Making Pickles With Noodle

[Cup Noodle]

I'm currently making a small batch of sweet pickles with the first cucumbers out of my garden. This is a tried and trued method that I have used for years and it makes better pickles than store bought or turning store bought dill slices into sweet pickles. This is not a quick refrigerator recipe. This recipe takes eight days of prep and a couple months of waiting, but gives you shelf stable pickles that will tantalize your taste buds. If you decide to try this, keep in mind that we are going to be leaving food out for over a week at room temperature. Make sure you have super clean containers, tools, and hands.

Items required:
Fresh cucumbers
Water
Pickling, canning, or kosher salt
Alum
Apple cider vinegar
Pickling spices
Granulated sugar
Other shit if you want custom pickles (we will get to that on day eight)
Food grade NON REACTIVE container/s with lid/s. For big batches store bought five gallon buckets and lids work well. Don't use a hydraulic fluid etc. five gallon bucket. I don't know from experience, but there are some absolute idiots that get documented around here that might try it.
Mason Jars with lids and bands

Day 1: Cut and sterilize.
Cut washed cucumbers to the desired thickness, place in a container and cover in boiling water. Allow to cool and cover.

Spoiler: Hot water cucumber slices

I prefer mine cut a little chonkey. I did let some of the cucumbers get a little too big. The centers will fall off of cukes that are far too big,

Day 2: Brine them bitches.

Spoiler: After the day long soak

There will be scum floating on the surface. It's fine. Give it a sniff. Still smells like fresh cucumbers right? Let's continue.
Skim the worst of the scum or don't. It really doesn't matter, but you will get a more visually appealing product in the end if you do. Prepare a salt water solution of 1.5 cups of salt to a gallon of cold water. If you don't use Freedom Units ask Google. I'm already spending too much time documenting this process and neglecting other things that I should be doing. Drain the old water off of the cucumbers and cover them in the saltwater solution. Give them a gentle mix and cover again.

Spoiler: Future pickles soaking in the tears of their enemies

To be continued...

 

[MediocreMilt]

I'm currently making a small batch of sweet pickles with the first cucumbers out of my garden.

thought you said you were making them out of noodle.

 

[Cup Noodle]

thought you said you were making them out of noodle.

I see how that could be confusing now. I'm leaving it though.

 

[General Disarray]

thought you said you were making them out of noodle.

I know, I was pretty excited. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

 

[Cup Noodle]

Day 3: Chemicals for Cronch

When are we ever going to turn these cucumbers into pickles? Not today. We need one more soaking. If you want that Vlassic crunch you need to soak them in Alum. You might want to source this before starting your pickle batch. I had to go to three stores before I ever found some. Covid has made spice shelves thin out for whatever reason. Prepare a solution of 2.5 Tbs Alum per gallon of water. I know you don't have a half tablespoon measuring spoon. That translates to 2Tbs plus 1.5tsp or 7.5tsp or just eyeball it in a Tablespoon like I do. This is science, but it's not rocket science. Drain the saltwater brine and add the Alum solution. Cover.

Spoiler: Oh Shit!!! WTF!!!

"My cucumbers have always floated. What the fuck is going on?" Thanks to magic your cucumbers have become more dense. Tomorrow we may or may not actually pickle the bitches. Stay tuned to find out.

 

[MediocreMilt]

I know you don't have a half tablespoon measuring spoon.

Uh. Yeah I do.

 

[Cup Noodle]

Uh. Yeah I do.

I've had and seen many measuring spoon sets and none of them have had fractions of a tablespoon. Learn something new every day.

 

[Cup Noodle]

Life happened.
Day 4-7: Let's get to pickling!
Your cucumbers likely became slightly less dense than the day before, but it's just more magic so ignore that. Today we begin the process of turning your super saturated cucumbers into Pickle Ricks or whatever. Put a sufficient amount of apple cider vinegar in a pot and add 3Tbs of pickling spices per gallon. I don't dill my sweet pickles, but if you want that twang put that in there too. Use a lid and your fume hood, can't remember what it's called in the kitchen, because no one likes to breathe in acid. Bring it to a boil then turn off the heat and let it steep for like ten minutes. Cool your concoction by placing the pot in a cold water bath or just wait forever. I don't care. Once your pickling brine is cooled enough that you can touch it without taking the Lord's name in vein pour off the previous Alum brine and pour on the new pickling brine. Cover and wait. It was like 2am on day five when I did that process and I wasn't particularly worried about taking a picture, sorry. Pro tip. If you have enough cucumbers that you need more than one container, measure off equal portions of pickling spices and secure them in cheese cloth. Throw the cheese clothed spices in the separate containers. I'm probably too drunk and tired to explain this well so message me if you need further context. I hope to see yall on day eight. That's when the real fun begins.

