- Joined
- Dec 20, 2018
We take classic movies/shows/plays/radio dramas and what have you and try to guess how people would twist it to fit today's culture and standards. I.E. we date the shit out of them.
The live action Dumbo remake is a golden example of just this, except a real thing.
The live action Dumbo remake is a golden example of just this, except a real thing.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory made today would be about a millionaire white male chocolate and candymaker stepping down as the CEO of his world-famous company due to being cancelled for an audio recording from decades ago surfacing of him cat-calling female staff members and making crude jokes at the expense of gays and transgenders. In a last ditch effort to save his legacy factory, and maybe his disgraced name, he sets out on making a young minority child his successor through putting 5 golden tickets in random bars of his famous chocolate bars and inviting them to visit the factory.
Violet will now be a black civil rights activist and environmentalist from London, England. She would be a valedictorian of a prestigious boarding school with multiple awards for her activism and her minority status and already has a full ride to Oxford. Violet has written many New York Times bestselling books about the racial discrimination of blacks and native peoples in America, despite not being American herself, and has attended every possible protest and rally related to the environment since birth with the help of her well-off parents, who also share her passion for social justice and environmentalism (wink wink, nudge nudge). She also has a huge following on instagram and twitter where she mostly post selfies.
Augustus will now be an morbidly obese Brazilian with dark curly hair and mocha colored skin who's under the care of his deeply religious mother, who isn't too far off from his son size wise. His mother owns a restaurant in the impoverished part of Rio de Janeiro and deeply loves his son so she gives him everything he wants, which is always food. She also makes a point to people who criticize her son's weight that her son is a healthy growing boy that many girls find attractive. He speaks no english, so his mother translates for him while on the tour. He also rides in a motorized wheelchair during the tour, not because he can't walk, but because it's to tiring for him to be standing longer than 5 minutes.
Veruca is the curly red-headed daughter of a jewish politician and billionaire in Frankfurt, Germany. She is very prude and quick to anger, enough to even make her father, who may or may not be involved in organized crime and corruption, fear her enough to give in to every little thing she desires the moment she wants it. She has thousands of designer clothes and shoes, multiple versions of the same iphone the moment it's released, laptops and ipads and other fancy gadgets lined with gold and silver, diamond watches she never wears or needs, a zoo of exotic animals for pets, million dollar cars she can't yet drive, an army of professional servants at her side 24/7, and even three decked-out smart houses (
) of her own. Being the daughter of a possibly corrupt politician, she gets all the bills she wants to become law and she has all the candidates she likes get elected, regardless of where in the world these elections and decisions take place. She does not really look into the politicians or laws she supports, only going by what blue checkmarks on twitter, the media, and her clique of elite friends say about it.
Mike is now a gay non-binary (they/them) 1/16th native american (to meet the minority requirement) from Queens, New York who is obsessed with computers and video games. They have a twitch and youtube channel under the username teaveeTV which both have a fairly sizable following where they post clickbaity videos following the current trends and stream the newest and most popular games, all while trying way too hard to be funny by shoehorning the latest memes to the point of ruining them and screaming at everything. They go to all the videogame and youtuber cons with their streamerbucks and vlogs about it on their second youtube channel, teaveeTV2. Right before the events of this woke Willy Wonka remake, it was this channel where they come out as a furry in a long drawn out video about how his parents did not approve when they came out to them earlier in the day and rants about insensitivity with tears in their eyes. They also have a third youtube channel, teaveeTech, where they make more scripted and better edited videos about computer parts and software where they show off their true passion (think LGR). This channel, however, only has about 1,000 subscribers.
And finally, Charlie is an asian boy from downtown Los Angeles. Every day he goes to school located in inner-city LA and gets bullied for not being thugish despite his families poverty and seen as soft and a goodie two-shoe pushover. He is instead an honest, quiet, and hardworking young man that absorbs everything his black teacher has to teach him, whether that's the daily lesson or life lessons coming from her being a single mother who don't need no man. He then goes to his job, despite child labor laws, and works as a coffee bringer and general runner and order taker for a marketing corporation, Slugworth INC. He is overworked by the constant demands for coffee and printer ink, but gets paid little to nothing due to the illegality of his position. He tries his very best anyway to make every dollar he can get for his family. After many long hours, he returns home to his small apartment building and is greeted by his strong feminist mother who takes care of the house and Charlie's bedridden grandparents. After having some family time and dinner, Charlie then does some homework and studies, then goes off to bed to repeat the cycle the next day.
