Prison Letters Chris' 1st Letter to Celestia - Received 12/3/21

Squat Cobbler said:
‘Sexual Healing’
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Get up, get up, get up, get up,
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
Oh Barbie, let's get down tonight,
Wooooooooo,

BAR-BEE-EEE
I'm caught just like a nuffin',
I need some lovin',
And Barbie,
I can't hold it much longer,
I'm zapping stronger and stronger,
And when I get that feeling,
You need, Spiritual Healing,
Spiritual Healing,
Oh Barbie,

Makes me feel so fine,
Move rocks with my mind,
Spiritual healing Barbie,
Only from me,
Spiritual healing,
It's not needed for me,

CPU Blue tears are falling,
And mental stability is leaving me,
There is something I can do,
I can get on the Commodore,
And call you boyfriend-free,
And Barbie I know you'll be there to relieve me,
The love you give to me will set me free,
If you don't know the things we're zapping,
I can tell you, darling,
That it's Spiritual Healing,

Get up, get up, get up, get up,
Let's zap up tonight,
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
So I can cum tonight,
Barbie, I got sick this morning,
The merge was storming inside of me,
Barbie, I think I am projecting,
My duck is rising and rising,
And when I get that feeling,
You need,
Spiritual Healing.
Spiritual Healing,
Is so good to me,
Nothing's right in my mind,
Helps to merge mankind,
Which is good for us.

Spiritual Healing, Barbie,
Is good for me,
Spiritual Healing is something that we both need,
And it's good for me,
And it's so good for me,
My momm-ay ooooo.

Lemme take control,
Just grab a hold,
Of my body and mind,
Soon we'll be making it

Mommy, oh you're feeling fine,
I'm your medicine,
Open up and let me in,
Darling, you're so great,
I can't wait,
Until I operate,

Get up, get up, get up, get up,
Let's zap up tonight,
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
'cause I will do it right,

I can't wait,
Until I operate,
And when I get this feeling,
You need,
Spiritual Healing,
Ohhh when I get this feeling,
You need,
Spiritual Healing.

I want a,
Spiritual Healing darling,
Spiritual Healing darling,
When I get back home.
 
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Eggman's Ghost said:
This book came out long before Chris was arrested, he read the e-book version of it if I remember correctly
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Hardcopy. Chris reviewed it. Can't find a way to link to the specific review but it appears here. https://www.amazon.com/Warhol-Chris-Chan-Lifespan-Suppression/dp/B095F3762C
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Everytime I get to read another Chris-Chan Letter, I am amazed that almost EVERY letter, he finds more things to add to his name, and to think it just started as "Jesus Christine Weston Chandler Christ" and it just keeps going.

Anyone wanna bet what the next addition to his way-too-long signature is?
 
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I see many parallels between Chris's rambling and the rambling of William Blake, the English poet.

"Burke's Treatise on the Sublime & Beautiful is founded on the Opinions of Newton & Locke on this Treatise Reynolds has grounded many of his assertions. in all his Discourses I read Burkes Treatise when very Young at the same time I read Locke on Human Understanding & Bacons Advancement of Learning on Every one of these Books I wrote my Opinions & on looking them over find that my Notes on Reynolds in this Book are exactly Similar. I felt the Same Contempt & Abhorrence then; that I do now. They mock Inspiration & Vision Inspiration & Vision was then & now is & I hope will always Remain my Element my Eternal Dwelling place. how can I then hear it Contemnd without returning Scorn for Scorn"

Blake wrote this big wall of nonsense while annotating a book, and reading it is like trying to read a Chris letter, not just grammatically, but in content as well.

Blake, like Chris, hated empiricism and rational thought. He disapproved of the push towards science and logic and away from religion. He believed all religions were one, and encouraged imagination over reason. When he was criticized, he got butthurt and made fun of his critics, just like Chris.

I hope in 200 years we will study Chris's work and have 5 different professors' opinions on what it meant lol.
 
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Nuka Victory said:
Everytime I get to read another Chris-Chan Letter, I am amazed that almost EVERY letter, he finds more things to add to his name, and to think it just started as "Jesus Christine Weston Chandler Christ" and it just keeps going.

Anyone wanna bet what the next addition to his way-too-long signature is?
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Lord, Messiah, Savior, Sonichu, Real player one, Ra, amaterasu, l ron hubbard, Flying spaghetti monster, Satan, furry, and motherfucker. Jesus Christine Weston Chandler Christ. The goddess blue heart, and real life hentai ugly bastard.
 
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RadioactiveMonkeyMan said:
Can't directly quote your post at the moment @SaintChristopher69 but I figured since no-one else explained I would.

See, Chris is in a polygamous marriage to MagiChan and Mewtwo. So basically, he's getting a lot of conjugal visits in his headcanon.
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Glad he has somehow worked Pokemon into Chris Chan lore. Probably he subconsciously realizes that he is unlikely to find a real romantic partner at this stage in his life, especially now he's behind bars.
 
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Dang Woodchucks! said:
Chris vs Scientology would be the perfect way for 2021 to end on, specially if the weens make it the sequel to Project Chanology.
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ProfessorCuckulus said:
i am so tempted to mail him a copy of dianetics but i dont want the pudgy bastard having my address
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Oddly enough with Chris's love of South Park he might be immune to Scientology, they lambasted it long enough and hard enough that it might have stuck in his mind, then again Chris's brain is so plastic when it comes to the concept of reality he's likely to think he's Lord Xenu and will end up wanting to drop all trolls into a Active Volcano.
 
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SaintChristopher69 said:
Probably he subconsciously realizes that he is unlikely to find a real romantic partner at this stage in his life, especially now he's behind bars.
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I'm pretty damn confident he had that realization when he bit the bullet and hired a hooker. I can only imagine the stress filled *sigh* as he handed her the cash.
 
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Everytime Chris says "I foresaw this a long time ago" I just let out the most tired sigh.

Also I like believing that the staff reads these letters and think that Chris might be typing some code.
"It's all just gibberish! But he keeps writing them." they say under their breath as they keep searching for some sort of nefarious plan encoded within the letters.
 
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