>"Things I Remember To Avoid Misogyny"
> "I'm better [...] than women"
I love it that he deadass thinks a healthy way to combat misogyny is just. Reminding yourself that you're misogynistic. It really drives home the whole idea.
I searched for this story and was mildly amused, I genuinely thought this was a parody/trollfic making fun of people like that. Until I clicked on the profile and they have 46 fanfics, one of them being 45k words. Poe's Law I guess, what do we think, overly committed troll or sincere autist?
I feel like this HAS to be sincere autist. There's no fucking way someone can humanly spend this much time setting up such an elaborate troll, especially for something as (relatively) obscure as fucking fanfiction.net. But then again, I guess people have done more outlandish things for the sake of trolling before, so who knows, really.
2. There are things I'm better at than women who have sex are. Most women on Onlyfans could get laid 1000x easier than me, but how many could write as many stories as I have in the space of a month? Not many! There are things to take pride in about myself that, in my opinion, are more impressive than getting laid.
The first ‘lesson’ began with Ezio blushing furiously, standing in his uncle’s bedchamber listening to Mario explain in detail the best ways to wash oneself in preparation; as well as various signs, symbols, and codes often used by men to signal their inclinations and find compatible partners in different cities.
While undressing him.
“Obviously, just as it is with women, men do not all enjoy exactly the same things,” Mario continued, pulling Ezio’s shirt off over his head. He folded it carefully before placing it to one side with Ezio’s robes and armour, in an action that had a feel of ritual to it. He then stepped up behind Ezio again, and Ezio shivered with mingled nerves and anticipation as his uncle’s hands, large and warm and firm, came to rest lightly on his bare hips. “But even more than that, you will not necessarily be performing the same role with each one.”
“The same… role?” Ezio asked, distracted by the feeling of Mario’s thumbs rubbing light circles over his skin, sending a soft ripple of goosebumps up his sides.
“Some men will want you to fuck them. Others will want to fuck you. Some enjoy both,” Mario said bluntly, and Ezio swallowed nervously.
“How does that… I don’t—”
“Relax, Ezio,” Mario said, gentle amusement lacing through the affectionate warmth in his voice. “We will not be starting with that immediately. We never have to at all, if you find you don’t want to. Sometimes, as I am sure you know yourself, a man’s needs are very simple indeed.”
He pressed against Ezio from behind as he spoke, and Ezio’s breath caught as the warm pressure of his uncle’s hand slid inwards and down to palm his cock over top of his remaining clothing.
“A skilled hand can often be more than enough to bring pleasure and satisfaction,” Mario murmured, bending his head to press his lips to the side of Ezio’s neck and squeezing him lightly through his pants, the fabric of which suddenly seemed much too thick for Ezio’s liking.
Ezio tilted his head with a softly huffed breath, baring his neck to Mario’s mouth. Despite his nerves, his body responded readily to the caress, and his cock filled eagerly under his uncle’s touch. His breathing was already beginning to come faster as Mario started stroking him slowly, though the movement was more… rhythmic tugs than anything else.
“And will I be tested on my technique and skill in this too, Uncle?” Ezio asked, breathing a short laugh.
Mario chuckled, humming against his neck, and gave his cock a slightly harder squeeze with a twist of his wrist that made Ezio’s knees go briefly shaky.
“Nothing quite so formal as that, Ezio,” he said. Ezio nearly whined when that warm pressure left his rapidly-stiffening cock, his uncle instead using both hands to deftly undo Ezio’s pants as he spoke. “The goal is rather for you to become… more aware. To experience things you may not have before. To learn what you enjoy and what you are comfortable returning in kind, in a situation where you are free to ask questions or simply stop entirely, at any time.”
Scooting his chair around the corner of his desk, heart thudding loudly in his chest and his face burning with a heady mix of arousal and shame and a distant sort of secondhand embarrassment, Shaun leaned back and turned his computer monitor to get as good a simultaneous view as he could of Desmond in the Animus and Ezio in the memory sequence recording.
Ezio was still lazily stroking himself off— even as Shaun watched avidly, the intermittent spurts of piss became a steady stream— and Desmond started wetting himself in the chair again.
