I feel so incredibly worthless and like a third class-human being
I'm feeling like a piece of garbage tonight and since I have noone meaningful to talk to, Reddit it is.
I've just been through another failed delusionship.
She shattered my heart by leading me on for a couple of months and then predictably saying no. Danced around the reason but it was evident that it was me being trans. I showered her with love and affection, I made it clear that I'm all about commitment and communicated my intentions and transition status clearly, and this still happens everytime.
I fucking hate myself with every fibre of my being whenever this happens. Like I'm being unrealistic for attempting to date a normal woman in the first place. No matter what I do, how interesting I make myself, whether I try reverse psychology bullshit games or just wear my heart on a sleeve - I always end up getting rejected after some amount of time of intimacy where I give her a good time and she just takes, and afterwards takes her sweet fucking time to tell me how she doesn't want me after all. I'm there for the talking and dating stage, to build the woman up, help her with her past trauma, and when that's done it seems like I've served my purpose. I'm just a tool that women use to get into a better headspace from their last stupid boyfriend or hookup. And what's worst, they always want to be friends afterwards to be extra fucking cruel.
A buddy has told me before that he feels I'd be happier dating trans women. I told him to fuck off, I hate this assertion that trans people should "stay in their lane" dating wise. Also, doing things with someone who has a penis will trigger the fuck out of me, I could never imagine it. What do you think about this? I think post-OP would be an option maybe. Then again, I myself haven't had bottom surgery and I'm not out here demanding things from someone I can't provide myself.
I'm at the point where I'm considering detransitioning for any reasonable chance at love. Back when I was just a masculine homosexual woman, I suffered immensely. But I could have gone out with a different girl every night, and I'm so angry at myself that I took this for granted. Now, there is zero long term resonance from women. No wonder honestly, I'd look past myself too - I'm 5"3, almost beardless after 3 years of testosterone, and just a thin little stick compared to literally _any_ man. I have many interests, a decent career and I have always dreamed about finding a soulmate who I can share them with but that luxury is so out of the cards right now. I'm getting tears in my eyes just typing this, I just want to be loved by a single person in my life. Completely shit people and criminals find a partner, what about me is so abhorrent and offputting that I cannot even manage that?
I want to text her so badly that I want to go no contact and not be her friend anymore. She insisted we stay friends after she rejected me because she was "moved" by me, whatever the fuck that means, but didn't want to have a trans man as a partner. I was emotionally needy enough to say yes and now I'm suffering wildly every day when she uses me as her dumping ground for new stories with men. I cry whenever she texts me about how well her latest date went. But my self esteem is so low, my heart has convinced itself that this kind of feelings massacre is better than no attention at all.
I'm honestly suicidal over my situation with women. If anyone has any kind or useful words, I'd be very appreciative of them. Third-class human barely even begins to describe what I think of myself due to all of this, mostly I don't feel worthy being around normal people at all.
