Write yourself into a Hallmark Christmas special

[Ido]

So the main rule is, NO SEX. Hallmark movies never have any sex, none. but you can push it a bit as long as both characters remain innocent virgins (unless hot father has a kid)

the formula is as follows (try not to stray)
1. you are a pure innocent snowflake who love's the spirit of Christmas and as such are VERY festive
2. Hot member of the opposite sex, name a kiwi!
3.you and kiwi grow closer!

ex 1. meet at an airport and have a wacky run in, end up snowed in and have to put up with each other
ex 2. you are working in a hotel and a prince/princess is there, sees you and because you did the right thing giving them there thing back, they hire you as the nanny and you get to live in a castle
ex 3. you meet an uptight asshole and you decide to show him the true meaning of Christmas
ex 4. House Swap! and both of the house swappers end up meeting people of the opposite gender
ex 5. you teach a hot guys kid in school, his wife has passed away and now you two spend every waking moment together​

4. Love!
5. Make up a stupid argument! "they sold my paintings because I'm good, but all they want is money!!!!! WAAAAAAA"
6. make up "Oh shit, them selling it was in my best interest, nm I luv them!"
7. KISS (or diss)
8. Le Fin~

@yawning sneasel had just stolen a shit ton of furry fetish porn from the local furry porn bank (it's currency in this world), he bumped into Ido who bitched him out for running into her. As he was running from the cops, he had no choice but to drag her along with him with out telling her the reason. The two hated each other for a while, as Ido was BASICALLY kidnapped but lol Christmas so the two hid out in Sneasels hidden house in the forest. the two of them talked about bs Christmas traditions and drank themselves into passing out. Soon they adored each other! but the coppers found them and arrested Yawning, Ido was heart broken when she learned of his stolen yiff stash so she went home and cried. She was SO mad, she was never gonna talk to him again, but then Ido heard a little voice "Ido-chan, this is God desu~ he is the one, go to him" and Ido agreed because she was drunk af. She went to the jail and explained her love, but Sneasel said

"My only love is yiff"

so Ido went and killed herself.

 

[Kiwi Jeff]

Secretary Santa
Starring @Kiwi Jeff
@A Hot Pizza
And @Y2K Baby
​

@Kiwi Jeff is an up and coming business man who can't wait to celebrate Christmas with his parents who he hasn't seen all year. Business is tough, but with his wingman, @A Hot Pizza, he always pulls through. Until one day @Y2K Baby, a new intern, nearly ruins a meeting, and Jeff has to clean up their mess.

It turns out that @Y2K Baby has been assigned as his new secretary for the holidays. "Funny moments" ensue in a montage of them poorly working together on a case for an important client. Meanwhile, the boss announces that the company's going to hold a Secret Santa on Christmas Eve. Everyone picks names out of a hat, and Jeff gets Baby.

As the days go on, Jeff is freaking out about what to get Baby, so he decides to head over to @A Hot Pizza's house. They hang out and play video games while Jeff asks him for gift ideas because of his success with women. We find out that Jeff has never even dated someone before because of his dedication to his job. Eventually, he helps Jeff find the perfect gift, an old toy that Baby used to have growing up that they repeatedly mentioned to Jeff, but he didn't notice because of how concentrated he was at work.

Time for Secret Santa because I'm skipping a ton of pointless scenes. The boss chooses Jeff to hand out the presents, and Jeff declares that he's going to have a little help from his secretary Santa. He and Baby pass out everyone's gifts and get to the last ones, the ones for each other. He watches Baby open their present, and then he opens his, it turns out to be a yarn gator. They realize that only they could have gotten these gifts for each other, and they kiss.

Roll credits

 

[Hen in a tie]

Tribute to the only other dolphin that I could ever love:

