- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Greetings, dudes and dudettes of all teenages, this is DDC returning to CWCki after a bit of absence. I wanted to cut back on the intarwebz because I had some stuff to do... anyway, the reason for my return is that I discovered a mightily lulzy lolcow which made me think of this good old forum immediately.
Have you ever asked yourself: "What if ADF had non-ironic followers?" or "What if Gloria Tesch's unwarranted self-importance, Alejandro Cao de Benyo de Les y Perez's weirdo political views, Chris's tendency of getting banned from places and Lyndon LaRouche's tyrannical behavior were compressed into a single person?"
Today, you have to be on your best behaviour, because you'll meet a king! Yes, you read right: Meet His Royal Highness King Peter Fitzek, aka Imperator Fiduziar. Here he's standing in a field of flowers in all his royal glory:
"But what is he king of and why is he a lolcow?" I hear someone ask. Well, the answer to the first point already contains a lot of the second one: He's king of Germany!
You probably learned in school that Germany in its present-day incarnation is a Federal Republic founded in 1949 to which the formerly communist eastern part was added in 1990. But according to some people of, um... questionable sanity, this is completely and utterly untrue. These merry folks, who are usually to be found in the political vicinity of persons who like four-armed symbols and brown hues, actually believe that the Federal Republic of Germany is not a nation at all, but an evil corporation run by... um... the international financial elite.
Sometimes, a few of these guys will get together in order to found the "real" German state. Usually they call it "German Empire" or something similar, as they believe that the German Empire is still in existence, because, you see, the FGR is just an evil corporation. These state-founding attempts tend to be very pathetic and end with the authorities having to explain to a bunch of lolcows that they are NOT a seperate nation and German law applies to them because they are still inside Germany. One of these attempts took place in Krampfer Castle, a very run-down place without electricity, running water or heating. A bunch of misfits made their own flag and declared the premises to be a newly founded nation. After a few weeks, the police kicked them out, due to authorities having decided that A.) Krampfer Castle was unfit for habitation, and B.) socially awkward lowlifes have to pay dog tax too.
Enter Peter Fitzek!
Peter, having been - among others - a chef, a video store owner, a bar owner, a clothing store owner and a Karate teacher, felt that he was cut out for more. Far more! After all, he could feel angels communicating and telling him that he was destined for greatness, and his girlfriend could even see said angels! After running for mayor of the city Wittenberg and even for federal parliament and receiving a smashing fraction of 1% of votes, Peter decided he was done with the evil j... international-financial-elite-run corporation called Federal Republic of Germany. What the Germans needed was true freedom - freedom from the... international financial elite stealing all of their money and Americans telling them what to do. And who was going to lead them to freedom? Guess!
When Germans want to achieve an end, they tend to found a "Verein". This word can roughly be translated as "club", but it is a bit more from a legal viewpoint: In case your Verein fullfills certain very loosely defined criteria of beeing useful to the public, it can enjoy tax exempts and some other privileges. There are Vereine for sports, education, fishing, hiking, BDSM, knitting, drinking tea and other stuff.
In 2009, Peter founded the Verein NeuDeutschland (NewGermany). In his imagination, if his Verein got enough members, it would be granted the right to make laws and raise taxes and evolve into a constitutional monarchy governing Germany. Apart from this being nonsense, the Verein didn't get the hundreds of thousands of members Peter hoped for. So, once again, being a man of action, he took things into his own hands and in 2012 founded the Kingdom of Germany with a few hundred of fans on the estate of a former hospital in Wittenberg which he had bought. You can watch the royal coronation ceremony here - no need to understand German (Peter just spouts a lot of crap), just enjoy the kingly atmosphere and show.
From then on, things got really really lulzy.
Peter's kingdom - he had decided that constitutional monarchies were for losers, his country was going to be an absolute monarchy - now consisted of a 9 hectare estate (with the old hospital), an office in an industrial building and Peter's store "Engelswelten" ("Angel Worlds") which dealt in esoteric crap, plus some 200 citizens which usually were rather naive fans and activits hoping to set things right in Germany.
The flag of the Kingdom of Germany. It resembles... something.
