- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
Pretty much everyone who isn't Jeeves is a lolcow.
Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)
- Thread starter DavidFerrie
- Start date
Pretty much everyone who isn't Jeeves is a lolcow.
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2015
Bertie's alright. He's an idiot, but generally a well meaning one, and his friends make him look intelligent and sane by comparison.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Both of the protagonists of Dumb and Dumber are lolcows, though I'd have to say that Lloyd is the bigger cow of the two. He obsesses over a girl that he's known for less than an hour, and drags his friend on a cross-country trip just to return a briefcase to her because he thinks that it will make her fall in love with him and want to marry him.
NoStinkingBadges
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2016
Burgerpants from Undertale is a total sperglord who works a dead-end job "cooking" burgers made of paste, glitter and sequins, smokes heavily, blames all of his problems on "popular people" and never holds himself accountable for his situation.
Likewise, Papyrus from the same game wears a costume all day and never takes it off even to shower, sleeps in a racecar bed, lives in his brother's house and doesn't seem to do any work (while his brother seems to be doing work– lazy work, yes, but work nonetheless), spazzes out over tiny things like his brother refusing to put a sock away, is basically treated like a child by everybody, and ineffectuately tries to confound children, eventually kidnapping them and putting them in a laughably escapable prison. His only idea of a date, btw, is hanging out in his room.
Likewise, Papyrus from the same game wears a costume all day and never takes it off even to shower, sleeps in a racecar bed, lives in his brother's house and doesn't seem to do any work (while his brother seems to be doing work– lazy work, yes, but work nonetheless), spazzes out over tiny things like his brother refusing to put a sock away, is basically treated like a child by everybody, and ineffectuately tries to confound children, eventually kidnapping them and putting them in a laughably escapable prison. His only idea of a date, btw, is hanging out in his room.
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- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
The works of Edgar Allen Poe have a few horrorcows.
Montresor from The Cask of Amontillado kills a guy by sealing him behind a wall just because the guy insulted him. It's never mentioned what exactly the insult was, but it's strongly implied that it wasn't even a big deal and may not have even been intended as one.
The narrator of The Telltale Heart spends the whole story trying to convince the reader that he's sane while describing how he murdered an old man that he lived with...because the old man's eye scared him.
Montresor from The Cask of Amontillado kills a guy by sealing him behind a wall just because the guy insulted him. It's never mentioned what exactly the insult was, but it's strongly implied that it wasn't even a big deal and may not have even been intended as one.
The narrator of The Telltale Heart spends the whole story trying to convince the reader that he's sane while describing how he murdered an old man that he lived with...because the old man's eye scared him.
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
The narrator of MS. Found in a Bottle might be a lolcow. He gives a completely implausible narration of events that are supposedly kept in a diary even though it would be impossible to keep a diary, so he's either a liar, or crazy, or both.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Grand Theft Auto has a lot of cows.
Donald Love: Love is a horrorcow corporate executive who shows up in III and Liberty City Stories. In III, he mostly has the player cause gang wars and kill people in order to drive down real estate prices. In Liberty City Stories, he's revealed to be a cannibal who describes people as tasting "like chicken, but more sentient." A lot of his missions in that game involve collecting bodies for him to eat, one of whom used to be his mentor.
OG Loc: OG Loc from San Andreas is a dweeby loser who is obsessed with the "gangsta" lifestyle. He's friends with the Grove Street gang members, but none of them really seem to like him all that much. In order to get "street cred," he intentionally gets himself arrested for joyriding and unpaid parking tickets. He's a shitty rapper, but nonetheless thinks he's talented. Loc's missions mostly involve CJ stealing things for him to help him advance his rap career. He gets famous after having CJ steal the rhyme book of a more successful rapper, and builds an entire "gangsta" image on lies and bullshit. Despite the tough guy image he projects, he acts like a little bitch when CJ and Madd Dogg (the rapper whose career Loc had CJ ruin) confront him.
