Patriotic Shitposts - Shitty Posts for Shitty Americans

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Barack Obama - Dirty Potter presents ‘Dirty Barack Obama: Director’s Cut’. This is my story. The very real sketchy biography of my life. My story, the story of my swag. It is true of course. All of it. Every. Single. Word. Seriously, I promise.

Faggot.

If you ask my 8-year old what I do for a living, she might say I make laws. But in reality, I make doody in my shorts, usually a drunk or high. One of the surprising things about Washington is the amount of time sitting on toilets, taking massive, nuclear, super shits. When I make a poo-poo, I would often spend the evening held up inside the White House bathroom. It took me a week of straining ‘til I pushed out a narrow stream of poopy, flooding the bathroom floor. It was an intoxicating, illusive mixture, the smell of death. And your mother was begging Barack to stop!

Anyway, one night, Bill and Hillary Clinton, as well as George H. W. Bush and his wife, Barbara, and Ronald Reagan, Jerry Falwell, Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson and finally, Karl Rove and George W. Bush came into the office where I was jacking off vigourously to naked Japanese cartoons raping each other on the internet, fearturing scenes of my waifu. Indeed, Barack believes in the virtues of ‘fapitalism’. The last I checked, 4 or 5 hours a day is indeed impressive.
Politicians - “Mr. President,”
Barack Obama - all of them said to me as I walked over to them,
Politicians - “we want to suck your magnificent erection”.
Barack Obama - I looked down at the cock in my hand. These guys were niggers and whenever we met, we would compare cocks. “Shut up,” I said, “you can’t handle my dick. You’re pretty much guaranteed to lose, badly. Or worse, suffer extremely painful anus destruction“.

Let me explain the massive size of my monstrous cock. When I was only 2 years old, my dick was 5 miles long. Today, my penis reaches out at least nine trillion, without any viagra. I was really proud of this. One of the distinguishing features of my dick that is said is killing Osama Bin Laden with my pee. Although, that is enough when it comes to my semen. The amounts of thick cum involved are breathtaking, a result of the complex machinery of my prostate. Try to swallow a mouthful of my cum and you’d say, ‘Jesus Christ, it’s like drinking from a fire hose!’ and then, your head would explode. Seriously! It’s in the constitution. And yet, in the most basic sense, the problem’s that there are too many goddamn black people and not enough fried chicken for everyone who needs it. Now, if you say, ‘But Barack, that is racist’, I would say, ‘This is true, but it is also very funny!’

”Anyway, politics is boring” I said. Instead, I grip a little tighter in my lap. I feel myself up and back down again, then up for a second time and then for a third and, eventually, with enough repetition, what had appeared soft just a few moments before, suddenly came alive. And then, as God has commanded, I had sex with every single stupid motherfucker, retarded, doody-headed, two-faced, fat, dipshit, farty-pants faggot, nigger-lover politician in the room at the same time. Then, I fapped with full force and, on the count of three, a judicious projection of cum splattered Ann Coulter’s face. “Fucking owned!” I said and she, standing in her underwear, fully grasped Ronald Reagan‘s ever expanding erection. Afterward, former President Bill Clinton rose to speak.
Bill Clinton - “BJ, please“
Barack Obama - he said. I gave him seriously sexual suck on his cock that would make you feel incredibly lucky. My work on his shaft was much better than Monica.

And anyway, well, I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve decided I love pie. I’ve gotten some taste of growing the pie and baking the pie and governing the pie and shitting the pie and fucking the pie and slicing the pie and slicing the piece of the pie and slicing the piece of the piece of the pie and slicing the piece of the piece of the pie. Hey, sweetie pie, I love slicing the piece of the pie.

Anyway, after a couple of minutes, everyone was in a festive mood, eating and drinking my semen and doody. You never know what these people will eat.
 
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