Surreal Phone Calls - What's your best?

[Jaimas]

So I was making dinner, and suddenly I get a phone call from an unknown number. I answer, and it turns out it's the retirement community my mom was at. They inform me that, apparently, my mother engaged in a wheelchair-bound fist-fight with another patient.

Nobody was injured, and all evidence is that no real harm came of it, but they're legally obligated to inform me of it happening. As I'm talking with the staffer, however, I'm fighting the urge not to laugh my ass off because this is playing in my mind as I'm talking to her.

So Kiwis, I ask you: What is the most surreal phone call you've received? Share your own examples.

 

[Kalpazoid]

Am Batman

 

[drain]

Some random dude called my house saying that my dad was being holding hostage and that my family should pay about 40000 dollars to have him back.
I looked at my dad, who was sitting on his chair watching TV and said, in my best panicked voice "Ok, give me an adress so I can drop the money! Please don't hurt my dad, please!". After that, I hung the phone and ate a turkey sandwich. Maybe the dude is still waiting for me, who knows...

 

[Daughter of Cernunnos]

 

[Deez Nuts]

Some random dude called my house saying that my dad was being holding hostage and that my family should pay about 40000 dollars to have him back.
I looked at my dad, who was sitting on his chair watching TV and said, in my best panicked voice "Ok, give me an adress so I can drop the money! Please don't hurt my dad, please!". After that, I hung the phone and ate a turkey sandwich. Maybe the dude is still waiting for me, who knows...

I've heard of stuff like that before. I knew a guy that got a text message that had a picture of someone hung from a bridge in a noose and the text (in spanish) said "and you too". It's some extortion thing if you call or message them back they will start threatening you and your whole family unless you give them cash. They don't know you, they just randomly got your number.

 

[Jaimas]

I remember when I was still taking care of mom, something I used to do was that every time I signed up for something, I did so in my cat's name. My old AOL account, my old bank account, stuff like that. This used to result in some fucking amazing conversations when what was obviously a Telemarketer would call and ask to speak to Pooka.

"Hello, this is Totally-Not-Shady Credit Services. Is Pooka available?"

 

[Henry Bemis]

I didn't receive this phone call, but it's too good not to mention.

A few years ago while working on a show, during dinner break, one of the actresses said she got an odd scam phone message from some heavily accented gentleman of the "you just won ten thousand dollars" variety. Everyone in the room goaded her to call the number back. She did, putting him on speaker. And then she proceeded to fuck with this guy - who, first of all, was vaguely surprised that someone took his bait, and secondly, was clearly trying and failing to stay one step ahead of his mark - for about twenty minutes. She asked all sorts of jargon-y yet legally sound questions about how she could go about claiming her money. At one point, she had to remind the guy what his scam was, and he didn't stop for a second to regroup, he just ploughed on. I think, eventually, a brand new car was also involved. It escalated quickly, and everyone else was doing their damnedest not to laugh.

The call ended when, after the actress made it clear that she didn't believe this offer was legitimate, the gentleman suddenly proposed marriage.

Best twenty minutes ever.

 

[Sailor_Jupiter]

I've gotten calls from money and tech-related scammers with Hindi accents. I have no idea how they got my number (we're only friends with one or two Asian-Indian families, and they're great people- DEFINITELY not scammers!) but when the scammers call, I like to take them for a wild ride- after all, the time I'm playing with them, they can't use to scam someone now gullible. One guy pretended to be from Microsoft, and wanted me to go to a not-suspicious-at-all-right website to download software to "help update" my computer. I played along for a while, pretending to have all sorts of problems getting to the website (I didn't even turn my comp on) until it hit him that I was basically trolling him. My only regret is that I couldn't string him along for even longer.

I know a friend IRL who always deals with telemarketers by singing opera songs to them in a foreign language. He's very cultured and loves classics, but his voice could break window panes! They almost never call him back anymore. He accidentally discovered the golden, only effective method of repelling them...

 

[Ntwadumela]

It wasn't a phone call, but long ago I had an unknown number traced to Lebanon send me a text message saying that he/she was a member of the Illuminati and told me not to tell anyone, and even offered me to join. I didn't buy into that bullshit needless to say. It might've been one of my friends trying to fuck around, or a stranger, I don't know.

 

[Caddchef]

When i bought my first house we decided, for our own convenience, to keep the number, as it turned out this was a mistake.

Things were fine at first, but then odd calls began to come through.

Unfortunately all but one was answered by my partner, but the one i did answer i will forever remember:

It got off to a poor start, the caller was an older sounding man, he spoke with a meak, quiet voice with a strong local accent, "hello" he said, "is that "madame whiplash?".

Now children, Caddchef is a 6'4" man and i speak like one but a negative response didn't deture our entrepid deviant.

"Are you sure?" he replied.

This went on for a bit but in the end and with a sigh hung up, he wasn't going to have his hair pulled and called a dirty girl tonight.

 

[Jaimas]

It wasn't a phone call, but long ago I had an unknown number traced to Lebanon send me a text message saying that he/she was a member of the Illuminati and told me not to tell anyone, and even offered me to join. I didn't buy into that bullshit needless to say. It might've been one of my friends trying to fuck around, or a stranger, I don't know.

I'm reminded of the naming scheme for my friend's Wireless Network, which had him naming them things like "FBI/NSA/CIA/ATF/DHS Surveillance Van."

 

[Pina Colada]

A few months ago while I was home alone, I got an unknown call from some guy who claimed to be a distant cousin of mine living in California. I didn't know anybody who lived there, so we had a short but very awkward conversation. When I told my mom about it, she thought it was weird at first until she remembered a few relatives of hers who resided on the west coast (Granted, she hasn't been in touch with them, either).

We didn't bring it up again since.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

I've gotten calls from money and tech-related scammers with Hindi accents.

I think I have too. That's why I normally let voicemail take all my calls.

Fun fact: India has a real problem with scammers.

 

[Bluebird]

Several years ago when I was a little kid, I wanted to call my neighbor to ask him something but called the wrong person instead. The guy that answered sounded exactly like him. Our conversation was:

Me: Hello, is this Mr. O'Conor?
Him: No, it isn't.
Me: You're not?
Him: No.
Me: Really?
Him: Yes.
Me: You sure?
Him: YES.

I didn't believe the guy at first because my neighbor has a dry humor and this is something i could see him doing, but the guy was obviously getting mad so i hung up.

 

[piripiri]

Years ago I had a girl ring me loads of times. She always remained anonymous. I spoke to her for a few hours over the course of a dozen phonecalls or so but never met and still to this day have no idea who it was. She knew a crazy amount of detail of my life. I blocked her number in the end.