The blue denim of his jeans darkened with a wet patch that bloomed just next to his fly and then spread, quickly. Shaun bit down on a strangled groan, one hand drifting down to squeeze his own rapidly-stiffening cock through his clothes as he watched that wet patch grow; listened to Desmond’s soft noises of unconscious pleasure and relief. He was getting hard, too, Shaun was certain of it— the bulge in his crotch slowly thickening, dick getting harder even while he pissed his jeans from what Ezio was doing. Or, perhaps more accurately, what Desmond was doing as Ezio, in his own mind.
In any case, Shaun wasn’t particularly worried about about the semantics of it all just then, too busy trying not to give into the temptation to get himself off right there while he watched. Ezio had apparently finished pissing— or possibly gotten too fucking hard to finish pissing— and was speeding up, pumping his dripping cock faster, his lips parted in a faint, open-mouthed smirk while he watched himself through heavy-lidded eyes. Desmond was an absolute mess, his jeans soaked and piss still dripping from the Animus chair to the stone floor beneath… and he was squirming now, too, hands fisted at his sides, his hips shifting and rocking and desperate, breathy little noises spilling from his lips.
Shaun stifled a whimper, biting his lip, his straining cock throbbing with need between his legs— and he finally gave in, fumbling out a fistful of tissues from the kleenex box on his desk and shoving them straight down his trousers with one hand, gripping himself through the fabric with the other. At least here they didn’t have cameras set up; no one but himself would ever know what he’d done.
The other user I mentioned, MsLittleTall AKA MsLittleLeaks, the German piss fetishist, admitted in one of her fics - archive - she has difficulty pissing in public, especially when she hears others do it. I get some have legit trouble, but this is a weird fucking thing to admit on a fanfic website of all places.
I also fucking hate how she writes Ornstein. While he has no speaking roles, his body language and background lore is enough to give you some aspect into his personality. She writes him as a literal bottom bitch boy cuck. These people cannot comprehend that gay/bisexual people (in Soulsborne games you can argue literally everyone has a taste for anyone) are normal fucking people, and this is coming from someone who is the first to call someone a faggot. Ornstein is a literal piss-fetishist faggot in her fics. There, I said it. It alliterates!
I found a lovely little person in the comment section of a YouTube video, that was celebrating that Lucas Roberts aka Keffals took down the farms for like a week. The person linked their fanfic account. I took a cursory glance at it and saw rape and underage in the tags. No wonder the person Demon_in_the_shell has no qualms defending a groomer peddling drugs to teenagers.
Archive
There's a lot more than that, I don't want to read anymore.
Fanfiction.net bio
There maybe some milk from this guy, acts like an Internet tough guy in comment sections does the cringey roleplaying, ie: *cracks knuckles*, "you're finished kiddo" thing.
The new Modern Warfare iteration has brought all the girls to the yard. The Soap/Ghost pairing has gone from 200 to nearly 800 in two weeks, and will absolutely surpass 1,000. That said, looking through the archives, barely any of these retards know what life is like in the military. This one includes Soap being made into an Aiden, and the author found it applicable to add Mpreg...to a biologically female character. We've had our share of sea horse dads and their lunacy, now try it among fanfiction.
I archived the entire thing in case of deletion. It is here.Author also has a Dream fanfic. Live link.
A sample.
Soap dressed himself in a hurry and quietly left the cold room. He looked around the hall, seeing nobody there. He relaxed a bit. Choosing to head for the showers. It was way to early in the morning and since there was no mission everybody slept in or was home until called up. He washed between his legs, his thighs were sticky and he saw a bite mark in one of them. 'Fucks sake.' He dried himself and got out, walking straight to his room. Soap rubbed his jaw feeling a slight stubble growing. The panick growing making his heart jump in a way that couldn't be considered healthy for this time of day.
"I ain't gonna go back to sleep now" He mumbled as he dressed in to something comfortable. Soap layed on the bed, hands on his chest. Slowly moving his hands to the places he recalled being touched. His heart fluttered. 'Like a ghost'. He grinned to himself before deciding he was probably losing it. "Yes, fuck the lieutentant will ye. Good fucking job soap." Not only was it stupid and irrational but also not accepted. A lieutenant and a lower rank having a relationship wasn't unheard of but it was frowned upon. He would hear story's of cadet's or sergeants like himself fooling around with a higher rank and some were even fired because it would interfere with the job. 'Did I make a huge fucking mistake..' He ran a hand through his hair. "Probably". But there was no one to agree with him in the silence of his room.
