We're tackling the first 6 verses of Matthew 5 today. How is this 40 minutes long.
Verses 5:1-2: "“Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.”
- Jack says in “his” Bible, this section is called the “Bee-attitudes” and doesn’t know what that is. Darrell doesn’t know either, he’s never paid attention to that, and doesn’t care why they call them that. Darrell just likes the red words.
- Jack lies and says that he’ll look it up and put the answer in the description box – he didn’t do this. I guess because “beatitude” is an evil Latin word they don’t teach it in the Murder Church (it generally means "blessings" referring to the "blessed are the" passages that follow).
Verse 5:3: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven"
- Darrell does almost all of the talking in this, and a lot of it is just reading off an online concordance. Lazy men indeed.
- The poor in spirit are of all of those who realize they broke God's law and need help.
- Without the law we wouldn't know we are sinners, and when the law came, then sin came. What?
- Because we're all worthless, men's righteousness without God is "as dirty rags," a Biblical phrase that Darrell gleefully explains is "like a woman on her menstrual cycle, the rag she would use to..." wow
- Oh, "blessed" actually means "happy," because that's how language works. This means that if you meet any of the criteria in the beatitudes you should be happy all of the time.
- Jack chimes in with a bizarre aside. The peace of God isn't just a mental state, it's an actual physical experience that "everyone" describes as "a warm feeling all over their body."
- Peace of God evidence: a woman Jack heard of was fired and immediately felt warm and like everything was fine. Trucker was diagnosed with skin cancer and just went "oh, okay," and never throught or worried about it. No mention of warmth, though. Oh, he did get that bit of cancerous skin removed surgically and was healed. Praise the surgeon, I guess.
- Jack proudly touts that he’s utterly unfazed by death because after death he’ll be in heaven, so living or dying is fine by him. wow
- Last word on this verse from Darrell: being poor in spirit means you’re humble
- Last word on this verse from Jack “I have to tell you, one of the biggest concerns in my life is to not be that person that says I’m humble, I’m totally okay and I’m NOT. I’m literally lying to myself. Just because you say it you need to live it… I’m the biggest offender of that – saying one thing that I’m really not… If you know you have an ego, deal with it.” How's that going, Jack?
HOW ARE WE ONLY 20 MINUTES IN
Verse 5:4: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
- Wait, I thought we were supposed to be happy all the time?
- This doesn't mean to cry all the time, informs Darrell, it means to just be sorrowful in the knowledge of how you've sinned, and you will be comforted by God's forgiveness and peace.
- According to Darrell, Christians will receive their heavenly inheritance (whatever that is) before they die. No examples or further explanation given.
Verse 5:5: "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth"
- This doesn't mean to be a doormat.
- Darrell has a micro-stroke and stutters "Cun-um-cunt" instead of "courteousness." Jack assures him that he'll leave that in.
- Darrell used to have a horrible temper "before he became a Christian," but if you let your "spirit man" take over the "flesh man" you'll overcome your problems. Okay.
- Jack touts that their pastor said that their church is a hospital, so the addicts and the things people shouldn't be - "He fixes all that." Yeah, I'm sure that's how it works.
ALMOST DONE
Verse 5:6: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled."
- This means you shouldn’t hunger after the things in this world. The wendigo shudders.
- Darrell heard a story on the radio about a guy who’s wife got sick, and the hospital charged him $700,000, insurance paid $600,000 and the remainder wiped out his savings. “All of that is fleeting! Keep your treasures in heaven!” Fuck you, guy, I guess.
And with that, IT'S OVER. They'll be back next week.
fucking clown.
