Grand Jury speculation thread

[Dumb Bitch Smoothie]

Remember when we started posting pictures of cats in the Kyle Rittenhouse thread?

The Kyle Rittenhouse thread was a blast.
Kinda sad we won't get a live reaction thread for this, because it would be one of the greatest threads in this site's history. Blending old culture and new culture is my jam.

I'm looking forward to the spergouts nonetheless, even if it won't be televised.

 

[Nicest Person on a Honda]

Since Chris did not get released I am assuming that he was charged, given the 99%+ true bill findings of grand juries.
There is a pre-trial hearing tommarow, my guess is that this is when Chris will formally be charged, but I am not sure how VA courts work.

 

[Ass Johnson]

Since Chris did not get released I am assuming that he was charged, given the 99%+ true bill findings of grand juries.
There is a pre-trial hearing tommarow, my guess is that this is when Chris will formally be charged, but I am not sure how VA courts work.

None of the cases scheduled for today have results as of the time I'm writing this. The clerks office is closed so we might not get an update until tomorrow unless they have night staff.

But hey. we can get more info on that mystery motion at the same time

 

[Angry Nipple]

So… this means he was indicted and it’s going to trial, yes?

 

[TheLastJoestar]

The only precautions my retarded parents took after 9/11 was wearing a mask, goggles, and gloves to handle the mail due to possible anthrax attacks.

Oh if you were in school between Sept 2001 and 2003, that shit was a fucking TRIP. Remember Terrorism and Gas attack drills?

Bring some shit in a plastic container, if the terrorists drop gas, we're going to go to the school gymnasium or cafeteria and live there. Don't ask if our doors are air-tight - they aren't

The theatrics of that time were something else, man. Maybe that's why millennials are so fucked up. We've outdone ourselves with Covid. We took a meme flu that only kills centennials and turned it into the Milgram Experiment with masks and vaccines mixed with Game of Pearl Thrones. He with the most toilet paper, rules them all!

Maybe we've been in the merge this whole time. Maybe the first 2 -3 decades of the 2000s was the merge. What if Chris got it wrong by 2 decades? Maybe Clown World IS the merge.

 

[OrsonZedd]

Give Us Barabbas!

Barabbus Sonichu.

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

I hope this trial's gonna make The OJ and Zimmerman trials look like a warm up act.

Well. Chris made a man shoving his hand up a Turkey's ass look like a warm up act.

Judge: "Ladies & Gentlemen Of The Jury, have you reached a verdict?"

Jury: "We have your honor! On count one, being socially repugnant and smelling like a wet rag saturated in mildew, we find the defendent guilty."

Judge: "What about the incest? Do you find him guilty on that?"

Jury: "Yes, your honor, and also having sex with a corpse"

 

[Fuck Taxes]

Good news, gamers. I've received a revelation from Jesus Weston Christ.

The Jerkops lose again.

 

[Autistic Sandwich]

A lot of people keep forgetting some stuff here.

Heilberg's job is not setting Chris free.
Heilberg's job is making sure Chris receives a fair trial.

A fair trial means sometimes people go to prison because they were (proven) guilty.

Also, Chris is judged for one specific charge. He's either declared guilty or not.
Everything else is irrelevant.
Therefore, "A Comprehensive History" won't be playing in court, nor any other statements that may be speculative or constitute hearsay will be admitted.

 

[Nestor Makhno]

A lot of people keep forgetting some stuff here.

Heilberg's job is not setting Chris free.
Heilberg's job is making sure Chris receives a fair trial.

A fair trial means sometimes people go to prison because they were (proven) guilty.

Also, Chris is judged for one specific charge. He's either declared guilty or not.
Everything else is irrelevant.
Therefore, "A Comprehensive History" won't be playing in court, nor any other statements that may be speculative or constitute hearsay will be admitted.

Heilberg's job is to defend Chris. Lawyers do all sorts of scummy and shady things, that's how they have their reputation. If a client confesses to a lawyer that they did the crime, the lawyer can't do anything even if they wanted to, it's the whole client-lawyer confidentiality thing. It's the job of the police or something to make sure trials are fair.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

A lot of people keep forgetting some stuff here.

Heilberg's job is not setting Chris free.
Heilberg's job is making sure Chris receives a fair trial.

A fair trial means sometimes people go to prison because they were (proven) guilty.

Also, Chris is judged for one specific charge. He's either declared guilty or not.
Everything else is irrelevant.
Therefore, "A Comprehensive History" won't be playing in court, nor any other statements that may be speculative or constitute hearsay will be admitted.

Incorrect. A defense attorney's obligation is zealous defense of his client, as an officer of the court.

"Defense counsel have the difficult task of serving both as officers of the court and as loyal and zealous advocates for their clients. The primary duties that defense counsel owe to their clients, to the administration of justice, and as officers of the court, are to serve as their clients’ counselor and advocate with courage and devotion; to ensure that constitutional and other legal rights of their clients are protected; and to render effective, high-quality legal representation with integrity."

ABA Defense Counsel Guidelines

Defense counsel are charged with zealous defense of their client, not to nanny the system nor to perform minimal tending to the general judicial functionality.

 

[Aegeus]

Yes, your honor, and also having sex with a corpse

The whole thing with Chris pounding the Barbussy reminds me of one of the earliest Tales from the Crypt episodes, one from Season 2 in 1990 (I'm old).

