I Failed At Life

[Saddam Hussain Obama]

I just got done crying into my pillow and figured I should vent sorry if your used to my normal posting I'm gonna vent my struggles do be warned

So I was thinking about stuff and I inevitably started thinking about my unaddressed trauma and there's a lot to go through but I was thinking about how much it effects my life I constantly feel alone and abandoned like I'm on a desert island even though I'm around my mom it's like I can't talk to her

And that led to me thinking about my last mental breakdown so incase you can't tell I'm hyper religious and I'm deeply afraid of dying and I would see in the news stuff about death and panic and feel like I'm dying I basically had this breakdown where I admitted the time I tried to kill myself by pointing a shotgun to my Head my dad told me she was worried I was gonna kill myself

So this leads to me thinking about the guilt I have surrounding my trauma I feel like if I open up I'm only hurting others this is what happened originally so to take you back to my origins when I was young I've always been kinda weird I made toys out of taped together paper I would collect rocks I've always been kinda off or some may call autistic but for most my life I've had a rep as a sort of happy fellow

This changed when I was 13 I dreamed of playing basketball it was my life constantly everyday sports every game I played sports every video I watched sports so one day I told my mom of my aspirations expecting her to be kind and to maybe help me because I'm homeschooled so I did not get to play outside of youth camp but what I got instead of the welcoming and kind reaction I expected I got a very mean hostile reaction I even told her about NBA draft stock and she laughed in my face this crushed me

All of my hopes and dreams were shattered this was the first time in my life I've ever been depressed I used to be skinny from playing sports but I started binging sodas and whatever food I could find I gained at least 50 pounds I lost all of my will to live and on top of this my mom forced me to play ping pong a sport I hated and I became a shell of myself the once happy go lucky kid became a bitter angry fatso

I became frustrated with every aspect of life I grew sick of anything sports related I would make mistakes all the time something as simple as spilling a bag of chips this did not help with my brother reminding me of my failures and how I know sucked as at basketball and how I had one job and failed at it this crushed me my life felt over

So during this time I considered suicide I started cutting myself i would often make use of the family nail trimmer to cut myself one time my mom jokingly asked what's that cut are you like those weirdo kids I almost burst into tears but said no I somehow fooled her that day

Fast forward and I had a breakdown and confessed all this to my mom a day before my cousins birthday party and instead of welcome I got guilt I was guilted for making a scene out of this she said she did everything for me and that it's my fault I'm hurt over this once again telling me I have to feel guilty about my trauma

My trauma reaps into almost every aspect of my life when I was a kid I asked for a buzz light year toy only for her to scream her head off at me about it making me cry onetime I asked for a bell for my bike and she screamed her head off at me this one hurt pretty bad because not too long ago I walked by the bikes in Walmart only to have a flashback to that day and I almost had a panic attack

Even now I'm afraid to ask for gifts because I might get screamed at and anytime I try to open up about this I feel an overbearing guilt knowing I'm hurting my family and embarrassing myself by revealing my trauma and what makes it worse is I know they are disappointed in their failure of a son

I was often mocked for not shaking hands or hugging because of my shyness often mocked for not looking people in the eyes because it almost brings me to tears then one of my most traumatic memories that still haunts me to this day the new years incident

My mom would always fight my dad on new years onetime she threw a knife and almost stabbed my dad and the worst one she broke a flower pot and my brother loudly screamed im gonna kill myself I burst into tiers thinking of this but I know the sad truth of my life

Im a failure everyone secretly or not so secretly Hates if my parents could they would pick a nice kid without issues over this pathetic mentally ill freak failure of a son they got instead after one of my breakdowns my dad while nice I can tell he was letdown by my stupidity he knows he failed as a father and called me a pussy somewhat rightfully so I'm weak I'm a failure and I failed at everything from basketball to ping pong to shitposting on a forum

Sorry to waste your time that's my life

 

[Quartermaster]

Even a shitty life where everyone hates you and you suck at everything is better than the nothing you get when you kys.

 

[I'm Not Racist Anymore]

Hapas be like

 

[Geddy Lee's Fee and See]

*snip*

You seem rather young. Just remember that you have plenty of time to change as a person for the better. Tomorrow's a new day, so as long as you are alive just remember that despite all the trauma you clearly went and are going through, there's still hope for a better future.

