Mesdames et messieurs, nous avons l'honneur ce soir, de vous présenter la nouvelle collection de Brian-
Oh no, sorry, the Steam release of revolution 60 has to be delayed again because neither Wu nor the "team" can work on it and watching Mr. Robot is more important that getting your super exciting game on the market.
Wu played a grand total of ~6 Minutes of XCOM 2 after making Frank out to be a begging little bitch and denying him.
https://archive.is/GIISE (grabbed 15 Feb. 2016 00:14:55) — XCOM2 - 0.9 hrs on record, last played on 6 Feb
https://archive.is/QS9Hv (grabbed 15 Feb. 2016 12:58:04) — XCOM2 - 1.0 hrs on record, last played on 14 Feb
Definitely no made up story about Frank begging to be able to work on something that has a deadline and Wu hogging the machine. Not a lie at all. Nope.
Mesdames et messieurs, nous avons l'honneur ce soir, de vous présenter la nouvelle collection de Brian-
Oh no, sorry, the Steam release of revolution 60 has to be delayed again because neither Wu nor the "team" can work on it and watching Mr. Robot is more important that getting your super exciting game on the market.
Mesdames et messieurs, nous avons l'honneur ce soir, de vous présenter la nouvelle collection de Brian-
Oh no, sorry, the Steam release of revolution 60 has to be delayed again because neither Wu nor the "team" can work on it and watching Mr. Robot is more important that getting your super exciting game on the market.
What does Frank actually get out of his relationship? If he just wanted to get fucked by a tranny, you can find hundreds of them on craigslist for free. Does he get off on being treated as a mobile ATM? Is he suffering from utterly twisted male guilt and is punishing himself by living with Bri-Bri? Is he just as psychotic as she is? I mean, from photos of the guy, he's not really ugly or anything, and he's rich, so it's not as though he can't do better.
Good points. However, I would like to point out, purely from a logistical sense, due to Wu having his penis refactored and optimized away, it's Frank who is either fucking John, or perhaps more likely, there is some kind of bizarre cuckhold domination and denial thing thats going on where they both get off on working him up and leaving him frustrated. While I'm sure there were a number of one-off tranny hookers from CL before John, it seams clear that Frank is in for the long-game.
So much ignoring going on that Wu is butting heads with the pronoun crowd and simultaniously talking about the horrible Gamergate harassment. Such a horrible life, but what can you do.
Good points. However, I would like to point out, purely from a logistical sense, due to Wu having his penis refactored and optimized away, it's Frank who is either fucking John, or perhaps more likely, there is some kind of bizarre cuckhold domination and denial thing thats going on where they both get off on working him up and leaving him frustrated. While I'm sure there were a number of one-off tranny hookers from CL before John, it seams clear that Frank is in for the long-game.
"I'M BEING THE BIGGER PERSON DAMN IT" is like the wordier version of <3. When she starts saying it, you know she doesn't have any real counterargument and is falling back on smugness.
Election Eve is the worst. I've read other stories that are more hilariously bad, or have elements that are worse than what you see in this story, but as a whole, Election Eve manages to still be worse than any of those. And more in a sad way than in a funny one.
The grammar and awkward phrasing is the least of this book's problems, so I won't even get into that.
Basically, John would much rather ensure that the reader knows every tiny bit of backstory and character description than create an engaging narrative. The plot grinds to a halt whenever something happens so that John can tell us something, because John can't handle the idea of the reader not seeing his characters perfectly. It's more important to know that Holiday has weird scrotum heart hair than it is to see what she does. There is absolutely no room for personal interpretation. John is always there to make sure your vision conforms to his.
For context, the prologue alone is 13696 words. This is almost the length of a fucking novella. There is absolutely no situation ever where a prologue should be this long. And make no mistake, it's entirely due to John's autistic obsession with describing his characters. Because what do the characters actually do in these 13969 words?
Allison and Brea go get coffee
They decide to go get Lani
They try to get back to graduation
The car gets a flat
They accidentally blow up a building with their car
Lani freaks out
Brea and Allison talk to the press and the cops
Then they make it to graduation
That's eight major actions. None of these are particularly complicated, and in fact, I was a bit generous in compiling that list, as a number of the points could probably be combined. And, ironically, for the amount of detail John puts into his characters, his actions play out as quickly as possible.
For example, this is a building exploding. And the main characters might get in trouble (we'll forget about the fact that they won't because they're Mary Sues). How does John describe this?
The Aston-Martin was gathering up speed as in rolled backwards. Now it was flying down the hill out of control. Other drivers on the road swerved out of its careening path to avoid it.
At the bottom of the hill was the dormitory complex still under construction, LV Gamma, the grandest campus property of them all. Absolutely no expense had been spared in the opulence of the new building, thanks to generous education funding by the state Senate. Wi-fi Internet access, power and natural gas lines ran exposed up the sides of the building, the natural gas lines less out of student demand than of political correctness. Raw construction had been nonstop for several years now, and conservatives and opinions column in the state screamed bloody murder over the insane expense of the building.
