What is your preferred method of sacrificing Ethan Ralph for the Corn?
- Thread starter SargonF00t
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- May 14, 2021
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2019
Funnily enough if you’re hunting hogs the best bait to use is fermented corn
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2018
No wonder he loves Maker's Mark so much then. It's 70% fermented corn.
- Joined
- May 1, 2021
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2017
I would wait until he keels over, as the main plan starts after he dies. First, we remove all of his limbs and cremate them one at a time and then put all the ashes together. We remove his head, cremate that, and then put it in with the other ashes. After that. we bisect him horizontally and cremate the upper body and then put it in with the other ashes. We divvy up the fat so there is no chance of causing a fire. Toss the lower part of the body into the crematorium and then put the ashes with the other ashes. The final part is shoveling the fat in. After everything is said and done, dump all of the ashes into the toilet and flush it.
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2016
Immolation
Or pouring gold down his throat
Or Crucifix
Or pouring gold down his throat
Or Crucifix
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2021
A public hanging would be my choice. As much as The Gunt weighs, his head would probably pop off.
Christorian X
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2021
I'd look forward to a gut wrenching slow burn.
To begin with we watch him trying to rebuild his lost audience by trying to absorb some of the fallout when AF implodes due to the Feds going after Fuentes and he commits suicide by cop as he charges them wrapped in a nazi flag while firing an ironically painted nerf gun to look like a real pistol.
Jayden attempts to take the reigns by taking the next inevitable step in the incel based movement by claiming that if true incels were born that way, then going hardcore means taking the next inevitable step and committing fully to men. He releases a tell all book going into explicit details about his and Nick's aggressively sexually devious relationship encouraging other incels to join him. over 90% of AF becomes vaccinated and creates a profile on JDate by the end of the week. Ralph targets the remaining hangers on but destroys his relationship with Fuentes and the hangers on after doxing the entire group for criticizing Ralph for his sex tape. Not because he had sex, but because he had sex with a woman. Ralph continues to lose viewership.
With the elimination of AF, Rogan making apologies, and more alt-right getting doxxed, Dick Masterson senses its time to publicly take a step back from the red pool of blood spilling on the proverbial floor and begins taking subtle pokes at Ralph to appear more like a rational human being. The final straw comes when Masterson admits on air that Ralph had to pay him to attend the bowling alley wedding and that while drunk Ralph admitted that he refers to his dick as his Big Beef and Cheddar with Horsey Sauce. Ralph goes to war and continues to lose viewership.
Eventually caving to pressure from the ever growing troll presence he has created by his ever increasingly public and large disasters, Ralph is forced to sue for paternity and is legally acknowledged as the father to Xander. He is immediately handed a bill for back child support and learns that both CA and VA will jail deadbeat fathers after missing several child support payments. He returns home from a 90 day work release program to find May nd the demon baby having fled to her parents when the money ran out. She has began filing for paternity as well.
Ralph doubles down on the liquor to cope and spends more and more time ebegging live as he rages against ths world. The liquor finally takes its toll and Ralph begins to descend into periods of psychosis. As he he squeees into oblivion he begins to hear whispers behind him. "i need to go to dialysis", "we rule in favor of the plaintiff , Adrienne Blair", "I don't love you Ethan, I want a divorce", "Rage Pig", "Andy Pires sent Faith Vickers $20.00", "Do you take Amanda Morris to be your lawfully wedded wife?". Ralph screams at the voices during his live stream. His viewer count clicks down to only 2. Unbeknownst to Ralph the entire collective of a-logs he had created through his shitty behavior was sniping him through one of those views. A $3.00 super chat appears "If only you could accept the fact that the person who took everything from you, was you." Ethan angrily shouts at the camera as if a pig possessed by unearthly rage. "ITS NAWWWWT TRUUUU!!!!!!! ITS NAWT TRU!" comes barreling out of him as tears stream down his face.
Finally, a loving , alcohol induced image appears in the side of his vision. "Ethan Ralph, it's me, Gator...". All Ralph's viewers look on stunned as Ralph cries, begging an invisible Gator to forgive him. "You were my friend Ralph and now I'm gone." Ralph quietly still talking to no one bawling on his keyboard quietly sobbing and saying over and over "its nawwwt truuuu"..."its nawwwt truuu"..."its nawwwt tr----". Ralphs heart finally gives out and he dies as all those he attacked looked on. The snipe ends and the viewer count clicks down to a single current viewer.
Halfway across the world, Joshua Conner Moon stares at his screen, silently contemplating a finally silent Ethan Ralph slumped over his desk. Acknowledging the irony that he will the the last viewer Ethan Ralph will ever have. After the moment lands, Josh spontaneously voices the only thought that seems to come to him in the moment: "Huh, well I guess that's why it's called the Killstream." Behind him a buzzer rings in the kitchen. "OOOOH! Pizza is done!". The screen clicks off. The viewership number clicks to zero.
The End.