'10 AM. Good time for some training'. Soap jumped of bed and headed for the training fields. It was raining outside so the inside area would do. There was a running track and all kinds of machines inside. If you wanted to do parkour and fight others you would have to go outside where you have more room. He tied his shoe laces, feeling his private area throb at all the movement. "Fuckin'hell, this man is hiding a beast". He mumbled.
Soap ignored the hot rush going to his stomach and started doing tracks. Despite him not being as tall as the others he was still just as fast. In this case his length not being his fault at all. The onlyi person nobody could outrun at all was Ghost himself. The man was a fucking lunatic, once going on about wanting to beat a record to him. He wouldn't say that to the other men though, just to him. He heart gave a sqeeuze. On his seventh'd lap he decided he had enough and went back to doing some stretches. Especially around his bowels since they were killing him.
Have some of this fucking King dialogue.
"What" Soap asked, feeling stupified.
"Where were you all day?" Ghost asked. A bourbon in his hand.
"Uh.. I was training." He replied.
"Strange, I was to but I didn't see you." A silence filled for a minute, tension cutting like a knife through the air.
"You must have mist me." He mumbled loudly, taking a seat next to Gaz.
"Must have". Ghost eyes him curiously. Soap raised his eyebrows.
Gaz took a sip, swalled and grinned. "So how 'bout yesterday huh? Had fun?" Ghost grunted in reply.
"How about you Soap?" Gaz put his arm around him. "I heard Price say something about you breaking the rules. You bring back a nice gal?"
Soap opened his mouth, then closed it. 'This is ridiculous.' "I don't swing that way." He grumbled as he shoved Gaz's arm away.
Gaz looked surprised. Only for a moment though before he had another cheeky grin on his face. "Alright, so who's the lucky lad?" Soap roled his eyes as he licked his dry lips. He appreciated Gaz and loved him like a little brother but this wasn't helping. What also wasn't helping was Ghost's eyes on him. He could feel it.
"Hmm, alright. You keep your secrets! I'll just ask Price then!"
"No!" The words roled out of him without choice. Fuck sake. He looked away. Still feeling the shit eating grin of Gaz next to him.
"I ll get it out of you eventually. I want to know if the lad's treating you right." Soap looked at Gaz. Gaz smiled and clapped his shoulder.
A more comfortable silence filled the air. "I didn't know you had somebody Johnny." Ghost finally said. Soap's heart started racing. 'This fucking idiot. Does he seriously not remember.'
"I don't." He finally met Ghosts eyes. The man eyed him down again and took a sip. Soap could tell he was having a hard time dropping it.
"Honestly, I don't remember much of last night." Ghost mumbled. The man next to him hummed thoughtfully. "To much alcohol will do that, honestly even I'm not surpised with how much you were drinking yesterday." Gaz said jokingly.
So, not only is Soap:
- smaller than his male colleagues
- talks like a woman, acts like a woman
- Is moody
- Is slow
- Likely had standards lowered for him
And all this on T is...just fucking crazy. I know there has been far more examples of transwomen in the military, but never the opposite. We know Aidens on T don't perform as well as natal males, and do not grow as tall as transwomen.
There will also be a discussion on ABORTION, because men can get them, too, bigots.
Currently, there are about 50,000 or so works featuring Aidens. And in nearly every one, they give away that dreaded female socialization. You can tell just from the examples here of the differences of when men write their shit smut and when women do. The men, at least, admit that it's fucked up and they do it for philosophical purposes, while the women just throw a literal shit fit (no pun intended). So yeah. Even with T, they don't get that 'blue brain'. It's hilarious.
Found another Aiden-centric fic in the MW2 fandom, albeit this time around it's a TikTok retard writing it. The dumbass couldn't even format her work properly. Archived here.
She has the gall to say this is a 'gay sex' fic, when BOTH of them are trans, and there is penis in vagina sex. No idea if it's a rot dog but if it is, it's the first.
