Ahem.
*Pastoral music plays*
Pat:
Milwaukee
It's a slimy cesspool
Stalkers lurk
And the cops don't care!
Milwaukee
Full of diverse neighbors
They see me and say...
Neighbors:
Beware! Beware!
Beware beware beware!
Pat:
There go the rascals sending texts like always
I'll tell them that it is a crime
So enjoy things while they can
For the Feds are closing in
And they'll all be serving time
Brianna Wu:
Good morning, Pat!
Pat:
Good morning, Miss Wu!
Brianna Wu:
Where you off to?
Pat:
My publisher! I just finished the most wonderful story about Tiny Tim on a rampage...
Brianna Wu:
Sounds boring. Frank! Where's the car? Hurry up!
Townsfolk:
Look, there he goes that man is fat, no question.
Doctor:
The term is 'clinically obese.'
The Brewers:
With his baseball cap on wrong
The police:
And a teeny, tiny dong!
All:
And his skin is always glistening with grease!
Hooligan's customer:
I'd like meat loaf
Barkeep:
Pat already ate that.
Hooligan's customer:
Let's try some stew.
Barkeep:
He ate that, too.
Cook:
I need spices
My shelves are empty!
Pat:
I took them all for my pepperoni!
Townsfolk:
Look, there he goes driving a two-stroke mustang
He thinks he's got a muscle car
Hardly drives it anywhere
Just to the pub to drink some beer
And angry type on his ancient laptop
Pat:
Oh, isn't this amazing!
I'll tweet this to Elon and we'll see
Him run away from Twitter
He'll be scared off by my very clever repartee!
Boomia:
Can you believe that man has gotten so fat?
He claims he's been inside a gym!
Caverlock:
Just takes selfies of his face
And he cheated at a race
His home gym is still inside a box
Gym bros:
His weight-lifting amounts to naught
Yes, fatter than the rest of us is Pat!
Paul Weimer:
Look, there goes Pat, he is my friend, no question
He's 'into things' and so am I!
Girls in my pictures aren't that old
But I know Pat will never scold
He defends if someone calls out 'Pedophile!'
Children:
Look there goes Paul
Isn't he creepy!
That lisp, that walk
It screams out, 'Nonce!'
We all should run
Before he sees us
His hard drive must contain some awful stuff!
Various:
That fence, that car
Backwards, so old
He salts his garden, Hush, stalker child
Your gpa - This is - is 1.2 - a wellness check!
Wait for the knock
His books - his house - don't sell - it is a hovel
But they're in space! - It's really Nikki's
Pat:
My writing isn't worth a single damn!
Paul:
Just watch me take a trip to Vietnam!
Chorus:
Look, there he goes, he really isn't too bright
Ignore the trolls, they'll go away
But fat goes beyond his skin
His soul is fat within
Cause he really is an obese man
Fat as Baron Harkonnen
More corpulent than anyone
That Pat!
Reprise
Pat:
Can you believe it?
He told me to get a job!
Me, the employee of some boorish, brainless...
Welcome, today, what is your order?
Would you, perchance, please add some fries?
No sir, not me, I guarantee it
I'll never take anyone's good advice!
I want a world where they can never mock me
And I can always be in charge
And just once it might be fun
To kill all Republicans
And install me as the dictator of man....
" comments.