Ryder: Another San Andreas cow, Ryder is a barely-functioning drug addict. He's incredibly stupid, first of all. In one of the game's first missions, he robs a pizza place with the brilliant "disguise" of...taking off his hat. The cashier, of course, immediately recognizes him and calls him by name. He responds with "it ain't me, fool!" According to CJ, he's been dealing drugs since he was ten years old and he got kicked out of school for attacking a teacher because she was wearing purple. He believes that he was "too intelligent" for school, though, despite the fact that he's one of the biggest exceptional individuals in the game. He was more or less a proto-Jace.
Eddie Low: Eddie Low is a "random encounter" character in IV who is one of the most extreme examples of a horrorcow in fiction. He's a serial killer with pretty much every sexual fetish known to man. He touched other kids inappropriately in elementary school, and started killing people around that time. He also sexually assaulted his grandfather as a kid. He cross-dresses with his mother's clothes and keeps her severed breasts in a box under his bed. He shows up in two random encounters. The first one has you taking him to the docks to dump what is certainly a dead body, and in the second one, he tries to kill you. Among his countless sexual perversions, he's a necrophiliac and has sex with his victims after killing them.
Lazlow: Lazlow is a DJ who appears on the in-game radio in every game starting with III. Though the games don't take place in exact chronological order, Lazlow gets more and more pathetic with each new game. He starts off fairly sane, but by IV he's a has-been and a sexual deviant who's desperately clinging to the fame he lost ages ago. He gets even worse in V, where he's stuck hosting a show with a co-host he hates (and who hates him in return) and is perfectly willing to sleep with a (possibly underage) girl who appears on a talent competition TV show that he hosts. This comes back to bite him in the ass when the girl's father gets his friend and they both gang up on him. They cut off his ponytail, tattoo a dick onto his body, and force him to dance in his underwear while they film it.
Fernando Martinez: Another radio personality who appears in multiple games. Fernando is a parody of the "Latin lover" stock character. He goes on about "passion" in an attempt to seem deep and sensual, but he's just a perverted misogynist and a registered sex offender. In III, he runs a business called "Fernando's New Beginnings," which is just a glorified pimping operation, and he confesses that he's not even a real Latino.
Catalina: Yet another cow from San Andreas. Catalina first appears as the main antagonist of III, but her lolcow/horrorcow tendencies wouldn't be revealed until San Andreas. She's completely insane and rapes CJ while using BDSM equipment. She sees herself as his girlfriend, but he has no interest in her. He plays along, however, mostly because he's afraid that she'll kill him if he doesn't. She eventually "leaves" him because he's more concerned with getting money to free his brother from jail. She starts dating Claude (the protagonist of III) but continues to taunt CJ about it. She repeatedly calls his cell phone to tease him about her relationship with Claude, even doing so while the two are having sex at one point.
Zero: Another lolcow from San Andreas. That game had a lot of characters, so at least some of them were bound to be lolcows. Zero's a socially awkward nerd who is pretty much "serious business" personified. He runs an RC shop and his missions all center around what is essentially an autistic nerd fight between him and a rival shop owner. He says he's a pacifist, but he's willing to have CJ kill people, because again, RC cars are serious business. He's a 28-year-old virgin, and he's not excused from being a lolcow even though he runs his own business, because he's not very good at that; his business is failing when you first meet him, and it's only saved because CJ buys it. He's probably one of San Andreas' most infamous characters.
Donald Love: Love is a horrorcow corporate executive who shows up in III and Liberty City Stories. In III, he mostly has the player cause gang wars and kill people in order to drive down real estate prices. In Liberty City Stories, he's revealed to be a cannibal who describes people as tasting "like chicken, but more sentient." A lot of his missions in that game involve collecting bodies for him to eat, one of whom used to be his mentor.
OG Loc: OG Loc from San Andreas is a dweeby loser who is obsessed with the "gangsta" lifestyle. He's friends with the Grove Street gang members, but none of them really seem to like him all that much. In order to get "street cred," he intentionally gets himself arrested for joyriding and unpaid parking tickets. He's a shitty rapper, but nonetheless thinks he's talented. Loc's missions mostly involve CJ stealing things for him to help him advance his rap career. He gets famous after having CJ steal the rhyme book of a more successful rapper, and builds an entire "gangsta" image on lies and bullshit. Despite the tough guy image he projects, he acts like a little bitch when CJ and Madd Dogg (the rapper whose career Loc had CJ ruin) confront him.
