AITA for pretending to throw away my daughter's gift
UPDATE: I accept that I was the AH in this situation for a couple of different reasons. I apologized to DD as soon as she got home. Then we had a therapeutic conversation between us, respectfully, and we talked about why she has respect for other adults but not Mom. She opened up, though it was hard and explained. We both agreed that we have some work to do, and we both agreed to donthe work. We created a code word "taco " for when we need a safe space to tell one another that we've hurt the other. I told her that she could tell me anything that I have said or done that has made her feel like I don't deserve respect and I wouldn't get mad. We talked again about the possibility of an underlying BH diagnosis that we are missing and I pointed out how much it has helped brother that he has a diagnosis and she agreed that she would be open to talking to a BH psychologist, she agrees it might be aspergers as she really struggles to understand or express emotion and that me being a very sensitive person makes it hard to understand/ connect with me. She also said that she feels we have a good relationship and that because she's more comfortable spending time with me that she doesn't find herself in these situations with other adults because she doesn't really spend time with them, so it's not that she doesn't respect me specifically but that she spends most of her time with me over anyone else except her friends, so naturally we have more opportunities to get on each other's nerves or hurt each other. We agreed she would be in charge of the bathroom and her own laundry going forward and for now without allowance. We will revisit allowance after a few months. We worked it out and I am grateful for the advice of those who actually listened to and wanted to understand the situation before offering advice or passing judgement. Thank you all
***Edited to add. Many of you are asking the same questions please make sure you are reading through my responses to others before posting your question. I have read through everyone's thoughts on the matter and I have been given some great ideas to try. I will be apologizing for what I said to my daughter when she gets home from school And we will discuss a different Chore for her to do at home and we will discuss that for now she will not be getting an allowance. Thank you to everyone who was kind and understanding that we as parents do not always have the answer. I appreciate everyone's responses but will no longer be responding to anyone on this thread.
My (35 f) daughter (12) Has over the course of the last 2 years thrown away several of my things with feigned incompetence and just laziness. I pay her $80 a month to clean the kitchen. She has thrown away all of my spoons because she didn't pay attention, and even after getting talked to several times about it, as the spoons were slowly disappearing, it didn't stop. I had to buy a whole new set of silverware just to replace the spoons. Then the exact same thing happened with the forks. Then she threw away an entire brand new baby dress that I bought for my niece just a few days ago, and I kind of lost it. She is not the only one that does this. Her brother, who is autistic, has also thrown away hundreds of dollars worth of medication because he was not paying attention to what was in the bag before he threw the bag Away when cleaning the living room. She has watched me search through garbage bags and the giant bin outside while crying my eyes out over the loss of the more expensive things and had no remorse or guilt. I have been having some really serious health issues, and the stress of this, on top of other behavioral issues she has presented, has not helped with my health problems. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and she spent $25 of her own money on a really pretty flower for her girlfriend, and she and I have excitedly talked about it back-and-forth. She was looking forward to giving it to her girlfriend on Valentine's Day, but her girlfriend was not at school. This morning, after finding an entire roll of paper towels in the trash (I don't even know how she used the whole roll, most of the towels were still completely white dry and unused) was the last straw and I lost it. I took the flower and hit it in the closet. When she went to grab it before school and couldn't find it, I acted cold and uncaring like she does and told her maybe it got thrown away. I let her search through the trash bags but didn't make it go as far as the bin. She was stressed, crying, getting angry at the injustice of it all (This is the way she has made me feel so many times) and started screaming about how she spent $25 on that flower. I told her "this is how I felt when you threw away the dress, when you threw away ALL of the spoons and ALL of the forks and entire rolls of paper towels more than once and you didn't care at all when you saw me crying and stressing over it, but unlike you I care and I love you and I would never actually throw something of yours away out of laziness" and I grabbed the flower and gave it to her. She stormed out and called me a garbage human being.
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