What was the most lolcow moment in the history of war?

Polentic said:
Russia WW1. Tsar Nicholas, & Rasputin
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Funny, but emperor Nicolai I had a secret covert addendum to some treaty with germans. Basically what it state was that both countries agreed to not go to war with each other.
On the other hand he had an OVERT treaty with the brits. And brits, being sneaky island people they are, ivested into russian empire economy before the war.
So he had a choice- uphold more natural good relations with german and face a default and bancrapsy of the whole country due to brits, or uphold unnatural union with the brits take his chances with the war. Too bad he picked the wrong side.

Yaoi Huntress Earth said:
Wasn't the main reason there were kamikaze tactics was due to how badly the planes were designed?
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No. Kamikazes were actually a very sane, calculated cold decision. Decision of the psychopaths, yes, but a rational decidion.
Allies estimated the casualties during the invasion of japan home island would be around 1 million. Those were far from the accepted casualties in the 1945 for any country.
Besides that, unlike japan, UK and USA are ""democratic"" countries with elections. So if war drags on and on and on, bringing high casualties is the final stage of it, current politicians might not be reelacted. And that means Allies would have to sit down and sign conditional peace treaty with the japanese.
And to that the japan military needed to make Allies reconsider attacking home islands. And they did it with the kamikaze. The ones we see and hear about are "accidental" kamikazes. Vast majority of kamikazee attacks were conducted at night, using outdated and slow biplanes- because they were quite, very quite.
So in a sense the high command and the emperor, the bastards who made all the decisions and made all the criminal policies- they wanted to stay in power, they were clinging to their chairs. And they were trying to buy their safety with the lives of kamikazee pilots and sailors. Thank god for the bombs or they would've never stopped.

Phalanges Mycologist said:
The whole of the Maginot Line.
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Maginot line was designed with the very specific criteria:
1. Politicians will allow for only a small professional army. The rest were constripts. Thus they would require substantial time to mobilize, time which could be bought if germs are herded northwards and delayed there. It was part of the "Methodical war" doctrine of french- as soon as the war started not just army, but the whole state would be oriented towards the total war. Supposedly in fast order.
2. Vast majority of industry and, most importantly, natural resources like coal, was located south-stwards (Metz-Nancy-Strasbourg). If germans took it over in a swift aggressive strategic move- they could just sit on it and starve french remaining industry.
3. French weren't idiots- they knew germans would do what they did before throughout history- execute manuever war in an attempt to kock out enemies quickly. The Belgium defense lines were benefiting french in the upcoming maneuver war. And this gave another reason to herd germans into that area,
French failed for multiple factors, but Maginot line wasnt one of them. It did what it was designed to do.
Germans didnt win because they were that good. They have won because french army was that bad. Well, not entirely, but mostly.
 
Fastest Hand In The East said:
But for the me the pinnacle of it was the sinking of Yamato and the whole Yamato story- japanese kept it in reserve the whole war, hoping for the decisive battle which never came. The whole war the thing was just sitting in harbours while it could have done much help in several battles. And the final order in 1945 was was to plough straight through the USA lines and ground itself to be turned into a de-facto battery. Of course the Yamato group was immedietly spotted and immedietly attacked by swarms of USA bombers. The ship sank for the cost of something like 10 (?) airplanes downed. Thats insane and insanely funny.
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Most of the planes downed were destroyed from, wait for it... not gunfire but the ship itself's massive explosion.
 
I would nominate the Voyage of the Russian Empire's Second Pacific Squadron in the Russo-Japanese War. If you're unfamiliar with it, I encourage you to look it up. The entire thing is one disaster after another, and the most amazing thing about it is that it even made it to Tsushima. Which, if you know anything about naval history, Tsushima was one of the most one sided shit-stomps ever called a battle, a perfect capstone to an incredibly unfortunate fleet. If I was one of the sailors on that fleet I would probably be haunting the seas to this day, furious at having died in such a hilariously stupid series of events.

Though as stupid as the Second Pacific's Squadron's voyage and fate for it was, its commander, Admiral "Mad Dog" Rozhestvensky (given the nickname because he did not take any bullshit) was an extremely respectable man, and I'd say it would be in large part due to him and his staff of people who were presumably those he did not get incredibly pissed off at constantly that he managed to get the fleet to Tsushima at all. Where it got its ass kicked, but that's how it is sometimes.

