Dealing with Suicide - I lost someone recently

[Space_Dandy]

A coworker of mine ended his life last month. I'd known him for about five years. At one point we were fairly close as far as work friends go. He transferred to another building about 3 years ago and I don't think I'd seen him in person since COVID, but I'd still interact with him regularly during online meetings, e-mails, and so forth.

This is just so surreal, to go from hearing this man's voice so often, talking to him in person, being able to picture him and hear him in my mind so vividly... to just him being gone forever. Not only that, but he saw need to end his own life... which in a way feels like a rejection, like I don't want to be around you all anymore. It makes me wonder if he valued our friendship at all. We never really hung out outside of work, but I thought quite highly of him. He was a damn good worker and our team is really going to be hurting without him. I don't think I ever told him how I feel, and I'll never have an opportunity to. Not that I think telling him would have changed the outcome, but it'd be nice to not have these unresolved feelings. And who knows, maybe this guy just needed someone to care even a bit.

He was married and had three children. His wife seemed devastated. Although they probably had their marital issues, who of us don't? I still love my wife even though we have our share of issues and fight sometimes... I don't see how you could leave your kids. As a father, that is unconscionable... the thought of leaving my daughter without a father, and my wife to raise her alone.

I spoke with his friends and family at length at the funeral. There was a massive attendance, I had to wait in line nearly an hour at his celebration of life just to see his urn and speak to his closest relatives. Nobody knows for sure of a cause, he left no suicide note. The only thing I know is that his wife owns a struggling business and incurred hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt to keep it afloat. Although I don't think that is a reason alone to end one's life.

I just keep turning this over and over in my mind.. its a puzzle without an answer. I wish I could talk to him again. He was more of an acquaintance in life but now that he's gone, I feel like I'd lost a good friend and I don't know why. I've been trying ever since to make sure those I care about know how I feel because you never know when you won't have another chance to tell them.

 

[Confetti Meringue]

Suicide is multicausal. What that means is, there's never a single reason. People with severe depression can be really hard to catch, and problems that are easy for us may not be so easy for them. So please don't blame yourself or anyone else. You couldn't have known.

I'd say the best thing you can do for now is try to come to terms with that. You shouldn't feel guilty. Take this as an opportunity to appreciate your loved ones, let them know that you're there for them, and appreciate life.

Have you looked at the sky today? The clouds are always a different pattern, sometimes different colors. It can be beautiful.
Have you looked at the ground around you today? Those plants growing in the cracks have a lot of perseverance. Even the weeds can have beautiful flowers.

Just take the time to come to terms, and when you're feeling overwhelmed, remember to look around you for those beautiful things. Remember that you can keep going.

 

[Comfy Gondola]

Not only that, but he saw need to end his own life... which in a way feels like a rejection, like I don't want to be around you all anymore.

I wouldn't beat myself up over this. Usually the thought of suicide is just something that eases the stress if you feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, because in a way, it puts you back in control. That doesn't mean suicidal people are selfish or never think about others, they tend to mull over the aftermath for quite a while, sometimes years prior.

One day you just snap and go through with it, without considering how it would affect the ones you leave behind in the moment. Considering he didn't even leave a suicide note, I'm assuming that's what happened. There is almost never any ill will involved with it. It's like a switch flips and you're on autopilot.

From what you said, it sounds like he had a pretty large social circle too. Sometimes all the care from friends and family isn't enough to pull you out of that hole. Sometimes not even professional help. Thinking about the "what ifs" won't bring him back, it only pulls you down and makes you miserable.

Life just comes at you fast sometimes, and there is nothing you can or could've done about it.

 

[Fascist Frederick]

I just keep turning this over and over in my mind.. its a puzzle without an answer. I wish I could talk to him again. He was more of an acquaintance in life but now that he's gone, I feel like I'd lost a good friend and I don't know why.

Because you witnessed someone getting a massive amount of attention and thought: "Hey how can I make this about me and get some of that attention too?"

in a way feels like a rejection, like I don't want to be around you all anymore. It makes me wonder if he valued our friendship at all. We never really hung out outside of work...

His suicide had nothing to do with you. Stop trying to figure out how this is about you. It's not.

