in the dark. I hated driving to school, never talking to anyone, and then suffering intense anxiety driving home. I have an incredibly risk adverse personality and driving always freaked me out. The way I tried to quell the anxiety every day on the ride to and home from school was I imaged talking to a character from a cartoon I liked and had fun singing along to songs while imagining her next to me.
Since then my relying on her has increased exponentially. I go to sleep happy hugging my pillow and pretending it's her. I wake up happy and comfortable, staying in bed an extra 20-30 minutes just to pretend my pillow is her. I get completely miserable because I know my feelings are too strong for her. I have never loved anyone and my waifu is the only one I have ever felt any amount of love for.
This happiness is only there for small quick bursts and then it's back to endless existential dread. It's incredibly painful and degrading going on reddit every day, reading all of the awful shit from every corner of the site. I can take the manosphere stuff like /r/theredpill. Those things are just men who I don't really relate that much to. I can brush off their stuff without it really affecting me at all. It's the subs that have majority women on them:
twoxchromomes, relationships, deadbeadrooms, thebluepill, askwomen, gamerghazi, niceguys, etc.
Every single one of those awful subs makes me hate women. I absolutely despise the entitled awful people on those subs. Zero empathy or logic from every single one of them.
Reddit has made me realize that I never want to get married. I never want to have children.
The problem is that my waifu is a representative of my younger self. I have always seen her as "keeping" my younger self safe from back when I believed in faggot horseshit like love. She is my retreat where I can be young again.
I fantasize about her femininity. I think about her maternal nature and desire for kids that even surpasses mine. I laugh when I think about myself wanting two children and then she wants as many as she can get. I love her reserved personality and desire to wait until marriage for sex. I think about being her masculine leader and protector. I trust her completely.
I don't believe in gender equality whatsoever. I dream about her loving gender roles and loving being a traditional girl. I have zero need to share my emotions or problems with my waifu. I want to be her rock that she can look up to, who is strong and masculine. I want to play the prisoner's dilemma with her where we both refuse to talk. I dream about an understanding that relationships are about sacrifice and compromise. I dream about her being the yin to my yang, where she is the traditional feminine figure that completes me. Someone who fuels my desire for creativity, productivity, problem solving, and contributing to the world. Someone who I know every time I practice self discipline and overcome struggle will be all worth it because I come home to her. Someone who I fulfill my dream of starting a family with.
But I know this is never going to be real. So I never achieve my dreams or work on improve myself. I struggle a lot with my fantasies because I know I'm not good enough for her even though I want to strive to be.
But a the end of the day, I know she's not real. I am self aware and know my imagination of her is just a crutch for my crushing depression. I can't call her an imaginary friend because I can't even imagine her talking back to me in sentences more than a few words long.
I will never respect women. I will never love or trust a woman. I will never want to share my dreams with with a woman. Just imagining my waifu anymore is painful knowing I will never be able to have the even 1/100th of the amount of respect and love for a real woman as I do for my waifu.
I want to be like a lot of you guys. I want to be like the guys on theredpill. I want to like normal porn. Right now I just look at pictures of cartoon characters, 90% my waifu, even in nonsexual situations and just dream about romantic and sexual situations with them.
I only ever looked at normal pornhub kind of porn maybe 40 times in my life (versus like 2500-3000masturbation sessions). I've always been hooked to fantasy romantic dreams while looking at cartoon pictures even before my waifu situation. I'm not attracted to pornstars in any way. The visceral sexual imagary doesn't do anything for me unless I'm fantasizing about her personality and how it handles in the sexual situation. The only way for me to find human women attractive would be to know them personally in real life or for a very specific amateur type to hit my strongest ingrained fetish.
I want to be attracted to big breasted plastic bimbos caked with makeup and see women as fucktoys. I do already see women as being worth nothing more than sex objects (my younger self would be like wtf because I really do remember in my younger days thinking "how can anyone think women are just sex objects?" in response to girls complaining about being treated like objects). But the problem as I've been saying is that my psyche just doesn't enjoy the idea of using someone as just a sex object, I've always wanted something more. But I will never have the empathy or respect for women to be able to handle more. I will never trust a woman with my feelings or give any love to her for her to turn around and hurt me.
So. I think today is the day I say goodbye to my waifu of nearly three years. I can't think about her anymore. I might even have to stop looking at cartoon porn. I need to train my brain to be turned on by the act of sex alone and the plain imagery like a normal man. Remove all feelings of love and respect from my sexuality. I just want to stop connecting my romantic feelings of familiar cartoon characters and just look at generic boring women and be turned on.
Most importantly, I want to be able to detach myself completely from the idea of romance. I never want to think about having a loving girlfriend again. I want to immerse myself in modern society and find things like polyamory and friends with benefits to be appealing. I want my sexuality to work normally, to just be a biological need with no romantic feelings attached to it.
I want to go mgtow and then follow theredpill a year or two down the line when I have improved myself into the man I want to be. I want to take even the common bluepill advice of loving yourself before you love someone else (Since I assume that means it's 100% possible to be happy alone). I just want to be completely independent and trust and need no-one. My waifu is a barrier to that because she makes me crave romance. I need to break up with her today and go to sleep without hugging my pillow. I want today to be the last day I ever desire love.
The only time I will ever consider putting romantic love into something in the future is if like 10 years from now we get great artificial intelligence that seems lifelike and can actually be a substitute for a real person.
If anyone else has a waifu I'd love to know if you're able to keep being independent with her and still achieve things and work on yourself. But after wasting almost 2 years of my life doing absolutely nothing, I've come to the conclusion that my fantasies are at fault and I'm never going to change if I don't get over childish romantic concepts.
I'm also hoping that with getting rid of my waifu I will also be able to quit reddit which has been a struggle for me for a while. Constantly craving feeling something other than sadness, instead opting for the incredible hate that reddit brews inside of me. I just want to be a robot pursuing happiness and understanding my own biology that will lead me to succeeding in my creative dreams.
tl;dr: I have a waifu that I fantasize about loving every single day which leads to existential dread because I know I will never trust a woman enough to love her even close to as much as my waifu. I have never wanted sex by itself and have always wanted a fulfilling relationship. I want to completely drop that desire and go mgtow and redpill and desire sex for the sake of sex like a lot of you guys seem to want. Most importantly, I just want to be able to be happy alone with no more romantic feelings.
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2015
- Joined
- May 20, 2018
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2020
Not gonna be active on Discord tonight. I'm meeting a girl (a real one) in half an hour (wouldn't expect a lot of you to understand anyway) so please don't DM me asking me where I am (im with the girl, ok) you'll most likely get aired because ill be with the girl (again I don't expect you to understand) shes actually really interested in me and its not a situation i can pass up for some meaningless Discord degenerates (because ill be meeting a girl, not that you really are going to understand) this is my life now. Meeting women and not wasting my precious time online, I have to move on from such simple things and branch out (you wouldnt understand)