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The most respectable thing he did though involved his conduct after his defeat, refusing to allow any blame for Tsushima to be placed on his subordinates, and insisted on taking the entirety of the blame, despite being wounded early during the battle and thus not in any place to command, let alone surrender. He held out stubbornly enough that what would have been life imprisonment or death for many was pared down to far less severe punishments or pardons.
Yaoi Huntress Earth said:
Wasn't the main reason there were kamikaze tactics was due to how badly the planes were designed?
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Not particularly- all sorts of planes were used for suicide attacks, though a few were specially designed, the Japanese couldn't exactly be picky either, so obsolete aircraft and trainer aircraft were used, which understandably don't have top of the line flight characteristics. Kamikaze attack tactics were a purely mathematical decision. Normally, a pilot is a very valuable, well trained mechanical expert- crashing one of them into something, no matter what kind of plane they have, is not a smart decision compared to maximizing pilot survivability to make sure they get better at what they do, and eventually, when they get good enough, you put them into training programs where they teach the new pilots how to fly like they do. This is what the Allies did- because they could afford to do it, and Germany and Japan could not afford to do it, so their best pilots flew missions until the majority of them died. Huge kill count aces are cool to look at, but realistically are a sign that you're not utilizing your resources efficiently. Better to have five hundred decent pilots than a single ultra-rapist.

However, this requires two things- pilot survivability, and time. The Japanese didn't have a lot of time at the stage of the war Kamikaze tactics became common, everything was a delaying action, the fuel reserves were scarce, and worst of all for their aeronautical forces, the skilled pilots that were around at the start of the war had been ground down by the attrition of war and constant demand for their use. So the IJA and IJN had to look at how they could use what they had when considering doing enough damage to allied naval assets to delay and defend against invasions of the home islands.

You see, a dive bombing attack or a torpedo attack, where the attacking plane is (ostensibly) intended to survive, is not easy for a novice pilot to pull off without getting shredded, either by enemy fighters (by far the more effective defense but I digress) or by ground/ship based anti-aircraft armaments, and by the end of the war, Allied ships had an absolute shit-ton of anti-aircraft guns stuck on them. A novice attack pilot is incredibly likely to be shot down, losing both the pilot, and the plane. Given this rather unenviable reality, the Special Attack units were formed on that same logic- if you're going to lose a pilot and the plane anyways, then why not maximize the chances of a successful attack? As it turns out, telling a novice pilot to just gun the engines and try and ram something is much, much easier than coaching them through everything only for them to not be able to carry out a successful attack anyways. It also does not require the fuel for a return trip- a bonus, if you will.

Successful attacks happened plenty enough, by the by, hence why they were considered threats at all and not just flukes, and tactics and defenses were made to counter kamikaze attacks. The cost to damage ratio of individual aircraft versus ships being so overwhelming is the entire reason that back then and now naval combat has revolved around aircraft carriers, and the Costco solution to not having carrier groups, missile spam, which does the same thing as a carrier group but doesn't have the extra range afforded by having the missiles stuck on planes.

TL;DR it's Economics. At least, the sort of economics you practice when you're losing. One might note that the Germans did not commit to any large scale suicide craft program, but their situation was completely different from the Japanese one. You can't ram a plane into a strip of eastern europe and sink a Soviet division.
 
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Freezard said:
I would nominate the Voyage of the Russian Empire's Second Pacific Squadron in the Russo-Japanese War. If you're unfamiliar with it, I encourage you to look it up. The entire thing is one disaster after another, and the most amazing thing about it is that it even made it to Tsushima. Which, if you know anything about naval history, Tsushima was one of the most one sided shit-stomps ever called a battle, a perfect capstone to an incredibly unfortunate fleet. If I was one of the sailors on that fleet I would probably be haunting the seas to this day, furious at having died in such a hilariously stupid series of events.
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Do you see Torpedo Boats?
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Many of my favorites have been mentioned already, so i'll do Beatty and his major fuckups at Jutland.

Now Jutland was a pretty big thing and is still debated today, so if you want a proper detailed timeline of events check out the Wikipedia link or naval sperg Drachnifel's videos about it.