He transferred to another building about 3 years ago and I don't think I'd seen him in person since COVID...

Man commits suicide, coworker who hasn't seen him in 3 years most affected.

 

[amieth]

 

[Local Fed]

Because you witnessed someone getting a massive amount of attention and thought: "Hey how can I make this about me and get some of that attention too?"

His suicide had nothing to do with you. Stop trying to figure out how this is about you. It's not.

Man commits suicide, coworker who hasn't seen him in 3 years most affected.

This is so tryhard. OP might be guilty of some TMI posting, but they hardly come across as selfish or trying to make it all about themselves. The impact of suicide, or loss in general isn't some zero sum game in that only the person that is gone was and is affected by it nor is it something that only those who suffer the most immediate effects (spouses, children, etc.) should speak about or looked at as the only ones "worthy" of feeling the effects of the aforementioned loss.

 

[Fascist Frederick]

This is so tryhard. OP might be guilty of some TMI posting, but they hardly come across as selfish or trying to make it all about themselves. The impact of suicide, or loss in general isn't some zero sum game in that only the person that is gone was and is affected by it nor is it something that only those who suffer the most immediate effects (spouses, children, etc.) should speak about or looked at as the only ones "worthy" of feeling the effects of the aforementioned loss.

That's not tryharding, this is tryharding:

Alright alright fine I retract my statement. OP I apologize for saying that the suicide had nothing to do with you. I was wrong. Maybe if you would have put in some effort and actually seen this person face to face within the last 3 years they'd still be alive. Did you consider that? Go to his wife and children, tears in your eyes, and tell them it's all your fault. You'll be the center of attention for awhile, a lot longer than what pity posting here will get you.

And hey, look at how much attention the guy that killed himself got after the fact. His wife was devastated. I bet you wish your wife would still show that she cared about you. It's probably been awhile huh? It sounds like there's some trouble in paradise, you don't want to leave her to raise your kids alone but after she leaves you for being an attention seeking pussy and takes the kids she'll be raising them alone anyways.

 

[Cat Stew]

and as a result of tryharding, ur bait is shit.

 

[AnaphylacticShock]

Sorry for your loss OP. Many years ago I witnessed a man jump off a bridge. Although a stranger, it still hit me hard. It's easy to wonder if you could have done anything to change the outcome, the answer is no, probably not.
All you can do is hope that your friend's soul is at peace.

 

[MadStan]

I have experienced suicide - in my family.

The thing to understand is that the person who committed suicide; to them it made sense. Once you realize that in their mind it was a logical choice, you can better understand that their thinking wasn’t right and they saw the world differently than you do.

You can never understand something that requires a sick mind to understand. For those who see suicide as the option I feel pity and sadness for them that for them it seemed like the only right choice.

 

[Ultrapenguin]

Treating this whole thing as genuine and not just dramatics:
Have you considered that the reason this dude (who to be fair doesn't sound that close) offing himself is having an impact is less because of a personal relationship, and more because him throwing in the towel makes you think about yourself and your own life/mortality?

When someone you know like that dies, especially if they did it themselves, it's weird but that's just how life goes.
There are people I knew well who died a decade ago at this point who I still sometimes forget are dead because the reality is that nowadays people float in and out of each others' lives so readily that there's barely any difference.

A lot of times when just the idea of suicide (not actual personal loss, which again doesn't seem like you experienced much of) really gets to someone it's because of their own fears or insecurities. Even just being exposed to the idea of mortality has been studied to have a measurable impact on how people conduct themselves.

TL;DR: Are you really that bothered by this guy's death, or are you bothered by the idea of someone not so different from you doing that?

 

[Wenzelman]

Everyone is capable of killing themselves. All you need is the right cocktail of circumstance, trauma. Pain, and a dash of mental illness to make it happen.

The thing to understand is that the person who committed suicide; to them it made sense. Once you realize that in their mind it was a logical choice, you can better understand that their thinking wasn’t right and they saw the world differently than you do.

Exactly this.

Imagine you're someone like Chris Chan or Wings. Someone with THOUSANDS of hours of unsavory fucked up information online about you for anyone to see, and a total pathetic reputation. Or if you were a girl chained in a basement being raped day in and day out for years and years.