Snippets:
Ghost let out a choking noise, almost like a sob that caught soaps attention, he felt a pinch on his left arm right afterwards causing him to slow down and pull out. Picking up his boxers to put back on beofre sitting on the bed beside ghost.
"Simon?" He said as he rubbed the tears off of ghosts cheeks with his thumb. Ghost never cried, only when he felt dysphoric. Soap leaned over and grabbed simons boxers slipping them on the other before pulling him onto his lap. Ghost looking soap in the face and began to calm down. "I'm sorry Johnny, I'm so sorry I didn't mean t—" soap interrupted him."gho— simon. Don't be sorry, it's completely alright. Are you okay tho?" Ghost nodded "I just started feeling like..like a girl again..I didn't mean to start crying.." soap frowned and pulled ghost closer to his chest. "Look Simon, I'll always see you as a man, alright? You'll always be my handsome boyfriend to me, I don't care what anyone else says you are a man no matter what type of body you have. Now let's go take a bath, or a shower, yea?" Ghost shook his head no, "I don't wanna take a bath, can we just cuddle with L.t and Captain?" Soap smiled softly and nodded. "You lay here, get changed if you want to. I'll go get the cats and make you some tea, that sound good?" Ghost gave a tiny smile and nodded "thank you, Johnny." He replied as soap left a soft kiss on his forehead before standing up and leaving the room.
Ghost stood up and searched through his side of the closet, realizing all his other shirts are dirty, "fuck.." he muttered under his breath before reaching over and grabbing one of soaps older band tees that he rarely wears. "This'll do."
Ghost returned to his spot on the bed and grabbed the tv remote, turning it on and waiting for his partner to return.
Soap had eventually came back with Captain in his left arm and a cup of tea in the other, L.t following behind him.
He put the cat down and made his way back over to the bed handing Simon the tea.
It took me about five seconds to find out how long the British military requires a stable gender identity for you to serve openly: 3 years. In the US it's 18 months. Hint: stable. Which means a shrink clears you to go and you passed the fitness test. Simon, who is actually a man in the game, and a big motherfucker, is a full blown woman in this, tits and all.
This is how the author ends her author's notes:
In class
In da shower
At volleyball practice (fuckung hate that)
Rahhhhhhhh
H
Uhhhh
Uh
Uh
Uh
Uh
Uh
Uh
Uhhhhhh
GRAAAAHHHHHH RAHHH AHHH AHH
Guaranteed she didn't even look up TikToks from actual military people to see what life is like. I'm in fandoms where if you get ONE detail wrong, you will be dragged across the coals (or at least it used to be that way). The attitude now is 'it's 2022, get over it.'
Speaking of, I grabbed this from the previous posted story.
"I don't know if you can spell"
"Excist"
"Your a clown"
LMAO
It's funny that this is the reaction to saying men don't have vaginas. The whole prefix of 'trans' shows that they aren't actually men. Plus, the whole 'it's the current year' is SOOOO 2015, Aiden.
There also used to be a sister fic to that where Jafar goes around capturing, raping, and impregnating women before killing them, but I can’t find it now. These two fics actually ran me off the internet for a few days out of sheer ”why did I read that.” I’m still not sure why I read that.
A more cringey, less horrific one I enjoy hating is Elly Sketchit, a furry who writes mostly One Piece and My Hero Academia fanfic, always inserting her fursona, also named Elly Sketchit. She‘s got numerous fics of her character getting it on with Zoro, Present Mic, or Aizawa, as well as this one where she’s running an amusement park themed around her, and all of the fictional men she’s ever liked work for her and live with her in the amusement park. Oh, and they’re all in love with her and spoil her because she’s so beautiful despite constantly throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.
There also used to be a sister fic to that where Jafar goes around capturing, raping, and impregnating women before killing them, but I can’t find it now. These two fics actually ran me off the internet for a few days out of sheer ”why did I read that.” I’m still not sure why I read that.
A more cringey, less horrific one I enjoy hating is Elly Sketchit, a furry who writes mostly One Piece and My Hero Academia fanfic, always inserting her fursona, also named Elly Sketchit. She‘s got numerous fics of her character getting it on with Zoro...
Oh, and they’re all in love with her and spoil her because she’s so beautiful despite constantly throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.
