I need to go to sleep, tell me a bedtime story.

[Daddy's Angry Juice]

Tell me of the waters of your home.

 

[Eddie Riggs]

You were killed by furries.

The end

 

[Absolute-Despair]

Once upon a time there was an boy who was naughty, his mother said if you continue to be naughty the scissor man will come and cut off your thumbs, he was still naughty so the scissor man cut off both his thumbs and now he has no thumbs.

The End

 

[TheRetardKing]

 

[Day Walker]

 

[Bloitzhole]

Once upon a time there was an boy who was naughty, his mother said if you continue to be naughty the scissor man will come and cut off your thumbs, he was still naughty so the scissor man cut off both his thumbs and now he has no thumbs.

The End

Side Note: This is an actual story from a German classic collection of tales with which to raise children into responsible adulthood. It is accompanied by illustrations to ensure the child need not tax their imagination - "Struwelpeter". A boy is told not to suck his thumb while mom is out, or the tailor will come to cut them off. He does so anyway.
Queue:

 

[Hellwalker]

Once upon a time, the Americas brought niggers over to work, and then we thought they were more than slaves and started treating them like people which made America worse for all eternity. Enjoy the Nightmares

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

Once there was a little boy named Daddy's Angry Juice. DAJ didn't want to go to bed because he wasn't sleepy. Then all of a suddenly the phone rang. "Stop sleeping with my daughter," the voice on the phone said. "But I'm not asleep," DAJ said.

Then DAJ and his pet ferret went out to the woods where they met a sausage. The sausage told them it was his job to jump in the pot of broth and give it flavor for his friends the bird and the mouse. Then they walked away.

Later that afternoon they came upon a tall, tall tower with a single window. A fair maiden was in the window singing a beautiful song. Wet Ass Pussy by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. DAJ hollered at the maiden, "Yo, bitch. Let down your hair so I can climb up and fuck you" but the maiden didn't hear him because she had her air pods in her ears. She didn't pay attention to the warnings and was listening to her music too loud and it damaged her hearing.

By this time DAJ was getting mighty tired of all this walking around in the enchanted forest so he decided to go back home. Alas! All the bread crumbs he had put down to mark his way had been gobbled up by various woodland creatures! DAJ didn't fret, however. He pulled out his smartphone and used Google Maps to find the most bestest way back home.

When DAJ got back to his cottage he found his mother wringing her hands and crying. "Oh, Daddy's Angry Juice, I thought you were lost forever," she lamented.

Then they kissed each other full on the lips and "soul bonded" three times in various positions not authorized by the Bible.

Well this finally tuckered out ole DAJ and he curled up into his basket by the hearth and fell asleep, perchance to dream.

The end.

 

[Daddy's Angry Juice]

Once there was a little boy named Daddy's Angry Juice. DAJ didn't want to go to bed because he wasn't sleepy. Then all of a suddenly the phone rang. "Stop sleeping with my daughter," the voice on the phone said. "But I'm not asleep," DAJ said.

Then DAJ and his pet ferret went out to the woods where they met a sausage. The sausage told them it was his job to jump in the pot of broth and give it flavor for his friends the bird and the mouse. Then they walked away.

Later that afternoon they came upon a tall, tall tower with a single window. A fair maiden was in the window singing a beautiful song. Wet Ass Pussy by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. DAJ hollered at the maiden, "Yo, bitch. Let down your hair so I can climb up and fuck you" but the maiden didn't hear him because she had her air pods in her ears. She didn't pay attention to the warnings and was listening to her music too loud and it damaged her hearing.

By this time DAJ was getting mighty tired of all this walking around in the enchanted forest so he decided to go back home. Alas! All the bread crumbs he had put down to mark his way had been gobbled up by various woodland creatures! DAJ didn't fret, however. He pulled out his smartphone and used Google Maps to find the most bestest way back home.

When DAJ got back to his cottage he found his mother wringing her hands and crying. "Oh, Daddy's Angry Juice, I thought you were lost forever," she lamented.

Then they kissed each other full on the lips and "soul bonded" three times in various positions not authorized by the Bible.

Well this finally tuckered out ole DAJ and he curled up into his basket by the hearth and fell asleep, perchance to dream.

The end.

Fun fact: I actually used to own ferrets, they're stinky little spazes, the rest of the story I will neither confirm or deny as is my fifth amendment right.

 

[THE SUPREME ONION]

one day a little kid called his mom to check under the bed saying there was mosnter under it
the mom got under the bed but then tehre was a mirror and then the mom realized she was the monster all along then she hugged her kid and promised to feed him more after that day
please give me feels stickers

 

[Ignatius von Cistern]

I think there should be a third option in your poll, because why settle for just one thing, when you want it all?

As for a bedtime story. Parallel worlds with things almost exactly the same as in ours are not possible, evolution for one thing being a random process. A parallel evolutionary chain from say RNA to Homo Sapiens would take an entirely different course. Now say this process took an infinite number of random courses and there IS a parallel universe where everything is almost the same as ours chancing upon a portal into it, to see it is infinitely small and next to impossible...except. We now know the universe is probably not infinite, due to fun things like the Planck Constant, which implies that there is a limit to how small things can be, ie the singularity from which the Big Bang comes from, meaning a finite number of parallel universes was possible to have emerged from this event. BTW, if there is such a thing as the smallest circle in the universe, that means the value of PI is finite to some crazy large position after the decimal point. To quote Homer Simpson: what is a Mind? It doesn't matter. What is Matter? Never mind. Sweet dreams fella.

 

[Trump's Chosen]

This one time my girlfriend told me she had to confess a secret to me. She was hemming and ha-ing and asked me to promise to not be mad. I promised, but knew it was one of those promises you might not keep ya know? She told me she had been born as a boy. My mind started racing. This was before the whole caitlyn jenner making trans stuff national news, so I didn't have much to work with. She... no He... looked really insecure and vulnerable. I may be the first person he was telling besides parents. It kinda fit why he was into all this boyish activities and good at sports, and the kind of broad shoulders. But we'd been to bed together. We were in bed right now. I don't want to be with a guy. Or even an ex-guy. But if I say something insensitive I might scar him for a long time. What could I say. What should I say?

She laughed at me so hard and so long.

 

[lIllllIiiiiLLLLiiiiIIIIll]

When you were young and your life was an open book, you used to say "live and let live" (you know you did, you know you did, you know you did).

But if this everchanging world in which we live in makes you give up and cry... Then say "live and let die."

==
Is that a bedtime story?

 

[YellowIsACoolColor]

Once upon a time there was a black man strung out on fentanyl who tried to buy a banana with a counterfeit 20 dollar bill. When he was detained by the police he began to experience heart failure due to the fentanyl and died shortly after. The police were blamed for his death and it caused many black people to start looting and rioting as well as setting businesses on fire. The end

 

[Daddy's Angry Juice]

When you were young and your life was an open book, you used to say "live and let live" (you know you did, you know you did, you know you did).

But if this everchanging world in which we live in makes you give up and cry... Then say "live and let die."

==
Is that a bedtime story?

No, but it is a good James Bond song

 

[Ignatius von Cistern]

When you were young and your life was an open book, you used to say "live and let live" (you know you did, you know you did, you know you did).

But if this everchanging world in which we live in makes you give up and cry... Then say "live and let die."

==
Is that a bedtime story?

Motherfucker, you now have Purple Rain by Prince on endless rotation inside your head.