"Coming back for the Holidays"
Starring: @Hen in a tie , @thegurl, & @Modthatbannedthegurl
Christmas was right around the corner and @Hen in a tie was excited! Chrismas was Hen's favorite time of the year because Hen got to wear the most festive of Ties that no one else could judge because it was the season to wear those tacky ties. While Hen was wrapping some gifts for all the naughty children of Kiwi Farms Hen heard a knock on the door.
"Whos is it?" I called
"It's me @thegurl, can you hurry up it's too cold out here, and I'm so wet!"
Hen quickly opened up the door and brought their wings to embrace the wet and dorsal dolphin. "I'm so glad you made it! I was beginning to think you were going to ditch me and leave all these gift wrapping to myself!"
"Are you kidding? I love kiwi farms, I just want everyone to be happy!" thegurl smiled
The next day Hen in a tie was going to thegurl's house to wrap gifts. Thegurl had the idea to also gift wrap at her house so that we could evenly split the mess we were about to make. I knock on the door.
"Thegurl it's me! Can you open up please? Feather's aren't exactly warm!" I kept on knocking but there was no one at the door. "Thegurl plz I'm not enough of a fat fuk to survive the winter." In a panic I decided to break in the house by charging at the window only to find that the house was already broken into! I begin to panic even more. "Thegurl!! Thegurl!!! Where are you?!"
I cried and cried until I found a note on the floor:
"You don't belong here
-@Modthatbannedthegurl"
I started to cri, where on earth was my dolphin? I ran around the neighborhood eventually going back to my place. Didn't bother to call the cops because I know I can do a way better job at finding a missing person and not let @thegurl's family know about it while they wonder and cry in worry.
I got home and I saw my house was also broken into. I run inside to find all the gifts already wrapped up. There was a note attached to one of the gifts. The gift was for me.
"Dear @Hen in a tie , I'm sorry I had to go, I'm no longer welcomed here, i'm scared that you'll get slammed into a wall then turned into a kfc $5 meal. So please don't worry about me.
-@thegurl"
I bawked louder than any Hen in a tie has ever bawked before! I was so heart broken. I lost my precious aquatic mammal. I was so grief stricken that I through the gift across the room. When the present landed a loud shattering noise came from it. I opened the box to find shattered glass from a picture frame.
The picture was a shitty drawn picture of hentai.
I burned all the gifts because I was miss gendered as Hentai when I'm a Hen in a tie.
Le fin.
​

 

[Kiwi Jeff]

I cri evertim

 

[A Hot Potato]

Niggers and Kikes.

@A Hot Pizza is being his usual fagggot self, making shitty music and gaming videos inbetween working a meh job and putting that useless fucking dumb nigger cunt @Y2K Baby in their place.

He find out that Oatmeal squares are being discounted, but with a catch!

The first one to make it to the Oatmeal Squares main factory and win a draw would receive a life time supply for some autistic reason, with the draw happening on Christmas.

Of course, since @A Hot Pizza can't drive, he had to call his friend @Kiwi Jeff, fresh from a date with his useless cunt girlfriend @Y2K Baby, to drive him.

Near the start of their epic misadventure, a series of funny coincidences leads to them getting pulled over by @Somari1996 , who has become a police officer for reasons.

But due to some more funny coincidences, she ends up riding with them undercover, following a group of notorious hacker 4chan, who is also going to the draw, as part of a plan to destroy existence.

At first, tension is high between @A Hot Pizza and @Somari1996 , since @A Hot Pizza is a piece of shit and causes many funny incidents, which @Kiwi Jeff and @Somari1996 naturally have to clean up.

However, @A Hot Pizza and @Somari1996 n start following for one another, and start being put through romantic shit by @Kiwi Jeff, as to repay my helping him with that ugly cum dumpster @Y2K Baby.

Regardless, we arrive on Christmas Eve on the Oatmeal Squares Factory.

However, @A Hot Pizza inadvertently is fooled by 4chan into helping him with his plans.

This of course angers @Somari1996 , and she arrests me because I am a faggot.

However, @Kiwi Jeff, with the help of the for once useful @Y2K Baby, convince her that I am innocent, and she realizes the mistake she's made.

Through a zany car chase involving cameos by @Rat Speaker, @NIGGO KILLA, and @yawning sneasel, as well as 1000 dragon dildos, 4chan is caught and the day is saved.

Of course, @A Hot Pizza doesn't win the draw, with the winner being @AnOminous.

Still, @A Hot Pizza and @Somari1996 end up together, and we all lived happily ever after.

Except for @Y2K Baby, who died of aids 2 weeks later.

The movie receives 11% on Rottentomatoes, but ends up being a massive box office success.

 

[Somar]

@A Hot Pizza is a successful banker who lives in a San Francisco townhouse with @Somari1996, his fiancée. @Somari1996, however, having become dissatisfied with her life and @A Hot Pizza , seduces his best friend, @Kiwi Jeff and the two begin a secret affair. As the wedding date approaches and @A Hot Pizza's influence at his bank slips, @Somari1996 alternates between glorifying and vilifying @A Hot Pizza to her family and friends, both making false accusations of domestic abuse and defending @A Hot Pizza against criticisms. Meanwhile, @A Hot Pizza, having overheard @Somari1996 confess her infidelity to her mother, attaches a tape recorder to their phone in an attempt to identify her lover.

