Prison Letters Chris writes me from Prison (dated September 19th, 2021)

[Reverend]

Ladies and gentlemen, let's be honest with ourselves. I don't think there's much that anyone can do for him anymore especially if he gets convicted.

He has no previous save state to load and start over from, and must persist in this doomed world that he has created.

Nahh, it's "New Game+" for Chris if/and only if help is there for him and he takes it to heart and works it. People can and do change when they come out of prison, most do not hence the sterotype of Repeat Offenders.

If christ gets prison he will get put into solitary, he cannot go General Population (GP) as he will get beaten because he is...ChrisChan and he's gonna lip out he's famous on the internets. He will be brought into some prison gang in GP just for shits and giggles, his food and money will be stolen and he'll be in the hospital more than the cell.

His only recourse is to go in with the Lifers or Old Folks where they will treat him like one of their idiot children and he can "survive" there.

I have no idea if they'll move him to a Sex Offender/Predator only prison, no clue what VA does. If he doesn't get into a "home" of some sort his life expectancy is measured in years not decades.

 

[Ricardo Cumsox]

The Christ Chan era is upon us. Praise be.

 

[Professor Iris]

Anybody who suggested that Chris needs to get a job need to realize that Chris by his very nature is unemployable.
Putting aside things such as his long stint without any work and his atrocious Google search results, would you honestly want Chris to be the face of your company as a CSR?

Let me break it down for you:
1) Chris brings unwanted attention to any place he'll work. The second somebody sees him behind a counter, there will be a thousand idiot weens yelling JULAAAAAY on the company phones, or asking the boss of whatever McDonald's hired him if they're aware of Chris putting his 'secret sauce' in the Fanta dispenser. I guarantee you that Chris would be gone within a week if that keeps up.

2) Chris has problems with authority. There will come a time where he will fall out with a co-worker or his superior over something he does, and instead of sitting down and discussing things like rational human beings, Chris will go on about the trolls, or if he really gets annoyed, do shit like draw stupid caricatures of the people who grind his gears (which got him fired from Wendy's) or launch a CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HAAA in the boss's face, which he did way back in PVCC. Tell me one company that would put up with that bullshit.

3) Chris's work ethic fucking sucks. Chris is more apt to wasting time playing Pokemon Go than being productive, unless it's his Sonichu shit, then he'll focus on that. If it's not something that appeals to him, he'll do it reluctantly if he does it at all. I can picture him drawing his comics behind the counter while angry customers are screaming at him that they've been waiting 30 minutes to get a Filet-O-Fish while the kitchen behind him burns down. Well okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but a more realistic scenario would be Chris finding some corner of the restaurant to draw his comics before somebody gets annoyed enough to fetch him and yell, "Chandler! You've got work to do!" Also, the thought of Chris diligently waking up to go to a 9-5 job is laughable. He is definitely the kind to be late to work, if his statements about 'biological clocks' holds any water.

4) Communication with Chris is downright impossible. See that rambling letter he sent to Null? Yeah. Chris is not only inarticulate as fuck, but he takes forever to make a point, if he has one at all. A conversation about a can of Cheez Whiz going missing can de-evolve into Chris telling you about being tricked by the man in the Pickle Suit. Also, if Chris believes something, NOTHING you say can change his mind. Null flat-out told Chris that he's not some 'God' with divine powers, and that the latter is choosing to ignore him in favour of obvious trolls who tell him what he wants to hear. Chris's response is to be like, "DERP I HEARD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR" and go right back where the problem started. Also, I guarantee you that Chris is going to write some nasty shit about a MANAJERK he doesn't like for disciplining him, and said passage is going to cement the fact that Chris is completely insane.


Those are probably just the tip of the iceberg, there's probably more I'm missing. But my point is that even before Chris trooned out, these were problems he had from the start, and definitely would not improve. Really, the only thing he had going for him was to profit off of the cult-like following he had with his Sonichu comics, which would have made a decent living for him - had the bloody ass not used a significant amount of his funds to buy things that go straight up his butthole.

 

[Olive D. Cox]

Thanks for this, Null-- I was having a shitty day but this is like a ray of sunshine.
Fuckin hilarious.

