In what point in time did it become clear to you that you are going to die someday?

Vibe_Guy

Vibe_Guy

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When I was in my teenage years my step-dad walked me home. We engaged in some small talk, then the topic of the military came up 'cuz I'm a COD kid and he's an actual soldier turned body guard (still works for the military).

We talked about cold war and he told me how if one nuclear bomb goes off, the rest will too. I didn't really understand why that was until he explained to me the domino effect. Proped him with leading questions on what we would hypothetically do if the city we live in gets nuked, and got answers like "There are bunkers we could go into." and "Don't dwell on it too much it's not gonna happen."

Craving certainty and the fact he brushed the whole thing off bothered me so I asked "Well what if we didn't reach the bunker in time? What if the bunkers full?"

Without hesitation step dad answered: "We'll die."

Then it hit me, a wave of dread washed over me. He attempted to lighten the mood and talked about something else, but internally I was spiraling into what if scenarios and how I don't have control over what happens to me or anyone really. And it branched off into morbid or odd interests I partake in to this day. Like watching humiliation rituals from a voyeurs perspective.
 
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You know without knowing pretty early, and the death of a parent young really puts shit into perspective, but that isn't "truly" knowing until you have a tinge of curious dread about it. That began with this covid coof tyranny in 2020, and realizing how fucked things were and that there wasn't enough time to fix it all.
 
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I was raised Christian so I grew up believing that death was just the beginning of my eternity. It didn't bother me until after I lost my faith in my late teens/early twenties. I had some existential dread for a long time, still do on occasion. I'm genuinely sorry if you're struggling with that right now, it was some of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. I had panic attacks and trouble sleeping for years afterwards thinking about nonexistence. I loved life so much and knowing that all of my experiences ultimately mean nothing made me not want to experience anything new, what was the point after all?

What changed for me, and this may not apply to you, was realizing that I was still looking at the world through a Christian lens. I told myself for years I was agnostic, not an atheist and still tried to live a Christian-ish life hoping that there was still a heaven waiting for me. This made me pessimistic and constantly disappointed in the world.

I don't know what changed except I just got emotionally exhausted from the pretense. The world is an absurd place and it isn't just, but it isn't unjust either. Knowing that everyone from the scummiest banker to the most pious man is just the same worm food in the end has been very comforting. I don't try to be something I'm not anymore, I don't live on my knees, I do what I want and march to the beat of my own drum but I try to stay humble and not put myself above others because if we're all equal in death I don't see the point in making life such a big deal. If society is an engine, I'm a rat nesting in the air filter and it's very comfy in here.

Anyway, sorry if that was TMI or if I came off as a fedora-tipper, I'm not like that but I know how it sounds sometimes. If that was tl;dr this song means a lot to me and sums up my point pretty well.

 
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Very young. My father was a distinct asshole and madman who loved tormenting others. My mother and I were frequently targeted. The earliest memory of realizing I would die someday was when he locked me in a large dog crate around five years old, told me he'd drive me to the lake and toss me in. He sat on the couch and watched me scream, cry and beg for about an hour until I kind of went catatonic. I realized in that moment death was the end and I was right to be afraid. The silver lining is that I came to grips with mortality earlier than most and I am now content with whatever may happen after this life ends. Whether that be the next phase, or nothingness. My life is beautiful now and I'm thankful I've lived long enough to get to this point. There's no sense in dreading the inevitable, it only distracts from the present. Enjoy what you can, while you're able.
 
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It would be easier for me to remember the first time I started to get really concerned about my planned obsolesce and to panic at my inability to even conceptualize what not existing would be like. I guess I was probably around 6 or 7. I am not sure, it's all such a blur now. It was at night lying in bed though.

For as long as I can remember, I was aware I was going to die, because I was constantly warned to always think of it as a possible consequence of my actions. This coupled with personal experience with relatives having died. But for some time, I did not really get what it meant for me.

I have not developed any fetish derived from it. On the contrary, it has conditioned my way of thinking about everything in a negative way first. Whenever I have to take a decision, I always kind of go through every possible worst case scenario before I even consider upsides.
 
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In 1989. I was mistreated so badly at the private boarding school that I nearly died from a heavy beating done by staff members. Back then, I realized how fragile life was and how it can suddenly vanish. Prior to that incident I thought I would have a good life and that nothing serious would happen to me as I lived in a small town, not those crime infested cities. After 1989, I now realized that anything could happen to me, even out in the countryside.
 
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As a small child, maybe five or six years old, I'd sometimes have this remarkable dreadful feeling.

The feeling would come to me with the sudden realisation that me and everyone I knew were going to die. It was a feeling of being trapped in a corridor forced to move forward without anything to hold on to.

My only name for it at the time was "the spooky feeling" or "the night feeling". To this day it's probably most profound awareness of my own mortality I've experienced. The memory of it hasn't faded in the slightest so many years later.
 
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I'm not sure what you're talking about. Dying? That's never going to happen, don't be silly.

Plus there probably isn't a single cell in our bodies that was there 10 years ago so you've already died anyways. You from yesterday is dead, just like you as a person right now is going to be dead by tomorrow. That exact person, their exact thoughts and feelings, is gone forever never to exist again. All that's left is an echo or impression they left on the world the same way our children are an echo of us but still are in no way us.

Maybe we die from one moment to the next. Maybe the very notion of life and continuance of consciousness is an illusion.

It's not like you can really do that much about it though so the whole thing really isn't even worth getting fucked up over.
 
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I'm pretty sure I understood it but didn't think about it much when I was a teenager and in my 20s.

Now I'm in my mid-30s and a day doesn't go by that I don't feel a sense of horror at the idea of getting older and running out of healthy years and not having more than a few decades left on earth. I don't think it's normal to think about it every single day and feel terrified, but I can't stop.
 
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Probably around 18 or so. Existential dread sucks and can really hold onto you until you work past it. I believe now I accept the fate of death and do not fear what comes afterward, but more so for me it's the process of slowly dying and everything going dark. Just the thought of everything shutting down, the air becoming hard to breathe, and the cold creeping in until eventually the light switches off and we plunge into the nothing.

Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night with the sudden emergence of this fear again, before shrugging it off and trying to get back to sleep. There's nothing to do to prevent any of us from dying of natural causes, so overall I've just become apathetic to it. What doesn't help is that onetime I almost drowned by stacking innertubes in the Lazy River at some waterpark until it was taller than I and flipping over. That was in middle school though and I somehow managed to flip back over. What does help though is realizing death will just be what it was like before we were born.

Before consciousness we just kind of existed, and then one day we wake up and all of a sudden we're cognizant of what is around us. I think my earliest memory was maybe when I was 4 or 5 and I woke up asking my mother if it was my birthday or not. Before that, I can't recall a single thing and that's what I anticipate death to be like now. It's like an uneasy calm. Life will go on, so just make your life worth living by doing what you enjoy, and do your best to be happy.
 
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