Last Will and Testament - Kiwifarms version

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Is Irma 'bout to fug yo shit up?

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WW 635

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In case you haven't seen the news, Hurricane Irma is hell-bent on killing literally everyone. That's right. We're all going to die at the hands of this beast or maybe her brother Jose. Or maybe even years from now by another super-fucking-hurricane.

Regardless, you should make sure you have your Kiwifarms last will and testament written up. Have you ever considered who will care for your orbiters, goons, troll babies, and doxing fam after you pass? Have you thought about who will m.i.l.k. your lolcows? Of course you haven't, you selfish fucking prick. It's never too late to start.

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Here is my:
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT​

Firstly, I would like @Rat Speaker to sit in the cuck corner crying while this will is read. That is my final gift to him.

I hereby bequeath @Dynastia my namesake and subsequently @DNJACK is bequeathed @Dynastia since they're always sneaking around behind my goddamn back anyway.

To @Ride I give my pastebin, though I know he already has the password... He has all the passwords.

@entropyseekswork is bequeathed @DNJACK. This does not put her in charge of @Dynastia in any way, just someone is needed to provide @DNJACK with the emotional, physical and sexual abuse that keeps him in a state of comfortable.

@Cthulhu, I know you have your hands full with @entropyseekswork but I will also need to to take on my pet goons and a few troll babies. Make your waifu walk them and clean up the poop.

I bequeath @JSGOTI with my eternal love. As in, I'm going to fucking haunt you. Before you protest, think of all the doxing you will be able to accomplish with a creepy ghost friend.

@Deadpool is bequeathed his corner of the rape dungeon, which he is not allowed to leave ever. @Kiwi Jeff please feed him. If you don't I understand.

To @Broken Pussy I bequeath my low tier orbiters to do with as she pleases, except for @Hui who I require be burned in an effigy alongside my own body in a Viking style pyre.
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I, InLivingTuna, of Auckland, New Zealand, being of sound mind and body, hereby declare this my last will and testament. In the event of my unexpected death, I direct that the following statements be upheld;

@yawning sneasel I bequeath Shmorky's head (which I keep mounted on a plaque in my room), both of my makeshift dildos, and my collection of Pampers brand diapers to you. I trust that you will use all three items for deviant sexual purposes.

@Feline Darkmage to you I entrust one dead mouse and a ball of yarn. I would offer you more but those two items will distract you for the next six months at least so I'm not gonna worry about it.

@Super Collie I bestow unto you my title of "being the guy who makes really good OPs", a title which I acquired from the late @chimpburgers. I believe you of all people will be able to live up to the name.

@Ride I hereby give you full custody of our illegitimate child @CasualSeppuku. Be sure to get her vaccinated as much as possible to help proliferate the autism master race.

@AnOminous for you I bequeath one single stick of Old Spice brand deodorant and one tube of Crest toothpaste. Please take both items as well as the hint.

@Ntwadumela I bought a very special gift for you, something you'll surely enjoy. I've been saving this for when you're grown up enough for it, but in the event of my death, please take your copy of The Lion King on DVD, which I've translated into Arabic and painstakingly drew realistic lion genitals onto.

Now while I have very little in the way of expensive items to leave to you, @Jaiman, I task you with an undeniably important task; the ownership, display, and preservation of my pedostache. Feel free to charge admission for this most holy of artifacts, as you'll likely make millions from the legions of people who come to see it.

I take this final opportunity to say goodbye to my fellow kiwis, and to remind them one last time that your gay lol. I'm not sure how the hurricane will even hit me considering the fact that I live in Michigan but in any case, farewell, and remember to continue all of your plans to murder the strong and beautiful trans woman Christine Chandler.
 
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In the event of my death by Irma, you're all absolutely fucked because I live so far freaking north that it snows in May.

I want the song "Always look on the bright side of life" from Monty Python's Life of Brian played at my funeral, and I want said funeral to be done ASAP.
 
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I bequeath my Polaroid of a dog that has the same mouth as Jeffrey Tambor to a fine arts museum
 
There are a few changes to my will I would like to make:

In light of new information that @Hui is not a gorgeous trap, I would like @The Colonel to be burned on the funeral pyre with me instead.

Since @Broken Pussy's forum attendance is unstable, all of my low tier orbiters are to be euthanised.
 
Cricket said:
There are a few changes to my will I would like to make:

In light of new information that @Hui is not a gorgeous trap, I would like @The Colonel to be burned on the funeral pyre with me instead.

Since @Broken Pussy's forum attendance is unstable, all of my low tier orbiters are to be euthanised.
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I’ll try to be more attentive to your orbiters.
 
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