 

[RodgerDodger]

That people still think he's just fucking lazy and needs to get a job is the most wtf shit in the world.

He needs to be in an institution. He should accept a plea deal where he gets into some sort of assisted living situation.

Most of us agree with you. Chris was failed decades ago by parents that basically chose to ignore his problems and instead “normalize” them. There is no path back nor much path forward with him. He will reoffend in some way. He will need some form of 24x7 supervision for the rest of his life.

 

[ResignedCustodes]

Is this the beginning of the Church of Latter Day Taints?

 

[Gravemind]

Nahh, it's "New Game+" for Chris if/and only if help is there for him and he takes it to heart and works it.

He hasn't done so this late in the game. Pretty sure he's not going to get any better in that regard even after having spent a year or two in prison.

If worst comes to worst, even without all of his toys and games for an extended period of time, he always has his imagination to fall back on. Clearly he's making good use of it, convincing himself that he's literally Jesus Christ.

Anybody who suggested that Chris needs to get a job need to realize that Chris by his very nature is unemployable.
Putting aside things such as his long stint without any work and his atrocious Google search results, would you honestly want Chris to be the face of your company as a CSR?

Let me break it down for you:
1) Chris brings unwanted attention to any place he'll work. The second somebody sees him behind a counter, there will be a thousand idiot weens yelling JULAAAAAY on the company phones, or asking the boss of whatever McDonald's hired him if they're aware of Chris putting his 'secret sauce' in the Fanta dispenser. I guarantee you that Chris would be gone within a week if that keeps up.

2) Chris has problems with authority. There will come a time where he will fall out with a co-worker or his superior over something he does, and instead of sitting down and discussing things like rational human beings, Chris will go on about the trolls, or if he really gets annoyed, do shit like draw stupid caricatures of the people who grind his gears (which got him fired from Wendy's) or launch a CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HAAA in the boss's face, which he did way back in PVCC. Tell me one company that would put up with that bullshit.

3) Chris's work ethic fucking sucks. Chris is more apt to wasting time playing Pokemon Go than being productive, unless it's his Sonichu shit, then he'll focus on that. If it's not something that appeals to him, he'll do it reluctantly if he does it at all. I can picture him drawing his comics behind the counter while angry customers are screaming at him that they've been waiting 30 minutes to get a Filet-O-Fish while the kitchen behind him burns down. Well okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but a more realistic scenario would be Chris finding some corner of the restaurant to draw his comics before somebody gets annoyed enough to fetch him and yell, "Chandler! You've got work to do!" Also, the thought of Chris diligently waking up to go to a 9-5 job is laughable. He is definitely the kind to be late to work, if his statements about 'biological clocks' holds any water.


Those are probably just the tip of the iceberg, there's probably more I'm missing. But my point is that even before Chris trooned out, these were problems he had from the start, and definitely would not improve. Really, the only thing he had going for him was to profit off of the cult-like following he had with his Sonichu comics, which would have made a decent living for him - had the bloody ass not used a significant amount of his funds to buy things that go straight up his ass.

Thanks, I was just thinking about making a longer post myself pointing a lot of this out.

If the problem with Chris was just that he's a lazy asshole, he wouldn't have expended even half the effort he has within his own Christory. Say what you will about his upbringing and how his parents did nothing but enable and coddle him, it's still had a very pathological effect on him and I'm certain that he's already well past the point in his life where anything could really change that. He's, what, almost 40 by now? He's pretty much been down the point of no return for a long while.

 

[Sasha]

@El Rodrigo

Anybody who suggested that Chris needs to get a job need to realize that Chris by his very nature is unemployable.
Putting aside things such as his long stint without any work and his atrocious Google search results, would you honestly want Chris to be the face of your company as a CSR?

Let me break it down for you:
1) Chris brings unwanted attention to any place he'll work. The second somebody sees him behind a counter, there will be a thousand idiot weens yelling JULAAAAAY on the company phones, or asking the boss of whatever McDonald's hired him if they're aware of Chris putting his 'secret sauce' in the Fanta dispenser. I guarantee you that Chris would be gone within a week if that keeps up.