Least there's visual cues to show the character/author looks pretty fucking nuts. Do the characters have sex with her animal-self or just her human form, just out of curiosity?
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Least there's visual cues to show the character/author looks pretty fucking nuts. Do the characters have sex with her animal-self or just her human form, just out of curiosity?
I’ve only ever seen her write sex scenes using the human form, however, there’s a few references to the characters finding her cat ears and tail sexy. I haven’t nearly read all of it, and doubt I ever will, but so far no straight-up bestiality at least. Just borderline.
I’ve only ever seen her write sex scenes using the human form, however, there’s a few references to the characters finding her cat ears and tail sexy. I haven’t nearly read all of it, and doubt I ever will, but so far no straight-up bestiality at least. Just borderline.
I mean, pretty much. It’s more eye-roll-worthy than horrific, really. But I figured if I was gonna share the other one with Gaston raping beloved childhood characters, I should include a palate-cleanser, so….
The MW2 remake continues to explode, and there are quite a few hauls of troon-related content. Here's one of Ghost, written as an Aiden, wearing a cat collar. Link.
Snippet:
“You think so, darlin’?” Soap chuckles, slipping his hand from the back of the booth, where he’s been cradling the back of Ghost’s head and stroking calloused fingers over the shell of his ear just to see him shiver, to his thigh. Ghost jumps at the sudden contact, and then hits Soap sharply in the bicep when the other man chuckles. “You’re just like a little virgin when you get tipsy, you know that? Bet I could get you to cry just by pinching these pretty thighs,” Soap hisses, sliding his hand further up so that his fingers are ever so slightly brushing against the lips of Ghost’s distressingly empty cunt.
“We’re in public ,” Ghost hisses, but he knows no one is watching, that nobody can tell what’s going on between two off-duty soldiers beneath the table. There’s a shriek of laughter from a bachelorette party to the left of them and the pounding of some old pop song takes all attention away from them and instead to the dancefloor. “Someone could see,” he says anyways, but it does nothing to deter Soap.
“You don’t want people to see you, baby? Don’t want me to show off that pretty pussy to everyone, huh?” Johnny’s fingers start inching further up the fabric of Ghost’s trousers, away from his inner thighs but closer to his waistband. He’s so red that his cheeks feel like they’re on fire and even though Soap can’t technically see but he’s sure he can tell anyways. “Such a big, strong boy, I’m sure you could take everyone here and still whine for more.”
Damn, so manly, talking about each other's 'male' genitalia with a term used to describe distinctively female genitalia.
“You know that I know you’re a man,” Johnny says and Simon falters for a moment, confused. He trusts that Johnny’s not about to say anything…offensive, necessarily, but his arousal still fades, just a little. He hums in agreement and Johnny, who knows him better than anybody ever has, can clearly tell - Simon assumes that’s why he yanks him closer, mouth just shy of the shell of his ear, breath fanning out across the delicate skin when he says, “so you know when I ask you to put on a pretty dress and bend over for me, it’s not for any other reason than me being a filthy pervert, right?”
Ghost shudders, hard, violent - he’s not sure how Soap’s managed to pry open his skull and fish out his deepest, darkest fantasy, but he has . “Christ,” he swears, leaning over and burying his face in Soap’s throat. His face is burning , bright red and aflame; he feels so humiliated, even more so when Soap laughs at him, pats him gently on the back as he shakes and whines and falls apart just at the thought. Soap’s still fondling him beneath the table and he uses the opportunity that Ghost’s presented, the ability for the other man to completely hide his response, to boldly slip his fingers beneath Simon’s underwear.
Ghost half-sobs, half-moans at the stimulation, hips rucking up helplessly against Soap’s fingertips as they brush, just ever-so against his clit. There’s two fingers on either side, spreading his labia open just enough that Johnny can circle his middle finger against that spot with the barest of pressures. Johnny soothes him with a low sound, other hand curling around the back of Simon’s neck and pressing him further into his neck - Ghost whines and ignores any rational thought and bites .
Here is another where Ghost is a female using all of his kingly holes to help his friends - on base. Guess the author doesn't know about the orgies that have led to military men getting their asses dishonorably discharged. Link.
