The resident of 1 Ukraine Street, Volodymyr Zelenskyy was woken in the early morning by something slamming into his front door.
He opened it bleary-eyed to see that a fluffy wearing a tin can as a helmet had been banging it’s head on his door.
Another fluffy walked up as Volodymyr managed to shake himself fully awake. It looked even more rat-like than a normal fluffy. Behind it Volodymyr could see a huge herd of fluffies, all of them wearing tin-can armor.
“Am Pootin. Am Smawty. Dis am Smawty wand nao!”
A smarty? Damnit.
Volodymyr did not have the time to deal with this shit.
“No, this is my land.”
“NU! DIS SMAWTY POOTIN’S WAND! Dis was awayes Smawty’s wand.”
“Leave now.”
“Yu am Nazi!”
Volodymyr blinked. How did this fluffy even learn that word?
“I’m not. I’m Jewish for fuck’s sake. Now get off my property.”
“Yu am huwting Smawty Pootin’s hewd! So Smawty and hewd take wand.”
“That’s absurd. I haven’t hurt any of you. You’re just making up excuses to steal my land!”
“Smawty and hewd wiw wound you and aww da otha hoomens hewe dat twy tu stop Smawty and put dem in camps! Den wiw gib you aww fowebah sweepies!”
Volodymyr decided to just end it by killing the smarty, but the little SOB dodged behind it’s tin-can armored army.
This bullshit had gone far enough, but he didn’t have the arms to deal with this. Slamming the door, Volodymyr pulled out his phone and dialed up an ally.
“Hey there, Jack! You’ve reached the Biden residence. What’s up?”
“It’s Volodymyr, not Jack, Joe. And I’ve got a herd of fluffies trying to steal my land!”
“Just kill the smarty and the rest will scatter.”
“They’ve got arms I don’t. Can’t you do something? You’re the President of your homeowner’s association, can you send in some exterminators?”
“I’m really sorry, but given the circumstances, the USA Condos Homeowners Association getting involved could result in nuclear war.”
“How could sending exterminators after fluffies result in that?”
“This is a parody of a real life situation and we’re trying to keep it as close to what’s actually happened as possible before the cathartic ending.”
There was a crashing sound coming from Biden’s end.
“Sorry, the fourth wall broke. I’ll try to get it fixed by the time this call’s finished though.”
“Look Joe, if you can’t send people can you send stuff I can use to get rid of these fluffies?”
“You betcha! If there’s one thing the USA can do it’s put weapons into the hands of people who’ll use them!”
Over the next day 1 Ukraine Street received several deliveries, the delivery people having to avoid the fluffy army that had massed at the border and was making forays into Ukrainian territory.
At 5 AM the next day the fluffies attacked.
“Smawty Pootin and hewd of tanks gunna woww aww owbah Ukwaine!”
Pootin then heard the sound of rotating blades. He looked up to see Volodymyr pushing an extremely large and powerful lawnmower into the midst of his herd.
Fluffy ‘tanks’ who had thought themselves invulnerable (not that they could spell or even say ‘invulnerable’) were chewed to pieces, most shitting themselves as they died.
Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, Pootin ran away and hid. He did so by running into the newly-installed doghouse on Volodymyr’s lawn and covering his eyes with his hooves.
“Dummeh hoomen nu find smawty if smawty nu can see hoomen.”
Having finished turning Pootin’s army into fertilizer (and then run over them several more times just to be sure) Volodymyr began looking for the fascist shitrat. Then he saw where the smarty had ran to hide and smiled.
“You should come out and surrender, Pootin.”
“NU! SMAWTY GUNNA GIB YOU AWW FOWEBAH SWEEPIES AND WOWSTEST HUWTIEST ENFIES! YOU GUNNA BE SOWWY!!!”
“That lawnmower wasn’t all Joe sent over. His pet was having roughhousing issues so he sent him here in the hopes this would get it out of his system.”
Pootin uncovered his eyes.
“…wut?”
The smarty looked up. Inside the dog house with him was the biggest bawkie-munstah Pootin had ever seen. A dogtag hanging from his collar announced his name was “Major,” but Pootin couldn’t read.
Major lunged.
Pootin would have shit himself if he hadn’t emptied his bowels during the lawnmower incident. Shit being his only remaining weapon, he therefore found himself even more defenseless than fluffies usually are as Major seized his right leg and flailed the fluffy around like a rag doll until it ripped off.
“NU!!! WEGGIE!!!”
Pootin tried to use his remaining legs to run away, but doing so only caused Major to lose interest in the severed leg and go for the smarty’s tail. Which first had the fluff ripped off it before Major’s gnashing teeth chewed through it.
“PWEASE HEWP POOTIN! AM SOWWY! NU NO WAT DU WONG BUT PWOMISE NEBAH DO IT AGAIN!”
Volodymyr responded appropriately to the smarty’s pleas.
“Fuck you, shitrat.”
Having really gotten into his playtime, Major took his time tugging at Pootin’s front left leg, gnawing at it until he got bored and ripped it off, taking a strip of flesh off the smarty’s side in the process.
“huhuhu…Pootin nu do anyting wong, why meanie bawkie-munstah gib huwties?”
Major gave no answer beyond taking the smarty’s last leg in his teeth.
“PWEASE STOP!!! Need weggies tu wun an pway an gib huwties to mawes an babbehs an stawions who can’t fite back!!! How sposed to cwush enemies wen nu hab weggies?”
Pootin got that answer when Major grabbed his remaining leg, put a paw on his head and PULLED, shredding the flesh but leaving the bone intact. Right up until he started chomping on it.
Volodymyr heard the sickening snaps and cracks as Pootin’s screams reached a crescendo. Then the newly pillowed and de-legged smarty was thrown out of the doghouse in front of him. Major trotted out immediately afterwards, muzzle covered in blood and tongue lolling out happily.
“Huhuhu, Pootin wose hewd, Pootin wose wegs, Pootin wose taiw, dis wowstest huwties ebah!!!”
“Yeah, about that? Biden sent this in his care package too.”
Pootin lifted his head to see Volodymyr was holding a jar of peanut butter and a butter knife. Then he was flipped onto his back.
“What hoomen doing? Wet Smawty go!”
“Should have thought of that before you invaded, you fascist shitrat.”
Volodymyr used the knife to smear Pootin’s genitals with the peanut butter. Then shoved the smarty towards Major with his foot.
“NUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!”
Pootin had only a moment for realization of what was about to happen to his penis and testicles before his entire world became nothing but pain.
By the time Major had gotten all the peanut butter, Pootin’s crotch resembled a bowl of tuna salad with raisins that someone had shoved a weed-whacker into, But he could still feel all the pain.
“Huuuu…”
Having gotten bored of his new toy, Major turned, raised his leg, and urinated directly into Pootin’s newest wound.
Volodymyr walked over and looked down.
“How are you feeling there, shitrat?”
“wannadie wannadie wannadie wannadie wannadie wannadie.”
“Well, I wanted you to not invade. Looks like neither of us gets what we want.”
Pulling on a pair of gloves, Volodymyr picks up the defeated and now-suicidal smarty and drops him into a garbage bag.
“I’ve got an empty aquarium and enough of that fake water you can’t drown in to fill it. You’ll be spending quite a bit of time in there, shitrat.”
His land no longer in danger of invasion, Volodymyr Zelenskyy walked into his house and shut the door.