The first thing Peter needed to get his kingdom going was, of course, money. Therefore, becoming his subject is a kinda expensive affair, you have to pay a few hundred Euros for the honor of being allowed to listen to a lengthy lecture by Peter about his monarchy and his... unusual views on politics and take a test afterwards the result of which will decide whether you're fit to kiss your FRG citizenship goodbye and enter Utopia.
In order to make lotsa moar moneys, Peter also founded a banking institution, called the Reichsbank (Imperial Bank). Please note that beginning the name of any kind of institution with "Reich-" leaves a very bad aftertaste in Germany because of.
The Reichsbank is very happy to take your burdensome Euros and change them into the crisp new currency created by Peter, called the Engel (meaning "Angel" plus being a backronym for "Ein Neues GELd" = "A New Money").
Saskia, manager of the Reichsbank.
(No, don't join the Kingdom. DON'T!!! It's a very bad idea...)
And here are the Engel bills. Pretty colors.
This wouldn't have been so bad since Peter had declared his pretty Engel bills to be works of art, and it is of course legal to sell works of art or use them for barter (a surprising number of small businesses the owners of which are fans of Peter accept the Engel as payment). Things got unpleasant for him and lulzy for the rest of the universe when the Reichsbank began to offer banking accounts. This would have required a banking permit to be legal, and a permit Peter didn't have, nor did he, at least according to his own imagination, need one as he was the king of a seperate state. The BaFin (a governmental agency controlling banking and insurance businesses) was of a very different opinion and began to watch Peter closely, especially since he had also started his own health insurance (again without a permit) the aim of which was to offer holistic healing, meditation, prayer and similarly reliable medical methods to its customers. After all, who would be so foolish to treat cancer with the evil corrupt international financial elite medicine practiced in hospitals aorund the world??
Since he was the ruler of his own country, Peter decided that he didn't need the EU licence plate on his car anymore, nor his driving licence. He created his own royal licence plate and made himself a new kingly driving licence (for which he bought a very expensive special printer for official[-looking] documents). In order to provoke German authorities into accepting his kingdom as a sovereign state, Peter drove to the police station immediately and explained matters to some surprised cops. These tried to convince the king that he was not allowed to drive without an EU licence plate and driving licence, but the monarch just grinned and drove away, believing that soon the German government would be forced to accept that the kingdom was a real, sovereign nation.
While tabloids like the infamous BILD-Zeitung (somewhat similar to "National Enquirer" or the "Sun") greedily gobbled up the whacky royal antics, the authorities soon became fed up. When a lady at Wittenberg city council tried to reason with Peter, he roughly grabbed her arm and told her that he was arresting her for high treason. A similar but even more lulzy incident happened when Peter entered the elementary school where his son is taught (relax, folks, he doesn't have custody of the child) and got into a fight with two teachers who tried to keep him from stealing a book. WAIT WUT?? Well, it was an illustrated children's book of the "where do babies come from?" type which explains sex and reproduction in simple words and pictures. King Peter was of the opinion that introducing children to the basics of sex at too young an age (sex ed happens in the 2nd grade of elementary school in Germany) makes them more susceptible to brainwashing by the international financial elite and since the school wouldn't exempt his son from it, his Highness decided to take action and remove the corresponding textbook.
Like a certain autistic individual from Virginia, USA, the king is very prone to getting banned from places!
So, what else happens in that jolly kingdom? According to ex-followers, nothing very pleasant. Peter, who is convinced he was sent by God, is quite a king alright... he bullies people, doesn't accept different opinions from his own and behaves like a regular tyrant. Once you've become his subject, be ready to do A LOT of unpaid work, such as gardening (kingdom's gotta look pleasant!), cooking, organizing illegal banking schemes and helping Peter with a number of strange projects. Among these, he plans to return the hospital to working order so that finally AIDS, cancer and other diseases can be treated with super-effective meditation, homeopathy, praying and healing amulets instead of all the harmful scientific medications invented by the international financial elite in order to ruin the German people's health. There's also a university in the pipeline, where the teachings of the king will be the curriculum. According to their website, this school will be similar to the best private elite colleges. And there's the Reichstechnologiezentrum (Imperial Technology Center) where the king's inventors are busy with a pyrolysis machine which will turn garbage into diesel fuel and a perpetual motion machine which for some reason is always out of order when someone demands to see it in action.