 

[Cup Noodle]

Fucking Day 8: Let's Go!!!
This is the day when your cucumbers have officially graduated into being pickles. Now Let's mix it up a bit. I'll give you the boring method of turning your pickles into sweet pickles and then give you some suggestions on how to make your pickles less boring. I made six different types of pickles from this little batch plus one that I just threw shit into and labeled leftovers. Leftovers will likely be the best tasting that I will never be able to recreate. The others are labeled for research and refinement purposes.
Here's what your pickles should look like

What we need now are sterilized jars and a few other simple ingredients. What you will need foremost is a ton of sugar. Find a mixing bowl and fill it with sugar and keep the bag on hand as you will need more than you could imagine. I place a old bath towel on the countertop as this will become messy.
Recipe 1: Regular Sweet Pickles
Take your pickle from the bowl and give it a good shake. Throw it in the sugar and bread it as you would chicken and throw in a jar. You will notice that the sugar is getting dissolved. This is good. Pack the pickles best as you can and add extra sugar to the jar to take up empty spots. The goal here is to keep your pickle wet. I know I prefer my pickle being wet. Once the jar is full and can take no more, clean up the sticky mess you made on the threads and sealing surface. Apply a lid and band. It will likely look something like this.

I know it looks weird now, but give it a few months and your white sticky goo will turn into something wonderful.
Recipe 2: Wickles
It's just slightly spicy pickles. Put some Jalapenos in the bottom of the jar and cover them in jalapeno juice if you are buying store bought jalapenos. If you are using fresh jalapenos, slice them put them in a saucepan with some white vinegar and bring them to a boil (covered) and then let them sit a while. Do this first while you are prepping the other pickle shit. Add some to the bottom of the jar and cover in the vinegar. Otherwise the process is the same.
If you are adding extra liquid ingredients your goo probably won't be as thick and creamy. That's fine. You just want to have a nearly full jar with completely covered pickles. Here is one of the ones I made tonight.

I've got all kinds of fun shit in there and that isn't even the more complicated one.
This is why I love day 8. Day 1-7 is basically making the best base pickle that I have come across so far. Day 8 is beginning the process of turning a good pickle into a masterpiece. Use your own creativity and throw all kinds of shit in there.
Now we wait. Place your jars of pickles on a pantry shelf. Once a week up end them. Turn them upside down. Designate a pickle turning day so that you don't forget. This will help dissolve any remaining granulated sugar and disperse any flavors from any other ingredients that you may have added. I find that three months is a good starting point to try your pickles, but I have stored the things and eaten them for 18. Past that vinegar starts eating the lid and that's not good. You might notice that I didn't use any process to seal the jars. It's fine. There is enough vinegar and sugar (preservatives) here that if you kept clean enough that it won't matter. When you crack a jar put it in the fridge. When I was a kid we ate sweet pickles out of a five gallon bucket in the pantry and I'm still alive. Your mileage may vary though. Don't give infants anything home canned. Botulism is a thing and you can't sue if you gave it to your own kid. Botulism to an adult is a tummy ache but to an infant is a death sentence.

 

[Valstrax]

What the hell am I reading? Although to be fair, this does seem pretty interesting. Keep up the good work, OP!

 

[Cup Noodle]

What the hell am I reading? Although to be fair, this does seem pretty interesting. Keep up the good work, OP!

I don't know about good work, but I can't be stopped. I'm just an autist with a love for pickles.

 

[StrawberryDouche]

Sweet pickles: southern white boy identified

Your sweet pickle abomination tale is fascinating, enjoyable to read, and horrifying. Happy to know diabetes is shelf stable for up to 18 months in case shit hits the fan.

Have you ever made real pickles? The unsweet kind?

 

[Cup Noodle]

Sweet pickles: southern white boy identified

Your sweet pickle abomination tale is fascinating, enjoyable to read, and horrifying. Happy to know diabetes is shelf stable for up to 18 months in case shit hits the fan.

Have you ever made real pickles? The unsweet kind?

Can't make a sweet pickle without making or buying a regular pickle first. If you want a more store bought taste follow the same process but substitute the apple cider vinegar with white vinegar and add a bunch of dill to the pickling spices in the pickling step and just jar them skipping the sweet part. Never tried anything but slices though.