The construction crews had built equipment to make their job a little easier. This included a crane to position steel girders, which Brea’s car was now barreling towards, along with a large tanker of gasoline to power in.
The explosion was spectacular, the best Allison had ever seen. Fragments sprayed out like graffiti from LV Gamma and what was left of Brea’s car.
You'll notice that there is no drama here. That's because the narrator decides to describe the dormitory complex in detail as the car is rolling down the hill. In fact, there are more words about that dormitory complex, and about the construction equipment, then there is about the car rolling toward a gas tank.
Then all we get about the explosion is "The explosion was spectacular, the best Allison had ever seen. Fragments sprayed out like graffiti from LV Gamma and what was left of Brea’s car."
We are told so much during this exchange. John tells us everything. But what do I see? Nothing. Allison just stands there like she's bored and tells me the explosion was spectacular. She doesn't scream out in excitement, or jump up in the air, or do anything that might indicate this is the best explosion she's ever seen. This makes me bored.
But at least Allison reacted. Did Brea just disappear? Does she not give a shit that they just blew up a building?
God, this brings me to another problem. A book is supposed to reflect a character's thoughts. Even a third-person novel should try to reflect the details that are important to a character. But these characters never react to anything important. Spending time describing the dorm complex at this inopportune moment - and giving so little of a shit about the subsequent explosion - just makes me think these characters are assholes, and makes me hate them.
Actually, in that respect, it's perfect.
Anyway, following is how the flat tire is described. Now, the flat tire isn't necessarily important. But it should be described with some amount of drama or giving a shit because this is an obstacle to our characters' goal - or perhaps rather just Brea's goal - which is going to graduation. How is this described?
The rear right tire of the car exploded, and bits of popcorn and what was left of the twisted metal bike shot out from behind the car like a slot machine jackpot. All Brea could think about was her generous insurance coverage and what suckers they were for taking her money.
Brea pulled the damaged car of the road onto the shoulder. Allison and Brea exited the car and stood behind it, surveying the damage the bicycle had done. As always, Allison was unconcerned. “Your car, it’s hasn’t always been like this, has it?” she asked.
As dumb as this situation is, it should be a bit more dramatic. Neither Brea nor Allison particularly want to miss graduation - and in fact, Brea was panicking at the prospect - but John would rather have Allison's obnoxious remarks and thoughts than create any semblance of tension. After this, the characters spend far too long talking about fixing the car instead of, you know, trying to do something.
Brea stared at her blankly for a beat. “No, Allison. It hasn’t.”
“Where are we? Oh yeah, you were freaking out about graduation.” said Allison, trying to catch up with the situation.
“Of course I’m freaking out! Do you have any idea what’s going on here?” Brea exploded.
“I have a general concept,” Allison said evenly.
“I don’t think you do.”
“I really don’t,” agreed Allison.
Across the street, the little girl ran crying into the arms of her mother and father. Both parents gave Brea and Allison their most evil eye. Brea was too freaked out to notice and Allison didn’t care.
“I specifically asked you if today was next Tuesday.” Brea stormed on, not really listening to herself. “Today is next Tuesday!”
“Yet another example of my general concept of things,” said Allison primly.
“We spend, I don’t know how many years at this school, and you make me miss my graduation?” Brea was just blowing steam, and didn’t expect an answer.
Allison was happy to give her one anyway. “Who cares about Graduation? It’s walking across a stage.”
“I don’t care, so I wouldn’t care,” Brea was livid. “Except for two small details, my mother and my father. And my grandmother, which is tricky with her coming here with the oxygen tank and all.”
Brea’s parents lived in Australia, so Allison was a bit taken aback. “They’re coming here?”
“They’re probably in the auditorium right now!”
“It’s a world gone mad, Brea.”
The Aston-Martin had been made long before the days of clock radios in the dashboard, and Brea needed to know what time it was. “I need to ask you something,” she said as she reached for a cell phone.
“Sure.”
“Do you think we’re going to make it?” asked Brea, looking for optimism.
“Honestly?” replied Allison.
“Yes.”
“No.”
“We’re going to make it.” In crisis mode Brea got very methodical. “We can do this, if we figure out what to prioritize.”
Allison’s mind was already elsewhere, looking for another distraction. She settled on a nearby bishounen, the Japanese word Brea had taught her for “pretty boy.” Allison spent a hell of a lot of time thinking about cute boys.
Brea didn’t notice the staring. “All right. We need to pick up our robes over in Arroway Dormitory. No time for the hats.”
Allison’s eyes opened wide. “I’m not graduating without a hat!”
“I’m telling you, there’s no time!” The phone Brea was holding didn’t have a clock on the display, so she reached for another one.
“Well, this has been a big waste of 6 years.” Allison sulked and assessed the situation. “And there’s no choice. You’re going to have to change this tire.”
“Me? I’m not going to be seen changing a tire, my Grandmother would slap me!” Brea tone showed dismay. “You do it.”
“I would, except that I don’t know anything about technology.”
“Technology? This is changing a tire!” Brea could feel the eyes of people around her watching her. “And I’d call someone to do it but none of my cell phones seem to be working.”
