My mum loves me. She tells me that and shows me that and says she accepts who I am. But. She's been "just too tired and busy" to even try using my pronouns for 4 years.
She does so much for me, she's my full time carer because I'm disabled. So. I feel bad about complaining. But. She just doesn't try at all in this one part of my life. I'd be fine with her fucking up and making mistakes. But knowing that she won't even try hurts. She knows it hurts, I've told her that it hurts, and says she feels bad about it. But. She just has so much going on in her life... I know this. She does so much for me and so many other people, but it still hurts.
I've tried over the years to start the conversation and see if she is willing to try. But she says she just can't and the thought of her needing to think about every word that comes out of her mouth makes her feel really anxious and she's already "on the edge of a break down". I brought it up with her again last week and afterwards she didn't talk or even look at me for days. It was horrible I felt so guilty for even trying to suggest it and it put me in a really horrible and scary place mentally.
I just feel so guilty asking this from her. But. It's so important to me. It slowly chips away at me every day you know? Every time hurts a little, and sometimes makes me just... Shut down. I'll be with my best friend and she will say "you two girls" and I'm having fun and then all of a sudden my heart just drops and I go numb. It just feels so fucking wrong. I know I express myself through clothes and look quite feminine but... I'm a guy. I am a boy in a skirt. I'm not a girl. I hate my chest, I hate my voice, I hate that people don't see me the way I see myself inside.
For the foreseeable future. Nothing is going to change with her, and I know trying to prompt my dad would be a waste of breath. I'm going to try and see if maybe my brother is willing to try, but it's also going to be difficult... I have amazing friends thankfully, but having her with me 24/7 (I have to be constantly supervised) can be hard.
I just started uni this year, and I wanted university to be a fresh start for me. But I don't pass, and my mum emailed teachers before semester started to organize meetings to discuss my condition, and when she talks next to me it's always she she her her. The people I've met in class, if mum is across the room, I'm able to use he they and everyone has been super chill about it, but if I haven't directly informed them, so many people just see me as that "disabled chick" in the wheelchair. I wear what makes me happy, and makeup is a massive hobby for me... But I shouldn't have to change what brings me joy for others to see me as a guy. I wish I could be seen as more masculine in skirts. Clothes don't have a gender, but unfortunately that's not how most people see it.
I don't know when I will medically transition. But. Social transition has been hard. Like I said, I have wonderful friends in my life, and honestly high schoolers were super supportive too. But it's the family and the teachers...
I'm just so tired. I could fight harder, and I know I should have talks with my lecturers, or maybe shoot them an email. But I'm exhausted. For now I'm just kind of giving up.
I don't know when she will feel like it will be the right time in her life to change. I don't know when she will use my pronouns. But. My guess is I'll be waiting a few more years...