Blazger white knight video transcript:
[A Staples I.T. guy is sitting in a car wearing sunglasses. He has a thick 5'o'clock shadow and the words "Happy Halloween" hovering above his head through black magic. The sound of cars is audible and shifts with each jump cut.]
"Wut up every-bahdy?"
[The camera suddenly jump cuts to a low angle. As the I.T. guy speaks, a distracting strand of saliva sticks between his lips which widens with his mouth for each word.]
"A wanna wish everybody a happy Halloween."
[The camera jump cuts again.]
"I certainly hope your weekend is going good."
[The words "Trick or Treat" are summoned in front of him.]
"...And tonight you get all that candy."
[The camera jump cuts again. A sick face appears above his head.]
"Just try not to eat it in one setting."
[The camera jump cuts again.]
"I wanted to go ahead and let y'all know I've been...getting a few different updates about the situations that happen over BLFC weekend."
[Unable to speak two sentences without flubbing, the camera jump cuts once more.]
"I'm not goin' into full-on detail 'bout the whole deal...with Mane Wolfie..."
[Now unable to complete one sentence without flubbing, the camera jump cuts yet again.]
"Because that clout chasin' idiot is already digging himself a deeper hole by announcing where he's gonna go next and do it again."
[The words "You do that to a Giordana pizza and we gonna throw hands...BET!!" appear as the camera jump cuts again.]
"I wouldn't dooo thaaat...!"
[A cat waggling its fingers with the words "no no" appear before the camera jump cuts to yet another angle.]
"There is, however, a major update with Ripley that I'm gonna be posting real soon."
[The camera jump cuts again.]
"You see, because everything that Ripley wrote in their Twitter was absolutely true."
[Unable to say something that Ripley wrote wasn't a lie without laughing, he edits out three minutes of giggling and hides it behind another jump cut.]
"Now, I know somebody's gonna say..."
[Somehow he jump cuts to an even more unflattering angle which makes his acne even more apparent. He speaks imitating a nasally voice.]
"'You weren't there, you don't know what happened!'"
[Jump cut to a lovely shot revealing the interior of his nostrils. He ceases doing the nasally impression.]
"You're right, I wasn't there."
[Meeting his one-sentence quota, he jump cuts.]
"But I did something none of you bitch-ass trolls would ever do."
[He smirks before jump cutting. The text "Instead of getting sources from false accusation web pages or those who been trolling her to 'confess'" appears.]
"I personally talked to Ripley."
[The camera rests on his smirk as he smiles knowing that the testimony of a known liar is completely credible. Jump cut.]
"I had a one-on-one conversation with her."
[The text "So leave her the hell alone unless you have actual evidence to back up your claim" appears over the previous text." Realizing that he did not use Ripley's proper pronouns of "shi" and "hir," he hides the horror of his realization with another jump cut.]
"And I know Ripley would lie to me."
[He shakes his head and grimaces as he fights his body's natural revulsion to the idea Rioley doesn't lie. The camera jump cuts.]
"I'm the kinda person you don't wanna lie to."
["Or you are gonna have to deal with me" appears over his face. Unable to go literally two seconds without a jump cut, the video jump cuts one last time in the last second. "Have a wonderful day" appears over his head.]
"So stay safe tonight and stay tuned!"
FINAL RESULTS
Total Time: 1:00
Total Jump Cuts: 20
Jc/Hr (Jump Cuts Per Hour): 1,200
Intentional Humor: E
Unintentional Humor: B-
White Knight Score: B+
Final Rank:
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