Exiting the room, he made his way to the barracks to take off his gear and the outer layer of his clothes. For good measure, he changed his masks for one that let his mouth be free while the rest of his face was still covered. He went to a hidden locker in the corner and pulled out a mini skirt, a small shirt and a choker. Quickly he changed, looking down at himself in the outfit. The skirt sat a little higher than last time, showing off more of his ass in the back and it was a wonder his cunt didn’t show out the front, though that was likely to change soon. The shirt itself was cropped, with skeleton hands designed in a way to look like they were holding his chest. The choker he was having a little bit of trouble with, but he guessed he could just ask Price to do it once they were all in the other room.
Quickly, he moved to a different room. This one they had been using as a makeshift area for meetings. He moved some tables and chairs around, trying to make room for what was about to happen. Just as he finished, he heard a knock at the door.
“You all set, Ghost?” Price asked.
“Uh, almost,” he replied. “Can you step in and help me with something real quick? Then we can let everyone else in?”
Price squeezed in the door, being careful not to open it too far so no one else could see just yet. Ghost saw him pause and take a shaky breath when he finally looked at him. “God above, I will never get used to that.”
Ghost smirked, swaying his hips a little to make the skirt fly up just ever so slightly.
Later in the fic, it's discovered that none of the dudes have big cocks, only skinny ones. Can't even write a good porn properly.
"Well, you're very good at what you do," he praised, causing a small whimper to come from the lieutenant, though it quickly turned into a moan as Price added a second finger to his hole. "He likes to be praised, being told what a good boy he is. If you're referring to his parts, only use cunt. All three holes are viable, though we will need lube for his ass. There's some hidden in the bookcase over there."
Gaz left the circle and returned immediately with the bottle.
"What do you say? Wanna ride me while Gaz opens up your ass?" Price asked softly, pressing up against Ghost to kiss his shoulder.
Ghost nodded and turned to capture Price in some more kisses. He pulled at Price's clothes, and was obliged with a fully nude captain within moments. Pushing himself into Price's lap, he ran his cunt along the length of his cock, causing small moans to escape the both of them.
Price reached between them, grabbing his cock to aim it. Slowly, Ghost lowered himself onto it. The stretch felt so fucking good . He was almost panting as he continued, taking more and more of Price's cock. Soon enough, he bottomed out and the two sat there for a minute, breathing heavily. Ghost felt Price's hands on his waist, thumb rubbing gentle circles into his hips. One of the hands reached up and pulled his shoulder down, letting the group have a better view of his ass and the cock in his cunt.
Very fascinating to see Aidens who will hardly ever get fucked dream about getting railed by the manliest men possible.
So far, there are around 40 works where Ghost is made into an Aiden. Most of it is just solid gay M/M stuff, but there are a few that are so fucking stupid they deserve their place here. A non binary lesbian writes a fic where Soap has a trans daughter...with Ghost, who is a trans man. It's every bit as fucked up as you imagine it to be. Author also begs for money and has the shittiest art imaginable. Said art will be posted in the SJW art thread. Link.
She narrowed her eyes before speaking again. "Rumors are going around that you're…. Friendly with a man named Simon Riley. Goes by Ghost amongst his perverted little friends. Rumors that you have a history with him.”
He fought a grimace, eye twitching with barely concealed agitation. Here we go. "And what about him?"
She rolled her eyes as if he just asked the dumbest question in the world and scoffed. "He's dangerous. Unstable. Retarded."
He felt his hands ball into tight fists as he resisted reaching for the gun hidden inside his jacket. Mrs. Baker didn't notice, and just continued.
"That man is not fit to raise a child. You can tell how that faggot has already infected his poor son with his… delinquency."
His hand lingered where he knew the gun was, despite his rational mind screaming in protest at shooting a civilian.
"You can't blame us for talking. How do we know you're not like him? A mentally ill pervert who should be behind bars? In this town, family is important. We don't take kindly to threats to our children. Your affiliation with him is suspicious, you have to admit."
He let out a slow breath through his teeth, trying to calm himself. "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you respectfully to shut the bloody hell up." He snapped.
So much for calm.