The synopsis from IMDB is: "Enoch, the two-faced man, an attraction at a sideshow, falls in love with a 4,000 year old mummy, eventually leading up to the conception of their bastard child, The Crypt Keeper."

 

[ToroidalBoat]

So… this means he was indicted and it’s going to trial, yes?

So the charge is a felony for sure now, and no longer a "swinger" to a misdemeanor?

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

So the charge is a felony for sure now, and no longer a "swinger" to a misdemeanor?

Chris' new business card, "Goddess, Beauty, Christ, Internet Celebrity, once convicted and soon to be triple felon.

 

[FamicomGorby]

View attachment 3578416
So… this means he was indicted and it’s going to trial, yes?

There was literally zero doubt he was gonna get indicted unless you were fuckin retarded. Basically no case goes before a grand jury and doesn't come back with an indictment unless the prosecutor completely fucked up the case.

Chris has a hearing tomorrow, most likely he'll enter a plea then. If he listens to his lawyer it'll be a guilty plea, he'll get some plea deal that gets him out with probation and into a group home. If he spergs out and says not guilty they'll set a trial date.

 

[Autistic Sandwich]

Heilberg's job is to defend Chris. Lawyers do all sorts of scummy and shady things, that's how they have their reputation. If a client confesses to a lawyer that they did the crime, the lawyer can't do anything even if they wanted to, it's the whole client-lawyer confidentiality thing. It's the job of the police or something to make sure trials are fair.

"Defense counsel have the difficult task of serving both as officers of the court and as loyal and zealous advocates for their clients. The primary duties that defense counsel owe to their clients, to the administration of justice, and as officers of the court, are to serve as their clients’ counselor and advocate with courage and devotion; to ensure that constitutional and other legal rights of their clients are protected; and to render effective, high-quality legal representation with integrity."

Yeah, Heilberg's job is to defend Chris from unfair trial.

It's like people forget recent past history... when the accused party had to prove their own innocence?
In many countries, it still works like that nowadays.

Spoiler: Legalspeging

Fake witnesses, speculation, hearsay, prejudice, psychological manipulation, and so on, those are all things could be used against anyone.
The defendant's job is to protect the client from all that.
...especially when the accused is an exceptional individual who doesn't know any better.

Your defendant can't magically spin things around to your advantage if/when the prosecution brings evidence of your guilt of the charges presented against you.
The defendant can object against some evidence, but ultimately it's the judge's prerogative to rule what is admitted and what is rejected.
Your defendant is meant to defend your right to presumption of innocence, prevent bogus evidence to be used against you.

Heilberg's job also includes preventing this trial from turning into a lolcow milking contest.
It still means "A Comprehensive History" won't be playing in court.

I rest my case.

 

[Philosophy Phil]

Yeah, Heilberg's job is to defend Chris from unfair trial.

It's like people forget recent past history... when the accused party had to prove their own innocence?
In many countries, it still works like that nowadays.

Spoiler: Legalspeging

Fake witnesses, speculation, hearsay, prejudice, psychological manipulation, and so on, those are all things could be used against anyone.
The defendant's job is to protect the client from all that.
...especially when the accused is an exceptional individual who doesn't know any better.

Your defendant can't magically spin things around to your advantage if/when the prosecution brings evidence of your guilt of the charges presented against you.
The defendant can object against some evidence, but ultimately it's the judge's prerogative to rule what is admitted and what is rejected.
Your defendant is meant to defend your right to presumption of innocence, prevent bogus evidence to be used against you.

Heilberg's job also includes preventing this trial from turning into a lolcow milking contest.
It still means "A Comprehensive History" won't be playing in court.

I rest my case.

Objection! I found that argument....objectionable!

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

Heilberg's job also includes preventing this trial from turning into a lolcow milking contest.
It still means "A Comprehensive History" won't be playing in court.

Unless Geno reenacts the crime with a man he met on Grindr.

 

[Pointless Sperg]

The only potentially interesting thing is if the prosecutor (or the grand jury itself which will probably not) compels Chris himself to testify to get his testimony on the record and prevent him changing his story later. I doubt this is going to happen, and even if it did, we wouldn't know unless he testified and contradicted himself at trial, in which case it could be used to impeach or in an independent perjury prosecution.

At bare minimum I'd hope that Heilberg explained the fifth amendment to Chris. Grand juries don't usually bother to talk to the defendant since their lawyer will tell them to shut the fuck up about anything related to the charges.

If a client confesses to a lawyer that they did the crime, the lawyer can't do anything even if they wanted to, it's the whole client-lawyer confidentiality thing. It's the job of the police or something to make sure trials are fair.

Confessing to your attorney is a bad idea. They can't tell anyone that you confessed, but they also can't lie on your behalf. Even when everyone knows you're guilty, you still shouldn't confess on general principles, and discuss plea bargains in the hypothetical. Just being *able* to fight the charges more effectively helps with your bargaining position, even if a conviction is a foregone conclusion.

Most of the time if you're guilty your attorney has a pretty good idea that it's the case, but if you don't confirm it they have more flexibility in what they can say.

 

[ScaliasGhost]

It's the job of the police or something to make sure trials are fair

Hahahahahahahahahaha. The job of police is to find evidence of crimes, not to be fair.

Without getting to much into it, it is, technically, the job of the judge to ensure the trial, and proceedings in general, are fair. Which is why all motions, disagreements, objections, etc... are ruled on by him or her. It's Chris's attorney's job to hold the State to it's burden, to advocate for what "fair" means in the context of his client, and to advocate for the best outcome for his client.