To begin with we watch him trying to rebuild his lost audience by trying to absorb some of the fallout when AF implodes due to the Feds going after Fuentes and he commits suicide by cop as he charges them wrapped in a nazi flag while firing an ironically painted nerf gun to look like a real pistol.
Jayden attempts to take the reigns by taking the next inevitable step in the incel based movement by claiming that if true incels were born that way, then going hardcore means taking the next inevitable step and committing fully to men. He releases a tell all book going into explicit details about his and Nick's aggressively sexually devious relationship encouraging other incels to join him. over 90% of AF becomes vaccinated and creates a profile on JDate by the end of the week. Ralph targets the remaining hangers on but destroys his relationship with Fuentes and the hangers on after doxing the entire group for criticizing Ralph for his sex tape. Not because he had sex, but because he had sex with a woman. Ralph continues to lose viewership.
With the elimination of AF, Rogan making apologies, and more alt-right getting doxxed, Dick Masterson senses its time to publicly take a step back from the red pool of blood spilling on the proverbial floor and begins taking subtle pokes at Ralph to appear more like a rational human being. The final straw comes when Masterson admits on air that Ralph had to pay him to attend the bowling alley wedding and that while drunk Ralph admitted that he refers to his dick as his Big Beef and Cheddar with Horsey Sauce. Ralph goes to war and continues to lose viewership.
Eventually caving to pressure from the ever growing troll presence he has created by his ever increasingly public and large disasters, Ralph is forced to sue for paternity and is legally acknowledged as the father to Xander. He is immediately handed a bill for back child support and learns that both CA and VA will jail deadbeat fathers after missing several child support payments. He returns home from a 90 day work release program to find May nd the demon baby having fled to her parents when the money ran out. She has began filing for paternity as well.
Ralph doubles down on the liquor to cope and spends more and more time ebegging live as he rages against ths world. The liquor finally takes its toll and Ralph begins to descend into periods of psychosis. As he he squeees into oblivion he begins to hear whispers behind him. "i need to go to dialysis", "we rule in favor of the plaintiff , Adrienne Blair", "I don't love you Ethan, I want a divorce", "Rage Pig", "Andy Pires sent Faith Vickers $20.00", "Do you take Amanda Morris to be your lawfully wedded wife?". Ralph screams at the voices during his live stream. His viewer count clicks down to only 2. Unbeknownst to Ralph the entire collective of a-logs he had created through his shitty behavior was sniping him through one of those views. A $3.00 super chat appears "If only you could accept the fact that the person who took everything from you, was you." Ethan angrily shouts at the camera as if a pig possessed by unearthly rage. "ITS NAWWWWT TRUUUU!!!!!!! ITS NAWT TRU!" comes barreling out of him as tears stream down his face.
Finally, a loving , alcohol induced image appears in the side of his vision. "Ethan Ralph, it's me, Gator...". All Ralph's viewers look on stunned as Ralph cries, begging an invisible Gator to forgive him. "You were my friend Ralph and now I'm gone." Ralph quietly still talking to no one bawling on his keyboard quietly sobbing and saying over and over "its nawwwt truuuu"..."its nawwwt truuu"..."its nawwwt tr----". Ralphs heart finally gives out and he dies as all those he attacked looked on. The snipe ends and the viewer count clicks down to a single current viewer.
Halfway across the world, Joshua Conner Moon stares at his screen, silently contemplating a finally silent Ethan Ralph slumped over his desk. Acknowledging the irony that he will the the last viewer Ethan Ralph will ever have. After the moment lands, Josh spontaneously voices the only thought that seems to come to him in the moment: "Huh, well I guess that's why it's called the Killstream." Behind him a buzzer rings in the kitchen. "OOOOH! Pizza is done!". The screen clicks off. The viewership number clicks to zero.
The End.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2019
I'm confused: what better way could there be than the current method?
What sacrifice could be more pleasing to the gods of the harvest than a sacrifice performed by one's own hand?
No normal man could be so cruel in exacting pain upon themselves. Surely they'd one day have their fill of the agony and humiliation and end it all...but not Ethan Ralph. He grasps the importance of his role. He knows his fetid, corpulent body pleases the ancient deities, and that they in turn bless us with a harvest unbound by season or whimsy of sun or rain. And so he carries on undeterred.
Blessed be Radolphus Supremus, for never before has a gunt provided such bounty, nor the teats of a cow overflowed with such milk.
What sacrifice could be more pleasing to the gods of the harvest than a sacrifice performed by one's own hand?
No normal man could be so cruel in exacting pain upon themselves. Surely they'd one day have their fill of the agony and humiliation and end it all...but not Ethan Ralph. He grasps the importance of his role. He knows his fetid, corpulent body pleases the ancient deities, and that they in turn bless us with a harvest unbound by season or whimsy of sun or rain. And so he carries on undeterred.
Blessed be Radolphus Supremus, for never before has a gunt provided such bounty, nor the teats of a cow overflowed with such milk.
- Joined
- May 30, 2019
I have no suggestions, I just wanted to give you this.
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2020
If someone shows up to his house in a full corn suit we truly will have come full circle.