Ryder: Another San Andreas cow, Ryder is a barely-functioning drug addict. He's incredibly stupid, first of all. In one of the game's first missions, he robs a pizza place with the brilliant "disguise" of...taking off his hat. The cashier, of course, immediately recognizes him and calls him by name. He responds with "it ain't me, fool!" According to CJ, he's been dealing drugs since he was ten years old and he got kicked out of school for attacking a teacher because she was wearing purple. He believes that he was "too intelligent" for school, though, despite the fact that he's one of the biggest exceptional individuals in the game. He was more or less a proto-Jace.
Eddie Low: Eddie Low is a "random encounter" character in IV who is one of the most extreme examples of a horrorcow in fiction. He's a serial killer with pretty much every sexual fetish known to man. He touched other kids inappropriately in elementary school, and started killing people around that time. He also sexually assaulted his grandfather as a kid. He cross-dresses with his mother's clothes and keeps her severed breasts in a box under his bed. He shows up in two random encounters. The first one has you taking him to the docks to dump what is certainly a dead body, and in the second one, he tries to kill you. Among his countless sexual perversions, he's a necrophiliac and has sex with his victims after killing them.
Lazlow: Lazlow is a DJ who appears on the in-game radio in every game starting with III. Though the games don't take place in exact chronological order, Lazlow gets more and more pathetic with each new game. He starts off fairly sane, but by IV he's a has-been and a sexual deviant who's desperately clinging to the fame he lost ages ago. He gets even worse in V, where he's stuck hosting a show with a co-host he hates (and who hates him in return) and is perfectly willing to sleep with a (possibly underage) girl who appears on a talent competition TV show that he hosts. This comes back to bite him in the ass when the girl's father gets his friend and they both gang up on him. They cut off his ponytail, tattoo a dick onto his body, and force him to dance in his underwear while they film it.
Fernando Martinez: Another radio personality who appears in multiple games. Fernando is a parody of the "Latin lover" stock character. He goes on about "passion" in an attempt to seem deep and sensual, but he's just a perverted misogynist and a registered sex offender. In III, he runs a business called "Fernando's New Beginnings," which is just a glorified pimping operation, and he confesses that he's not even a real Latino.
Catalina: Yet another cow from San Andreas. Catalina first appears as the main antagonist of III, but her lolcow/horrorcow tendencies wouldn't be revealed until San Andreas. She's completely insane and rapes CJ while using BDSM equipment. She sees herself as his girlfriend, but he has no interest in her. He plays along, however, mostly because he's afraid that she'll kill him if he doesn't. She eventually "leaves" him because he's more concerned with getting money to free his brother from jail. She starts dating Claude (the protagonist of III) but continues to taunt CJ about it. She repeatedly calls his cell phone to tease him about her relationship with Claude, even doing so while the two are having sex at one point.
Zero: Another lolcow from San Andreas. That game had a lot of characters, so at least some of them were bound to be lolcows. Zero's a socially awkward nerd who is pretty much "serious business" personified. He runs an RC shop and his missions all center around what is essentially an autistic nerd fight between him and a rival shop owner. He says he's a pacifist, but he's willing to have CJ kill people, because again, RC cars are serious business. He's a 28-year-old virgin, and he's not excused from being a lolcow even though he runs his own business, because he's not very good at that; his business is failing when you first meet him, and it's only saved because CJ buys it. He's probably one of San Andreas' most infamous characters.
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- Joined
- May 15, 2015
Seeing this post makes me want to re-read a few Poe stories.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
"Baby Jane" Hudson from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? is a horrorcow given all that she does to her sister.
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2016
Does Gamera count?
He literally hangs around small children (Young BOYS I might add) as a grown adult.
He goes into catastrophic and hilarious meltdowns.
He doesn't even know how to interact with his fellow monsters.
He literally hangs around small children (Young BOYS I might add) as a grown adult.