@Y2K Baby, a neighboring student whom @A Hot Pizza financially and emotionally supports, has a run-in with an armed drug dealer named @showek, whom @A Hot Pizza and @Kiwi Jeff overpower and take into custody. @Y2K Baby also lusts after @Somari1996, ultimately confessing to @A Hot Pizza his attraction. @A Hot Pizza slowly begins spiraling into a mental haze and calls upon @ToroidalBoat, his and @Kiwi Jeff's psychologist friend. @ToroidalBoat alternates between defending @Somari1996 and assessing her as a sociopath which results in @Kiwi Jeff, feeling guilty about his and @Somari1996's affair, briefly trying to murder him.

At a Christmas party (which is only a christmas party so they could sell this movie as a holiday film) for @A Hot Pizza, one of his friends catches @Somari1996 kissing @Kiwi Jeff while the rest of the guests are outside and confronts her about the affair. @A Hot Pizza announces to the guests that he and @Somari1996 are expecting a child, only for @Somari1996 to tell the other guests that she lied about it. At the end of the evening, @Somari1996 flaunts her affair in front of @A Hot Pizza, who attacks @Kiwi Jeff.

After the party, @A Hot Pizza locks himself in the bathroom, prompting @Somari1996 to carry out leaving him for @Kiwi Jeff. @A Hot Pizza finally comes out of the bathroom and retrieves the cassette recorder he attached to the phone and listens to an intimate call between @Somari1996 and @Kiwi Jeff. @A Hot Pizza has an emotional breakdown, destroying his apartment and committing suicide via gunshot. Hearing the commotion, @Y2K Baby, @Kiwi Jeff and @Somari1996 rush up the stairs to find his body. @Kiwi Jeff and @Y2K Baby blame @Somari1996 for @A Hot Pizza's death, with @Kiwi Jeff abandoning her. @Y2K Baby asks @Somari1996 and @Kiwi Jeff to leave, but they stay and comfort one another as the police arrive.

 

[Deadpool]

It's Christmas, and @Y2K Baby hates Christmas. Ever since his parents got him a blue armed Sonic plushie instead of the one with flesh colored arms. Truly Christmas has no meaning if such a tragedy could occur.

Unfortunately his best friend @Rat Speaker, and girlfriend @entropyseekswork love Christmas, and are fed up with his shit. There is a huge fight about how Christmas is magical and everyone has to love it or they're literally satan. This causes @Y2K Baby to loudly reeeeeeeee and run off into the night.

@Y2K Baby finds himself infront of the Santa's Village at the local mall where he meets a magical man in a red suit. It's @Deadpool sleeping off a bender. @Y2K Baby bitches at @Deadpool about Christmas, and how all he'd wanted was the sonic with the flesh colored arms. @Deadpool kidnapps @Y2K Baby and forces him to watch "Jingle all the Way" on loop for 24 hours while he explains that Christmas is about giving and being together. Not Blanger.

@Y2K Baby chews through his own arm and escapes. Stopping to buy @Rat Speaker and @entropyseekswork expensive presents, decorations and a christmas dinner. He suprises them both and they all have a wonderful christmas. As @Y2K Baby cleans up afterwards he hears jingle bells and finds a large box on the formerly empty table. On it a note said "I know how badly your parents gift disappointed you. Hopefully this makes up for it, D.P."

@Y2K Baby tears the gift open gleefully expecting his new fleshy armed friend. Inside the box he sees his parents severed heads.

 

[Super Collie]

"Tying the Christmas Knot"
Starring: @Super Collie and @John Furrman

Super Collie is a jet-setting businesswoman on route to secure the biggest business deal in silicone horse cock history. She attends a Christmas party and because she's a fucking ditz she has a whole monologue scene where she wistfully talks about her Christmases as a child. John Furrman keeps making awkward eye contact with her for like the entire time. Uh oh, turns out after all this song and dance they're standing under mistletoe together! Awkward "I'm only going to be in town another couple days" / "I don't really like Christmas but wow this bitch's titties are like BLAM" kissing.

Big business meeting happens. Super Collie fucks everything up, stock in Big Silicone Horse Cock company starts to tick downward. She calls John Furrman and cries a bunch. They go on a dinner date. He inspires her to try again and channel her inner fire about Christmas to turn everything around. Next day Super Collie meets with Japanese investors again, this time revealing some stupid business bullshit that nobody talked about in the last meeting. Meeting is a total success, industry saved! Cue holiday themed music and business_success.mp4 montage.

