Dear How to Do It,
An unexpected threesome with my good friend and his girlfriend turned into an amazing experience had by all. Nothing has changed between us in the time after, and we’ve also had a few threesomes since. During the unorchestrated moving and jockeying the first time, they ended up in a 69 with me behind her. He fellated me in this position, and later they both did, which was simply extraordinary.
The problem is that I’ve started to let him fellate me occasionally when we hang out alone. (We both identify as straight, but I’ve never been that rigid about it.) It starts spontaneously and has increased in frequency. He feels guilty after, and he made a comment that his girlfriend is not altogether at ease about the oral that happens when she IS there. She has no knowledge of the “favors” I’m receiving and I, to be honest with you, have had no problem receiving them. His guilt, however, in the aftermath every single time has begun to affect me as well. Were he not feeling guilty, I would not want it to stop. He’s my friend, so I’m concerned, but at the same time it’s great, fantastic even, until it’s over.
I’ve never once initiated. We have talked about his guilt, and I’ve assured him that it’s not expected, but he is giddily all about it every time. What is my move? Stop hanging out? Resist him? I’m not sure what to do.
— Blown Away
Dear Blown Away,
Imagine if I told you that you could have great head without the baggage of this situation by choosing virtually anyone else to clean your pipes. It’s true! As depressing as some queer men may find it, there remains a premium on a straight-identified guy entering a gay space looking for “no-recip” head (whether it’s via app, orgy, or glory hole). I think this is your move; I don’t think continuing things with your good friend is. You are aware that these dalliances are causing stress and, like it or not, you owe a little more to your friend’s girlfriend than, uh, cheating with her boyfriend. You’re regular sex partners with her, so attending to her humanity falls directly in bounds of your personal responsibility. If you know she’s not keen on brojobs during your threesomes, if you know that she’s unaware of the one-on-ones you’re having with her boyfriend (a fact intentionally held from her as a result of her discomfort), you know you’re doing the wrong thing. I don’t think you need to destroy the friendship (with the guy) as a result of this, just go back to a platonic arrangement (at least when it’s just the two of you). A lot of sexual relationships between men settle into platonic friendships, even when cheating isn’t involved and identifying is decidedly queer. If this is as good of a friend as you indicate, he’ll understand, “Let’s keep hanging out without my dick in your mouth.” If he simply cannot see you without burying his face in your crotch, you’ll have to take a break from hanging with him (hopefully he can use that time to learn how to control himself). You can only make your own choices, though. Choose not cheating.
Dear How to Do It,
I discovered my asexuality shortly after me (25F) and my husband (27M) lost our virginities to each other on our wedding night. Due to nature or nurture (purity culture), I ended up with the unenviable combination of asexuality, vaginismus, a low libido, and an allosexual husband who’s attracted to me and wants to have PIV sex all the time. He’s compromised—we stopped penetrative sex altogether less than a year into our marriage. And I’ve compromised—I have sex with him once or twice a week, even if it’s just a handjob. He’s religious enough that he’s guilty at masturbating, and outright refuses it as an outlet for his own libido. What this means in practice is that I’m the only way he gets off. I feel responsible for his erections. I’m a strong, independent woman who knows that Yes means Yes, but I can’t keep saying no when he asks. He does respect my no! I just … if I say no too many times, it feels selfish and I find myself weighing things like, “Well, do I really mean it this time? Would I feel better or worse about sex if he asked tomorrow, and should I just suck it up tonight in case?”
It’s gotten to the point that he’ll roll over and fondle my breasts in his sleep, and I freeze up until he lets go, and start to mentally prepare myself to give him a handjob in the morning. I like the skinship, and it’s great when he just lays down on top of me, but I’ve never had an orgasm, and giving him his feels like a chore that I have to perform on his schedule. During conversations about sex in the past, he’s asked if I could initiate sex more, and I had to look at him disbelievingly before getting out my phone to start scheduling it in on the calendar. “Ask husband if he wants sex” for Friday night at 8. So sexy. (Honestly, I like planning it out beforehand, it gives me time to prepare, but I don’t get how that’s sexier than him asking me.) His current suggestion is for me to get the dilators out so we can “get back to” PIV sex, which honestly makes me feel a bit nauseous. I remember how much it hurt, and I know the dilators should help with that, but I can’t help but feel that he wants me to ignore the pain so he can have better sex. Is there something we/I should be doing differently? Do you have any advice? I just can’t see myself going on like this for another fifty years.