Pyrolysis machines DO exist, but they're not magic thingies that turn waste into diesel fuel - rather, they break complex molecules up into smaller ones through application of heat, which means yes, it is possible to use them for fuel manufacture, but not by themselves (you'd need to add a petrochemical plant) and their operation is very complex and requires professional engineers whom King Peter doesn't have at his disposal. Rather, his inventor staff has stopped working on the pyrolysis machine due to it creating foul smells. This may have been the most intelligent thing ever done in that kingdom (apart from people leaving it), since amateurs fooling around with such a device would be likely to poison themselves or others through toxic waste products.
The great thing about King Peter is that he produces a steady stream of content. More a RL lolcow than the intarwebz kind, he provides entertainment through his delusional political beliefs, huge ego and personal grandeur, idiotic projects and especially his many run-ins with the powers-that-be who simply refuse to accept that Peter is the king of Germany who can make his own laws and that the FRG is defunct due to being an evil corporate entity created by greedy, hook-nosed people.
Banking and offering "health insurance" without a permit. Driving a car with home-made licence plate and driver's licence at kingly speeds (His Highness is infamous for speeding). Assaulting a secretary at city hall... the police and several official German state authorities have by now quite a file on the king, which also holds a large number lengthy rambling letters he has written to them. In these, he uses pluralis maiestatis ("Wir"="We" instead of "ich"="I") and calls himself Imperator Fiduziar (Emperor Fiduziar - being a king just isn't the limit!). When His Highness returned from vacations in Marocco a few weeks ago, he found a letter in his royal mailbox, which gently informed him that his case will go to court and there could be 2 years of must-not-drop-soap in store for him.
The king isn't impressed, though. "This will take time, the courts work slowly", he said. "Before they reach any conclusion I will have overthrown the Federal Republic of Germany."
Here's an English language article on the king.
And a documentary with English subtitles:
[youtube]KUU8CXqWPNQ[/youtube]
Here's the kingdom's homepage (German) ~ read their constitution in English
If you can read German, here's a rather extensive blog with articles about the king
...or just enjoy these royal images:
Peter with his home-made driving licence.
An elephant and a less intelligent creature.
Aaaand here's the flag once more!
The king's ride. With a home-made licence plate.
Royal fanart!
MOAR fanart!
Have you ever asked yourself: "What if ADF had non-ironic followers?" or "What if Gloria Tesch's unwarranted self-importance, Alejandro Cao de Benyo de Les y Perez's weirdo political views, Chris's tendency of getting banned from places and Lyndon LaRouche's tyrannical behavior were compressed into a single person?"
Today, you have to be on your best behaviour, because you'll meet a king! Yes, you read right: Meet His Royal Highness King Peter Fitzek, aka Imperator Fiduziar. Here he's standing in a field of flowers in all his royal glory:
"But what is he king of and why is he a lolcow?" I hear someone ask. Well, the answer to the first point already contains a lot of the second one: He's king of Germany!
You probably learned in school that Germany in its present-day incarnation is a Federal Republic founded in 1949 to which the formerly communist eastern part was added in 1990. But according to some people of, um... questionable sanity, this is completely and utterly untrue. These merry folks, who are usually to be found in the political vicinity of persons who like four-armed symbols and brown hues, actually believe that the Federal Republic of Germany is not a nation at all, but an evil corporation run by... um... the international financial elite.
Sometimes, a few of these guys will get together in order to found the "real" German state. Usually they call it "German Empire" or something similar, as they believe that the German Empire is still in existence, because, you see, the FGR is just an evil corporation. These state-founding attempts tend to be very pathetic and end with the authorities having to explain to a bunch of lolcows that they are NOT a seperate nation and German law applies to them because they are still inside Germany. One of these attempts took place in Krampfer Castle, a very run-down place without electricity, running water or heating. A bunch of misfits made their own flag and declared the premises to be a newly founded nation. After a few weeks, the police kicked them out, due to authorities having decided that A.) Krampfer Castle was unfit for habitation, and B.) socially awkward lowlifes have to pay dog tax too.
Enter Peter Fitzek!
