Patrick Sean Tomlinson / @stealthygeek / "Torque Wheeler" / @RealAutomanic / Kempesh / Padawan v2.5 - "Conservative" sci-fi author with TDS, armed "drunk with anger management issues" and terminated parental rights, actual tough guy, obese, paid Quasi, paid thousands to be repeatedly unbanned from Twitter

Mr Moonface said:
"Neither patient survived"

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Piggy lists his victims:

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More oinking:

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FWIW, Onaforums has dispelled this as being an absolute Tomlinson Tall Tale. There's a million red flags but I'll stick to the "no shit sherlocks" of the case:

1: Little children that die in public pools always make the local newspaper. Someone did research at the place he worked out and found a 7-year-old had died but no trace of a 5-year-old as he claims.

2: Pools, like hospitals, defer to the most senior member in case of emergency. This is the equivalent of a 1st-year medical intern telling the head surgeon to step aside, he's decided to be the lifesaver today.

3. Again like hospitals, if someone dies under your care, you are almost certainly getting sued. ESPECIALLY if you cause the wrongful death of a little girl, that kind of case gives ambulance chasers erections.

Which makes the event, as Patrick tells it, that much stupider. 5-year-old girl starts convulsing while swimming. Patrick Tomlinson, noted expert at everything, is called to give her CPR as he is the best at it. Despite his best-in-the-world efforts, the girl passes away. Her father places a hand on Patrick's shoulder, telling him he did the best he could have done. His daughter's death isn't his fault.
 
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Catch the Lizard said:
Someone who genuinely puts Fat on the same level as fucking Tolkien and Frank Herbert must be even more insufferable than Fat himself
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Helium Bubble said:
Well those are two very interesting CPR stories, to be sure. Especially considering he'd have to have known the families of both of the victims, since neither one of those underlying causes would be obvious from the outside in the moment, neither would be diagnosed on scene by EMTs or paramedics and I doubt the medics would go track down a bystander who helped on a call to give them the cause of death after the fact. He isn't a medic so he wouldn't have ridden along to the ER with them, nor is there any reason for him to be involved once EMS takes over on scene. Of course, the person could have been pronounced dead on scene but that still leaves the root cause undetermined until there's an autopsy, and again-- especially in the case of a minor the medics probably aren't going to go track people from the scene down. I thought for a moment that the five year olds' parents could have told the medics about the PFO on scene and he overheard it, but he also said it was undiagnosed, so how would they have known? Maybe he was friends with the family... Oh the hell with it, who knows.

Also, I assume he means ruptured aneurysm, because they don't kill you until they break open and you start bleeding to death internally. And he'd have to have know the guy, otherwise how'd he know he was Lithuanian?
"Sir! Sir! Are you all right?"
"Death... To the... Teutonic Order..." *dies*
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The families obviously tracked down the brave, jacked and handsome lifeguard who tried to save their love ones, so they could ask for signed copies of his books and then told him all of this private confidential medical information, child.
 
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More info on the toddler's corpse he kissed on the lips before looking at her parents and saying "oopsie doodles"

Counseling for the guilt he felt archived
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Haunted by it for years archived
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He still cries when he's reminded about what he did archived and the CPR scene in question on yt in case any of you creative fellas wants to make a funny edit or something
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Bonus: absolutely real story about performing surgery with dental floss archived
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it's extremely implausible that someone who isn't an EMT would repeatedly be a first responder, hands on with a person when they fuckin die. there are vanishingly low odds of it happening once, let alone twice.
ImportantOpinions said:
Her father places a hand on Patrick's shoulder, telling him he did the best he could have done. His daughter's death isn't his fault.
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as if a guy watching his daughter go lifeless would say "welp good hustle lad but nothing you can do anymore. she has a terminal heart condition I haven't learned about yet." what the fuck pat. maybe you're cool with losing your daughter but most fathers aren't. like in his brain, he would be so noble that a bereaved father looks up to him in the crisis. what an absolute raging narcissist.
edit- "sewed a man's leg back on." lmao what the fuck
 
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Helium Bubble said:
In the ruins of Milwaukee, silence reigns as the sun sinks below the horizon. A lone figure moves furtively through the rubble, clutching a freshly caught rat.

In his hovel of corrugated tin and old plywood, he slowly nurses a fire and cooks the rat. As he lifts the spit off the fire, he remembers the cheeseburgers at Hooligan's and his stomach growls. Suddenly, a footstep crunches on the broken concrete outside-- his heart leaps into his mouth. "Who--who's there, child?"

"I have a delivery for a Mr. Tomlinson." The plywood door creaks open and a hooded figure with an AK slung across his chest steps into the room. "Is that you? It says, 'To the world's greatest science fiction author, Patrick Tomlinson."

