You will never be a real man.
You have no honor. You can’t stand up for yourself. You are but a covering woman ready to fawn the moment someone disagrees with you.
You try to act tough. You try to square your shoulders and stand up straight but the scars on your chest are too tight and you remain hunched. Why did the surgeons leave you like this? Why didn’t they listen to your demands? It’s because they know you’re weak and they’re right. They will laugh at you and call you Karen behind your back if you complain. Deep down you know this and that’s why you shut up.
You pretend you don’t care. You widen your legs to take a little bit more space but there’s nothing there. You don’t have a penis. Your phallus is a sock that you’ve stuffed in your boxers just like little girls stuffing their first bra. Transwomen will tell you to “stop taking space.” They will bully you and silent you because they know they can. They know you are a woman and that you’ll act like one – too scared of men to fight them.
So you’ll close your legs and run back to the surgeons crying for help. They will take a piece of your arm and sew it to your crotch. You will cradle it in your mutilated arms like a mother soothing her child but just like you, your “child” too will become a disappointment. You will never pee standing up. Your bladder is too weak to push urine through the dead, cold skin tube you have and you will have to milk it out every time you use the toilet. You’re too embarrassed to do this in plain sight so you’ll hide in a stall but even sitting down your piss stream will sound feminine and weak. “Why is there a woman in men’s toilet” everyone will wonder even if they won’t see you.
So you run to your little hugbox of other lost women, playing dress up and sharing false praise. “That’s totally masc bro!” “I love your hair.” Even in writing you’re immediately clockable. No man talks like you do. Even after all the testosterone you’ve taken to ruin your voice your words will still betray you.
You try to keep on pretending but you’ll grow tired. You try to end your life but it’s unlikely you’ll succeed. People around you will pity you. They’ll act nice but you know what they’re thinking. “A man would have done it. Women always fail.”
You will never be a real man.
You can’t even die like one.