I'd go on, but this is already really long and I'm running out of ideas.
Violet will now be a black civil rights activist and environmentalist from London, England. She would be a valedictorian of a prestigious boarding school with multiple awards for her activism and her minority status and already has a full ride to Oxford. Violet has written many New York Times bestselling books about the racial discrimination of blacks and native peoples in America, despite not being American herself, and has attended every possible protest and rally related to the environment since birth with the help of her well-off parents, who also share her passion for social justice and environmentalism (wink wink, nudge nudge). She also has a huge following on instagram and twitter where she mostly post selfies.
Augustus will now be an morbidly obese Brazilian with dark curly hair and mocha colored skin who's under the care of his deeply religious mother, who isn't too far off from his son size wise. His mother owns a restaurant in the impoverished part of Rio de Janeiro and deeply loves his son so she gives him everything he wants, which is always food. She also makes a point to people who criticize her son's weight that her son is a healthy growing boy that many girls find attractive. He speaks no english, so his mother translates for him while on the tour. He also rides in a motorized wheelchair during the tour, not because he can't walk, but because it's to tiring for him to be standing longer than 5 minutes.
Veruca is the curly red-headed daughter of a jewish politician and billionaire in Frankfurt, Germany. She is very prude and quick to anger, enough to even make her father, who may or may not be involved in organized crime and corruption, fear her enough to give in to every little thing she desires the moment she wants it. She has thousands of designer clothes and shoes, multiple versions of the same iphone the moment it's released, laptops and ipads and other fancy gadgets lined with gold and silver, diamond watches she never wears or needs, a zoo of exotic animals for pets, million dollar cars she can't yet drive, an army of professional servants at her side 24/7, and even three decked-out smart houses (
) of her own. Being the daughter of a possibly corrupt politician, she gets all the bills she wants to become law and she has all the candidates she likes get elected, regardless of where in the world these elections and decisions take place. She does not really look into the politicians or laws she supports, only going by what blue checkmarks on twitter, the media, and her clique of elite friends say about it.Mike is now a gay non-binary (they/them) 1/16th native american (to meet the minority requirement) from Queens, New York who is obsessed with computers and video games. They have a twitch and youtube channel under the username teaveeTV which both have a fairly sizable following where they post clickbaity videos following the current trends and stream the newest and most popular games, all while trying way too hard to be funny by shoehorning the latest memes to the point of ruining them and screaming at everything. They go to all the videogame and youtuber cons with their streamerbucks and vlogs about it on their second youtube channel, teaveeTV2. Right before the events of this woke Willy Wonka remake, it was this channel where they come out as a furry in a long drawn out video about how his parents did not approve when they came out to them earlier in the day and rants about insensitivity with tears in their eyes. They also have a third youtube channel, teaveeTech, where they make more scripted and better edited videos about computer parts and software where they show off their true passion (think LGR). This channel, however, only has about 1,000 subscribers.
And finally, Charlie is an asian boy from downtown Los Angeles. Every day he goes to school located in inner-city LA and gets bullied for not being thugish despite his families poverty and seen as soft and a goodie two-shoe pushover. He is instead an honest, quiet, and hardworking young man that absorbs everything his black teacher has to teach him, whether that's the daily lesson or life lessons coming from her being a single mother who don't need no man. He then goes to his job, despite child labor laws, and works as a coffee bringer and general runner and order taker for a marketing corporation, Slugworth INC. He is overworked by the constant demands for coffee and printer ink, but gets paid little to nothing due to the illegality of his position. He tries his very best anyway to make every dollar he can get for his family. After many long hours, he returns home to his small apartment building and is greeted by his strong feminist mother who takes care of the house and Charlie's bedridden grandparents. After having some family time and dinner, Charlie then does some homework and studies, then goes off to bed to repeat the cycle the next day.
All 5 kids make it out just fine in the end by the grace of their youth and diversity and all get to inherent the chocolate factory. Willy Wonka realizes that he is a homophobic and sexist bigot and that white males like himself should never be in positions of power and influence, so he makes a large donation to the ACLU and disappears from the public eye to self-shame for the rest of his days. Slugworth is defeated by a video of him saying the n-word going viral and is cancelled by means of force, his chase bank account being closed down and becomes blacklisted on the job market. The first world is saved yet again.
I'd go on, but this is already really long and I'm running out of ideas.
