Aaway
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Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental
- Thread starter Gentlebastard
- Start date
GoodFattyDeadFatty
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I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw that. My head canon is that he used the Macbook to shoop himself holding the the strainer. Idk how the physics of it would work but I want to believe.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2021
Jack defying gravity is more believable than Jack putting effort into editing.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
So let's dissect this particular specimen, since Jack is out and desperate to pretend this trend he's desperately trying to hop on years late is his "Favorite".
1. Intro still is comically bad. I still feel more for Hope than I do this fat fucking narcissist who can't understand scared dog noises. Jack still looks massively special needs when he does his vacant smile suggesting 0 brain cells left.
2. Jack honestly tries to use the "not a chef" shield to protect his ego less than 30 seconds in. This excuse doesn't fucking work however given that he's been doing this shit for over 15 years and has only gotten lazier and worse than when he first started.
2b. Especially given back in the old days he actually did a variety of foods, and not just "meat, shreddy cheese, and fat".
3. He's trying to appeal to a new audience with his intro for those curious; this one is him explaining his show, assuming that he might magically ooze his way into new recommendeds.
4. Oh yeah, the set. So Jack's masturbation bacon grease is still out. Cafe sign is still out too. Wearing a nike shirt rather than his shitty Bitmoji stuff due to it being copyright claimed by the company. It actually looks less bad than the previous shirts, which is why I KNOW we're gonna see him wear his really awful new shirt design soon.
5. Jack is pretending that a dish from Jalisco, which was brought over and modified years ago by LA vendors making it easier to sell is new. Jack is as late to trends as he is with getting therapy for his dead arm via stroke.
6. "Doesn't happen often" ~ Glutton who constantly follows and stalks food places for news like a crazy man stalks a hooker who took his virginity
7. Jack tries to roll his rs for the birria name. He then begins to talk about how he learned about it: via the restaurants he shits up and stalks for his Fats on the Go.
7b. Also bold of him to assume all mexican restaurants have birria anything. Also dead wrong; for a thought experiment I checked my "local mexican restaurants" and there are two places out of quite a few that sell it.
8. "My drive thru where I get my street tacos from-" ~ Jack on how taco bell is street food
9. Jack, because he can't be arsed to do research, of course gets Birria wrong. Again, it is a stew dish that uses goat, mutton, or beef originally from Jalisco province. It's similar to barbacoa or chili actually, but it by itself is a stew.
9b. What Jack is making is instead called quesabirria, which was invented in the LA/Tijuana region by street vendors. A good street food, but it is ultimately a different dish, much like how a cheesesteak is not a french dip.
10. Jack doesn't even get the idea fucking correct. Quesabirria is cooked using the same seasoning and methods that you would normal birria, and then it's drained and cooked with cheese inside the taco tortilla that is grilled. Jack is gonna fuck this up.
10b. By the way? The consomme sauce that you get from these places? It's the beef water from the stewing process. So you DON'T make it fresh; you reuse what you cooked. I bet Jack's gonna fuck this up too.
11. "that rich brown beautiful Adjeu you call it" ~ wot
12. And of course he's pretending he will ever admit if he didn't cook this correctly. Fuck off you severe cluster B headcase.
13. This meal is Jack's fav because traditional quesabirria is purely meat, cheese, and carb laden tortillas. What a goober who lies about dieting.
14. Jack then threatens us with a glut of Fat on the Goes where he just stares with no brain at a menu before gurgling "Birria" instead of fajitas.
15. Jack brags about how hard it is to find dried peppers. He's dead fucking wrong, in that most supermarkets usually have some selection of those in their international food section, but that'd require him to not be locked in a car like a child while Tammy actually shops.
15b. He does at least get the right ones; guajilo peppers are what you need for this dish.
16. He hilariously pre-emptively deflects getting criticized for his Spanish pronunciation by going "I haven't taken Spanish since 10th grade". My guess is PC shitting on the time he tried to pronounce "CHOREET-ZO" right got stuck in his craw for some reason at the time of filming.
16b. Yep, he's angy. He began loud-talking when he took Spanish. So he has no shame in looking like a pants shitting retard with his clothing choice and facial expressions. But he gets giga angy when people make fun of his pronunciation. What a goober.
17. As for the rest of the ingredients, it's pretty clear he's aping this recipe given them. It's also lazy and a shit way to actually enjoy them, since the bouillon cube is a cheap and shitty short-cut for making a broth. Do the real broth instead. It isn't hard.
