A step-by-step guide to making 'Surf and Turf de Ralph'
Hey there, it's Ethan Ralph of The Ralph Retort. In January of 2022, I decided, for no particular reason, to abandon my heavily-pregnant wife in the United States, while I departed for a well-deserved, and long-overdue week-long holiday in the city of Portugal, which, as you might be aware, is the capital of Spain.
I quickly fell in love with one of Portugal's many picturesque, mid-low budget hotel rooms, along with its scenic television screen, which provided me with spectacular, panoramic views of NFL games. I waddled short distances along as many as three of the city's charming streets, where I posed for selfies, pointing down at myself with both hands, as if I was framed in air-quotes. In a shop at the airport, I treated myself to a Louis Vuitton, felt fedora, which I am told is a symbol of success and sophistication in this region of the world.
Another aspect of Portugal, that I fell 'head over gunt' in love with, was the food. Today, in a homage to that Iberian cuisine, I would like to present to you with a little recipe inspired by my trip that I call '
Surf and Turf de Ralph'.
First the turf: While your instinct may be to visit the nearest English-speaking butcher, those like myself, who are staying in hotel accommodation may lack the amenities to prepare the meat. For anyone who finds themselves in this predicament, I recommended a local restaurant called Burger King, where beef can be purchased readily-prepared as flamed-grilled patties. Unlike Las Vegas where your steak is brought to the table unseasoned, on a white plate, unaccompanied by side dishes, in Portugal they go the extra mile. Your beef will be presented to you in a box with a hinged lid. Inside you will find the patties housed within a sliced 'bap', dressed with lettuce, onions, sliced tomatoes and pickles. Additionally there is a special sauce that my waiter described to me as “Uma porção extra grande de cum para o turista americano detestável”, which I think you will agree is a bit of a mouthful, but, god-damn, that is a tasty sauce.
Apparently, I proved to be a bit of a hit with the staff at Burger King, as they crowned me 'The King of Portugal' and even presented me with a cardboard crown. I asked them when they were going to give me the real thing, but they said it was being cleaned and they would get it to me when they could. So I guess when I get back to the States, y'all need to start referring to me as “Your Majesty”.
Seriously.
With the turf taken care of, it's time to turn our attention to the surf part of the dish. I think most of you reading this will agree that there are few things saltier on this earth than a goblet of shrimp, garnished with a massive lemon wedge impaled on wooden kebab skewer like a hunting trophy. Fortunately there are many eateries in Portugal that will prepare this part of the recipe on your behalf.
Note that I say 'few things saltier' because god damn the mayonnaise dressing that came with those shrimp was salty. When I enquired about it to the server, he informed me that it was “Para você cão porco americano, há apenas cum. Cum temperado com uma pitada de páprica”. Another mouthful. The Portuguese sure do get descriptive when it comes to their sauces. You can bet that I swallowed every last drop like I did it for a living.
Anyway, let me know how you get on, if you make the recipe. Hey, I'm only kidding, I don't give a fuck.
Adios, or as they say here in Portugal: “Engasgar com sua gula, baleia terrestre!”
