fat was the last to arrive at the most recent dinner, a couple of nights ago. the median body size of the group is average; there is another fat individual, a lovely woman who I really like, but I guess she would be considered "small fat" because idk, she's visibly fat but it doesn't seem to interfere with the world around her. because fat's enormousness was startling from the second she arrived, and visibly disrupting to the environment; forcing people to move around her, having to squeeze through spaces that were ample for everyone else.
she was also a brass, brash, uninhibited type of personality who was ill kempt and badly dressed. and smelled. I could smell her as she sat down. stale sweat, as bad as a male having worked a full active shift on his feet can.
there was only one seat left - next to me. I was sitting at the head of the table, in a little alcove with ample space around me. her seat was in the aisle, along the side of the table with two other people, including the other fat person. I've been watching a lot of Nadya Nymph and Funtie Times on youtube the last few months and it occured to me I should offer to change seats with her as she would likely be more comfortable where I was sitting. the tiktok cringe has educated me that this is something a 'thin' should do to be more inclusive and considerate of fat people. and even while I think the fatties who screech about this shit online are unreasonable and entitled, it's honestly a different story when you are faced with a real human being you can empathise with and you can observe how it really does just make sense, and you genuinely wish to be considerate of the women you are sharing a table with. but then I also know, from the same tiktok cringe, that doing so might insult her and also be interpreted as 'fatphobic' and she's definitely the type to be confrontational about it. so in the end, I don't. still feel faintly guilty.
as she came around the table to the seat and saw me there, I saw it happen. the look that unattractive and unstylish women always get when they see me and realise they're about to have to interact with me: oh no, a BIIIIIIIIIITCH. translated: the groomed blonde in pink is triggering every single moment I was ever made to feel like shit by a popular girl. wariness and hostility. she already hates me and we haven't even said hello. I have been in this situation before and I know that courtesy, sincere interest and humility will usually ease the tension and undo some of the preconceptions. it helps when they realise that I'm actually a laidback dork that doesn't engage in lateral female hostility.
we begin talking about what we're ordering and it's suggested we get a group of dishes to share. suggestions are slow coming, so I suggest three that seem like a good range for consideration. weirdly, fat holds up a hand to me and says in a jovially shocked way: "wow, how many dishes are you ordering, chickadee?" I'm surprised by this comment and its tone, considering the conversation was around ordering for the table. I blinked at her and replied flatly "I'm just making suggestions." I didn't understand her aggression, but not playing along with the false humour made her realise I wasn't intimidated and she put her hand down. it's funny the way this type of woman always judges me as a bitch and then goes and does the bitchy shit herself, with no provocation other than not liking the look of me. the conversation goes around the table a little more and I am taken aback when fat actually says 'I'll just order for myself because I'll probably have two or three dishes, you know how I roll!" I am not used to fat people openly acknowledging how much they eat like that. and it seems openly hyocritical given her comment to me moments earlier. perhaps I just didn't get her humour style - I really had sensed a barbed edge to it though. that's the thing about that lateral female hostility - it's so often done in subtext.
I had mentioned at the last dinner that there was an exhibition at a museum I wanted to see and the other fat woman had expressed interest so we were planning to go together. I'd been really busy and not got around to messaging her about it, so I brought it up and reiterated I would like to go with her so we started talking about it. a couple of the other women, including fat, chimed in and said they would like to come. so we started talking about when, maybe this weekend. I said I was working on saturday but could do sunday. the conversation continued, going around to the bookclub that another woman at the table organised and that I'm also part of, and I excused myself to the bathroom. when I got back, they were talking about the museum again and going this saturday. fat was leading the conversation. 'oh I can't do saturday remember, I'm working, I can do sunday!' I chimed in and fat looked at me and said 'aw but I can't do sunday and neither can [bookclub lady] so it has to be saturday, oh that's such a shame you can't make it!'
I was absolutely fucking stunned that this bitch was trying to cut me out of an activity that was MY suggestion and the total gall of how she was trying to do it. for no reason!! 'well, I would like to go and me and [other fat person] were planning to go together so we'll need to do it another weekend then' I said very firmly, though I was clearly hurt. of course, the other two women immediately were compassionate because they are reasonable human beings and agreed, while fat was left floundering and having to go along with it. this really put me offside; it was so rude and obvious, petty and mean - cherry on top it being an activity that had been my suggestion to begin with!
I become the focus of conversation for a moment later on when we were talking about jobs. I work in hospitality and beauty, in contrast to the table of corporate office 9-5ers around me. I realise not only am I the only blonde, the only one in colour (everyone else is wearing black!!!) I'm also the slimmest one there. I then realise of course this is because in my work I'm always on my feet and often doing intense manual labour; wheras they are all sitting at a desk all day. very attractive women, I'm not trying to diss anyone here. these were just observations I made that accentuated my discomfort being under fat's scrutiny now that I know more about how obese women size up the other women around them, and the stereotypes they make. maybe I've just been watching too much tiktok cringe lately; but I could hear the vicious words of the fat activists unleashing their rage and resentment unrestrained going around my head as I worked to be appeasingly pleasant and easy going so this prickly, obnoxious woman left me alone. there were comments about how hard the customer facing nature of my work is and fat actually said 'yeah I'm one of the ones that make your life hell because if I don't get what I want, I get a bit scratchy!' I had already noticed her demandingness towards the wait staff and this confirmed my suspicions. she said it like it was cute. it was not. it was rude and crass and anyone who admits to exploiting a power imbalance like that, with full awareness, is a fucking asshole. I was tempted to tell her so, in more considered words, but I try to pick my moments. at a dinner table with virtual strangers in a crowded restaurant, I judged that escalating conflict wasn't the way to go. but there was something extra nasty to knowing this woman I was dining with would not treat me as an equal in another context where I was providing her a service.
she did, indeed, order 3 dishes plus bread and ate them all, then talked about needing something sweet later. my dish was $30 so you best believe I ate every single mouthful on my plate - I was totally stuffed afterwards and could not have even begun to contemplate dessert. I ended up walking the thirty minutes home although I'd done a forty minute walk that morning and worked a bar shift that day because it was much more than I'd usually eat in one sitting and a brisk constitutional usually counteracts the overstuffed feeling for me.
there were certainly moments we connected and had a pleasant interaction or two and I thought maybe she wasn't so bad, we just got off to a bad start. a bit of a personality clash perhaps... but those moments of obnoxious behaviour, as well as her smell, were really repellant to me. time will tell...