 

[Troonos]

RIP OP.

 

[Day Walker]

You said you’re religious, call your pastor, priest or whatever and tell them you need someone to talk to. They will probably be happy to meet and talk with you. You aren’t being a burden by doing this it’s part of their job.

 

[Inside your walls]

I could tell given you keep pumping out retarded Q&As

 

[CAPTAIN HAPPY]

Most don't live up to be the people they hoped to become.
Stop being a sorry sap, get your shit together. Learn some breathing techniques.

 

[Evil Sean Connery]

Man I didnt fuckin read all that but here's this: the distance between where you wanna be and where you are now is not vertical distance, where you gotta be fuckin Magnus Midtbø to even hope of getting there. It's just horizontal distance that gets a bit hilly, perhaps muddy as well. You'll get there if you just keep joggin', man. Or walk even. And if you gotta just stop and sit that's alright too. But for god's sake don't go goin' backwards.

 

[glow]

I used to be a total fucking loser also, and I felt very sorry for myself, for my plight, for how shy/fat/poor I was, how I didn't have any qualifications and how deeply disappointed my parents were and so on. I genuinely thought about ending it too because it all seemed so hopeless, the struggle too hard, and I look back on those days compared to how I live now, fit, healthy, with a good job, community, loving wife and family, and how all this could never have happened if I just chose to give up like the fucking retarded pussy I was back then.

In terms of practical advice: work out. This is where it started for me. It doesn't matter what you do, just stress your body a bit and try to do it a bit better tomorrow.

Finally, nobody is coming to save you. You need to do it yourself.

 

[Vibe_Guy]

Your family life is plaqued by toxicity and immaturity, the good news is it's not the end of the line for you. You didn't choose your family, you didn't choose to have emotionally unavailable and abusive parents. THEY failed YOU! You didn't fail them. Remember that.

I do not know where you live, but even in my shithole there are volunteer psychologist groups willing to help, instead of paying you'll have to wait your turn, which isn't ideal, but I encourage atleast looking into the possibility of attending a consultation.
Call a suicide hotline, explain your situation and they'll point you to free or affordable resources in your area.
Or at the very least, go to your local church and talk to a pastor/kind stranger.

One poster mentioned exercise, which I second the notion. You've been into basketball, which means you probably trained before. Instead of training like you used to, do small things, 10-20 push ups/sit ups etc. Not every day. Even once a week is a victory.

I have no doubts your mental state is due to circumstances out of your control, when you we're a child you didn't have the power you have as an adult. I wish you find it in yourself to work on your interpersonal knowledge and expand your social circle to people who will actually support you.

Wish you the best OP.

 

[glow]

Not every day. Even once a week is a victory.

Once a week isn't enough. That's only 52 times in a year. Take 20-30 minutes minimum to respect yourself every day. Do the work and don't be a pussy.

Also, OP, stop saying "I failed". You are currently failing, but you are not beyond redemption and you can pull yourself back from being a worthless proto-incel.

 

[Vulkan]

I'm sure tons of bad people would be happy to see you dead, if you cant live for yourself, live to spite them

 

[WTBOnlineFather]

That sucks bro. I feel a bit bad for laughing at you now.
You still sound underage though, and if you're using this forum to distract yourself from suffering, you should stop. Go play videogames or something at least.

 

[Named User]

20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. (‭‭‭Genesis‬ ‭50‬‬:‭20‬ ‭KJV‬‬)

Just take it one step at a time. Just as you were a happy kid before but not anymore, your depression will also go away at some point. People have trialing periods in their lives.

What does your ideal future look like? Do you have dreams? Take the first step to start actualizing it. You have nothing to lose.

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

You've only failed at life so far; it can get worse.

 

[The Skeksis Emperor]

My fren I feel for you because I'm also going through some stuff this year. But you cannot let yourself drown in your emotions or you will never get out of it.

Humans are good at pattern thinking and that can sabotage us. You seem to have some old trauma and there is no need to be ashamed of that. At the same time, you cannot let it influence your future. It happened, but that does not mean it will happen again. It also does not mean that you are helpless if it happens again - the situation has changed, you are older now, you can choose different actions and reactions. You may have been helpless before, but you are not helpless now. Kiwis are already giving you suggestions for things that you can do to help yourself going forward. Hold onto that when you panic: the past is over and now is now. Now is a clean slate for you.

