Hi Jake,
I am a 28-year-old, professional gay man with a very specific liking for married straight men. Now, I know such guys (usually in straight relationships and on the DL) should be faithful to their significant other, I just feel it is almost a biological urge on my side to flirt with them if I think they are cute or if they show any signs of being bi-curious. I generally like the daddy-type of guys and even for porn, my preference is “married man cheating”. Should I feel guilty? Why do I have this predilection? Do I need to change?
The Caped Seducer
Dear The Caped Seducer,
I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to have guilt around their sexual desires and predilections, as long as you are engaged in mutual affairs and are not harming anyone or breaking any laws. Let’s face it, it takes two to tango, so if you’re able to seduce these married, straight-identifying men, then you’re obviously tapping into an unfulfilled need they have to explore other sides of their sexuality.
Is it healthy for these men to have an illicit affair with someone (of any gender) behind their partner’s back without talking to them about it? Probably not. But this is a decision they are making, not you. Ultimately, if someone is cheating, the ownership of that is on them, not on the “manstress”.
That said, you bring up some good questions about where this naughty super-power comes from, and why you’ve chosen to cultivate your gift, Obi Wan Kenobi-style. You describe an almost “biological urge”, which to me, could mean that there is some psychological need being met by wielding your power. The best thing to do would be to talk to a therapist about this, and see if you can uncover where this might come from (if you don’t see your state listed, let us know!).
For example, perhaps you love the “conquest”, and when you achieve it, it provides some sense of self-worth or validation that you otherwise might not feel. Or, maybe it almost feels “dangerous” or naughty, and the adrenaline from the chase harkens back to when you were first exploring your sexuality and felt shame, guilt, or that it was “bad” in some way (yet oh so good) to explore your sexuality. It might not even be that deep, and you simply lusted after the straight “daddies” in the country club locker room as a teen, and that imprinted upon you a desire for a certain type going forward.
Regardless of its origin, the question you seem to ask is, “What do I do about it?” As RuPaul says, “With great power, comes great responsibility”, so it’s up to you to decide if there’s any harm in this behavior, and if you feel it would be better for you to let your power go dormant for awhile.
Are you limiting your own chances to find a healthy partner because you’re drawn to unavailable men? Does it feel “safer”, in some way, to know that there’s a shelf-life once your seducing power takes hold? Perhaps it feels scary to think about going after an available gay guy you’re attracted to, because you worry about rejection? Rejection might feel easier if it comes from a straight guy, because you can blame his sexual orientation, instead of yourself. Again, talking to an LGBTQ psychotherapist could really benefit your understanding of it.
As far as if you “need to change”, that’s up to you. I often ask clients if the pros outweigh the cons. Are there any risks involved? Are you putting yourself in unsafe situations, such as the possibility of a scorned spouse enacting revenge on her cheating man, or a closeted guy wanting you to keep quiet from his secret shame? If you don’t sense any kryptonite, then I say, “What’s the harm?” Clearly your married daddies like themselves a piece of Clark Kent. Just don’t fly too close to the sun!
