- Joined
- Dec 7, 2013
I don’t think I saw anything about Ralph’s booze habits aside from jokes about May and the lemon wheels, so I’ll paraphrase my spergery from the original thread. @AnOminous feel free to chime in or call me a faggot for being hyper-autistic about booze.
1. Ralph’s spirit of choice is bourbon. The funniest, but also most surface level, thing from this is that bourbon legally has to be made of mostly corn.
2. His stated bottles of choice are Woodford Reserve & Maker’s Mark. Woodford is a decent bourbon that gets marketed to hell and back because the company that owns the brand that sponsors the Kentucky Derby. Maker’s is a mediocre-ish bourbon that gets marketed to hell and back because it has dumb gimmick where they dip every bottle in bright red wax; and it has a particular quality that I’ll use to make a dig at Ralph in a moment. Better options than both at a slightly to much lower prices would be Evan Williams Bottled in Bond, Eliajah Craig Small Batch (roughly the same stuff as the former but aged longer, is more heavily blended because it isn’t bonded, and a smidge weaker), Wild Turkey 101, Old Forester (same distillery and mashbill as Woodford for like half the price), and Larceny for something same style as Maker’s.
3. There’s a thing with bourbon called a mashbill. What this is is the percentage of what grains you use to make your whiskey, of which there are 4. Corn has to be the main one for bourbon, and it provides sweetness and a lot of body. Malted barley will also provide body, will round the whiskey out a bit, and also help jumpstart fermentation. Rye will dry the distillate out while also adding baking spice notes and heat. Wheat will accentuate the sweetness of the corn a lot, and this makes it very easy to drink and approachable, but very one note because distillers have primarily used rye to balance out that sweetness to make something more interesting; which is all pretty much a pedantic way of me saying that Ralph is a lardass with bad taste who can only tolerate sugar water because Maker’s Mark is a wheater bourbon.
1. Ralph’s spirit of choice is bourbon. The funniest, but also most surface level, thing from this is that bourbon legally has to be made of mostly corn.
2. His stated bottles of choice are Woodford Reserve & Maker’s Mark. Woodford is a decent bourbon that gets marketed to hell and back because the company that owns the brand that sponsors the Kentucky Derby. Maker’s is a mediocre-ish bourbon that gets marketed to hell and back because it has dumb gimmick where they dip every bottle in bright red wax; and it has a particular quality that I’ll use to make a dig at Ralph in a moment. Better options than both at a slightly to much lower prices would be Evan Williams Bottled in Bond, Eliajah Craig Small Batch (roughly the same stuff as the former but aged longer, is more heavily blended because it isn’t bonded, and a smidge weaker), Wild Turkey 101, Old Forester (same distillery and mashbill as Woodford for like half the price), and Larceny for something same style as Maker’s.
3. There’s a thing with bourbon called a mashbill. What this is is the percentage of what grains you use to make your whiskey, of which there are 4. Corn has to be the main one for bourbon, and it provides sweetness and a lot of body. Malted barley will also provide body, will round the whiskey out a bit, and also help jumpstart fermentation. Rye will dry the distillate out while also adding baking spice notes and heat. Wheat will accentuate the sweetness of the corn a lot, and this makes it very easy to drink and approachable, but very one note because distillers have primarily used rye to balance out that sweetness to make something more interesting; which is all pretty much a pedantic way of me saying that Ralph is a lardass with bad taste who can only tolerate sugar water because Maker’s Mark is a wheater bourbon.
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