Weird Bible Stories

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As much as the Bible is used to guide the lives of countless Christians, there is some pretty weird stuff in there. Disproportionate punishment, prostitution, the book of Ezekiel, etc. Please say which version of the Bible the story is from. Also stick to cannon. The Book of Enoch, while weird in its own way, was rejected for being too weird. I'm interested in what was weirdness the church was willing to endorse. Enoch is cannon to Ethiopians. Fair game.

Example:
At that time, Judah left his brothers and went down to stay with a man of Adullam named Hirah. 2 There Judah met the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua. He married her and made love to her; 3 she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, who was named Er. 4 She conceived again and gave birth to a son and named him Onan. 5 She gave birth to still another son and named him Shelah. It was at Kezib that she gave birth to him.

6 Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death.

8 Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.

11 Judah then said to his daughter-in-law Tamar,“Live as a widow in your father’s household until my son Shelah grows up.” For he thought, “He may die too, just like his brothers.” So Tamar went to live in her father’s household.

12 After a long time Judah’s wife, the daughter of Shua, died. When Judah had recovered from his grief, he went up to Timnah, to the men who were shearing his sheep, and his friend Hirah the Adullamite went with him.

13 When Tamar was told, “Your father-in-law is on his way to Timnah to shear his sheep,” 14 she took off her widow’s clothes, covered herself with a veil to disguise herself, and then sat downat the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. For she saw that, though Shelah had now grown up, she had not been given to him as his wife.

15 When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face. 16 Not realizing that she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, “Come now, let me sleep with you.”

“And what will you give me to sleep with you?”she asked.

17 “I’ll send you a young goat from my flock,” he said.

“Will you give me something as a pledge until you send it?” she asked.

18 He said, “What pledge should I give you?”

“Your seal and its cord, and the staff in your hand,” she answered. So he gave them to her and slept with her, and she became pregnant by him. 19 After she left, she took off her veil and put on her widow’s clothes again.

20 Meanwhile Judah sent the young goat by his friend the Adullamite in order to get his pledgeback from the woman, but he did not find her.21 He asked the men who lived there, “Where is the shrine prostitute who was beside the road at Enaim?”

“There hasn’t been any shrine prostitute here,” they said.

22 So he went back to Judah and said, “I didn’t find her. Besides, the men who lived there said, ‘There hasn’t been any shrine prostitute here.’”

23 Then Judah said, “Let her keep what she has,or we will become a laughingstock. After all, I did send her this young goat, but you didn’t find her.”

24 About three months later Judah was told, “Your daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution, and as a result she is now pregnant.”

Judah said, “Bring her out and have her burned to death!”

25 As she was being brought out, she sent a message to her father-in-law. “I am pregnant by the man who owns these,” she said. And she added, “See if you recognize whose seal and cord and staff these are.”

26 Judah recognized them and said, “She is more righteous than I, since I wouldn’t give her to my son Shelah.” And he did not sleep with her again.

27 When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. 28 As she was giving birth, one of them put out his hand; so the midwife took a scarlet thread and tied it on his wrist and said, “This one came out first.” 29 But when he drew back his hand, his brother came out, and she said, “So this is how you have broken out!” And he was named Perez. 30 Then his brother, who had the scarlet thread on his wrist, came out. And he was named Zerah.
Summary:
>Judah has children.
>Judah's firstborn, Er, gets married to Tamar.
>Er is killed by God.
>Judah tells his second son, Onan, to get Tamar pregnant.
>Onan feels weird about fucking his brother's widow, and doesn't get her pregnant, is thereafter killed by God because of it.
>Judah tells Tamar to wait until his third son is grown up.
>After many years, Judah mistakes Tamar for a prostitute, and gets his daughter-in-law pregnant.
>Tamar gives birth to twins.
>This is all written as an interjection in the story of Joseph, between when Joseph was sold into slavery and when Joseph started interpreting dreams for the Pharaoh.

Why was this necessary? Why not just say "Judah had three kids with one wife and two with another." Now his degenerate incest story is recorded for all time.
 
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I am surprised you didn't use the one where a guy lets a mob rape his daughter outside his house, then dismembers her and sends her parts to all the corners of Judea.
 
Deuteronomy 22:28-29:
28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

Personally I think it's weird that you should pay anything more than 20 shekels.
And you have to marry her?! That will make for some weird and awkward dinners. She'd be like "you raped me" and I'd be like "certainly wasn't worth the 50 shekels I can tell you that".
 