“This is shaping up to be a bad day,” observed Allison.
“Well, at least it can’t get any worse,” said Brea “With the no coffee, and the flat tire, and missing graduation. But we’re not going to miss it because we’re going to make it.”
“We are. We absolutely are,” agreed Allison.
“Really?” asked Brea with great enthusiasm.
“No. But I’ll tell you what.” Allison had the solution. “If you get the, uh, control scheme about this car…”
“The manual?”
“Yeah. Just tell me how to do it,” said Allison. “I’ll take care of the situation and save the day as usual.”
It was true that Allison didn’t know anything about technology. And it wasn’t just the newer Internet stuff; she was even confused by the technology of the 1950’s. To Allison, the concepts from science fiction were exactly as confusing as the exotic concept of operating a toaster.
And the techno-babble all seemed the same too. That was why Allison avoided technology at all costs. She felt safer when she took the stairs, she didn’t understand how to use a mouse, and she believed X-file conspiracies about cell phones.
Brea had tried to explain to Allison once about how to use an answering machine. And her eyes had just glazed over, as if Brea had a hypnotist pinwheel and started spinning it. In fact, the only things Allison understood about technology was what she learned from watching Star Trek. Frequently she used words like beam, switch, and sensor.
When there was a problem at the computer, Allison would watch in wide-eyed amazement as Ashley, LV-426’s resident technophile, would work. She would try to give him constant analysis. “You’re receiving an Internet transmission on the main view screen,” or “Increase power to the email!”
Brea loudly continued to complain, mostly to herself, as she fished out the manual for the car. She pressed the button on her key chain that popped open the trunk. Allison managed to pull the spare tire out of the trunk, and quickly located the jack behind a hidden panel.
“It’s a good thing I’m here.” Allison assured her. “There are exactly three parts of the plan, first part, second part, third part. First part starting. We jack up the car. Secondly take off the tire, then thirdly, uh, put the spare on.”
“That’s not quite right.” Brea said. “You have to loosen the bolts on the tire before you jack it up. The second part is the first part. ”
“Who’s changing the tire here?” Allison asked.
“I’m just trying to avoid disaster,” replied Brea.
“It’s first part, third part, second part?” asked Allison, very confused.
“Second part, first part, third part. Unmitigated disaster,” said Brea.
“Tell you what.” Allison rolled her eyes. “We’ll pick up the spare tire debate after we make it to graduation.”
“Fine,” agreed Brea.
“Fine.”
Allison jacked up the car easily enough. But she had some trouble using the tire iron to loosen the bolts for the flat tire. She pulled with all her strength, but nothing happened.
Yes, it takes 1023 words after getting a flat for the characters to do anything about it. They just sit in the car and bicker for awhile. This kills any latent amounts of remaining tension, and grinds any momentum to a halt. It's ok to have characters talk about things, John, but not at the expense of the plot. In a better book, the pair perhaps would've had a short exchange before - or, imagine, maybe even during - the changing of the tire.
And this might be salvageable if the characters spent this time reacting and emoting. But again, they do not. Allison absolutely kills this because she doesn't give a shit. Nothing interesting can ever happen with Allison around because she doesn't emote, she doesn't react. Why should I care if even the characters in this book don't care? And sure, Brea says she cares about graduation, but she's completely unwilling change a tire to make it to graduation or to do really anything. There's a half-assed explanation for not wanting to change the tire, but part of storytelling is seeing character's values clash with their goals. In a slightly better story, Brea might be forced to change the tire even if this goes against the fiber of her being.
So really, none of these characters act, react, or change.
But we can't have characters doing things in this book, can we?
If you decide to read my more in-depth review, you'll see that this problem permeates through every aspect of the book. If not, I think you already have plenty of reason to avoid this garbage, and probably did before you even read what I have to say.
I've split this into sections, because really, this is the only way to tackle something this wrong.
The first responsibility of any decent story is to let the reader know why he should give a shit. Most stories accomplish this by making the reader ask questions. Moby Dick, for example accomplishes this with the phrase "call me Ishmael." It's short, mysterious, and immediately promises to tell the reader more about this character. It makes the reader want to continue beyond the first sentence to learn more about Ishmael.
With this in mind, what is our first sentence here?
Election Eve said:
My name is Lani Cameron, and this novel I’ve written is simply the beginning of a story, a story about the life I’ve lived and my friend’s lives, and how it all really runs together into something that’s the same thing.
I will ignore the grammar, for I feel the bad grammar/phrasing in this story actually serves to mask its more fundamental issues. This sentence - beyond being awkward - does not make me give a shit. When you boil it down, this essentially means "you are about to read a story I wrote." Yes. I know this John. Thank you for telling all the people who might have missed this fact though.
Well, maybe we'll have more luck with the next senten-
Election Eve said:
I write this because it’s a very important story to tell.
I mean, I suppose this makes me ask a question. But it's still the question I started with, which is "why should I give a shit about your story? What makes it worth reading? What makes it important?" Because no, telling me it's important isn't an answer, and it doesn't make me curious. That's too vague.
