Your Kiwi Dating Profile - for all you kissless basement dwelling virgins

[Monika H.]

My personal, early Christmas gift to all you Kiwis.
A dating space!

Fill out your profile by stating your

• Name
• Age range
• Gender
• What are you looking for
• Your qualities
• Your flaws
• Something about yourself

In the span of some days you'll be paired with the Kiwi most similar to you to begin a new and exciting adventure together! Good luck!

 

[ProgKing of the North]

Name: ProgKing of the North
Age: 26
Gender: penishaver
What I’m looking for: QT waifu tendiebot
Qualities: I can make sure that even the people who don’t think much of you can assure you you can do better, which I’ve heard is a real ego boost, shitposter extraordinaire
Flaws: I mean, have you read my posts?
Something about myself: I live in a society

 

[Jason Wynn]

Name: Autumnal Equinox

Age: Somewhere between 21 and 90

Gender: Dude

What I'm looking for: Someone to share intimate dice rolling, erotic movie riffing and sexy Monty Python quotes with.

Qualities: I'm the only Dungeon Master on the West Coast who owns his own home, has had sexual relations with another willing human, has excellent personal hygiene and isn't particularly unattractive. I'm the Chad of nerds.

Flaws: I'm a member of the alt-right bigoted group of supervillains known as the Kiwi Farmers.

Something About Myself: I saw a squirrel once

 

[Arctic Fox]

I'm married

 

[BingBong]

Name: BingBong
Age: 16
Gender: ALPHA MALE
What I'm looking for: housewife
Qualities: I'm a level 9000 shitposter
Flaws: I'm a lazy piece of shit
Something about myself: Gamer

 

[GlueAsLube]

Name: GlueAsLube
Age range: old enough
Gender: Wamen
What are you looking for: Big titty cyborg
Your qualities: I can balance a pencil on my finger it’s pretty neat
Your flaws: everything else
Something about yourself: tired

 

[Token Weeaboo]

Name: Token Weaboo

Age: 24-32

Gender: Male, yes

What I'm Looking for: A female who finds weird things interesting, or a hot anime wifu

Qualities: Vaguely knowledgeable about many things, yet autisticly knowledgeable about pointless things, will fight for nicest one here title, an unfunny smart ass many of the times

Flaws: hard time being the one to speak up first

Something about myself: Gamer boy, I haven't told someone to kill themselfs on here yet.

 

[Baby Jane Hudson]

Name: Elizabeth "Bette" Davis

Age range: I died in 1989

Gender: 100% Woman

What are you looking for: Drinkers, ruffians, but also a man I can dominate and have drunken brawls with at 2:30am when we have company over.

Your qualities: My eyes are stunning. I can be happy and cranky in the same sentence. I was happy when Joan Crawford died.

Your flaws: I killed my second husband by pushing him (while we were having a drunken brawl at 2:30am) and he hit his head on the stone fireplace in our home in New Hampshire. It didn't kill him immediately but about 2 weeks later while he was walking down the street in Los Angeles he collapsed.

Something about yourself: Everything that bitch daughter of mine wrote in that book of hers is a lie. But I had the last laugh, I totally disinherited her. Hah!

 

[ProgKing of the North]

I'm married

It’s ok, your body pillow is fine with an open marriage

 

[Maxliam]

I'm married

See gay marriage helped some people out!

 

[Flake452]

Name- You can call me Daddy.
Age- Old enough.
Gender- Same as Yaniv.
What I'm looking for- A hole.
Qualities- I drool a lot so I am guaranteed to get you wet.
Flaws- I spend my time on Kiwi Farms.
Something about myself- Uncircumcised like any self respecting white man.

 

[Glitched_Humanity]

• Name: Onii-chan
• Age range: 19-28
• Gender: male
• What are you looking for: friendship. I'm lonely and just want someone to talk to.
• Your qualities: None. Im a fucking loser.
• Your flaws: can only get off to cartoons because he finds real vaginas gross.
• Something about yourself: has 7.82tbs of porn and tons of old, 80s-00 animes.

 

[FierceBrosnan]

Name: Fierce Brosnan

Age: 36

Gender: Is not a social construct, fight me.

What I'm looking for: Someone innocent and easy to control that will will call me daddy.

Qualities: Birds, strong, works hard, insatiable sexual appetite, good at fixing things and could probably build a decent house given enough time.

Flaws: Workaholic, insatiable sexual appetite, goes from 0 to postal in about 5 seconds when something I'm convinced I'm finished working on decides to not be fixed, extremely burned out from life.

Something about me: Once you get to know me you find I'm more caring and empathetic than my demeanor lets on.

 

[Pomniman]

Name: Scamler L. Likely
Age range: 25-30
Gender: I identify as a poorly made counterfeit of a dollar bill
What are you looking for: a woman to mooch off of
Your qualities: n/a
Your flaws: broke, probably psychotic or something too
Something about yourself: I like reading pretentious postmodern fiction from the 1960s-1980s. This could've probably been listed as a flaw considering the tastes of most users of this site.

 

[The Reaper]

• Name: The Reaper
• Age range: 20-24
• Gender: Male
• What are you looking for: A woman who will listen to and laugh at my dumb jokes and just hang out. Also what Progking said: QT Waifu (but doesn't need to be a tendiebot, I like cooking)
• Your qualities: Music and dumb humor. I play a lot of music so if you just want serenaded I can do it. I'm an anorexic Kiwi that weighs far less than the 400 lbs average we maintain, and while I'm not /fit/ I'm also not a slouch. I can have a good sense of humor every once in a while.
• Your flaws: I'm here, that's one. I also have an aversion to phones so I am hard to reach sometimes.
• Something about yourself: I can also juggle. That means I'm fast with my hands.

 

[The Last Stand]

• Name - The Last Stand
• Age range - 25+
• Gender - Male
• What are you looking for? Intelligence, sass, an older woman so I could feel useful
• Qualities. I'm a young adult so I could make you feel experienced. I like to learn. I could boost your ego.
• Weakness. I'm black. Enough said.
• Something about yourself. Hmmm, college student. Enthusiasm. Like to eat.

 

[YourMommasBackstory]

• Name: YaMomma
• Age range: 25-30
• Gender: female
• What are you looking for: greencard.
• Your qualities: i can cook and play vidya with you
• Your flaws: I draw furries so you have to get used to looking at vore art.
• Something about yourself: i'm extremely introverted so after every social gathering i need to stay home for weeks.

 

[heyilikeyourmom]

• Name: Testaclese Maximus (inb4 “i fucking knew it, nobody else could be that funny and handsome”)
• Age range: 18-18.3
• Gender: large male
• What are you looking for: booty
• Your qualities: flawless body, large genitals, a vast wealth of knowledge and money, good listener, chiseled jawline, massive collective of slaves waiting for me in the afterlife
• Your flaws: none and I’m also allergic to condoms
• Something about yourself: I put out on the first date. It’s not optional.

 

[BigTimeSamurai]

• Name: BigTimeSamurai
• Age range: 20-24
• Gender: Better than you
• What are you looking for: Björk (circa 1993) or the next best thing.
• Your qualities: Sleeps 2 hours a day, physically fit, excellent cook, can play the piano and I am an expert forager.
• Your flaws: A terminal case of the Yellow Fever and unironically enjoys watching wrestling as an adult.
• Something about yourself: I once won a fight against a peacock at Bristol zoo

 

[L50LasPak]

Hey baby, A/S/L?

Oh shit this is a dating site not AOL chat.