In both of these situations, fuck yeah I'd kill myself as soon as I got my hands on a gun or a rope. Or a bridge.

 

[MadStan]

Everyone is capable of killing themselves. All you need is the right cocktail of circumstance, trauma. Pain, and a dash of mental illness to make it happen.

Exactly this.

Imagine you're someone like Chris Chan or Wings. Someone with THOUSANDS of hours of unsavory fucked up information online about you for anyone to see, and a total pathetic reputation. Or if you were a girl chained in a basement being raped day in and day out for years and years.

In both of these situations, fuck yeah I'd kill myself as soon as I got my hands on a gun or a rope. Or a bridge.

I won’t comment on Chris Chan (his/her/its actions speak loudly) but it is also possible to have a person think the world is a certain way when it isn’t.

As an example it is possible to bully someone so hard that suicide would seem like a good choice because from their perspective their entire world is “against them” such as with teens in school or in a work environment. So poor choices by others can contribute to a persons state of mind most certainly.

So we all have the ability to negatively or positively affect those around us. Certainly people surrounded by positive support most certainly will be less likely to commit suicide than those surrounded by overt suppression and antagonism. Less likely but not zero chance ; there are many who are too far gone where no matter the positive environment, they can not overcome the stress of their existence.

Suicide is sad for the survivors who loved them.

 

[Kill Your Idols]

My condolences.

The insidious thing about suicide and suicide ideation is that it oftens worms its way into people's minds by blocking out positive thoughts entirely. It becomes incredibly hard to contextualize tragedy and hardship while the good aspects of life start to feel incredibly small. You shouldn't take that as a sign your co-worker didn't value you, his relationships, or his family, it was possible he just could not focus on anything but his own despair in the moment he took his life.

I never lost anyone to suicide, but I have lost a few friends to unexpected deaths and I understand it's a hard experience. You run through so many regrets thinking about every time you could have reached out and let them know they mattered to you, but you can't let it get to you. We only have so much time and sadly, we can't give everyone we know the same treatment we give our close friends and family, even if we do value them as people. I take moments like these as sobering reminders to cherish your time while you can and not take anyone for granted, you never know when they'll be gone.

 

[Larry David's Opera Cape]

Things that jump out to my eye from your post:

1. You hadn't really been around this guy in quite a long time.
2. You stayed at the funeral a long time to get a chance to see his remains and talk to his family.

This concerns me. I'm not calling you a weirdo or self absorbed or whatever edgelord kinda thing. Rather, I think these are signs that maybe this is getting under your skin more than it should, for reasons that would bear examining.

Suicide is contagious. The media used to have healthy respect for that fact and muffled its echoes accordingly. But they have forgotten that, and so has everyone else. Take it seriously. It's a parasitic mind worm just like trooning out. (There are other mind worms like these two things but that's another topic for another day. Combined, these mind worms may have killed more people in the last 50 years than influenza.)

Friend you sound to me like that mind worm has found a way in with you. You need to fight it off. Sometimes just being aware that you were infected is enough to shake it off. Sometimes it takes more than that. I'd have to know more about you to guess what might help the most.

He made his choice. Statistically, it is likely to cause incredible damage to his close family. His kids are now at high risk for following in his footsteps.

Those who lost a parent to suicide as children or teens were three times more likely to commit suicide than children and teenagers with living parents.

Hemingway's son trooned out and spiraled. Plath's son killed himself. Look down the line from any famous suicide and you see a hurricane's path of destruction.

De-glamorize it, make it unappealing to yourself. Kill the brain worm.

 

[UERISIMILITUDO]

I can't see myself ever caring so much about a coworker. Personally, I deal with suicide how I deal with most things: apathy.

I don't think I ever told him how I feel, and I'll never have an opportunity to.

I wish I could talk to him again. He was more of an acquaintance in life but now that he's gone, I feel like I'd lost a good friend and I don't know why.

There's no point in feeling regret. The past won't change, so don't worry about it. The future is still open, so perhaps use this as an opportunity to avoid these feelings in the future.

 

[ForgedBlades]

I could power level and dox myself so bad in this thread it's not even funny.