For the sake of comparison, let's compare this to the second sentence of Moby Dick. Conveniently, Ishmael, like Lani, is narrating this sentence from the present/future about things he did in the past, so it's a fair comparison. But Ishmael is not telling us that what he did is important. He's actually telling us what he did.
Moby Dick said:
Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.
Immediately, bam, things are happening. First sentence makes me ask "who is Ishmael and why should I care," and the second sentence gives me a little taste of who Ishmael is. And now, since I've seen what Ishmael has done, I can ask more questions, like "why did he have no money?" or "why doesn't the shore interest him?" or, simplest of all, "why is he doing this?" While not all of these questions are necessarily answered in the end, these questions serve to propel me through the beginning of the story.
Election Eve so far hasn't told me anything of value. Just that there's a person named Lani, and she has a story.
Tell me something that happened John. It's not hard. I want to read about characters doing things, not about characters telling me that their actions are important, especially if I have no idea what the character actually did. I can figure out why shit is important later. Tell me what Lani did first. Just telling me it's "important" is tantamount to saying "please just read my story."
Election Eve said:
It’s funny to look back at it all, because my life has taken me places that, despite my wild ambitions as a child, I never would have dreamed. And once the entire story has been told, you’re going to learn a secret. The secret is what it’s all about, what all of the friends, stories, mishaps, and craziness all really all really add up to.
Again, what did Lani do John? To what unthinkable places did she go? Why did she go to these places? And I don't give a shit that there's some nebulous "secret" unless I see that it has bearing on Lani's actions, or that Lani willing to go to some lengths to uncover/hide that secret.
Oh, and learning what all of Lani's friends, stories, mishaps, and craziness "all really all really" add up to is why I'm reading the storyalready. It's why people read any story. I don't need you to tell me all this.
Anyway, it isn't until after several more sentences of essentially saying "I am about to tell this big and important story" that Lani finally tells me something. The story takes place in D.C. on the eve of the Iowa Primary. It's not much. Again, it's a little bit vague - it would have been nice to know what Lani is doing in D.C. or something - but finally, some information that could finally lead to action.
But then John goes back to the whole vague "oooo this story is really important and mysterious" shit by immediately invalidating this information I was just given.
want the reader to know up front, the title of this chapter of the story, the Election Eve, and the fact that it takes place in Washington are very misleading. This story is to politics what Charlie’s Angels was to solving crime. It might accidentally happen, but it’s not the story’s about.
Your story also isn't about mutant kumquats. Or ghosts. There are lots of things this story isn't about, and talking about those is pointless.
Here's a novel idea. Tell me what the story is about instead of telling me what it isn't about. Give me a taste at the very least. Because I still have no fucking idea. And since I have no fucking idea about that, I have no fucking idea why I'm still reading.
There's more shit here, but it all essentially boils down to this huge game of being cagey. I understand what John wanted to do. He wanted to make his book seem all big and epic. But I don't want to hear about how your story is all big and epic John. I want to see it. I want details. I want to see what is happening in Lani's life.
Ultimately, people relate to the experiences of other people. That's why stories work. People like to read about other people's lives, because we can relate our experiences to theirs. I can empathize. I can mentally become them to some degree for the duration of the story.
I cannot do this if I don't know what the fuck is happening. I cannot do this if you're unwilling to make something happen John.
Maybe the next chapter will finally make something happen. After all, we do learn about the...
So the book failed to be engaging at the start. So what? Maybe things pick up once we learn about the characters.
Again, I will remind you that I am not tackling the story's awkward phrasing or poor grammar. There are bigger fish to fry. Like, for example, how John decides to introduce his characters.
Allison Holiday was perhaps the best looking girl in any given room, but mostly because of her eclectic charisma. Her motions were exaggerated, because Allison lived life at a higher intensity level than the people around her.
Back home, people talked in hushed, reverent tones about her, as she’d achieved legendary status as Bishop University’s number one boozy party girl. A former cheerleader, in her mind Allison was on permanent holiday. Nothing and everything slipped by Allison.
She had dangling strands of blonde hair that spiked out from her forehead in front of her excited green eyes. Her hair was gathered into a ponytail in the back, and somehow fell into the shape of a heart. She was tall, and curved just enough to generate more hushed tones.
Usually, Allison dressed in sorority girl formal uniform, Greek party tee shirt and tight shorts that showed off how leggy she was.
She favored the color purple, especially for the hair scrunchies she wore on her ponytail and wrist. Today wasn’t any different.
Allison had trouble distinguishing her life from a movie.
Reality had all just kind of run together by now for Allison, but it was understandable. She regularly had car chases on the way to class, celebrities often popped by, and in general she had an endless series of wacky adventures. Life was just all one big fantasy by now to Allison, and she was the special guest star. There was something, some quality of Allison’s life that lead her to an epic existence. Things just seemed to go wrong, and so very right around her... but mostly wrong for all the victims caught in the wake of her bedlam. Allison was the kind of girl that would certainly be a celebrity someday. Not because of any desire, but because it was the kind of life she had been destined to live.