— Confused Ace
Dear Confused Ace,
The extent to which you’ve discussed your asexuality with your husband is unclear; your husband’s lack of understanding, however, is painfully apparent. He really needs to face the idea that his present may be his future: He’s married to someone who doesn’t particularly enjoy sex, and further, finds it painful. While I believe that many people’s sexuality evolves throughout their lives, there’s no guarantee that yours will. This may be it, and he should understand that and evaluate accordingly, which means refraining from pressuring you to engage in sex. If you haven’t made your asexuality clear to him, please do so—if you need help conveying what this means, you can give him some reading material like Angela Chen’s Ace. He should know exactly what is feasible (laying down on top of you) and what isn’t (almost everything else). Contrary to your concerns, saying no all the time may be useful—it may drive this point home. It may cause him to seek alternate routes to pleasure, like masturbating. (He shouldn’t do anything that makes him uncomfortable either, but given the lingering shadow of purity culture, overcoming some of that shame seems like a healthy goal.)
Sex therapy for both of you may be worth pursuing, as long as you can find a provider who understands asexuality and doesn’t think that the goal is to get you back on the horse (or dick, as it were). You should at least entertain the idea that you’ve found yourself in a mismatch: Your husband wants a sexual outlet that you are simply not inclined to be. You shouldn’t have to bend to him, but given the fact that his own desires aren’t likely to just blow away, he shouldn’t have to live a sex-less existence, either. The answer may be as simple as divorcing and starting anew.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have a sexual routine that we follow virtually every encounter. It gets us both off, but sometimes I’m left wanting more. My wife is extremely passive in bed, never initiates, and doesn’t move hardly at all unless she’s on top. This actually bothers me now more than it did when we were 25. I’m no libertine, but I do have some things I’d like us to try. We’re healthy, young-ish (knocking on 40’s door), and our kids are old enough that they’re both past the “active care” stage. We’re approaching the next stage in our lives/marriage, and I would like to embark together on a sort of Sexual Reacquaintance Campaign, where we try some new stuff, talk about our fantasies … just connect more, emotionally and verbally, while we’re having sex.
There are two problems with my plan. Firstly, she doesn’t like talking about sex at all—before, in the abstract, or during. In the past when we’ve tried “dirty talk,” I could feel how uncomfortable she was with it. I’m fine with starting out small, baby steps, if she’s willing, but I have a very concrete No. 1 fantasy. I’m extremely turned on by the idea of the double-BJ, with two women. It would be the apotheosis of my sexual life as a human being. That being said, I’m afraid of how my wife would react to me even telling her about it, never mind trying to do it.
We’ll smoke pot occasionally. My plan was the next time we do (one-on-one at home) to broach the topic of the sexual reacquaintance and get an uninhibited reaction from her about just the idea, and that it’s something that I’m taking pretty seriously. If she’s receptive to the concept of getting more adventurous, do you have any tips for how to build up to my ultimate fantasy of the double BJ? I’m a little afraid to even voice it, to be honest. I worry that it’ll be just a bridge way too far for her, and I should keep it to myself.
— Campaign Strategist
Dear Campaign Strategist,
You are well aware that you have to tread lightly, so do that. I don’t know where your wife is in terms of her attitude toward sex, and what’s informing it, but if she is a reasonable person she will understand that it would be unfair for her squeamishness to be the final word on your shared sex life. (If her sexual outlook is a result of trauma, though, the forces that you’re dealing with may well be stronger than reason.) There’s a big difference between “dirty talk” and a logistical discussion about the state of your union and what about it is/isn’t working for you. Hew closely to the practical, not the erotic (though I realize in this case you’d be discussing the practice of your eroticism, you don’t have to do that with heavy breathing and kisses between every few words). Lead with your own reason: You aren’t trying to pressure her, and she shouldn’t feel obligated to take you up on anything that you’re introducing…buuuut, life is short, you only live once, and you want to try some stuff before you shuffle off this mortal coil. Emphasize that you’re talking to her well in advance of any of your fantasies being close to reality—this is not a conversation brought on by temptations of cheating (it isn’t right?) or anything external. It’s about what’s going on inside of you.
I would carefully couch so as not to imply that your sex life is leaving you dissatisfied—introduce these ideas as a means of expansion, not remedy. Be gentle, don’t go on for longer than what’s comfortable, absolutely do not do anything coercive, and have patience for what may need to be an ongoing conversation. Your wife may need to warm up to the idea of a threeway, if she accepts it at all. If after a few healthy conversations, you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere despite your considerable drive, you might want to consider a couples counselor or sex therapist with a background in consensual nonmonogamy. There are few forgone conclusions here, but you can make your continuing relationship one of them with the right care, humility, and honesty. Good luck!
— Rich