Also snagged this. Will post it in the tranny sideshows thread. Lastly, a nod to MrsLittleTall. She wrote an elaborate intersex fic in the Dark Souls universe set in a modern AU. Manus, who is more or less the god of the underworld (he's really a corrupted primordial human, but whatever), is made into a pharmacist who birthed his own four daughters. He is also dating Artorias, who, despite being an adult and having a liberal family, has to hide the fact he, an adult man, is dating another adult man. Link.
“Kid, you can't be serious!”
Manus stared at Artorias with wide eyes, who had come into his pharmacy not to get any medicine but with a very specific request.
“Pleeease, Manus.”, Artorias had his hands folded in front of him and the biggest puppy eyes possible on his face, “You are the last option I have. I told my parents that I finally found a partner so that they are off my tail. Now my mom's birthday is coming up and I promised I would come with the partner that I pulled out of my nose.”
“But... there has to be someone else that you could take!”, Manus said, taking a few steps back from the counter. It wasn't that he disliked Artorias, he actually was rather fond of the man, but he also was very aware that they had a massive age difference and Manus was more akin to be his father than his date.
“Well, I asked Ornstein and while he was ready to be my fake date, I then had to tell him that my parents breed hunting dogs and then he got all pale and suddenly had something else to do. I then remembered that he actually has quite a phobia of dogs, only being able to interact with my Sif. Then I asked Ciaran and while she seemed to be VERY ready to be my fake date, she then got called on a mission. She called me and apologized even a hundred times for it. I can't take Gough, because my parents know him and they know he is aro/ace. Who else should I ask? Gwyndolin who would probably insist on taking their snakes along? And Lady Gwynevere is FAR too busy for such an event and I am not trusting Seath as far Ciaran's hair goes and she keeps it rather short.”
“So.”, Manus said, pretending to fill in prescriptions to make his hands look busy, “You came to ME instead? Even though I am so much older and your parents probably won't approve of you dating someone the age of your dad?”
“...You have a point actually.”, Artorias said, leaning on the counter and letting his head hang low, “But still, I prefer this over coming with nobody again. They won't ever let me hear the end of it. Please, Manus, do this for me and I'll do anything you want.”
Tame as things go, but the author responded terribly to being told what intersex conditions actually were. And that these are grown men, they don't need to fucking do this.
There also used to be a sister fic to that where Jafar goes around capturing, raping, and impregnating women before killing them, but I can’t find it now. These two fics actually ran me off the internet for a few days out of sheer ”why did I read that.” I’m still not sure why I read that.
A more cringey, less horrific one I enjoy hating is Elly Sketchit, a furry who writes mostly One Piece and My Hero Academia fanfic, always inserting her fursona, also named Elly Sketchit. She‘s got numerous fics of her character getting it on with Zoro, Present Mic, or Aizawa, as well as this one where she’s running an amusement park themed around her, and all of the fictional men she’s ever liked work for her and live with her in the amusement park. Oh, and they’re all in love with her and spoil her because she’s so beautiful despite constantly throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.
Aimless: A fanfic for the Spyro the Dragon fandom that supposed to be a "deconstruction" of the numerous cliches the fandom has made. It's actually a remarkably whiny cringe fest with a severe lack of self-awareness; featuring a Mary Sue protagonist and just about everyone acting OOC to fit with the author's politics. On top of this, the fic is notorious for taking extremely long to go anywhere - it started in 2015, is on chapter 57 currently, and is supposed to have 15 "story arcs"; we haven't even gotten through the 3rd arc at this point.
Anyone want to lose a few braincells, give it a shot.
Bad Fanfiction has been a a guilty pleasure of mine for a while now, there’s nothing like falling down a rabbit hole of awful writing, hilarious crack, cringe writers, and peculiar fetishes.
My favorite bad fanfic to date is one I heard being read on the Distorted View Podcast back in 2015. The plot of the fanfic is Barack Obama building a Time Machine to bring Abraham Lincoln to the future so that he can have sex with him. Antics and homoerotic feelings ensue: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10562220/1/Barack-Obama-Abraham-Lincoln-A-Bromance
I’m pretty sure it’s written as a joke. If you check the author’s profile you’ll see a list of awful stories that date back to 2013…and they’re still fucking writing to this day. I want to commend them for their near-decade of being a troll writer, but at the same time their dedication is a bit weird. Nonetheless, it’s a hilarious way to spend a day in bed.