Allison Holiday practiced hard for all potential movie moments. From her emergency driving classes she had learned how to flip a car 180 degrees. She took Krav Maga martial-arts classes. After all the hours of computer flight simulations, she believed she could almost fly a helicopter. Naturally, Allison had been a Drama major, and she constantly practiced her favorite movie lines. They were obscure and silly, but she couldn’t get them out of her head. If the opportunity ever came up, she wanted to deliver them perfectly. “I’m on a mission, which I intend to accomplish.” She would play with the rhythm and the timing.
I put that in a spoiler tag instead of a quote tag because it's 417 words. 417 words about Allison's character before she's done a single thing.
Actually, that's not true. Allison has gotten out of bed. But that's it. She has done nothing to earn my interest, respect, curiosity, revulsion, or anything. Much like with the introduction, nothing has happened. John Lani would much rather just tell us why his characters are awesome instead of having them do stuff.
In a better story, like Star Wars, we see Darth Vader bust into a spaceship and choke a poor sap before we even know his name. Then we see that he desperately wants some plans. Darth Vader does stuff, so the first time I saw the film, I wanted very badly to know more about his character. Same for, say, Leia, who stands up to the guy who just busted into a spaceship and choked a poor sap. These are actions. These are things that happen. They are interesting. Then, after the characters have earned it, the movie tells us a little more about them over time.
In this story, we see Allison get out of bed, and apparently that makes her worthy of 417 consecutive words - and several consecutive paragraphs - describing every little thing about her. I mean, if she wasn't described in such detail, she hasn't done anything to show she's an important character.
Unfortunately, this is not the only time I'm subjected to this farce. Indeed, every single time a new character is introduced, I have to read monolithic paragraphs about how amazing these characters are before they've earned it.
And this isn't even getting into the fact that these characters are garbage. I am told so many excruciating details about them - all of which are good - but the characters never prove their worth. To demonstrate this, I will take some choice quotes from the next character to be introduced, Brea Anatamata
Brea Grab Bag said:
Her faults were mostly in her head, silly things like the slight bump in her nose...
One of Brea’s pet peeves was when people mispronounced her name on paper. It wasn’t Bre-ah, the sound that made Brea wince, that was like a name straight out of a porno movie. No, her name was pronounced ‘Bray,’ a single strong, independent syllable, just like Brea herself...
Brea was a girl in a million with a very unusual ethnicity...
Brea had a unique voice, prissily enunciating every syllable in an accent that was so enticing, it tangibly attracted men...
For Brea Anatamata, the possibility of becoming a pop idol was just as easy as becoming a Fortune 500 CEO, which one to pursue?
This almost reads like a parody of a Mary Sue character. And every single character is like this. None of them have particularly interesting goals, and none of them do anything. They sit around and talk and think about how amazing/quirky they are. Because any "flaws" a character might have, like the fact that Allison can't use technology (which is false, as we will later see), comes off as more quirky than negative. Unless we're talking about Minuete, in which case I'm constantly reminded of how evil she is. But none of the first three characters to be introduced earn any of this.
...Actually, wait a minute, this is canonically supposed to be Lani's book, isn't it? So, essentially, her viewpoint. Why are we learning about Allison and Brea characters first, and Minuete for that matter, in situations where Lani isn't present, when Lani is supposed to be the narrator of the story? Shouldn't the majority of the tale - and especially the very beginning - be from Lani's point of view? If we're really going to spend so much time from the get go on Allison and Brea, shouldn't one of them be the narrator? Or shouldn't John have just dispensed with the whole framing device of having Lani write the book since he so clearly forgets about that anyway?
I apologize for the tangent, but it brings me to another point. John tries to make characters fulfill certain personality traits or story roles, but even within just the prologue of the book, contradicts himself about both Lani and Brea. And Allison for that matter.
Lani, the narrator, isn't even in the story until sub-chapter seven. So either Lani is remarkably accurate in recounting events she wasn't there for, or John just forgot the framing device. He forgets it so hard, in fact, that at one point the story describes what Minuete is thinking to herself.
Lani Can Read Minds? From a Different Location? said:
“Boy, do I enjoy being evil! There’s no thrill like ruining someone’s life!” thought Minuete.
As for Brea, it's a small thing, but it bothers me that John can't even be consistent within a single sub-chapter. In the middle of sub-chapter one, I see this:
Brea is super organized! said:
Knowing Brea, there were a thousand other details of her room that were too subtle for Allison to contemplate without coffee. Her car keys were neatly arranged. Her movie collection had all the sequels grouped together.
Is Brea an idiot who can't find the car keys she herself had neatly arranged? Is this some weird attempt at humor? Or does John just have no clue how character traits work?
As for Allison, I am told that she's a party girl, lives her life like it's a movie, and I see her go into meltdown mode over coffee. But when a fucking building explodes, she really can't give a shit.
Allison Don't Care said:
“I told you we should have called someone to fix that tire!” Brea exploded, “We’re into some pretty deep stuff now! I loved that car!”
“That was a pretty fabulous car,” Allison commented. “Except for the fact that it was blue.”
“You didn’t like the blue?”
“Well, I mean it’s not like it was red or black.”
