Prison Letters Chris' 1st Letter to Celestia - Received 12/3/21

[SaintChristopher69]

An OnionFarms going by the name Celestia posted a letter she had recently received from Chris.

- Chris claims that he'll soon be upgrading 'for Christianity to a more spiritual and neutral religion.'
- Once again claims that he's not alone, and is regularly joined by Sonichu, Rosechu, and for some reason Mewto.
- Claims to like all music, except 'vocal-harsh heavy metal.'
- Also asks for the Celestia's hair/eye colour as the guards photocopy them and shred the originals. Read into that as you will.

(Link: https://www.onionfarms.com/threads/cwc-1st-letter-to-celestia-received-12-3-21.2014/#post-32695)

 

[eDove]

Haha, he's going to turn Christianity into a more "spiritual" and neutral religion (anything not centered around Tarot cards and shiny rocks isn't spiritual, apparently).

Any god who bends his doctrine with the times is not a steadfast god worth worshiping. Chris' ideas of spirituality are as concrete as sand.

The Bible warns of scoffers, but I don't think the collective mockery of Chris is what it was referring to.

I also want to add that these weens' letters to Chris are going to bog the postal service for the holidays, if only by a slight margin.

 

[Sanshain]

Who fucking knew putting Chris behind bars would provide even more content than when he was free.

See this, Phil? Bet you wouldn't be able to produce even one letter a year, you stanky hobo.

 

[Rattus Ebrius]

This is the book he mentioned. Must have been sent to him by a ween, no way a prison library would happen to have a physical copy of it.
Warhol / Chris Chan by Don Lashomb

 

[Slug]

> Claims to literally be Jesus Christ.
> Ditches Christianity because it doesn't involve enough magic stones.

Another gem from a truly exceptional individual.

 

[Fibonacci]

Foresees the letter and myriad other details, fails to scry the sender's hair and eye colour.

 

[SaintChristopher69]

This is the book he mentioned. Must have been sent to him by a ween, no way a prison library would happen to have a physical copy of it.
Warhol / Chris Chan by Don Lashomb

Imagine being one of the prison guards walking in and seeing him reading a book about himself. The Warhol/Chris book is pretty stupid, he's probably rolling in his grave.

 

[LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV]]

Scientology arc when

 

[Bixby Snyder]

Haha, he's going to turn Christianity into a more "spiritual" and neutral religion (anything not centered around Tarot cards and shiny rocks isn't spiritual, apparently).

Any god who bends his doctrine with the times is not a steadfast god worth worshiping. Chris' ideas of spirituality are as concrete as sand.

The Bible warns of scoffers, but I don't think the collective mockery of Chris is what it was referring to.

I also want to add that these weens' letters to Chris are going to bog the postal service for the holidays, if only by a slight margin.

I wonder what his new religion will have to say about incest?

 

[Sexy Senior Citizen]

I wonder what his new religion will have to say about incest?

Given how Chris is wholly unrepentant, he'll probably couch it in more diplomatic terms- "spiritual healing," "deeper connection with your family," or things of that nature.

 

[draggs]

Christianity: you will be Saved if you truly and honestly (TM) repent your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior

Chrischanity: you will be Saved if Goddess Chris decides so. If not lolgetfuckd

Which is more neutral again? Hmmmm

 

[Phalanges Mycologist]

Honestly I have a question about this - Why Bottle Labels? Is it just convenient for him or does he attach some form of significance to them?

 

[Bixby Snyder]

Given how Chris is wholly unrepentant, he'll probably couch it in more diplomatic terms- "spiritual healing," "deeper connection with your family," or things of that nature.

‘Sexual Healing’

Also, wtf is ‘Warhol / Chris Chan’ book? He making shit up or did somebody actually try to say his shit is ‘art’. I can only imagine his version of a Campbell Soup Can painting

 

[PsychoNerd054]

Also, wtf is ‘Warhol / Chris Chan’ book? He making shit up or did somebody actually try to say his shit is ‘art’. I can only imagine his version of a Campbell Soup Can painting

Some time ago, someone attempted to write a book comparing Chris to Andy Warhol. This book was sent to Chris.

Warhol / Chris Chan: The Lifespan of American Pop Culture, or The Suppression of Reality: Lashomb, Don: 9798739475275: Amazon.com: Books

Warhol / Chris Chan: The Lifespan of American Pop Culture, or The Suppression of Reality [Lashomb, Don] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Warhol / Chris Chan: The Lifespan of American Pop Culture, or The Suppression of Reality

www.amazon.com

 

[Radical Goodspeed]

I want Chris to get out and start BLARMSing mainstream Christianity for not accepting him as the messiah.

 

[Merried Seinor Coomer]

Whatever your religion, it now comes under the Christian umbrella where ChrisJesus is in charge. His ego is really writing checks his ass can't catch and suicide draws ever closer.

 

[professionalsmileyguy]

Christianity unclear.
Not enough shiny rocks and tarot cards.

 

[draggs]

Christianity unclear.
Not enough shiny rocks and tarot cards.

Christianity would have been fine if Moses had come down from Mt. Sinai with the Ten Commandments tablets bordered in rhinestones and bits of colored glass

BIG MISSED OPPORTUNITY MOSES

GOOD JOB

 

[Mossad Facade]

Chris is a heretic that will burn in hell for all eternity for his sins against the Lord.

Jeremiah 23:16
"Thus says the LORD of hosts:
Do not listen to the words of your prophets,
who fill you with emptiness;
They speak visions from their own fancy,
not from the mouth of the LORD"

 

[Dang Woodchucks!]

Scientology arc when

Chris vs Scientology would be the perfect way for 2021 to end on, specially if the weens make it the sequel to Project Chanology.