Tonight, I got Sprayed by Sterile-Pepperspray from my Trans-Daughter
I come from a martial arts tradition that teaches people how to survive assault, but I now realize I had a privilege for most of my adult life that my 14 year old trans-daughter does not: most people weren’t going to attack a 6’5” man with a beard.
(Now, before I learned martial arts, I was so afraid I might die in a fight that I got bullied and beat up by people half my size in high school, so I wasn’t completely privileged. But even that was nothing compared to the danger my slightly built daughter is more at risk for.)
She doesn’t know that I’m transitioning yet.
(She came out 6 months before my egg broke. I think she inspired my true self to finally break through my own defenses, in retrospect.) My wife and I are now meeting with a family counsellor that specializes in late life transitions to figure out the best way and time to explain this to our kids, so it broke my heart as I was instructing her on best practices for awareness of her surroundings and admitted some of my own shortcomings in this area when she said, by way of excusing me,
“But you’re a boy and I’m a girl. It’s not as important for you.”
I wanted to cry for the fucked up world she has to inherit. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t yet tell her that I was about to step into the world she had more courage than I did to step into. And I wanted to cry because, at 6’5”, I probably will still be in less danger than she’s in.
(Of course, that’s supposition. I may be a bigger target for groups, as my ability to blend in at my size is much lower.)
After that, I had her spray the inert trainer spray into my eyes as we did practice attacks.
(I tested it ahead of time to make sure it wasn’t contaminated and was truly safe to use, incidentally.) We talked about when it needs to be deployed, group attack patterns, how not to rely on it as a crutch, and what warning signs to look out for ahead of time.
Then I hugged her and let her go to bed, keenly aware of my limited ability to keep her safe.