The very brief version is that the German and British navies were gonna fight it out and Beatty (who was leading the British heavy scouting element) managed the following:

1: a shit deployment of his battleships so they couldn't support his battlecruisers

2: Upon detecting the Germans, wasted time in getting his squadron ready and giving away his range advantage to the Germans, losing two of his battlecruisers. He could have had them under fire for 15 minutes before they could reply...

3: somehow fought the entire battle without relaying his position to the rest of the fleet. His signalling in battle was also pretty shit. Jellicoe, who was in overall command, had to rely on reports from cruisers and guesswork to deploy the fleet when the main clash was imminent. Fortunately for the Brits, he made the right choice.

4: Before Jutland, Beatty had also spent a few months ignoring his battlecruisers gunnery issues, which directly contributed to the loss of Queen Mary and Indefatigable during the battle.

After the war Beatty was promoted to First Sea Lord. He immediately threw his old boss Jellicoe under the bus in an official report, written to make him look good. Beatty spent the rest of his life promoting himself, shitting on Jellicoe and being an insufferable cunt.
 
Background:
Host of King Jean II of France has surrounded the english army led by Edward the Black Prince. Cardinal Perigord on behalf of the Pope tried to negotiate between the two parties.

Negotiations:
Eventually, the Black Prince agreed to return all prisoners and territory taken over the past three years, refrain from fighting the French for seven years and pay 100,000 écu to King Jean.

Decision:
However persuaded by the nobles, the french king decided that he would not allow prince Edward to escape without a fight (french army was three times larger than the english one, so they assumed an easy victory) .

How it ended:
French attacked english defences in four waves. All four got repelled.
In the end, king Jean II lost the battle, got captured and was ransomed later for three million gold écu (twice the annual income of France). He was also forced to cede among others: Gascony, Poitou, Guyenne, Perigord, Limousin, Calais, Ponthieu and Saintonge(a full third of France) to England in a treaty later.

en.wikipedia.org

Battle of Poitiers - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org
 
You know what, I've been thinking but the whole of WW1 was a joke for everybody involved, it was a war that didn't have to be fought and it was apocalyptic in scale and we're still feeling the effects of it both, Social, Economical, Politically and in population numbers amongst the white demographic (compounded by WW2 but was given a massive start) you can see to this day.
 
I don't know if it was the most lolcow or the most cuck story, but some retard in ancient times stole a dude's wife and the the dude gave them a free horse in return. Retard accepted a free horse and lived to regret it. Homer Simpson wrote about it.
 
Anytime someone decided to invade Russia during the winter or anytime Russia tried invading anyone else especially the Japanese.
 
The Battle of Weaverville is a fun bit of autism.
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During the California gold rush, two rival groups of Chinese miners had a beef over mining rights and old country shit and decided to settle it the honorable way. Both groups commissioned the town's blacksmiths to make them traditional Chinese weaponry. Once they got their weapons, they hired some white 'experts' to help train them. After a week of preparations they meet on a field outside the mining town, donned in traditional clothing and flying banners while the white townsfolk pulled up seats to watch and place bets on who is going to win (few whites even joined in as mercenaries donned in yellowface). The miners originally were getting cold feet about the battle, but were pushed into it by the white spectators. About 2,000 people were involved in this shitshow and after a short battle, 20 something miners died and one white spectator was shot and killed by another spectator for cheating by shooting into the group he bet against. Both mining groups claim victory, and fun was had that day by the white spectators.
 
reptile baht spaniard rid said:
IIRC Custer could have had motherfucking gatling guns but he turned them down as they were "too new".
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That's not just Custer, the US army as a whole is like that. Ironically, one of the few areas the US military lags behind the civilian market is firearms. Remember, the US Civil War was fought with muzzle loaders while Bleeding Kansas years earlier was fought with breech loaders and revolvers. The Union could have adopted the Henry repeater rifle in the war, but never did because of concerns over cost, reliability, as well as at least one Brass worried it would just encourage soldiers to waste ammo. But the gun was popular and bought privately by soldiers, civilians, and native Americans alike. Speaking of native Americans, guess what kind of rifle the Indians at Little Big Horn had a lot of...
 
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