I am surprised you didn't use the one where a guy lets a mob rape his daughter outside his house, then dismembers her and sends her parts to all the corners of Judea.
In those days Israel didn’t have a king.

There was a Levite who lived deep in the hill country of Ephraim. He got a concubine from Bethlehem in Judah. 2 But she wasn’t faithful to him. She left him. She went back to her parents’ home in Bethlehem in Judah. She stayed there for four months. 3 Then her husband went to see her. He tried to talk her into coming back with him. He had his servant and two donkeys with him. She took her husband into her parents’ home. When her father saw him, he gladly welcomed him. 4 His father-in-law, the woman’s father, begged him to stay. So the Levite remained with him for three days. He ate, drank and slept there.

5 On the fourth day they got up early. The Levite prepared to leave. But the woman’s father said to his son-in-law, “Have something to eat. It will give you strength. Then you can go on your way.” 6 So the two of them sat down. They ate and drank together. After that, the woman’s father said, “Please stay tonight. Enjoy yourself.” 7 The man got up to go. But his father-in-law talked him into staying. So he stayed there that night. 8 On the morning of the fifth day, the Levite got up to go. But the woman’s father said, “Have something to eat. It will give you strength. Wait until this afternoon!” So the two of them ate together.

9 Then the man got up to leave. His concubine and his servant got up when he did. But his father-in-law, the woman’s father, spoke to him again. “Look,” he said. “It’s almost evening. The day is nearly over. So spend another night here. Please stay. Enjoy yourself. Early tomorrow morning you can get up and go back home.” 10 But the man didn’t want to stay another night. So he left. He went toward Jebus. Jebus is also called Jerusalem. The Levite had his two donkeys and his concubine with him. The donkeys had saddles on them.

11 By the time the travelers came near Jebus, the day was almost over. So the servant said to his master, “Come. Let’s stop at this Jebusite city. Let’s spend the night here.”

12 His master replied, “No. We won’t go into any city where strangers live. The people there aren’t Israelites. We’ll continue on to Gibeah.” 13 He added, “Come. Let’s try to reach Gibeah or Ramah. We can spend the night in one of those places.” 14 So they continued on. As they came near Gibeah in Benjamin, the sun went down. 15 They stopped there to spend the night. They went to the city’s main street and sat down. But no one took them home for the night.

16 That evening an old man came into the city. He had been working in the fields. He was from the hill country of Ephraim. But he was living in Gibeah. The people who lived there were from the tribe of Benjamin. 17 The old man saw the traveler in the main street. He asked, “Where are you going? Where did you come from?”

18 The Levite answered, “We’ve come from Bethlehem in Judah. We’re on our way to Ephraim. I live deep in the hill country there. I’ve been to Bethlehem. Now I’m going to the house of the Lord. But no one has taken me home for the night. 19 We have straw and feed for our donkeys. We have food and wine for ourselves. We have enough for me, the woman and the young man with us. We don’t need anything.”

20 “You are welcome at my house,” the old man said. “I’d be happy to supply anything you might need. But don’t spend the night in the street.” 21 So the old man took him into his house and fed his donkeys. After the travelers had washed their feet, they had something to eat and drink.

22 They were inside enjoying themselves. But some of the evil men who lived in the city surrounded the house. They pounded on the door. They shouted to the old man who owned the house. They said, “Bring out the man who came to your house. We want to have sex with him.”

23 The owner of the house went outside. He said to them, “No, my friends. Don’t do such an evil thing. This man is my guest. So don’t do this terrible thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter. And here’s the Levite’s concubine. I’ll bring them out to you now. You can have them. Do to them what you want to. But don’t do such a terrible thing to this man.”

25 The men wouldn’t listen to him. So the Levite sent his concubine out to them. They forced her to have sex with them. They raped her all night long. As the night was ending, they let her go. 26 At sunrise she went back to the house where her master was staying. She fell down at the door. She stayed there until daylight.

27 Later that morning her master got up. He opened the door of the house. He stepped out to continue on his way. But his concubine was lying there. She had fallen at the doorway of the house. Her hands were reaching out toward the door. 28 He said to her, “Get up. Let’s go.” But there wasn’t any answer. Then he put her dead body on his donkey. And he started out for home.