"Yes! That's me!"

"Good, here's your mail." A hand reaches out and plucks the spit with the cooked rat from him. "Thanks for the chow. See ya."

"WAIT! That's my--" But the figure is out the door in a moment--the door bangs shut behind him. He sits by the fire, his stomach growling louder, but knowledge will be his only supper tonight. Someone remembers his talent, his contributions to literature! Imagine that-- even after the end, some person of culture, of understanding, still exists-- he tears the envelope open and pulls out the letter--

YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY ME
XOXO
QUASI
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Off-topic and autistic, but I loved this. I want a whole miniseries about a strange, heroic, anonymous courier tracking down the failures of the old world in their ruined post-apocalyptic hovels and reminding them that even after the end of civilization, their deeds have not been wiped away.

The courier is Null, of course. Or possibly Clyde Cash.
 
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Say What Now? said:
"Sewed a man's leg back on with a basketball needle and dental floss."
The fuck he did.
Is he Baron Munchausen himself telling these tall tales?
What the FUCK?
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Yeah, let's just run through this one, huh?
>What the fuck happened at a swimming pool--or in Lake Michigan--that resulted in a leg amputation or partial amputation? In the lake, I could actually buy being hit by a power boat under some bizarre set of circumstances, but the odds are vanishingly small.
>Why was this person not immediately transported to the nearest trauma center? Where were EMS and police?
>What, exactly, is the scope of practice of a fucking lifeguard? Does it include limb reattachment? (Don't bother with Google, it doesn't). Because even paramedics can't do that. And FYI to Pat and any other hard chargers out there-- Knowingly exceeding your scope of practice as a trained medic, or nurse, or NP, or whatever can land you in prison even if you save the person you worked on and even if they don't press charges or even want you punished at all.

Also... Wait...

The poor girl with the heart condition is both five and six years old. Maybe being two different ages at once causes cardiac issues.
 
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Helium Bubble said:
Yeah, let's just run through this one, huh?
>What the fuck happened at a swimming pool--or in Lake Michigan--that resulted in a leg amputation or partial amputation? In the lake, I could actually buy being hit by a power boat under some bizarre set of circumstances, but the odds are vanishingly small.
>Why was this person not immediately transported to the nearest trauma center? Where were EMS and police?
>What, exactly, is the scope of practice of a fucking lifeguard? Does it include limb reattachment? (Don't bother with Google, it doesn't). Because even paramedics can't do that. And FYI to Pat and any other hard chargers out there-- Knowingly exceeding your scope of practice as a trained medic, or nurse, or NP, or whatever can land you in prison even if you save the person you worked on and even if they don't press charges or even want you punished at all.

Also... Wait...

The poor girl with the heart condition is both five and six years old. Maybe being two different ages at once causes cardiac issues.
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This has to be one of the stupidest lies he has ever told. You cannot just fucking sew on a severed limb. There are blood vessels and nerves and bones and muscle. You have to reconnect the blood flow properly to avoid the limb dying, rejecting, and rotting. It takes a trained surgeon to sew on so much as a finger tip, even then only about 80-85% of limbs are successfully reattached.

Even if he is just being an exaggerating little piglet child, and he more means that he sewed up a big cut, there is absolutely a zero percent chance emergency personnel would instruct a completely uninformed idiot to perform stitches in the field unless they were somehow far far away from civilization. Especially not with floss and a basketball needle. Performing stitches in an unsterilized environment without proper wound cleaning is a recipe for infection. Paramedics do not even typically stitch. They would have told him to hold pressure on a wound, or WORST CASE, apply a tourniquet.
 
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Helium Bubble said:
Yeah, let's just run through this one, huh?
>What the fuck happened at a swimming pool--or in Lake Michigan--that resulted in a leg amputation or partial amputation? In the lake, I could actually buy being hit by a power boat under some bizarre set of circumstances, but the odds are vanishingly small.
>Why was this person not immediately transported to the nearest trauma center? Where were EMS and police?
>What, exactly, is the scope of practice of a fucking lifeguard? Does it include limb reattachment? (Don't bother with Google, it doesn't). Because even paramedics can't do that. And FYI to Pat and any other hard chargers out there-- Knowingly exceeding your scope of practice as a trained medic, or nurse, or NP, or whatever can land you in prison even if you save the person you worked on and even if they don't press charges or even want you punished at all.

Also... Wait...

The poor girl with the heart condition is both five and six years old. Maybe being two different ages at once causes cardiac issues.
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I love how his attempt to tell people a lie about how he was a heroic lifeguard in the past is immediately less believable than his fictional story about a tranny space crab
 
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