Super Collie has to fly back home to Horse Dildo Factory City. Teary emotional scene in the airport with John Furrman. Fat fursuiter informs them that the holidays are about family and togetherness and all this other Christian family touchy-feely shit. Super Collie decides to stay and misses her flight back to the city to spend Christmas with John Furrman who has developed as a character and no longer dislikes the holidays. They walk out of shot, camera focuses on fat fursuiter who removes his head only to reveal HE'S FUCKING SANTA CLAUS.

Roll credits.

 

[Deadpool]

One Christmas @UserAnonymous (Thomas Lloyd) was sitting home alone, and hungry. He had been spending most of his time masturbating to pictures of Bart Simpson, or plotting ways to kill poor @WeeGee so he forgot to buy anything for christmas dinner. He sat and looked at his sad little christmas tree naked except for a single Bart Simpson ornament. His stomach grumbles and a single tear rolls down his cheek.

Then with a loud clatter a horrifying cat furry bursts into the room carrying 4 piping hot large supreme pizzas. "Santa, Obi wan, Homer?" Sputters @UserAnonymous (Thomas Lloyd)

No you fat fucking spastic I'm @A Hot Pizza. Then he was banned. And that's why we eat pizza on christmas...well that and because of crippling poverty.

 

[Kari Kamiya]

A Christmas pageant starring autistic children begins as the opening credits transition in and out. The scene goes on uninterrupted for three long minutes while the 100% attendance of heterosexual parents watch on adoringly. Focusing on a dark corner in the back, @Pina Colada is trying super hard not to burst out laughing or straight up heckle, but her snickers catch unwanted attention and she gets shown the door.

“Good riddance,” she grumps, and storms off to her dark, lonely apartment with no Christmas decorations to binge on some oldies anime. Except she discovers upon entering there now are lights on and Christmas decorations plastered everywhere, for @Kari Kamiya was putting them up with a large toothy smile on her little pixie face.

“I am the Spirit of Christmas!” she cheerily declares, nearly strangling @Pina Colada slipping on a necklace of popcorn around her neck.

“Oh my God, I'm dead!” @Pina Colada gasps, ready to sink into a chair. Of course she's not dead, but she might as well be so as to prevent the plot from kicking off. It's also too bad she's not a boy, because then she'd be more than willing to believe she's living one of her anime and gaining a moéblob of a magical girlfriend.

“There are no such things as grumps on Christmas!” @Kari Kamiya joyously exclaims as she plugs in the cord and the star on the Christmas tree sparks to life (complete with literal sparks that almost set the stockings on fire and electrical humming).

@Pina Colada wishes she could crawl into her covers and sink into darkness, but her anime covers were replaced with a patchwork quilt covered with happy elves. “Why are you doing this?” she moans. And why did it have to be elves? she thinks to herself.

“Because someone needs Jesus in her life this Christmas.”

As if by magic, starlight streams in through the window and @Jesus appears in all of His heavenly glory. “'Sup?”

And thus kicks off the story of redemption, miracles, and the true meaning of Christmas in the romantic-comedy “Jesus Loves You”, just in time for the holidays.





Coming Christmas 3050

 

[Fuck you jewish cunt]

Christmas Carol Crash

a Kiwi Farms fanfic starring @Fuck you jewish cunt , @Kiwi Jeff , @Y2K Baby , @Gooseunderscore , @A Hot Pizza , @Reynard , @Asuka , @Dynastia , @Deadpool , @NumberingYourState , @ICametoLurk and @Null

It was a knight on Chrismas, as @Fuck you jewish cunt was getting ready to board airplane 4U alongside his fellow furfags @Reynard and @Asuka . they were boarding the plane in order to go to Kiwi Island, a land filled with autist just like them. unfortunately, @Fuck you jewish cunt had fallen in love with the sex beast @Y2K Baby. Sadly, he was already @Kiwi Jeff 's fuck buddy, so @Fuck you jewish cunt could only a t@Y2K Baby 's picks he had obtained after he hacked @Kiwi Jeff 's computer book. However, the ghosts of Kiwi @Deadpool , @NumberingYourState , and @ICametoLurk made sure that @Y2K Baby would fall in love with the furfag. they started by telling @Y2K Baby about @Kiwi Jeff 's neo nazi porn addiction.