“Besides the blue, you know what I’m thinking?”
“What?”
“Dire consequences!”
“This is pretty bad, but at least we have coffee. That was a much bigger crisis.” Allison was elsewhere, thinking back to the coffee shop.
This doesn't make her look quirky and unusual. It makes her look like an asshole who doesn't give a shit about other people's problems. It makes me not like her.
You know, for as much as John tells me Minuete is the villain, at least she's passionate. Allison is just a detached asshole, and to me, she's way more qualified to be the antagonist that Minuete is. This makes it seem like passion is John's greatest enemy.
...Wow, that's actually perfect.
Anyway, let me drop a whole list of little character inconsistencies while I'm at it.
From her emergency driving classes she had learned how to flip a car 180 degrees... After all the hours of computer flight simulations, she believed she could almost fly a helicopter.
The sound for the TV was muted, but the stereo was blaring bland alternative music from the college radio station. Passing it, Allison absently turned the volume up even more, breaking out in a dance/walk and exclaiming “Rock on, baby! Whoohooo!”
vs
It was true that Allison didn’t know anything about technology. And it wasn’t just the newer Internet stuff; she was even confused by the technology of the 1950’s. To Allison, the concepts from science fiction were exactly as confusing as the exotic concept of operating a toaster...
...She didn’t understand how to use a mouse, and she believed X-file conspiracies about cell phones...
...Brea had tried to explain to Allison once about how to use an answering machine. And her eyes had just glazed over...
Because clearly someone who is so confused by technology that she can't operate a toaster, an answering machine, or a computer mouse can both flip a car 180 degrees, play flight simulators, and fly a fucking helicopter. And it's a small thing, but if she's really that retarded about technology after the 1950's, she wouldn't be capable of "absently" turning up a stereo either.
Brea is Unorganized Again While Allison Don't Care said:
Allison said with bored detachment. “Graduation is today.”
“Graduation is today?!” exclaimed Brea in total horror.
“Today in like 20 minutes,” replied Allison, oblivious to Brea’s horror.
Someone who is detailed and obsessive-compulsive about her room probably wouldn't forget about graduation. And again, we see Allison not giving a shit. Wouldn't she be at least excited about the idea of speeding off to graduation and making a grand entrance? Something? No? Ok.
Minuette - Soul as Black as Coffee said:
Minuete was the worst villain of them all. In her own words, she was “mean and evil and nasty.” When she closed her eyes, she could feel herself lusting for power.
----
(and yet this is the worst thing she actually does in the prologue)
----
Brea looked at the labeling checkbox on her paper coffee cup, and realized Allison was right. The coffee was clearly marked decaffeinated. Minuete had absolutely, completely gotten her, and she had done it just to be evil, mean and nasty.
As I said, Allison is a better villain than Minuete.
Lani Perplexed by the Most Expected Coincidence said:
Lani turned from the television, her mind was racing with manic possibilities. That Allison and Brea had accidentally destroyed LV-Gamma did not surprise her one bit. What surprised her was that she had caught the newscast. It was in incredibly impossible coincidence.
...
And although the fiery destruction of LV-Gamma had already gotten major play on the national cable networks as a possible terrorist incident, Lani hadn’t seen that yet. And that was unusual, because Lani was addicted to cable news.
Lani is a reporter, who is obsessed with cable news. Why is this so incredibly coincidental? Especially when - as we see later - the whole kerfuffle around destruction of the building is starting to go viral?
Yes, it could be argued that this is supposed to highlight Lani's irrationality or something. Then again, this would suggest John is capable of any sort of character development that isn't told directly to the audience, so I feel confident in saying this is a mistake.
I won't describe the other characters at length. This is Minuete:
Minuete broke out in her evil cackle one more time. She simply couldn’t believe these suckers had fallen for it! “Boy, do I enjoy being evil! There’s no thrill like ruining someone’s life!” thought Minuete.
Sonichu villains had more depth than that. And, worse, Minuete doesn't even earn being branded this evil in the prologue.
There's also Lani. But John didn't give enough of a shit about Lani to keep her as the viewpoint character even though she should have been.
So yeah, if Allison doesn't give a shit, and if John doesn't give a shit, then why should I give a shit?
I may talk about the greater plot at some other point. There's already enough to complain about in the prologue alone.
See, there's no discernible plot in the prologue. This wouldn't be a problem if the characters could hold your attention. I think, however, that I already demonstrated that this is not the case. So basically, we just Allison and Brea fucking around while trying to get coffee, and then wacky hijinks ensue. Again, if they were better-written characters, I might forgive this. They aren't, so I don't.
Then FINALLY we get the plot hook: Lani is in D.C. Allison and Brea get this piece of new from the evil Minuette, who also gives them their coffee.
I mentioned this a few times already, but again, why are we seeing any of this? Shouldn't the story be focused on Lani in D.C.? Shouldn't I be seeing more of what she's up to? How does Lani know what happened while she wasn't around in such sharp detail? I don't care if she asked Allison and Brea after-the-fact, there's no way she could be so specific.