He goes into catastrophic and hilarious meltdowns.
He doesn't even know how to interact with his fellow monsters.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Family Guy has a lot of lolcows, but Brian's probably the biggest. Brian is your standard political lolcow. He spouts off stereotypical liberal viewpoints with little to no knowledge of what he's actually talking about. One episode strongly suggests that he's a contrarian who just goes with whatever viewpoint the majority opposes in order to get attention.
He's also a smug atheist who often goes out of his way to declare his atheism to make himself seem smarter. Note that God and Jesus have been explicitly shown to exist in the show's universe, with Jesus even staying at the Griffins' house for a while in one episode (this is made fun of in a later episode).
Brian is a bit of a careercow, too. One of the show's running gags centered around him is his novel. He decides on a shitty title (Faster Than the Speed of Love), and when he gives a plot summary in one episode, it's just plagiarized (unintentionally, he claims; plot elements are directly lifted, though) from the Iron Eagle movies. When he eventually gets it published (through underhanded means), it fails to sell a single copy and it's regarded as one of the worst books ever written. Brian's fanbase literally consists entirely of retards. They like the book because Brian's shitty writing style is easy for them to grasp.
He later publishes a self-help book called Wish It, Want It, Do It. He intentionally puts the least amount of effort possible into it (the middle section is filled with blank pages), but it inexplicably becomes successful. The success immediately goes to Brian's head, and he starts treating his agent, Stewie, like shit. It's a lot like how Brianna Wu treats her employees at Giant Spacekat. He ends up getting humiliated on television and losing all his success. When he "apologizes" to Stewie for acting like a dick to him, he still shifts all the blame onto him.
Despite his provable status as a blithering idiot and a failure, Brian continues to believe he is smarter and superior to everyone else.
He's also a smug atheist who often goes out of his way to declare his atheism to make himself seem smarter. Note that God and Jesus have been explicitly shown to exist in the show's universe, with Jesus even staying at the Griffins' house for a while in one episode (this is made fun of in a later episode).
Brian is a bit of a careercow, too. One of the show's running gags centered around him is his novel. He decides on a shitty title (Faster Than the Speed of Love), and when he gives a plot summary in one episode, it's just plagiarized (unintentionally, he claims; plot elements are directly lifted, though) from the Iron Eagle movies. When he eventually gets it published (through underhanded means), it fails to sell a single copy and it's regarded as one of the worst books ever written. Brian's fanbase literally consists entirely of retards. They like the book because Brian's shitty writing style is easy for them to grasp.
He later publishes a self-help book called Wish It, Want It, Do It. He intentionally puts the least amount of effort possible into it (the middle section is filled with blank pages), but it inexplicably becomes successful. The success immediately goes to Brian's head, and he starts treating his agent, Stewie, like shit. It's a lot like how Brianna Wu treats her employees at Giant Spacekat. He ends up getting humiliated on television and losing all his success. When he "apologizes" to Stewie for acting like a dick to him, he still shifts all the blame onto him.
Despite his provable status as a blithering idiot and a failure, Brian continues to believe he is smarter and superior to everyone else.
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- Joined
- Aug 30, 2014
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
From Harry Potter:
There are more minor cows, too, like Aberforth Dumbledore (Albus' brother who is implied to fuck goats).
He obsessively hates Harry, a child, because he wasn't able to kill Harry when he was a baby (and also because of Harry's reputation for defeating him hurts his ego). He's a huge manchild, and he places his horcruxes in locations significant to his childhood. There's also the fact that he made up his own scary-sounding 3edgy5me name because his real name (Tom Riddle) wasn't unique or interesting, and he didn't want to share it with a muggle (his dad was a regular human).
He's incredibly narcissistic, and when Dumbledore visits him at his orphanage as a kid and tells him he's a wizard, he immediately accepts it because he wants to be considered "special." He imagines that his real family is made up of great wizards, but they're actually a bunch of inbred bigots and rapists, so he kills them. He thinks he's a brilliant genius, but is repeatedly bested by a teenage boy (he's in his 70's), can't take criticism at all, and has fits of tard rage when his plans fail, taking it out on his followers regardless of whether or not it was his own fault.
