So right of the bat, I will throw in a warning that there is def a layer of internalized transphobia here, and some thoughts that im not really proud of, but I need to let this out.
One thing I realized recently that a heavy dysphoria cope of mine is masturbating to trans women (usually in porn, or even sexy photo shoots) and thinking “wow this person used to be a man, and now here she is not acting like a man, imagine doing this to yourself” not realizing that this thought process was heavy projection on my end, and I guess, my way of coping with the fact that that’s what I wanted to do with myself; the softer skin, breasts, curvy body and being seen as and treated like a woman. I’ve also noticed the same thought process when I’m not masturbating or horny too, the whole “wow imagine, as a man, doing this to yourself”, which, again, in hindsight was heavily projecting.
I’ve also noticed that since acknowledging that my perspective has changed from that to “good for her, i’m glad she’s able to be who she wants to be” which has been a funny shift since my egg cracked.
I also noticed that this was an effective way to stay in denial, that by projecting that thought onto others, that i’m a man and id never do that to myself, cause i’m a man and that’s not what men do.
idk, just thought i had to let this out somewhere, there is some shame in the fact that i saw things that way, but i also didn’t realize that i completely functioned in this state of denial and internalized stuff as well.