2) Chris has problems with authority. There will come a time where he will fall out with a co-worker or his superior over something he does, and instead of sitting down and discussing things like rational human beings, Chris will go on about the trolls, or if he really gets annoyed, do shit like draw stupid caricatures of the people who grind his gears (which got him fired from Wendy's) or launch a CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HAAA in the boss's face, which he did way back in PVCC. Tell me one company that would put up with that bullshit.

3) Chris's work ethic fucking sucks. Chris is more apt to wasting time playing Pokemon Go than being productive, unless it's his Sonichu shit, then he'll focus on that. If it's not something that appeals to him, he'll do it reluctantly if he does it at all. I can picture him drawing his comics behind the counter while angry customers are screaming at him that they've been waiting 30 minutes to get a Filet-O-Fish while the kitchen behind him burns down. Well okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but a more realistic scenario would be Chris finding some corner of the restaurant to draw his comics before somebody gets annoyed enough to fetch him and yell, "Chandler! You've got work to do!" Also, the thought of Chris diligently waking up to go to a 9-5 job is laughable. He is definitely the kind to be late to work, if his statements about 'biological clocks' holds any water.

4) Communication with Chris is downright impossible. See that rambling letter he sent to Null? Yeah. Chris is not only inarticulate as fuck, but he takes forever to make a point, if he has one at all. A conversation about a can of Cheez Whiz going missing can de-evolve into Chris telling you about being tricked by the man in the Pickle Suit. Also, if Chris believes something, NOTHING you say can change his mind. Null flat-out told Chris that he's not some 'God' with divine powers, and that the latter is choosing to ignore him in favour of obvious trolls who tell him what he wants to hear. Chris's response is to be like, "DERP I HEARD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR" and go right back where the problem started. Also, I guarantee you that Chris is going to write some nasty shit about a MANAJERK he doesn't like for disciplining him, and said passage is going to cement the fact that Chris is completely insane.

Right, and I'll add that, imo, any amount of time spent controlling himself and respecting authority will not contribute to him getting used to conforming to usual social rules ; it will only make him closer and closer to his tolerance threshold, before the unavoidable breakdown.

Selling Sonichu stuff, while being loosely managed -and I don't see anyone but Josh being able to do that effectively without turning mentally ill themself- seems to be one of the few realistic options. And after all this shit, a good chunk of his fan base will be reluctant to give him money I guess.

It's too bad he does not tolerate physical effort, because that would benefit him in so much ways (that would be long to develop, but most of it is obvious)

 

[Yamcha's Only Fan]

Is Chris going to hell because of this blasphemy?

Blasphemy
Taking the lord's name in vain
adultery (may have been fake girlfriends, but he still acted like he'd gladly do it)
bestiality (being a furry, talking about fucking a collie)
Incest
violating a widow (his mom)
pretending to be jesus
witchcraft & black magic
Praising the gay
Theft
Masturbating
A ton of minor Leviticus rules I won't go into
Coveting thy neighbor's goods
Coveting thy neighbor's wife
and has expressed the 7 deadly sins too many times to count.
St. Peter would have chris spiraling down to hell before he'd even get within smelling distance.

 

[Press_Play2002]

You don't understand and never will. You have your own personal perspective of what he's like and better informed people waste their time by saying anything.

When observing anyone in general, especially from a great distance away from the person being discussed, people can only conclude with either a personal perspective or a summarised perspective on who/what that person actually is. Unless they've actually dealt with the person of interest directly, they don't really understand or really know how they're like other than what they've been told by other parties.

Really, the only thing he had going for him was to profit off of the cult-like following he had with his Sonichu comics, which would have made a decent living for him - had the bloody ass not used a significant amount of his funds to buy things that go straight up his ass.

Even before that, he was already known as a massive spender and hoarder who wasted his benefits cheques on plastic tat and cancer, and despite earning money via Patreon, medallion sales and other low-income crap, he still subsisted on benefit money to satiate his spending habits for years after he was discovered online proper, due to how low that "cult-like following" really was when it came to actually spend money on the shit he sold.