His fear of death is so great that he ends up ruining his good looks by repeatedly using a magic spell that would allow him to cheat death forever. Said spell involves murder.
Finally, he's extremely petty. He applied for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, even though it was pretty obvious that he had no way of getting the job. He, of course, got rejected and was so mad that he put a curse on the position and that resulted in every single DADA teacher in the series losing the job, sometimes due to dying or going insane. It's also implied that 30 years worth of teachers suffered similar fates.
He's incredibly narcissistic, and when Dumbledore visits him at his orphanage as a kid and tells him he's a wizard, he immediately accepts it because he wants to be considered "special." He imagines that his real family is made up of great wizards, but they're actually a bunch of inbred bigots and rapists, so he kills them. He thinks he's a brilliant genius, but is repeatedly bested by a teenage boy (he's in his 70's), can't take criticism at all, and has fits of tard rage when his plans fail, taking it out on his followers regardless of whether or not it was his own fault.
His fear of death is so great that he ends up ruining his good looks by repeatedly using a magic spell that would allow him to cheat death forever. Said spell involves murder.
Finally, he's extremely petty. He applied for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, even though it was pretty obvious that he had no way of getting the job. He, of course, got rejected and was so mad that he put a curse on the position and that resulted in every single DADA teacher in the series losing the job, sometimes due to dying or going insane. It's also implied that 30 years worth of teachers suffered similar fates.
The dude's basically HP's version of Zapp Brannigan: an arrogant idiot who built up a stunning reputation through years of lying and deceiving others.
When he was a Hogwarts student, he and his mother had a Chris and Barb relationship. She'd coddle him and tell him how great he was. That led to him becoming a narcissist and he never really learned how to be a competent wizard because he thought that learning anything was beneath him. He was always desperate for attention and even though none of his classmates really liked him, he'd do things like carve his name into the Quidditch pitch in huge letters, use magic to project a giant image of his face in the sky, and send himself 800 valentines on Valentine's Day (since mail is delivered by owls in HP, this led to breakfast getting cancelled for the day because of all the feathers and bird shit).
He was really good at erasing other peoples' memories, though, and used that to wipe the minds of wizards who actually had done incredible things and then he used their stories to write books claiming that he did all those things and get famous. He becomes Hogwarts' new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and decorates the classroom with pictures of himself. His lessons have nothing to do with the class, but everything to do with himself (with test questions like "what is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?"). When he's put into a position where he actually has to save somebody and prove that he's really as awesome as he says he is, he starts to panic and tries to leave the school. He's content with allowing a little girl to die so he can keep up his charade, and says that he'll just make up a story about how he was too late to save her.
When he was a Hogwarts student, he and his mother had a Chris and Barb relationship. She'd coddle him and tell him how great he was. That led to him becoming a narcissist and he never really learned how to be a competent wizard because he thought that learning anything was beneath him. He was always desperate for attention and even though none of his classmates really liked him, he'd do things like carve his name into the Quidditch pitch in huge letters, use magic to project a giant image of his face in the sky, and send himself 800 valentines on Valentine's Day (since mail is delivered by owls in HP, this led to breakfast getting cancelled for the day because of all the feathers and bird shit).
He was really good at erasing other peoples' memories, though, and used that to wipe the minds of wizards who actually had done incredible things and then he used their stories to write books claiming that he did all those things and get famous. He becomes Hogwarts' new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and decorates the classroom with pictures of himself. His lessons have nothing to do with the class, but everything to do with himself (with test questions like "what is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?"). When he's put into a position where he actually has to save somebody and prove that he's really as awesome as he says he is, he starts to panic and tries to leave the school. He's content with allowing a little girl to die so he can keep up his charade, and says that he'll just make up a story about how he was too late to save her.
Snape's got some lolcow tendencies as well. He was bullied in high school, and remains a bitter asshole 20 years later because of it. He called his crush a name that pretty much amounted to a racial slur in the Harry Potter universe, which results in her wanting nothing more to do with him. She eventually marries one of the guys who bullied Snape and since Harry is their son, Snape treats him especially badly.
