- Joined
- May 4, 2022
Went 9/10 in May. I (apparently) whiffed on Hypnotic, which I assumed would be a somewhat watchable soft sci-fi action movie by Robert Rodriguez with Ben Affleck....that turned out to (also apparently) be a huge pile of unwatchable shit. Kind of surprising, since Affleck's action movies are usually OK (The Town, Triple Frontier and The Accountant; I mean none are great or anything, but they're better than dementia-stage Bruce Willis); and Robert Rodriguez is...OK to be fair, I haven't seen anything by Rodriguez since the Sin City sequel, and that was 10 years. This is the first non-kids movie he's made since then. I guess he forgot how to make decent stuff. Either that or the movie is totally based, and all the reviewers and marketers are shitting on it, but somehow I doubt that. I can't find anyone who has actually seen it, and there's not a good rip out yet (I don't care enough to suffer through Chinese subtitles and volume inconsistencies). So I'll count it as a loss for now.
28.5/31 for the year. Fuck you Shazam 2.
Anyway, here's June:
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
Prediction: Shit
I didn't see the first one. The same people who say shit like "Oh the cartoon Batman movies are super good" liked it, and they've BEEN FUCKING WRONG EVERY TIME, ALL THOSE MOVIES SUCK. And this one has even more niggers and faggots in it.
The Boogeyman
Prediction: Shit
PG-13 horror movie from the guys who brought you 65 and one of the Dashcam movies (not sure if it was the mediocre one or the shitty one). Tropey ass preview.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
Prediction: Shit
Like Fast & Furious, if you like this shit, I don't expect this one to be any different. It kind of sucks that this is what has become of the IP, because it didn't have to be.
The Flash
Prediction: Shit
Member-berries the movie, starring an early-onset pedophile, directed by the IT: Chapter 2 guy (ok, he was also the IT chapter 1 guy, but still). I honestly can't tell if the studio is ankling this one or using it as a launchpad for the Gunn-crazy DC, and really I don't care, because it seems like every single thing is going to be complete and utter trash from now on.
Elemental
Prediction: Shit
The same fucking Pixar movie again, only this time, they're elements. Didn't Avatar do this already?
The Blackening
Prediction: Nigger shit
Will their street smarts and knowledge of horror movies help them stay alive? How many questions about Fulci and Argento will they get? Will the get the FW Murnau and Hammer Horror bonus rounds? Haha who am I kidding, from now on all the questions will be on Tales from the Hood and Leprechaun in the Hood.
No Hard Feelings
Prediction: Shit
A sex comedy, without sex or comedy.
Asteroid City
Prediction: Fine
Honestly, I'm only hoping this is fine, I really have no confidence in it. The French Dispatch was almost boring, and seemed more like a parody of a Wes Anderson movie than an actual Wes Anderson movie. And Grand Budapest Hotel was only slightly better. So it's been over 10 years since he made an actual good movie. This, I think, has a chance, since at least the genre and location are different. I really think he's suffering from George Lucas syndrome at this time, with no one to say "that's dumb" to him, and no technical constraints to deal with in film-making. I honestly think with constraint and adversity, he'd make much better movies. Guess we'll see, here's a very hopeful 'fine' prediction.
Indiana Jones and the Dilator of Destiny
Prediction: Shit
Bit unfair, since we already know this one is shit. Only interesting thing will be how bad it bombs.
Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken
Prediction: Shit
That prediction is for me to watch it. Maybe little kids will love it, who knows. Kids are retarded and I don't bother trying to predict them. Seem like the only real kids movie of the month so it will probably be huge. It's from the Croods guy, which I always thought was like a huge critical and Box Office bomb, but I think that's because I get it confused/can't differentiate it from that other caveman movie.
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Prediction: Shit
No kids movies for 3 weeks and then these geniuses release two on the same weekend. This is from the Ice Age guy and has Zachary Levi in it. I assume they cut out all the "problematic" parts of the book like where he murdered the kids in his class and tried to poison the town water supply.
So that's 1 (barely hopeful) watchable movie out of 10 for June. Which one are you looking forward to?!?! I can't wait to slip my Purple Crayon into some Teenage Kraken, if you know what I mean!
28.5/31 for the year. Fuck you Shazam 2.
Anyway, here's June:
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
Prediction: Shit
I didn't see the first one. The same people who say shit like "Oh the cartoon Batman movies are super good" liked it, and they've BEEN FUCKING WRONG EVERY TIME, ALL THOSE MOVIES SUCK. And this one has even more niggers and faggots in it.
The Boogeyman
Prediction: Shit
PG-13 horror movie from the guys who brought you 65 and one of the Dashcam movies (not sure if it was the mediocre one or the shitty one). Tropey ass preview.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
Prediction: Shit
Like Fast & Furious, if you like this shit, I don't expect this one to be any different. It kind of sucks that this is what has become of the IP, because it didn't have to be.
The Flash
Prediction: Shit
Member-berries the movie, starring an early-onset pedophile, directed by the IT: Chapter 2 guy (ok, he was also the IT chapter 1 guy, but still). I honestly can't tell if the studio is ankling this one or using it as a launchpad for the Gunn-crazy DC, and really I don't care, because it seems like every single thing is going to be complete and utter trash from now on.
Elemental
Prediction: Shit
The same fucking Pixar movie again, only this time, they're elements. Didn't Avatar do this already?
The Blackening
Prediction: Nigger shit
Will their street smarts and knowledge of horror movies help them stay alive? How many questions about Fulci and Argento will they get? Will the get the FW Murnau and Hammer Horror bonus rounds? Haha who am I kidding, from now on all the questions will be on Tales from the Hood and Leprechaun in the Hood.
No Hard Feelings
Prediction: Shit
A sex comedy, without sex or comedy.
Asteroid City
Prediction: Fine
Honestly, I'm only hoping this is fine, I really have no confidence in it. The French Dispatch was almost boring, and seemed more like a parody of a Wes Anderson movie than an actual Wes Anderson movie. And Grand Budapest Hotel was only slightly better. So it's been over 10 years since he made an actual good movie. This, I think, has a chance, since at least the genre and location are different. I really think he's suffering from George Lucas syndrome at this time, with no one to say "that's dumb" to him, and no technical constraints to deal with in film-making. I honestly think with constraint and adversity, he'd make much better movies. Guess we'll see, here's a very hopeful 'fine' prediction.
Indiana Jones and the Dilator of Destiny
Prediction: Shit
Bit unfair, since we already know this one is shit. Only interesting thing will be how bad it bombs.
Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken
Prediction: Shit
That prediction is for me to watch it. Maybe little kids will love it, who knows. Kids are retarded and I don't bother trying to predict them. Seem like the only real kids movie of the month so it will probably be huge. It's from the Croods guy, which I always thought was like a huge critical and Box Office bomb, but I think that's because I get it confused/can't differentiate it from that other caveman movie.
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Prediction: Shit
No kids movies for 3 weeks and then these geniuses release two on the same weekend. This is from the Ice Age guy and has Zachary Levi in it. I assume they cut out all the "problematic" parts of the book like where he murdered the kids in his class and tried to poison the town water supply.
So that's 1 (barely hopeful) watchable movie out of 10 for June. Which one are you looking forward to?!?! I can't wait to slip my Purple Crayon into some Teenage Kraken, if you know what I mean!