He will need some form of 24x7 supervision for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately, the only people who had the time to even bother monitoring him were (mostly at this current stage of Christory) the A-Logs and Weens who needed him online to rationalise their own shortcomings, flaws and boredom in their own lives. Furthermore, considering his own eccentricities, in order to supervise him, they'd have to coddle his arse for a long time to even get him to do anything smart or practical.

 

[Learned Hand]

Chris(t) will convert to Islam in prison. I'm calling that one now. He's essentially the prime demographic for it, and all it's going to take is an evangelist with the patience to convince Chris(t) that Islam is the true path to salvation.

What a wild saga this will be.

Also great discussion in the legal thread if you want to read about the insanity defense and a lot of other technical issues that might be pressing.

 

[Duke Nukem]

Nahh, it's "New Game+" for Chris if/and only if help is there for him and he takes it to heart and works it. People can and do change when they come out of prison, most do not hence the sterotype of Repeat Offenders.

If christ gets prison he will get put into solitary, he cannot go General Population (GP) as he will get beaten because he is...ChrisChan and he's gonna lip out he's famous on the internets. He will be brought into some prison gang in GP just for shits and giggles, his food and money will be stolen and he'll be in the hospital more than the cell.

His only recourse is to go in with the Lifers or Old Folks where they will treat him like one of their idiot children and he can "survive" there.

I have no idea if they'll move him to a Sex Offender/Predator only prison, no clue what VA does. If he doesn't get into a "home" of some sort his life expectancy is measured in years not decades.

>If "christ" gets prison


New word filter or typo?

But yeah I don't see the Holy Sonichu surviving in a normal setting, hell probably not after he gets out either.

Is this the beginning of the Church of Latter Day Taints?

I've heard of "ass worship" but this is ridiculous!

 

[TTU Chess Club]

It's so appropriate for Chris to get locked up and then start incorporating the Bible (the ultimate fanfic) into his delusions.

 

[ajax]

For all the people posting about insanity or non insanity... I'll just leave these two things here...

1. Insanity doesn't give you freedom or a better option. You just get saved from the death penalty.

2. Autism will not save him. He is capable and he knows it's wrong.

Alek Minassian was more high functioning than Chris though, pretty sure he was aspergers. Chris hates aspergers.

 

[Morally Reprehensive]

I posted in the speculation thread that my bet was on Chris becoming a born again Christian while in jail. It made sense, it was a new delusion to focus on and a way to avoid responsibility for his actions.

Guess I was a bit off.

 

[RodgerDodger]

I for one look forward to reading his prison authored New New Testament. Complete with illuminations.

 

[Sasha]

Blasphemy
Taking the lord's name in vain
adultery (may have been fake girlfriends, but he still acted like he'd gladly do it)
bestiality (being a furry, talking about fucking a collie)
Incest
violating a widow (his mom)
pretending to be jesus
witchcraft & black magic
Theft
Masturbating
A ton of minor Leviticus rules I won't go into
Coveting thy neighbor's goods
Coveting thy neighbor's wife
and has expressed the 7 deadly sins too many times to count.
St. Peter would have chris spiraling down to hell before he'd even get within smelling distance.

Is that poetry ? I like the passage when the thief masturbates a ton of minors.

 

[TTU Chess Club]

I for one look forward to reading his prison authored New New Testament. Complete with illuminations.

How many issues until it becomes pornographic?

 

[Tom Nook's Gloryhole]

Chris(t) will convert to Islam in prison. I'm calling that one now. He's essentially the prime demographic for it, and all it's going to take is an evangelist with the patience to convince Chris(t) that Islam is the true path to salvation.

Tbh before his christfag thing in the letter I figured Islam might be the thing for him, it's the sort of change that his narcasissm could exploit and claim that all of this is some elaborate hate crime, he'd also be able to get some bonuses in prison as Islam has more 'daily requirements' than Christianity.

Then I remembered that Chris lives in the middle of bumfuck nowhere where the chances of meeting an Islamic missionary are about as rare as finding a Welshman with an acceptable length cock. He's probably going to remain a christfag up until he gets bored.

 

[Ken_Penders69]

per chris's request....