That being said, Snape does show mitigating factors that the other two don't. He's super awesome at potions, and still does his part to save Harry even though he hates him.
That being said, Snape does show mitigating factors that the other two don't. He's super awesome at potions, and still does his part to save Harry even though he hates him.
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- Joined
- Aug 30, 2014
Pepe the frog (at least the internet version). He's a suicidal, bipolar wreck of a life who is most likely schizophrenic due to his multiple assumptions of rare forms.
- Joined
- May 15, 2015
@Darwin Watterson
Voldemort is like a bratty, spoiled 16 year old girl. He thinks he's all that, causes so much drama, hangs out with a clique who supports him (Death Eaters), he has a diary (another horcrux), he has a special pet (Nagini the snake), he has a tiara (one of the horcruxes), and last but not least, an obsession with a famous teenaged boy (Harry).
Voldemort is like a bratty, spoiled 16 year old girl. He thinks he's all that, causes so much drama, hangs out with a clique who supports him (Death Eaters), he has a diary (another horcrux), he has a special pet (Nagini the snake), he has a tiara (one of the horcruxes), and last but not least, an obsession with a famous teenaged boy (Harry).
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2015
Voldemort is way too powerful, knowledgeable, and successful to qualify as a cow.
- He was capable of controlled, wandless magic before he had his first pubes.
- He was born without money, Fame, or any contact with his family. Despised by all his living relatives aside from his pathetic, luckless mother who had to drug her baby daddy into conceiving him and died during childbirth.
- In spite of all those disadvantages, he becomes his school's brightest student, the Capo di Tucci Cappi of the magical underground, and a Lovecraftian deity who can find and kill anyone he wants. By the end of the books, the mere act of speaking his name alerts him and all his capos of your exact location.
- He launched a successful coup against the most sophisticated and powerful government in the magic world.
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2015
One Piece has its share of quirky people, but two of the main characters have lolcow-ish tendencies:
Luffy is a dim-witted teenager who can't read maps, doesn't know anything about navigation, and at the beginning of the story doesn't have his own ship, doesn't have a crew and yet he still thinks he can be The King of Pirates, a position that puts him at odds with the greatest criminal groups and the fascist-like government and it's heavily armed military and inteligence agencies. He doesn't even have a good reason to do so pursue his goal, it took the author like ten years to come with some backstory to justify this childish delusion of grandeur and even then it's kinda bs.
Luffy isn't just kinda dumb, he's extremely naive, ignorant, reckless, clueless, lacks manners and tact and is pretty much useless at anything that isn't eating out like a pig and fighting (he's aware of this).
Luffy isn't just kinda dumb, he's extremely naive, ignorant, reckless, clueless, lacks manners and tact and is pretty much useless at anything that isn't eating out like a pig and fighting (he's aware of this).
Usop is one of Luffy's crewmembers. He's a pathological liar with an oversized ego and a coward. Before meeting Luffy he was a neet who spent his days hanging out with children and reenacting "the kid who cried wolf" by running around yelling "the pirates are coming!" soon after dawn. While Ussopp's kinda the butt of all jokes, he has a handful of reedming qualities. For starters he is an unparalleled sniper, though he's still fairly weak. He's also good at fixing and inventing weapons, even if they're occasionally more silly than deadly. He also has some glimpses of self-awareness, mostly powered by his own cowardice.
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2015
I think that we are going off into the territory of any flawed character is a lolcow now in this thread. Most of these characters are far too powerful to be considered lolcows
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2015
I dunno, I wouldn't say overpowered = not lolcow. Think of comic Chris. Is he overpowered? Yes he is. Is he less of a cow than the real life Christian Weston Chandler? Not really.
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- Feb 24, 2015
The way I look at it, a lot of these characters can still be considered lolcows despite being powerful in-universe. Voldemort, for example. He's super powerful in the series, but his personality still SCREAMS horrorcow. If he existed in real life, it's not hard to imagine him ranting onthe internet about how terrible he thinks Harry is (that is, if he wasn't a serial killer).