Thrilledwfrills
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2 days ago
Good for you for reaching out!
Repetition happens when we choose to recreate situations, and we blind ourselves to the underlying dynamic. and our part in it. You seem to have a good idea of all the kinds of things that can go wrong, but it looks to me from the narrative that it is a lot of different things.
My 1 second diagnosis is that you unconsciously or semi consciously create a problem on every date, in order to be dissatisfied and disappointed. That is easy, to do, and lots of people do it. You just hope for the best, and go into doubtful situations, and then as you are each making decisions, you let the situation develop in the wrong direction until you can feel disappointed, -you don't like something. feel offended, feel scared, or just feel like you never can find the perfect person!
It will feel to you like you are blameless, and it is just other people making mistakes,being immature, etc. You are trying, giving the benefit of the doubt, etc.
To make the unconscious conscious, we have to basically look behind our excuses and that happens by asking new questions so we have to say what is true and relevant.
Take the most recent encounter and ask yourself what you were expecting before the date., what was certain and what was a guess/ wishful thinking, and then at what point you could have seen things were heading in the wrong direction, and what you could have communicated about your needs or desires, but didn't or otherwise did not stand up for.
Then ask why you didn'tstop, leave, say something, etc. Write: I did [or didn't do] X, because... and the words that will come out will start to get you to your answer.
Take each experience, one by one, that was problematic and analyze where it went wrong, List of data to write in: Person name, the way I classify this person, what I thought was attractive about them, circumstances under which I agreed to sex, what went wrong, when it went wrong, what was the earliest notice I had that it was going wrong, what could I have done differently, what was generalizable from this experience that I could take as a lesson, how could I avoid it next time.