29 When he reached home, he got a knife. He cut up his concubine. He cut her into 12 pieces. He sent them into all the territories of Israel. 30 Everyone who saw it spoke to one another. They said, “Nothing like this has ever been seen or done before. Nothing like this has happened since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Just imagine! We must do something! So let’s hear your ideas!”
It was his concubine, but still... Basically, it leads to a war where the tribe of Benjamin gets excommunicated from Israel.

I like when the guy goes blind because he sleeps underneath birds that poop in his eyes. Bad luck there pal :)

7 When the sun had set, I went and dug a grave and buried him. 8 And my neighbors laughed and said, “Is he still not afraid? He has already been hunted down to be put to death for doing this, and he ran away, yet here he is again burying the dead!” 9 That same night I washed myself and went into my courtyard and lay down by the wall of the courtyard; my face was uncovered because of the heat. 10 I did not know that there were sparrows on the wall; their fresh droppings fell into my eyes and produced white films. I went to physicians to be healed, but the more they treated me with ointments, the more my vision was obscured by the white films, until I became completely blind. For four years I remained unable to see. All my kindred were sorry for me, and Ahikar took care of me for two years before he went to Elymais.
Unlucky!
 
People always act aghast that there stories of really screwed up things in the Bible, but those are there to highlight
1. That All humans, even the ones to which God speaks with directly, have a sinful nature and do bad stuff
2. The need for a savior and a perfect atonement ( Jesus)
So no, the fact of it being written in the Bible is not the Bible endorsing the behavior necessarily as some bad actors attempt to say.

Having said that the song of Solomon is very weird and not a part of the Bible I care to read very much
 
Ezekiel being told to eat bread made from shit. That's pretty weird.
Close, he didn't make the bread from shit though, lol. He was instructed to use human shit in the fire he cooked it over. Thankfully God showed him mercy and said he doesn't need to use human shit and can use cow shit instead.

It was his concubine
My bad.
 
Some kids bully make fun of a priest by calling him bald. The priest prays to God and a bear comes out of the woods and eats the kids.
2 Kings 2:23-24 New International Version (NIV) “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys
 
1. That All humans, even the ones to which God speaks with directly, have a sinful nature and do bad stuff
2. The need for a savior and a perfect atonement ( Jesus)
This is a great answer for anything from the Old Testament, and I'd be surprised if y'all put anything from the New Testament in this particular box. However if that does happen someone ping me.
 
People always act aghast that there stories of really screwed up things in the Bible, but those are there to highlight
1. That All humans, even the ones to which God speaks with directly, have a sinful nature and do bad stuff
2. The need for a savior and a perfect atonement ( Jesus)
So no, the fact of it being written in the Bible is not the Bible endorsing the behavior necessarily as some bad actors attempt to say.

Having said that the song of Solomon is very weird and not a part of the Bible I care to read very much
I don't know, I think God killing you for being hesitant about getting your brother's widow pregnant is a bit much. Old Testament was kind of wild. But I do mostly agree with this, especially in stories like Sodom and Gamorrah. But that story isn't weird, imo, just super rad.

Edit: To be clear, the smiting was rad. Not the stuff they were actually doing in the cities.
 
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The Song of Solomon is not actually a poem written by a man to a woman but by God to the nation of Israel, and He sees her as a beautiful woman.

An allegory for wanting Israelites to be closer to God. Still, it kind of disenchants the romance of the poetry lol

Someone took the characteristics literally and drew what the idealized woman would look like and it’s safe for work, but kind of weird.
IMG_7297.jpeg
 
Okay, how about Balaam's talking donkey?
Numbers 22:28-30

New International Version

Balaam’s Donkey

28 Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

29 Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”

30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”

“No,” he said.
 
Okay, how about Balaam's talking donkey?
Are you questioning the content of it or simply the presence of a talking animal? I suspect the latter and the answer should be fairly obvious. The text itself states God opened the donkey's mouth. It wasn't the donkey talking but God talking through the donkey, and God can do anything so making a donkey talk is well within His ability.
 
Deuteronomy 22:28-29:


Personally I think it's weird that you should pay anything more than 20 shekels.
And you have to marry her?! That will make for some weird and awkward dinners. She'd be like "you raped me" and I'd be like "certainly wasn't worth the 50 shekels I can tell you that".
You damaged her family's goods, so no, you aren't allowed to Jew them. Pay the 50 shekels or get beheaded for fornication.
 
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