17. Also you don't need a lot of spices. Honestly just black pepper, salt, coriander, cinnamon, and bay leaves do the trick. Source for that here.
18. Jack almost forgot that the recipe he's stealing from included garlic and just barely catches himself. Reminder he bullied Jr. for every time he screwed up whenever Jack dragged him onto the show on the prop. So laugh at the fat man for his mistake. It's what he'd do to his own son.
19. Jack is getting giggly and excited over all the meat and cheese and carbs he's gonna shove down his throat.
20. Jack is just going to stew these meats in a big fucking cluster. The better option would be to brown all the sides so you can get a fond build up and then saute your vegetables from there to add more richness and get the delicious mailliard reaction goo. Then put in your stock to deglaze and add your meat back in.
21. Yeah, this is just Jack plopping everything into a big pot. Both correct and incorrect. You'd want to do this with stock, but of course this is what the stupid bouillon cubes are for.
21b. Also predicting right now Jack won't blend the peppers when they're softened, despite that adding a powerful flavor booster back into the stewing when you do.
22. Oh FUCK OFF WITH THAT SALT LOAD JACK
22b. He's adding salt on top of the THREE bouillon cubes. So we're talking something like several GRAMS of salt, well above the normal amount a human should have a day. Reminder this is probably why he stroked out at least one time.
23. Jack conveniently fade cuts away from "checkin' da flame" but also so you can't hear how many times the oven clicks on. My guess is to hide he's cooking this at a higher heat than you should be.
24. "I lowered it a little bit so it didn't foam up" ~ Jack on cooking something that should be low and slow
24b. If it's vigorously boiling like this, you fucking screwed up.
25. Jack is such a gastrosexual and desperate for praise of any kind he shows the uncooked cannibal stew like it's of any pride at all. Ignore that he just plopped shit into a bowl; ignore that he didn't make his own fucking stock. No. Praise him for plopping shit into a bowl.
26. Jack, purely for demonstrative purposes and to lie to the audience, scoops out a whole two spoons worth of muck from the boiling cartoon stew. He can't be fucked to do any more, so expect this to turn cloudy.
27. Oh wow, he's actually going to gather the peppers to blend them. I didn't expect him to even fucking bother with this step. Kudos at doing this at least.
27b. I will say though you want to give it more like an hour before you blend the peppers. Let them truly soften.
28. "Looks pretty smooth" HAHA FUCK NO
28b. So yeah, no Jack didn't blend these peppers enough. Nor did he let them soften enough. There's still chunks of them in that blend. What a maroon.
29. Jack does some performative fake passion just to try and lie to himself and the audience that this is going well. I mean, in some respects it is given the meat should actually be done for once. Though given he also didn't remove the silverskin from the ribs, probably not.
30. Jack is almost correct in that you will use the fats from the broth to fry the tortilla when you're done. He's still not bothering to be thorough in removing scum though... this is why you make the stock first. It makes this easier.
31. Fat Jack, hungee beyond measure, dipped bread into the broth because he couldn't wait another two hours before eating. This is not normal thinking.
32. Someone actually helps slightly this time, which is a surprise tbh. Hope is barking and really desperate for some form of attention, which Jack will not give due to his severe personality disorder and out of jealousy. Sorry Hope, but Jack is the guy who gets attention, not you.
33. WHY WOULD YOU LET THE GREASE HARDEN YOU FUCKING RETARD?!
33b. NO YOU JUST.... ugh. So here's what you actually do. You take the greasy goo, dip the tortilla into it, and then fry it no issue, ideally with a nice mexican cheese or just non-shreddy cheese in general. Jack made this harder for himself for no reason.
34. Hope is having a mild psychological breakdown as Jack shoves more grease into the skillet than needed. Poor poor dog.
35. Jack's final product looks horrible. I can't see any cheese in these overstuffed fucking tacos, though my guess is they've been absorbed by the meat in a horrific manner.
35b. Fun fact: quesabirria? It's actually half-taco, half-quesadilla, all delicious.
36. Also I finally realized what Jack is calling an "adjew"... it's the consomme sauce made from the birria broth. It's called consomme despite not actually being the french stuff.
37. Also Jack is wrong on how to eat quesabirria. Oh sure, you can french dip it, but you can also sip the broth or just not have any and eat as is. You do put a bit of it into the taco anyway.
38. Jack does creepy disgusting foreplay as he gets sexual gratification from stirring his taco around in the consomme. I wish I was dead.