Peter, having been - among others - a chef, a video store owner, a bar owner, a clothing store owner and a Karate teacher, felt that he was cut out for more. Far more! After all, he could feel angels communicating and telling him that he was destined for greatness, and his girlfriend could even see said angels! After running for mayor of the city Wittenberg and even for federal parliament and receiving a smashing fraction of 1% of votes, Peter decided he was done with the evil j... international-financial-elite-run corporation called Federal Republic of Germany. What the Germans needed was true freedom - freedom from the... international financial elite stealing all of their money and Americans telling them what to do. And who was going to lead them to freedom? Guess!
When Germans want to achieve an end, they tend to found a "Verein". This word can roughly be translated as "club", but it is a bit more from a legal viewpoint: In case your Verein fullfills certain very loosely defined criteria of beeing useful to the public, it can enjoy tax exempts and some other privileges. There are Vereine for sports, education, fishing, hiking, BDSM, knitting, drinking tea and other stuff.
In 2009, Peter founded the Verein NeuDeutschland (NewGermany). In his imagination, if his Verein got enough members, it would be granted the right to make laws and raise taxes and evolve into a constitutional monarchy governing Germany. Apart from this being nonsense, the Verein didn't get the hundreds of thousands of members Peter hoped for. So, once again, being a man of action, he took things into his own hands and in 2012 founded the Kingdom of Germany with a few hundred of fans on the estate of a former hospital in Wittenberg which he had bought. You can watch the royal coronation ceremony here - no need to understand German (Peter just spouts a lot of crap), just enjoy the kingly atmosphere and show.
From then on, things got really really lulzy.
Peter's kingdom - he had decided that constitutional monarchies were for losers, his country was going to be an absolute monarchy - now consisted of a 9 hectare estate (with the old hospital), an office in an industrial building and Peter's store "Engelswelten" ("Angel Worlds") which dealt in esoteric crap, plus some 200 citizens which usually were rather naive fans and activits hoping to set things right in Germany.
The flag of the Kingdom of Germany. It resembles... something.
The first thing Peter needed to get his kingdom going was, of course, money. Therefore, becoming his subject is a kinda expensive affair, you have to pay a few hundred Euros for the honor of being allowed to listen to a lengthy lecture by Peter about his monarchy and his... unusual views on politics and take a test afterwards the result of which will decide whether you're fit to kiss your FRG citizenship goodbye and enter Utopia.
In order to make lotsa moar moneys, Peter also founded a banking institution, called the Reichsbank (Imperial Bank). Please note that beginning the name of any kind of institution with "Reich-" leaves a very bad aftertaste in Germany because of.
The Reichsbank is very happy to take your burdensome Euros and change them into the crisp new currency created by Peter, called the Engel (meaning "Angel" plus being a backronym for "Ein Neues GELd" = "A New Money").
Saskia, manager of the Reichsbank.
(No, don't join the Kingdom. DON'T!!! It's a very bad idea...)
And here are the Engel bills. Pretty colors.
This wouldn't have been so bad since Peter had declared his pretty Engel bills to be works of art, and it is of course legal to sell works of art or use them for barter (a surprising number of small businesses the owners of which are fans of Peter accept the Engel as payment). Things got unpleasant for him and lulzy for the rest of the universe when the Reichsbank began to offer banking accounts. This would have required a banking permit to be legal, and a permit Peter didn't have, nor did he, at least according to his own imagination, need one as he was the king of a seperate state. The BaFin (a governmental agency controlling banking and insurance businesses) was of a very different opinion and began to watch Peter closely, especially since he had also started his own health insurance (again without a permit) the aim of which was to offer holistic healing, meditation, prayer and similarly reliable medical methods to its customers. After all, who would be so foolish to treat cancer with the evil corrupt international financial elite medicine practiced in hospitals aorund the world??
Since he was the ruler of his own country, Peter decided that he didn't need the EU licence plate on his car anymore, nor his driving licence. He created his own royal licence plate and made himself a new kingly driving licence (for which he bought a very expensive special printer for official[-looking] documents). In order to provoke German authorities into accepting his kingdom as a sovereign state, Peter drove to the police station immediately and explained matters to some surprised cops. These tried to convince the king that he was not allowed to drive without an EU licence plate and driving licence, but the monarch just grinned and drove away, believing that soon the German government would be forced to accept that the kingdom was a real, sovereign nation.