I feel an overbearing guilt knowing I'm hurting my family and embarrassing myself by revealing my trauma and what makes it worse is I know they are disappointed in their failure of a son

From what you are saying your family sounds unsupportive and messed up. This is the case for many people and it sucks, but part of maturing is realising parents/brothers aren't perfect and they certainly aren't always right about you. You are not responsible for their feelings about your or about anything. You are responsible for your emotions and they are responsible for theirs.
You need to separate yourself from them more (not necessarily physically but emotionally and mentally) because they should not be influencing your state of mind so much. You can love them and also protect your own state of mind at the same time. This is not easy but try.

Try to analyse what you feel and fear objectively. Is it true. Is it really true? Or are you just imagining worst case scenario's and putting yourself down?

Watch and do this every day (it's not just for anger, it for getting rid of old stress and emotions and it works).

And start doing something for yourself. Anything. Exercise, a hobby, a job, just taking walks.

 

[Cedric_Eff]

I mean a vast majority of humans fail. Unless you really really fuck up, it's not the end man. Lord knows how many things an average human would want to do differently.

 

[Evil Sean Connery]

I went back to read your post.

Spoiler: Words words words

Your mind is an unbelievably powerful thing. For a couple million years the animals we call people were roving around slaughtering and raping each other for any silly thing, mostly pussy. Countless billions of brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers and daughters and sons smashed under fist and stone and yet more billions beared witness over and over again with no recourse but to inflict the same on their aggressors if they were so lucky. And if they weren't, nature and her big hungry furry friends and her icy breath would do far worse. Most of the time they just... and don't get too whipped up about this word..
...coped with all this.
It's one of the shiniest jewels in the crown of clown world that this word has turned into a slur. For all you really know, you are a brain in a jar experiencing some weird degenerate's dreamworld. On account of this you are free to cope with any struggle in your life, big or small, in whatever sane or insane manner you like. Any conditions to this statement just came to you from this unprovable thing called a "world" you happen to exist in by complete accident. You owe it nothing other than whatever you're willing to give to it in exchange for the relief of pain. And from the sounds of things, you've endured quite a lot of pain until now.
I'd like to commend you for that. If life is hard grueling pain, then its opposite, death, must be easy and painless. You still chose life in all of your days. It takes a certain sort of person to make that choice, but it's in your blood to do so, so I'm not surprised.
I also have news: there will be more pain. You probably know that.
Your concerns are likely this: you aren't where you want to be, and you are in a lot of pain. This is a tricky combination. The first problem is straightforward. You're a man, so you have reason, so you can probably figure out a reasonable way to close the distance between where you are and where you want to be. But pain fucks up your reasoning. If you're in a prison cell, and the guard says, "I'll let you free if you hold the key to your freedom for 30 seconds," that's a pretty simple path. Buf if the guard then hands you a white hot metal key, it becomes not so simple.

There's some combination of becoming more pain tolerant and eliminating sources of pain to be found that will carry you for the rest of your life. This is very, very hard. If it wasn't, the self-help industry would not be worth billions of dollars. You will struggle with this endlessly. I struggle with this endlessly. Everyone in this thread struggles with this endlessly. Anyone pretending they don't deserves a thread here out of principle if not for their outright faggotry that kind of person never fails to flaunt. In between the pointless shitflinging and taunting, there will be good tips about both increasing pain resistance and eliminating sources of pain, so I won't bother going into those topics since this autism has gone on long enough. Try them all. Again, you are completely free to do so in whatever sane or insane manner you choose. Goon for 15 hours? Go for it. Ice cold showers and shrigma juice? Hell yeah. Heroin? I'll join you. Lifting? You got it sweaty. Your life will revolve around trying and failing these various things, gradually getting better at them, and enjoying whatever precious respite you earn. Your chances at this are better than they appear right now.
No matter how it goes, though, there will be sweet, gentle, eternal quiet and peace waiting for you at the end of it, better than the kind you had before you came into this place in the way your bed is softer and warmer at night than in the morning.
Best of luck Saddam Hussein Obama. You deserve a friend and I hope you find one.

 

[SSj_Ness (Yiffed)]

Not to diminish your issues, but basically you're fat and have a dysfunctional family? Easier said than done, but lose weight and start your own family then.