Anyway, Brea and Allison discuss going to get Lani. Shit happens, they remember that they're missing graduation, and they try to get back to school. The back tire of the car pops, and this culminates in Allison and Brea blowing up a building with their car.
But it's ok. It wasn't their fault. Remember how I mentioned they went to get coffee? Well, it turns out that blowing up the building was Minuette's fault for - wait for it - giving them decaf coffee. So they weren't thinking straight.
Are you serious? said:
Brea looked at the labeling checkbox on her paper coffee cup, and realized Allison was right. The coffee was clearly marked decaffeinated. Minuete had absolutely, completely gotten her, and she had done it just to be evil, mean and nasty. Brea paused as she considered what had become the worst day yet.
The rest of what happens is just too dull to even note. Press come, police come, Allison and Brea suffer no consequences, and they make it to graduation after all.
I could probably give a more detailed synopsis, but I won't. Why? Because the characters don't give a shit about the plot. This is the absolute worst sin any author can commit. Your characters have to care, or I won't care.
I mean, they blew up a building, and might have potentially hurt or killed someone (which, by the way, is never definitively denied). The first thing Allison and Brea do?
So Important said:
Brea and Allison bickered for a bit, arguing who would be the first on the scene, the police or the news media.
Oh yeah. Don't worry about what the consequences might be. Clearly this is more important. It follows by telling me that Brea gives a shit, but I don't believe it. She doesn't ever do anything that makes me think she cares at all. Once again, have the characters do something John.
And even when the characters do stuff, it's punctuated by either lame dialogue, character exposition, or random shit. It gets so bad that this happens at one point:
(Note from Editor Lani Cameron: In the original draft of this, I explained the lengthy story of our first encounter. However, my editors and I agree, it’s too complex a story to tell here, and slows down the story of the historic Election Eve, which is the whole point of this novel. So I promise, we’ll tell you the tales our first run-in with Minuete in Socially Unconscious: The Heineken Diet.)
First of all, that bolded part actually made me laugh when I read it the first time. Slowing down the story of Election Eve? We can't have that! It's so fast-paced and riveting!
Second of all, John actually takes a break from the novel to tell you what he's not going to tell you in the novel. Wow.
John, not everything you wrote in your notes needs to be in this book. Most authors use their notes to help them construct the world, but most of their notes don't end up in the book. J.R.R. Tolkien didn't put everything from the Silmarillion into Lord of the Rings. So just don't.
Instead, maybe make your characters do stuff.
And stop telling me things John. Show me.
Then, to top it all off, there are no stakes. This becomes very clear by the end of the prologue, when, after worrying about both missing graduation and getting in trouble for wrecking a building, Allison and Brea actually end up not only making graduation and avoiding trouble, but they also end up gaining some level of media fame from it. And not in a bad way.
So a bunch of characters did a bunch of stuff that even they don't give a shit about, and there are no consequences. That's really all I can say about the prologue's plot.
The dialogue is bad, but this will be the shortest section because, in a way, I'd rather read John's dialogue than anything else. At least dialogue means characters are doing something other than exposition.
The biggest problem with the dialogue is that there's just too much of it. It should be fast, snappy, and move the plot forward. Instead, I think that John was trying to use it to create comedy, but I can't be sure.
“There’s no coffee in here...”
“I know that part.” Allison muttered, very scared.
“I can’t start my day with no coffee. This is awful!” said Brea.
“It’s totally tragic,” noted Allison.
“That’s exactly what this is. A tragedy,” Brea agreed. “As of now, we’re on a mission. What are our options?”
“You had to get the fancy stuff! I can’t even sense fancy stuff in the morning. I could be drinking motor oil and not notice.”
“So, again, what are our options?” Brea repeated.
“We could walk to the store.”
“I can’t walk there with no coffee. Laws of physics and all.”
“Then we drive,” agreed Brea. “Now let’s see if I can find my keys in less than twenty minutes for once.”
Unless you're good at writing dialogue, you shouldn't spend so much time having characters talk about inconsequential shit. You're not good at writing dialogue John.
But at least they don't talk more about this boring "crisis." Oh wait.
“This is awful! This is the worst crisis ever!” Brea whined, not even looking to see where she was driving as she raced her car out of the parking lot.
“This is bad.” Allison absentmindedly agreed, flipping through Brea’s music collection.
“This is all your fault!” Brea exclaimed, very upset. “I was going to go shopping yesterday, and you wanted me to go with you down to jail to bail out Tequila.”
“It really is, that’s why we had to celebrate last night.” Allison agreed absentmindedly. “Seriously Brea, you have the worst taste in music. I need something to wake me up, and they’re nothing in here I can really get down and boogie too.”
Allison realized she was stepping on something. Looking down she saw she was stepping on one of Brea’s endless cell phones. Allison counted four that the floorboard was littered with. One was black, two were silver and one was turquoise blue. All were small.
“I have sophisticated taste,” continued Brea.
“Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ is sophisticated?”
“It’s deceptively sophisticated.”
Allison reached down to the passenger side floorboard and handed a phone to Brea.
“How many phones do you have, anyway?”
“I forget.”
...