Sadly, this only furthered @Y2K Baby 's love for @Kiwi Jeff. upon hearing the news @Fuck you jewish cunt was about to commit suicide after @Null and @A Hot Pizza told him that @Kiwi Jeff would always be @Y2K Baby's fuck buddy. luckily, @Y2K Baby swooped in and saved the jewish cunt, and they embraced and did the kiss kiss. and the evil @Null @A Hot Pizza were killed by @Dynastia and @Kiwi Jeff was freed from there mind control. And then @Y2K Baby and @Fuck you jewish cunt were wed and @Gooseunderscore was their priest.

The End.

 

[Fuck you jewish cunt]

How I ded? Was it at least a cool death?

you, @NumberingYourState , and @ICametoLurk died trying to seal the Entersphere with Flex Tape and Flex Seal. After the autism from the Entersphere overtook the rest of the Spergatory @Null alongside you three went to seal it. Unfortunately @A Hot Pizza 's sperging in the Russell Geer thread resulted in the mission being botched and @Null 's child porn website was exposed. so that's why you died.

 

[Y2K Baby]

@Y2K Baby was in their bed with their funky little hat. @A Hot Pizza came in and smashed their legs with a baseball bat. @Kiwi Jeff did his famed gator dance but it was no use, the legs were boost..... @Y2K Baby cried and cried and yelled at the broken legs. They did not respond. They said sorry. And all was forgiven.

 

[GS 281]

Back in high school @yawning sneasel got their boyfriend banned from the internet by his parents. This was a few years ago when they had just met him... They would sit on Skype all day and chat. Things got a little hot and heavy and they developed a relationship. The would talk and eventually got a little frisky with one another. Play together got bland so they would cytube porn and synch it up so they could voice how hot they thought it was. They started mailing one another things. @yawning sneasel's boyfriend sent a hoodie and sneasel sent the boy their football jock strap. They were watching porn on cytube and a movie came up. It was a faggot gokkun flick. The boyfriend got into it. For the next month the boyfriend forced sneasel to watch that shit with him. Every. Single. Night. so one day sneasel goes to the mailbox and there is a mason jar. you know those glass ones? and on top there was a note and it said "you know what to do <3<3". so sneasel took it in their room and just watched porn for 3 days straight... Sneasel beat their dick like it owed money... Sneasel was just jacking and whacking like crazy trying to fill this jar. the typical mason jar is about 12 oz and the average load is about .05 oz. Sneasel jerked their cock about 2400 times to get enough spooge to send back to the boyfriend. just fillin er up. Sneasel sent it back to him and he received it. The last message sneasel received from him was "my mom wanted to say thanks for sending us some of the alfredo sauce you always talk about your mom making". Sneasel didn't hear from him again. his dad would send sneasel a mason jar once a month with hundred dollar bills stuffed in them. he paid sneasel's way through college.

 

[A Hot Potato]

Back in high school @yawning sneasel got their boyfriend banned from the internet by his parents. This was a few years ago when they had just met him... They would sit on Skype all day and chat. Things got a little hot and heavy and they developed a relationship. The would talk and eventually got a little frisky with one another. Play together got bland so they would cytube porn and synch it up so they could voice how hot they thought it was. They started mailing one another things. @yawning sneasel's boyfriend sent a hoodie and sneasel sent the boy their football jock strap. They were watching porn on cytube and a movie came up. It was a faggot gokkun flick. The boyfriend got into it. For the next month the boyfriend forced sneasel to watch that shit with him. Every. Single. Night. so one day sneasel goes to the mailbox and there is a mason jar. you know those glass ones? and on top there was a note and it said "you know what to do <3<3". so sneasel took it in their room and just watched porn for 3 days straight... Sneasel beat their dick like it owed money... Sneasel was just jacking and whacking like crazy trying to fill this jar. the typical mason jar is about 12 oz and the average load is about .05 oz. Sneasel jerked their cock about 2400 times to get enough spooge to send back to the boyfriend. just fillin er up. Sneasel sent it back to him and he received it. The last message sneasel received from him was "my mom wanted to say thanks for sending us some of the alfredo sauce you always talk about your mom making". Sneasel didn't hear from him again. his dad would send sneasel a mason jar once a month with hundred dollar bills stuffed in them. he paid sneasel's way through college.

Better love story than Twlight.


OH SNAP.

I AM SO CLEVER>

 

[Y2K Baby]

Better love story than Twlight.


OH SNAP.

I AM SO CLEVER>

You are!