While tabloids like the infamous BILD-Zeitung (somewhat similar to "National Enquirer" or the "Sun") greedily gobbled up the whacky royal antics, the authorities soon became fed up. When a lady at Wittenberg city council tried to reason with Peter, he roughly grabbed her arm and told her that he was arresting her for high treason. A similar but even more lulzy incident happened when Peter entered the elementary school where his son is taught (relax, folks, he doesn't have custody of the child) and got into a fight with two teachers who tried to keep him from stealing a book. WAIT WUT?? Well, it was an illustrated children's book of the "where do babies come from?" type which explains sex and reproduction in simple words and pictures. King Peter was of the opinion that introducing children to the basics of sex at too young an age (sex ed happens in the 2nd grade of elementary school in Germany) makes them more susceptible to brainwashing by the international financial elite and since the school wouldn't exempt his son from it, his Highness decided to take action and remove the corresponding textbook.
Like a certain autistic individual from Virginia, USA, the king is very prone to getting banned from places!
So, what else happens in that jolly kingdom? According to ex-followers, nothing very pleasant. Peter, who is convinced he was sent by God, is quite a king alright... he bullies people, doesn't accept different opinions from his own and behaves like a regular tyrant. Once you've become his subject, be ready to do A LOT of unpaid work, such as gardening (kingdom's gotta look pleasant!), cooking, organizing illegal banking schemes and helping Peter with a number of strange projects. Among these, he plans to return the hospital to working order so that finally AIDS, cancer and other diseases can be treated with super-effective meditation, homeopathy, praying and healing amulets instead of all the harmful scientific medications invented by the international financial elite in order to ruin the German people's health. There's also a university in the pipeline, where the teachings of the king will be the curriculum. According to their website, this school will be similar to the best private elite colleges. And there's the Reichstechnologiezentrum (Imperial Technology Center) where the king's inventors are busy with a pyrolysis machine which will turn garbage into diesel fuel and a perpetual motion machine which for some reason is always out of order when someone demands to see it in action.
Pyrolysis machines DO exist, but they're not magic thingies that turn waste into diesel fuel - rather, they break complex molecules up into smaller ones through application of heat, which means yes, it is possible to use them for fuel manufacture, but not by themselves (you'd need to add a petrochemical plant) and their operation is very complex and requires professional engineers whom King Peter doesn't have at his disposal. Rather, his inventor staff has stopped working on the pyrolysis machine due to it creating foul smells. This may have been the most intelligent thing ever done in that kingdom (apart from people leaving it), since amateurs fooling around with such a device would be likely to poison themselves or others through toxic waste products.
The great thing about King Peter is that he produces a steady stream of content. More a RL lolcow than the intarwebz kind, he provides entertainment through his delusional political beliefs, huge ego and personal grandeur, idiotic projects and especially his many run-ins with the powers-that-be who simply refuse to accept that Peter is the king of Germany who can make his own laws and that the FRG is defunct due to being an evil corporate entity created by greedy, hook-nosed people.
Banking and offering "health insurance" without a permit. Driving a car with home-made licence plate and driver's licence at kingly speeds (His Highness is infamous for speeding). Assaulting a secretary at city hall... the police and several official German state authorities have by now quite a file on the king, which also holds a large number lengthy rambling letters he has written to them. In these, he uses pluralis maiestatis ("Wir"="We" instead of "ich"="I") and calls himself Imperator Fiduziar (Emperor Fiduziar - being a king just isn't the limit!). When His Highness returned from vacations in Marocco a few weeks ago, he found a letter in his royal mailbox, which gently informed him that his case will go to court and there could be 2 years of must-not-drop-soap in store for him.
The king isn't impressed, though. "This will take time, the courts work slowly", he said. "Before they reach any conclusion I will have overthrown the Federal Republic of Germany."
Here's an English language article on the king.
And a documentary with English subtitles:
[youtube]KUU8CXqWPNQ[/youtube]
Here's the kingdom's homepage (German) ~ read their constitution in English
If you can read German, here's a rather extensive blog with articles about the king
...or just enjoy these royal images:
Peter with his home-made driving licence.
An elephant and a less intelligent creature.
Aaaand here's the flag once more!
The king's ride. With a home-made licence plate.
Royal fanart!
MOAR fanart!