39. Jack shoves half the taco into his mouth and you see a flash of bloodlust from the wendigo as he chomps down. This is like a horror movie, I am not kidding.
40. "It came out dripping, It came out amazing. It was worth all the time" ~ Jack right before shoving as much of a taco down his throat as possible
41. Jack belatedly "learns" that spending time cooking usually makes a better product. He'll forget this lesson like he always does though because he's lazy and demands instant gratification.
42. Last fifteen seconds are him looking like the special needs person he is at the end screen. It's fucking comical how hard he's disavowing bitmoji after finally getting slapped. It also really shows how self-centered and incapable of understanding looks he is too.
I'll at least say it was cooked all the way.
FatJacksFatAssTongue
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abobe
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Elon Musk's deal with Twitter has been dead since he violated an NDC he signed with them. This is purely a face-saving measure on his part.
Super Hans
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- Feb 29, 2020
What a cocksucker. Can't wait for Jack's videos to be 2 minutes long, half that being the intro and the other proclaiming it a home run recipe. It's not like he has to explain or show anything, 'it's obvious how it's made.'
captkrisma
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- Feb 3, 2013
Way to stretch your dollar Jack! If you purchased everything on Jack's table, the total would come to around $75-80 for the two of them.
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- Jun 27, 2019
I think that's Jack holding the strainer. If that's the case, who is pouring out the pot? If that's Tammy, she's really ballooned up.
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2013
The intro on this is weird and rambling even by Jack's standards, and contains an inadvertent nugget of truth: "OK guys. Welcome to the cooking show. My name's Jack Scalfani. It's the Cooking With Jack Show, if you haven't experienced it yet, it's a blast, it's really laid low, I'm not a chef, a lot of people say chef, but I'm not professionally trained, I'm a home cook, we do everything from barbecue to kitchen reviews, on appliances and stuff, but today there's a new food that's exciting me."
M-W definition of lay low:
1: to bring or strike to earth; fell
2: to knock out of a fight or out of action
3: kill
Also Jack: gets offended when someone asks why he didn't show how to fry the tacos
M-W definition of lay low:
1: to bring or strike to earth; fell
2: to knock out of a fight or out of action
3: kill
Jack: spends 20 seconds of runtime putting meat into a pot
Also Jack: gets offended when someone asks why he didn't show how to fry the tacos
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2016
I know it's a one way ticket to banville, but God do I want someone to rip this fat cunt a new one. He's so miserable to literally any and everyone that's a "fan."
>hey Jack, why'd you skip the actual cooking portion of the vid?
>wow I didn't think you wanted to watch me cook on a cooking show
V4L_Penis
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- Feb 3, 2021
He's too retarded to do keto right. You're still supposed to watch your calories, exercise, and eat non-starchy vegetables. It's not a free pass to gorge on meat abominations drowned in cheese sauce like mushbrain treats it. Speaking of cheese, you can't just eat as much cheese as you want either, it's got a lot of fat but it also has other macros that could knock you out of ketosis. It's not a magic bullet and if you're being a lazy, gluttonous faggot you'll remain just as fat and unhealthy as when you "started" keto. Or in Jack's case, get even fatter and more unhealthy.
That Damned Tiger
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- Nov 15, 2018
For a guy whose whole shtick is producing a cooking channel on YouTube, Jack's shit at actually "cooking", ie he leaves out the cooking. I know I'm stating the obvious. His smooth-brained defensiveness about being called on it is pissing me off. Unless you want to count 'just heat up enough to shove down the gullet and sate the wendingo as cooking".
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2021
Revolvers? Gun spergs, feel free to correct me, but don't you need both hands to properly shoot most revolvers?
Joycondrift
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- Jul 27, 2021
Nah you can shoot them one handed.
Two handed is best for manipulation to pop the cylinder out. But you can fix a "malfunction" such as a dead round by either recocking the hammer or just pulling the trigger again.
A malfunction in a semi auto needs two hands. Or fancy manipulation racking the slide on the heel of your shoe or edge of your belt using the sights.
Neither of which jack would be able to do.
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2021
I'm pretty sure you can fire a revolver if a ninja cuts one of your hands off. I saw a documentary about that, I think.
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Super Hans
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- Feb 29, 2020
Reloading would be a bitch and a half, but just firing it is easy. Haven't you seen any westerns? Cowboys always would have a gun in each hand during shootouts.
As for what Jack realistically could use, maybe a coach gun? If his dead arm isn't literally dead, he could hold the stock in his armpit by squeezing against his side and using his good arm to reload.