Let's Sperg Lets Sperg: XCOM Enemy Unknown - Ironman Rules

[Sammy]

This is my first attempt at a lets playsperg, so I'll be feeling out how best to do this.

XCOM: Enemy Unknown was released in 2012. A remake of the game XCOM: UFO Defense (or UFO: Enemy Unknown if you're not 'MURICAN) from 1994. One of the few remake games that was truly faithful to the original, and hard as balls.

Spoiler: Introduction

ruh roh

it looks friendly

OHGODBEARIWASWRONG

:rates horrifying:

Hello Gamers. The world is under attack by like, aliens that are being total trolls and dicks. We decided you would be the best to deal with this, as a Marine Trained Teen living the Gamer Lifestyle. The countries of the world are going to give you a crap ton of money if you can stop this problem.

SEMPER FIDELIS

We'll be playing on Normal (Because I am a scrub), but on Ironman. So if something bad happens there's no going back, no savescumming. Our consequences are forever ours.

First Order of Business for the Kiwis to choose:

Where are we setting up home base?

 

[Randall Fragg]

Asia, so we can get all the upgrades cheap.

 

[Sammy]

Asia it is!

Shortly after breaking ground in Asia, our squadron of grass green rookies are called to their first mission, alien activity in a graveyard! Dem Alieums is after our skeltins!

Captain's Log: Star Date, June Fith, Two Thousand Sisteen. We touch down in Japan in a spooky graveyard. Its extra spooky because all the graves look like Christian Burials and have European style headstones. The surrounding buildings are constructed in the style of Western Architecture. We did land in Japan, right? Are we even in the right neighborhood?

Our Team touch down, and begin looking looking for safe cover.

ALIEUMS! They're so cliche its almost insulting. Seriously guys, get more original bodies.

Remember how I said our team were rookies? I wasn't lying. The World's Governments seemed to think the best way to react to this otherworldly menace was to send us recruits who just yesterday learned to point the loud part of the gun in the bad guy's directions.

Seeing as our soldiers can't seem to hit the broad side of a barn, The Commander orders them to move into closer cover.

Only to find... we're not alone. Well okay we already knew that, but we're even more not alone. Alieum reinforcements!

The Alieums respond to the threat of seeing a bunch of weirdly dressed shaven apes with loud bangsticks moving up by doing some sorta weird spooky mind meld technique, combining the power of their Autism.

Turns out even with the power of Double Autism, these Alieums don't fare any better at shooting than our team. Hey idiots, You're supposed to blow up the soldiers, not the gravestones they hide behind!

OH GOD THEY HAD A PLAN ALL ALONG.

We learn quickly that the Alieum weapons are superior to our own. They're also superior to brick and granite, as they blast away our cover, allowing their comrades clean shots. Two of our squad have taken serious wounds.

OKAY SERIOUSLY THESE GUNS HAVE SOME BUGGED MECHANICS! THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO! NERF RECOIL GUN DESIGNERS!

Seeing as our soldiers don't seem quite ready for 20th Century Weaponry, The Commander gives them an easier task, "Throw rocks at the mean bug people!"

Good thing The Commander gave them the explodey rocks.

Two of the Alieums die from having their organs gently pushed to the outside of their bodies by a concussive wave of force carrying some friendly shrapnel. The third seems to have some sort of heart attack (the brain kind of heart attack) when his spooky Autism Mind Link friend's bones decide to violently go outside for some fresh air.

Meanwhile, our cross eyed recruit in the back fires his assault rifle again....

.. And scores a hit! Baby's first headshot! Practice truly makes perfect guys.

Mission Complete: Basically, we got all the Tangos dude. Semper Fidelis!

After spending some time scraping up the Alieum paste near the grenade crater and thowing a few TupperWare bins of the goop into the trunk, our battle weary soldiers head home.

Two of our soldiers learned enough Alieum Killing to be granted some promotions!

Oddly enough The Commander promotes the soldier who threw the grenade into the role of a Sniper, and the only one to actually hit something with a gun to grab a shotgun and fight close quarters. Repeated attempts to tell The Commander he got the debriefing files mixed up fall on deaf ears.

TIME FOR A VOTE:
What do we name our squadron of soldiers?
Do people want to volunteer their names, do we pick names from popular Kiwis, or do we give them the names of our favorite cows?

 

[Randall Fragg]

Name one after me please.

 

[ActualKiwi]

I'll volunteer for one of our spergtroops. And our Squadron could be RaceWarVan?

 

[Sammy]

I haven't forgotten about this game. I still think I'm going to put it on hiatus to help @caffeinated_wench with the Baldurs Gate game. Will necro this thread when I am ready to continue it. Sincerest apologies guys.