“These people, with their fancy drinks, they get me so mad!” Brea ranted and raved. “Anyone that doesn’t order coffee, black, is on my list. Especially the boys! Be a man, drink it black, you wuss!”
“You actually have a list?” Allison asked.
“I should start a list of people that annoy me, like Nixon did.” A freshman walked by, holding his 3 dollar Frappuccio. Brea chided after him, “You’re totally on my list, loser!”
...
“This is pretty bad, but at least we have coffee. That was a much bigger crisis.” Allison was elsewhere, thinking back to the coffee shop. Something hadn’t been right. She was thinking through the events of the day. “When Minuete was in the coffee shop, didn’t she hand you your coffee?”
“Are you talking to me about Minuete?” exclaimed Brea. “We just blew up a building! Do you understand how much trouble we’re in?”
“I think she switched your coffee with her decaf.” Allison was piecing the clues together like a detective. “That’s why you crashed your car. You weren’t thinking straight without any caffeine.”
John, this joke isn't funny, assuming that's what you were going for. And even if it was, part of a joke is brevity. And the rest of the dialogue is just like this. It goes too long and wastes time. You don't want to waste people's time, because that's not funny.
The only part about wasting people's time that's funny, John, is that you've literally made a career of it. Between this and Rev 60 and everything, you've done nothing but waste our time, and that's hilarious. But I digress.
Foreward said:
For my four girls, Allison, Brea, Lani and yes, even Minuete. I love each of you, you’re the children I’ll never need to have. Working to let other people meet you has lead to the best and worst parts of my life. Every hour writing this novel has been for you.
There was an identical finishing school for boys next door called Alecia Academy, which for some perverse reason had an incredibly evil view of the Charbonneau athletic field
Unless it's a sentient overlook that eats people, I'm not sure how a view can be inherently "evil"
What?? said:
They would pull the tee-shirts back in knots, showing off all the dimension they had. Brea and Allison and their third laughed at girls like that because as Brea’s grandmother had told her “we’re the ones with the pussies, let them do some of the work.”
This is ridiculous. I understand what John is trying to go for, but this makes seem like a vain asshole, especially when this is layered in with paragraphs of how beautiful she is. This is especially true when you remember that Lani is canonically writing the book. Wow Lani.
Once in college, Lani parents refused to let her major in Journalism. So she picked the most useless major of them all, English so later they could “talk” her back into a journalism career.
This is also Lani being an asshole. Why is everyone in this book an asshole?
Misogyny said:
Allison exited the Den and quickly marched down the hallway to Brea Anatamata’s dorm room. Her doorway stood out from the rest of the floor because Brea had convinced boys to install a doorknocker.
Brea couldn't install a door knocker? I thought she was "a single strong, independent syllable?" I guess only men can accomplish such a herculean feat.
I was planning to eventually do this for every chapter of Election Eve. And, for that matter, there's even more to be said about the prologue. But I think I will leave it at this, at least for now. I don't know how much more I can take.
I think whether John is adopted or not is irrelevant (aside from showing how much of a gigantic sociopathic cock he is). At the end of the day all indications we have is that his parents indulged him on every whim he had as a child, supported him and paid for his college education, supported him and paid for his failed business when he dropped out, supported him and paid for his rehab when he got hooked on ambien, supported him and paid for his return to University after he was done with rehab and that, at some point after that, he decided they were shitlords he should completely sever from his life and start badmouthing them to everyone.
Which I'm guessing probably had to do with them saying he should try and see a therapist when he first came out as transgender to them. I know, monsters.
Definitely no made up story about Frank begging to be able to work on something that has a deadline and Wu hogging the machine. Not a lie at all. Nope.
playing the victim because he claims to have the sniffles
misgendering and backchannel shit-talking about a female-born adult tranny
verbally abusing a female-born teen tranny
making threats to get accounts of trannies suspended
tossing in GamerGate non sequiturs
dogpiling
mass-burning evidence of the above behaviors
Just another "productive" Monday morning for the "Godzilla of feminism", the "professional" "software engineer" and "game developer" "CEO" of Giant Spaceturd LLC.
@1:16 - "I would be, for legal purposes, considered a limited purpose public figure..."
@6:45 - "Obviously, you know, I'm a limited, you know, public figure. So, if someone tells me, you know, 'Brianna you suck'. 'Brianna you're the worst person on earth.'. 'Brianna Wu you're a liar, a charlatan.', you kow like, I just... y'know that's what I signed up for to a certain extend, that doesn't bother me."
Who did he "dogpile"? Was this the shit from last week where that schizo claimed Wu was harassing him by responding to him?
Wu is right that this all sucks unfairly, but Wu also signed up for all this because he thought it would be fun and give him power. If lots of your fans are shitheads, maybe it says something about you.
As if there is someone out there, who will be surprised by the fact that Brianna will be out of the door, the minute she realizes Franks money has run dry.
nigga does you even remember his "homosexual agenda" tirade in Lawrence v. Texas
Still, though, while I know the Supreme Court could use some new blood, it's never happy funtimes when someone dies. But I love how Wu is oblivious to how completely disingenuous she sounds.