WhimsicalTrolli
kiwifarms.net
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- Jun 20, 2019
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2021
@Marvin you're on deck, bro.
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2019
If this were to happen (and God I hope it does), I think all I could say would be "huh. Such a big mouth yet such a small death rattle. Lmao".
You should seriously get into creative writing because this shit is kino.
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2017
>massive piles of freshly picked corn around two effigies
>larp cultish schizo circle
>Classical Latin chanting
>burn the effigies of Ethan Ralph and Spic Fuentes
>chant about how we sacrifice the Gunt and Fuentes to the corn
Done, that's how I sacrifice Ralph to the corn.
>larp cultish schizo circle
>Classical Latin chanting
>burn the effigies of Ethan Ralph and Spic Fuentes
>chant about how we sacrifice the Gunt and Fuentes to the corn
Done, that's how I sacrifice Ralph to the corn.
Yizu
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2021
Let him just be himself. No one fucks Gunt over more than Gunt.
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
Throw him/let him fall down the stairs on the steep portugal street
Weeb Slinger
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2019
In common with all bountiful corn sacrifices, the be-quiltening of Ethan Ralph will be a spirited community affair, enjoyed by the young and old alike.
In the weeks prior to the main festivities, anyone who has ever been wronged by the Gunt will be provided with a small square of felt that they will be encouraged to embroider with a scene, or a phrase, that embodies the harm he has caused them.
During this period, Ralph will be tracked, by Portuguese hunters, to whatever Las Vegas casino or European branch of Burger King he has wandered into, while fixated upon his relentless quest for a legendary six-star day. Having been lured in a convenient alleyway by his trackers and then soundly bludgeoned, he will be trussed-up and corralled inside a pen of the kind that is commonly used to restrain hogs while they are gelded. On a day that will henceforth be referred to as 'Felting Thursday' Ralph's victims will take it in turn to sew their patches onto his skin until he resembles an unquilted duvet cover that has become grossly misaligned with its internal contents. Out of respect for the Gunt's well-documented love of faecal matter, the needles will be sterilised in raw sewage.
When the last patch has been secured, Ralph will be freed and allowed to shamble about with his hands bound, as he slowly succumbs to multiple infections and inevitable sepsis. For added amusement, a fishing rod, attached to a harness worn by Ralph, will dangle a designer man purse ahead of him, tantalizingly beyond the reach of his stubby T-Rex arms. A freeform celebration will coalesce around Ralph's delirious meanderings, incorporating Morris dancers, maypoles and all of those other vaguely-sinister trappings of pagan rites, that were once used to curry favour with gods whose former interest in the harvest has been replaced by a crippling Internet addiction.
When Ralph dies, his body will be allowed to decay in situ, until the scavenging wind weakens the stitches of his quilted skin, tearing off the felt patches and carrying them away.
In the weeks prior to the main festivities, anyone who has ever been wronged by the Gunt will be provided with a small square of felt that they will be encouraged to embroider with a scene, or a phrase, that embodies the harm he has caused them.
During this period, Ralph will be tracked, by Portuguese hunters, to whatever Las Vegas casino or European branch of Burger King he has wandered into, while fixated upon his relentless quest for a legendary six-star day. Having been lured in a convenient alleyway by his trackers and then soundly bludgeoned, he will be trussed-up and corralled inside a pen of the kind that is commonly used to restrain hogs while they are gelded. On a day that will henceforth be referred to as 'Felting Thursday' Ralph's victims will take it in turn to sew their patches onto his skin until he resembles an unquilted duvet cover that has become grossly misaligned with its internal contents. Out of respect for the Gunt's well-documented love of faecal matter, the needles will be sterilised in raw sewage.
When the last patch has been secured, Ralph will be freed and allowed to shamble about with his hands bound, as he slowly succumbs to multiple infections and inevitable sepsis. For added amusement, a fishing rod, attached to a harness worn by Ralph, will dangle a designer man purse ahead of him, tantalizingly beyond the reach of his stubby T-Rex arms. A freeform celebration will coalesce around Ralph's delirious meanderings, incorporating Morris dancers, maypoles and all of those other vaguely-sinister trappings of pagan rites, that were once used to curry favour with gods whose former interest in the harvest has been replaced by a crippling Internet addiction.
When Ralph dies, his body will be allowed to decay in situ, until the scavenging wind weakens the stitches of his quilted skin, tearing off the felt patches and carrying them away.
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2021
This..."person" is not a suitable sacrifice. Not to the Old Ones, not the Fae, no, not even to your Abrahamic "Yahweh" whose modern worshippers so conveniently forget once demanded sacrifices of his own. Sacrificing such degenerates is how you get hurricanes, floods and volcanic eruptions. He should have been exposed upon birth, that neither man nor god should ever have been made to behold what he is become: The vague likeness of a man, but not man-shaped; unfit for survival yet somehow alive. A ghastly and shambling thing - nay, I shall speak of it no more. Take your Ethan Ralph and away with you; no god shall ever welcome a gift of such poor stuff.